Ok that was SUPER fun!! Loved that 'Bullshit' game in the last post and thanks everyone for playing.
You know, when we go through those thought processes and challenge those common (bullshit) beliefs we start to change the hard-wired thinking we have about alcohol and what it offers. If we attack, attack, attack those beliefs they start to turn around and we see the truth and THEN we start to experience truly blissful freedom from addiction.
Anyway.. here's another technique called 'Push the Fast Forward Button'. I've also heard it called 'Play the Tape till the End'. It's where we think past that first romantic image of booze and focus on the reality of what it ends up being like. I'll do a couple based on my experiences of being a boozer but again please do add your own in below...
Opening Scene: I pour myself a lovely glass of glistening chardonnay at 5pm with the sun streaming in my kitchen windows. I'm cooking dinner, the kids are watching TV, the radio is playing and I feel like a contented housewife who deserves this lovely liquid release.
Fast Forward: It's 10pm and as per usual I haven't been able to stop drinking once I started. I've now had over a bottle of wine, I'm slumped on the sofa - heavy and numb - watching the Kardashians (most of which I'll forget) eating my 4th piece of toast. Soon I'll shift my drunk body to to bed, sleep like crap for six hours before waking up feeling hungover, guilty and miserable.
Opening Scene: I'm at a friends house on a Friday afternoon - 4 of us mums with our kids are gathering to celebrate the end of the school term. We're having a disco / pizza party! The kids are roaming around, the dads are arriving soon, we're all pouring bubbles and chatting away happily, feeling good about coming together for a mini celebration.
Fast Forward: It's 9.30, I've completely overdone it and am shitfaced. I'm pushing the pram the two blocks home feeling dizzy and sick. As soon as we get in the door I lock myself in the toilet and vomit. I can hear Mr D putting the kids to bed down the hall. I feel like crap.
Opening Scene: The children are at my mum's for the night and we're off to a wedding! I've been at the salon having my hair straightened and am wearing a lovely chiffon top borrowed from my sister. I am very happy to be watching my friends get married and happily accept my first glass of bubbles at 4pm after the ceremony.
Fast Forward: It's 10.30pm and I'm drunk and emotional. I've just been walking around the garden with Mr D in tears about something. My shoes have been lost inside somewhere and I'm wearing borrowed socks (not a good look). I've 'checked out' emotionally and don't feel in the mood to dance to the fun cheesy pop songs that are playing. I find myself another wine and sit with some random strangers and rave away self-indulgently about my life's woes. I fall asleep in the taxi on the way home.
I've actually found writing this quite depressing. All of this is true and it makes me feel really sad. But brutal honesty is what set me free and there's not much point in stopping being brutally honest now. Booze is shit and I'm very very very happy to have it out of my life.
Your turn….
i appreciate all these remarks and the push the fast forward button advice. It so very true!
One last bit. These two stories are just 2 of many, many nights. I will continue to post some as they are cathartic to tell. Maybe someone will get something out of them. I have some real horror stories but im not ready for that yet.
OK one more. This one makes me cringe a lot
Opening Scene: Had a summer house that needed work. Went to check on it with my mom and daughter. Roof leaking. Headache. Said I needed to run to the store for some supplies; which of course included wine. Had plans for evening for dinner out and a movie after. Was looking forward to that.
Fast Forward: Cringe. Came to in the bathroom of motel room with mom holding my hair back while I was vomiting in the toilet. My daughter who was about 18 was thoroughly disgusted and would not even look at me. We did not go to movies or dinner. Saw fast food wrappers on the table. Was about 38 years old. So embarrassed and ashamed. What kind of behavior is that??? UGH
Ok. I am deciding if I should tell my worst stories or work up to that. I’ll start with one from this Halloween, Oct 31.
Opening scene: I LOVE the fall season and Halloween!! I get tons of trick-or-treaters and look forward to greeting them and gushing over their costumes. plus seeing and catching up with my neighbors. Bought about 20 bags of treats and candies. Made a little red riding hood costume for myself and a cute wolf costume for my lovely dog. The weather is warm and I look forward to the evening.
Fast Forward: I’m sure you can guess. Stopped and picked up a bottle of wine since I got out of work early. Was going to just have a wee little bit. Well I woke up at 11:00 pm. Missed the entire night. Sick felt stupid and ashamed. Ate bag of candy since now have 20. Two empty bottles of wine on counter. Total shit. Know I need to stop
I know this is a really old post but I have read all the stories,.. I can relate, it has made think, made me sad, made me remember many of mine, the regret, shame and self loathing. I don’t miss the fast forward picture at all. This has reminded me of the reality. Thank you.
One of mine. Opening scene, I go out with work, hubbie is collecting me later on. We agree a time, he begs me not to get pissed, I promise I won’t. I keep pushing out our agreed time by text. I then get so pissed I am not even watching my phone. I fall and hurt my head, in front of people…. Hubbie arrives in to get me after leaving me several voicemails. I leave my phone and coat in restaurant. Next day he drives me in to get lost coat and phone and then realises how annoyed he is with me, big row…. Repeat several times over.
Opening scene: It’s another Friday in the office and, as usual, I start thinking about what I will drink in the evening. My mind in a viscous cycle of realization and rationalization …first, that I am, in fact, the overweight alcoholic I swore I would never become, but, “I don’t drink on week nights (usually) and I lead a pretty normal life so i must not have a problem.” What a crock of shit.
It’s 5PM and I stop at the liquor store on my way home. I buy a box of wine (so I can conceal my intake) and a 24oz of craft beer.
I stealthily pull into the garage, secretly hoping my wife and kids don’t see my car and run down to say hi, because I want privacy. Enough privacy to pound my 24oz beer on my walk from the car to my house. About 15 steps. Gotta that initial buzz. I walk into the house and my wife smells the alcohol. I lie to her and say I stopped at the bar with friends to bid farewell to a colleague. I pour a huge glass of wine and start cooking…….
Fast forward to 10PM: I have consumed the equivalent of two beers and two bottles of wine by myself. I started preparing a beautiful dinner, but got too drunk towards the end to close the deal. Way too much butter, way too much seasoning, I’ve ruined $20 worth of salmon. But who cares because I won’t remember the next day. My wife is busy with our sick 5 year old, and getting him put to bed. I’m too drunk to know how to help. We fight. I sleep in the guest room for about 3 hours until I wake up feeling depressed, hungover, guilty, anxious, remorseful and generally awful. Head pounding. Yet, I press on to do it all over again on Saturday.
What an awful, awful thing alcohol addiction is. I’m 20 days sober today. I hope I can do this.
I have made to 318 days sober now and can say without question that this is the way to go! I’m hooked!
@farmgirl im sorry but this story was so funny I’ve been belly laughing for 5 minutes. Could totally see myself doing something like this! I’m on day 11 of being sober & feeling fab, haven’t belly laughed in ages due 2 alcohol just numbing everything so thank u!
Brain: Oh no not again you idiot.
Opening scene: Friday early evening after a week of hard work and no alcohol.
Brain: You’ve done well this week. Maybe you could have a wine.
Me: I have an early start in the morning, have lots to do and I’m going out tomorrow night. I need to stay fresh for that.
Brain: You could buy a bottle and just have one or two glasses, then stop.
Me: That doesn’t usually happen. I don’t want to wake up with a headache or stay up too late.
Brain: You need to go to supermarket anyway, You could just see if there’s a decent red on special. If there isn’t, you won’t buy any.
Me: hmm yes I could do that….
Fast Forward: It’s midnight, the bottle’s empty, I’ve done none of the things I intended to do in the evening.
Fast forward: 8am, throbbing head, have woken up every 2 hours to drink water, loo, unstick tongue from roof of mouth etc. Know I will need a nap, painkillers, countless coffees, will have no energy for chores and the events I was looking forward too are now an ordeal.
Urggghh
Oh my the good ole ‘if it’s on special I’ll get it’ that was me all over! Just amazing how trapped we get with this cycle. The brain is an amazing thing with so many little compartments storing, justifying etc. great post again a good reminder of the joys of not being trapped anymore and being sober. Happy day!
Gosh. Some brave courageous people around these parts! I, like others, see myself in quite a few of these stories. So so glad to be in the mind set that I am. Nearly 40 days completely booze free! And my fast forward stories will keep me there.
Looks like we have the same day #1. Good luck
I love this old post! It is quite depressing to start tallying up in your head all the horrible, embarrassing, dangerous, stupid things we have done when drunk, but boy does it help you remain strong about not drinking! Just remembering a few of my (hundreds) of stories totally mortified me and made me detest the idea of ever pouring the hateful poison down my throat again!
YOU are so so brave! Thank you for sharing this. It shows me how booze will not stop till it has taken every good thing xo keep going whatever happens and I will too!
I have so many stories. Ok here it goes …
Opening scene: It’s Friday. Worked a long hard week. Check the cupboard for stock. Got a 40 of rum but no mix. Better make a run and grab another bottle just to be sure. Back at home. Mouth already starting to salivate at the thought of that first gulp. But wait, first I’ll order in delivery pizza for the kids so they stay out of my way. Down my first triple shot with a bit of mix just to get the levels up. Feel the warm relaxing hit. Pizza hasn’t come yet. Pour another triple while relaxing on the couch watching a movie. Drink down in 3 gulps. Where’s the pizza? Pour another triple. Kids asking for food. I start rambling on and on. Kids leave the room. Ding dong – pizza arrives. Try paying by credit card but have a hard time seeing the numbers on the machine. Pour another triple.
Fast forward: passed out on the couch without my pants on. One of my teenage kids covered me with a blanket. I’m so ashamed. TV still on. Smell of urine. chips on the couch and floor. Chocolate melted in my hand and on the couch. Find my pants in the bathroom soaked with urine. I hate my self. So hungover I can barely walk without falling down. I stagger to each of my kids rooms and make sure they’re ok. I do a head count. Everyone’s here and sleeping. I barely manage a shower and start throwing up. Pass out on the floor in the bathroom. Woken up by my daughter “mom are you ok?”. I lie and say I have a stomach flu. I’m on day 3 …
How are you doing?
Still trying to get the courage to tell a story
Family bbq last Sunday. Did all the food etc while everyone is getting it on. People leave but have already had 5/6 beers and feel pretty miffed that I’m now ready to party and OH is tired. Insist we go for more beers and sometime later pass out after about maybe another 5/6. Wake up at 8am still really hungover. Finally get up at 11am and spend next 2 days feeling like shit. Even experienced hallucinations which was terrifying. Now on Day 5. Sharing is keeping me focussed. Hugs x
dinners in the slow cooker,lamb shanks.settling down with a merlot,choosing a movie to watch.feeling great.
fast forward too 2am and i wake on the couch drunk,ive spilt wine all over the floor again,made a ridiculous fool of myself on social media,im sick,to sick to eat the shanks which are shrivelled anyway.throw myself into bed to try and sleep it off a bit before another hungover day at work
dayone..watch this space
Going on a business trip to sell my new product with my business partner, bored at 5 pm at the hotel so we start drinking wine and beer in the room and watching tv.
Fast forward to 8:30 when I convince her to put her clothes on and go to the hotel bar with me to drink 2 martinis and talk to this group of dudes about god knows what for several hours. Remember falling over several times.
The next day, I was so sick I couldn’t sell our product and I felt so much shame because I couldn’t really remember what had happened and I am married. I didn’t no anything untoward (my friends confirmed) but the lack of control was super unsettling.
On day 1 now, and this site and everyone’s stories is helping me get through the evening craves.
I have so many bad memories and feelings associated with heavy nights drinking and many times I should have seen the signs of my dangerous drinking….. I used alcohol as a replacement for drugs in my twenties and it was so much more acceptable and was legal so it seemed normal to go and get plastered 3-5 nights a week. Im now in my early 40’s married with two amazing young children and I have just been to a party on the weekend and I know I was the drunkest most obnoxius twat there. The feelings of guilt and being ashamed the morning after were off the charts for me and this had made me address whats been a problem for many years for me…..I cant moderate at all and it was the same with drugs too……. So thats why Im drawing a line in the sand….. heres to a brighter healthier future…..
Hi all, just joined up, love the ‘opening scenes’ oh yessss, home from work, wether nice and hot, plenty more hours before I need to be in bed….. why not have a couple, it’s medical after all ae…… oh and a couple of Marlboro too…. my job is stressful so why not ae…. I have too go home and deal with 4 kids so why not have a drink while doing dinner and peace out so why not ae….
Fast forward…. s#!+ I’m a bit p! $$@d…. sleep like crap…
Repeat…. repeat…. repeat….
I just want to be able to keep my couple for fun nights, not every night…. I will keep in touch xx
I’m new to this site. I am on day one…… AGAIN. Reading the ‘fast forward’ stories into the wee small hours last night. Over the years I realize just how many I have- they range from highly embarrassing (falling over, acting loud and stupid) to incredibly serious (being breathalised, arrested and 6 hours in police custody. Being taken to hospital by ambulance having smashed my head open and being found unconscious. So I read them last night, feeling sick and terrified by the fact that none of these incidents actually made me stop for good, only until the memories had faded, I found Mrs. D last week which has led me to this site …..thank god, something has changed in me- I know now, there is no other way out- I HAVE TO STOP. X
I saw the title Push the Fast Forward Button and assumed it meant Fast Forward to the time when you are enjoying being alcohol free, with a clear brain, and you have found the missing you.
I think I will do that instead. I will read the positives each of you lovely people post about once you have been free of alcohol for a significant amount of time.
Then try to imagine myself in that place. I am going to try to focus on that image when I begin to think there is no reason I should not have a drink.
I will give it a go. Hopefully it will help.
Oh boy, where do I begin? I have a litany of shameful experiences with alcohol. Here goes nothing…
Opening Scene: I am looking forward to a fun afternoon with family at my mother-in-law’s 60th birthday party . My in-laws had rented a gorgeous 3 story house on the beach, booked a DJ and best of all an open bar. Being my usual life of the party self, I proceeded to drink God only know how many glasses of Sauvignon Blanc. My drink of choice. I played with my kids in the pool briefly, danced some and greeted a few of my family’s closest 80 friends.
Fast Forward; I am stumbling into a family friend’s car because I am too drunk to drive home. My husband and I had driven separately so he takes the kids in his vehicle. Our family friend drops me off and I crawl into bed. Ugh, another night of disdain…hangover and off to work.
I am 8 days sober and am truly inspired by many of your posts. This online community is exactly what I need. I am be here often 🙂
Opening scene: Husband and I are visiting his brother in Switzerland over the holidays and have our eight year old daughter with us. Husband and I decide to invite neighbors to his brother’s house for an impromptu New Year’s Eve party, not bothering to even ask brother’s ( who is a teetotaler) permission.
Fast Forward: I am very hungover from wine and champagne from night before but feel compelled to go along on ski trip for the kids in the Alps, although I won’t be skiing, nor will husband, due to bad knees, but have been told brother in law will. Going up and down hills and through tunnels, I vomit in a plastic bag and hold bag of vomit for hour as BIL will not pull over. Get to destination, BIL says he has decided to not ski with kids, but will watch from lift area. I stay in lodge due to hangover, not helping to watch the kids. Our daughter gets separated from others and is lost and missing at closing time. I am hysterical as they are saying we are to leave and authorities will look for our daughter. Finally, across the horizon we see two figures, our daughter and a kindly man who found her and helped her ski back. That was eleven years ago….cannot even fathom why I didn’t take that experience and never drink a drop again.
wow reading all of these has made me feel terrible because my stories are so much worse, to embarrassed to write on even tho it’s anonymous, I am hoping today is the day that I will finally be free but I have hoped this many times before
What a great idea for a post. The ideal and reality of drinking. Here’s a doozy:
Early afternoon: I’m making guacamole and homemade nacho chips with my husband and his brother who travelled 3000 miles with his wife for a post-wedding celebration at my brother’s. I’m happy but nervous about the dinner.
Late afternoon: we’re 2 hours late because of traffic. Totally want cigarette when I get there.
Early evening: sister in law puts out fantastic dinner, about 18 adults, 10 children, and we eat outside at their beautiful farm. I am too deep into the booze to eat. I take my aunt aside and talk about the death of my friend months before that really affected me, and how sad I was that she was not allowed to come to my wedding, as prescribed by her older sister, my mother – as it was not in the Catholic Church, our choice. My brother’s barely talking to me as I got wasted at our cousin’s house weeks before.
Mid-evening: no clue. I blacked out. Hours go by.
Late evening: I come to when my new sister in law is asking for directions how to get back to the city. She had to wait 10 minutes for me to figure out where we were.
Next day: massive headache. Intense humiliation for months.
Next day after that: my mother tells me she was completely embarrassed by me. Ouch.
This is one of the worst, but I could come up with 20 more. Crazy. And sane that I’m sober now.
xo
To clarify: friend died, my aunt was not allowed to wedding.
OMG just reminding me why I need and have made the choice to stop drinking I try to forget all those bad nights out so it allowed me to drink again, now I need to talk about them to remind me why I’ve stopped.
But here goes….. One night out with girlfriends laughing joking being so excited for a whole week finally we get to go out on our own no men attached going to watch a cool band,, fast forward we get stuck into some tequila shots and I almost punch a little older lady because she got in my way. My knees gave way and I fell on the ground in front her and lots of people and had too roll around to pick myself up. My gf also getting herself in some trouble somewhere else came looking for me after finding each other we decided to catch a courtesy van home. We went to her house first and then the driver got stuck in the mud as he tried to turn the van around on the neighbours lawn (it had been raining so everything was squishy) so gf and me thought we could push him out. There we are the two of us pissed as pushing the jumbo van out of the mud, however the wheels just flicked around all the mud and all over us as we stood behind the wheels to push the van, dumb!! Still stuck and luckily for us gf’s son came out with a tow rope and pulled us out. So there I was covered in mud the courtesy van dropped me home. I entered the house and started stripping all my clothes off cause I was covered in mud from head to toe. Then my daughter said mum my boyfriend is here. As he was sitting in the couch I yelled just close your eyes. I then walked over by him and grabbed a big cushion off the couch and started squashing him with it yelling shut your eyes while I was in my undies and bras. He didn’t resist the battle cause honestly the thought of seeing me like that was more scary. I finally stumbled my way too bed and spent the next day spewing up the entire day. My daughter later told me that I nearly suffocated her boyfriend. I’m so embarrassed by that day that has got to be right up there in the book of shameful drunken things I’ve done. Luckily for me my daughters boyfriend is a nice very quiet shy guy and he still likes me, I think.
Fast forwarding…I love the positive ones of course but the reality doses, as depressing as they may be are good ammo for when the cravings start hitting in full force.
Opening Scene: Friday evening, DH has bought wine and snacks galore. New movies and new series downloaded. A romantic evening planned. I have my first glass at sunset with a smoke, enjoying the evening, looking forward to a whole weekend of relaxation.
Fastforward 2 hours later: Have finished a bottle and started on the next. Constantly leaving the room, and conversation, to binge eat or drink straight from the bottle in the fridge. Get ready to watch new series, fall asleep 5 minutes in. DH tries to wake me (It’s only 8pm!!!), I’m surly and sputtering nonsense. Blackout walking around and completely incoherent.
Fast-fast-forward to next morning: Room is a wreck, reeks of wine. Sweating booze. Can’t remember what I did before passing out. DH is annoyed and not speaking to me. I’m full of self loathing and can’t figure a way to fix the day. Guess I should just….drink. Again.
(repeat yesterday’s sad reel.)
Ugh! So glad all that is over!
Picture this:
My husband and I get invited out to dinner at the house of one of his longtime friends and girlfriend. They are cooking dinner for us. When we get there, they offer us a beer. I take one. It’s good. I drink it and I am feeling very relaxed and happy.
Fast Forward a couple of hours later:
I have drunk about 5 beers/wine drinks. At dinner, in the middle of us eating, I unexpectedly push back my chair on the wooden floor (loud) and with no notice, or excuse, I drunkenly weave to the bathroom, where my vision is running like one of those old movie reels, where the same image just keeps flipping by up and down… I marvel at how weird it is… I can’t make it stop.
I go back out and finish dinner, drink more. Hey, I’m having a great time!
Some kids come by about something, I can’t remember what.. something about their parents being in an argument and they don’t feel comfortable at home. I, in my drunken stupor, sit on the couch with all of them and offer to “pray with them”… I’m not religious so I don’t know why I did that.
11:00 comes and it is time for us to leave.. but before we do, I grab the guy’s warm beer that is half empty and finish it. Grab it right out of his hand.
On the way home my husband compliments me for being so “outgoing and friendly”. Still not sure why he didn’t tear into me, because he did a lot of times later.. but for some reason, not that time.
Opening scene… Off to a friends wedding with my husband an hour out of town. Taking the tent and looking forward to the evening ahead with good friends a night away from the children and a fun time. Call into the pub for a couple of pre wedding drinks then head across the rd to the wedding. Get handed a glass of champagne…
Fast forward … Paranoid that my husband is flirting with another lady, start following them around trying to catch them out, I hide behind a port-a-loo spying and see them coming my way (actually looking for me as I’d been gone a while) as they walk past I throw my wine and glass at my husband and run away. Glass smashes, someone badly cuts foot on the glass. Have a terrible sleep in the tent after a massive row with hubby, wake up sick and have to drive home. I no longer talk to or have contact with the friend who got married.
This is one of many many flashbacks that ended badly and I have to say, it’s nice to be able to tell someone.
Opening scene: It’s Friday night. Family are all in a good mood. My husband and daughter are enjoying a cozy fire in the lounge. I’m in my room drinking and watching TV by myself as usual.
Fast forward: It’s around 11 pm and I leave my room to talk to my husband about something. He cut’s me off saying he doesn’t want to listen to my drunken ramblings. I become enraged and physically attack him. I have never done this before. He fends me off. We are shouting horrible things at each other. He mentions “divorce”. Our little dog looks frightened.The kids come out asking us to stop shouting. I accuse kids of taking their father’s side. I’m shouting fucking this and fucking that. TO MY KIDS!!! I end up crying and going to bed. Wait a minute…I have one more thing to say. I go back to my husband and the shouting starts again. Husband storms out of the house and drives off. My son asks: Mummy, what’s going to happen now? What do you mean, I ask. Well, Daddy’s left, my son replies. I reassure him that Daddy will be back. My husband returns and goes to sleep in the spare room. My daughter pleads with me not to shout at Daddy anymore. I assure her I wont. I go to bed. Saturday morning: no one is talking to me. I decide I have to quit drinking.
Wow love this – push the fast forward button – ok here I go…..few years back before I got married – at friends house drinking few beers bout 9 pm leave round 1030 solo go to Latin club stay till closes at 2 am still not ready to quit stupid me gets in my truck drives to West Palm Beach cause they don’t close till 5 am get there at 3 party till 5am still not finished get in truck driving Miami now bout 80 miles south decide to pull over to use bathroom and realize I don’t have my debit card can’t find it and have 2 dollars in my pocket and less than 1/4 tank of gas and 90 miles from home – thank GOD I have friend who lives 5 miles away in Boca drive to his house and meet him in the driveway as he’s going to church he allows me to go in and crash in the couch till he gets home from church he then as good friend gives me good talk on how I’m lucky to be here and did not make it to Miami and tells me the need for me to give up drinking that was 2011 and since that time I’ve had few other stupid times out drinking so this time I hope to stay sober I’m on day 15 of being sober….. I now have amazing wife and baby boy
Opening Scene: It’s a Tuesday night, 7pm. After a hard day at work I’m out for dinner with the wife. I have a couple of beers with dinner, great conversation, great food, wife laughing and loves me. Get a message from some mates at the bar around the corner to meet up for a drink. Tell the wife I’ll be home before 10, after all, it’s a week night and I have to work in the morning.
Fast forward: Alarm goes off at 7am and I’ve only been in bed for an hour. I roll out of bed and into the shower. I brush my teeth three times to try to get rid of the smell of alcohol but I know I’ll have bad breath all day anyway. Luckily for the people I work with I’ll be hiding in my office all day anyway avoiding as much work as I can because I’m basically brain dead. I try to kiss my wife goodbye as I leave for work but she turns away. I tell her I’m sorry and that I’ll get my drinking under control, “this won’t happen again”. She doesn’t believe me at all. She’s wishing she’d never married me..
Fast forward:
It’s a Saturday afternoon and I’ve spent the day running errands and at the gym, feeling great because the night before I actually stuck to my commitment to not drink too much. Receive an invitation to a friend’s BBQ and gladly accept. Pick up a magnum bottle of wine for myself since my friends bought vodka and bourbon for themselves. Spend the day laughing, playing games in the sun and listening to music, all the while drinking away. 5 hours later I’ve finished the entire bottle and am headed to the bar for shots of liquor and beer. Fall asleep on my friend at which point I think my husband got us into a cab for home. Hole up in the bathroom to puke it out and also hit my head on the toilet leaving a nice big lump. Wake up the next day with a horrid hangover and have to bail on my cousin’s birthday party to sleep it off. Ugh. I should read this the next time I want to drink!!! So embarrassing, and I probably only had fun for about 3 hours before it all went downhill.
It’s 6:00. I can’t make dinner without wine so I grab some. I don’t want the buzz to go away so I keep drinking. Sometime between fighting with my husband and feeling sorry for myself I decide to cuddle my 7 month old. I didn’t realize I was drunk because I fell on the bed with her and was surprised I couldn’t balance. That was about 1 1/2 years ago. Since then we have cut back about 70%, and are 3 days sober now.
Fast Forward: It’s Wednesday night. Inlaws are coming in Saturday, so I need a date night / a.k.a. Excuse the o drink night w my hubs. I down 3 glasses of wine at an early bird japanese dinner. It’s 5:00pm. The nanny has the kiddies. Head to the wine bar. 3 more glasses for me. The bartender poured and I guzzled. It’s a six glass Wednesday. It’s 7:30pm. I’m delivering my overly exuberant, flamboyant monologues to the bar tender. I am obvi the most important person in the room. I’m bragging, grand standing, cackling, howling, sacheting to the bathroom, exchanging numbers with perfect strangers because we are now best friends. I told a stranger my husband was famous. Is that even a sentence? Drive to the marina for a smoke. I only smoke when I’ve tied one on. Home to the kids. How fun. Seriously? wtf? What an embarrassment.
Opening scene. It is a sunny Friday and my live in boyfriend and I have the day off to spend together working in the garage. We start drinking beer and are having a wonderful time.
Five hours later we are fighting( over what, I don’t remember) it escalates into me threatening to move out and from that I don’t remember…
What I do remember is the sad, hurt, and disappointed, look on his face and feeling like a piece of shit and hating myself.
That’s why no matter how hard, I will never drink again.
I can relate to this and the reason why I stopped drinking on 28 Jan. Its so hard seeing the look on your partners face when something like that happens. Wish I had recognised this years ago but upward and onward from now on.
Can’t remember the year but I was dressed up in my finery and attended a society wedding at Puketutu Island (Mangere Auckland) got pissed very quickly on chardonnay top shelf and snacking on quails eggs, and OH tried to get me to slow it down…..can’t remember leaving, but heard the next day that I was found on the ladie’s loo floor, dress up around my arse, flaked out……stopped drinking for nearly five years after this
its 5pm and on the way home from work i pick up some bourbon for me and the mrs
get home,crack open a bourbon, crank the music up and talk about the day relaxing and laughing and hoping for a great passionate night
9 pm the mrs is having a go at me because she’s drunk and because of my taste in music and i am trying to calm her down as i stagger to keep my balance
i am worried the cops are going to turn up with the screaming
i go to bed upstairs and she sleeps down stairs
🙁
Far too many stories to tell, here are a couple of typical scenes….
Opening scene: at a friends house for Sunday lunch and meet their new baby. Bubbles flowing and I stay the night.
Fast forward to Monday morning, I slip out the door about 6am to drive home and get changed for work. As I drive home I congratulate myself for slipping out without waking them and then it hits me. I’d thrown up in their bathroom during the night and had drunkenly tried to clean up the mess but I had left their house in the morning without checking it was properly cleaned up. I had to message my friends to tell them and apologise.
Opening scene: I’m at a family wedding that’s been organised on the cheap. There’s not enough food and far too much wine.
Fast forward: I am drunk on an empty stomach and am both rude to the groom and very rude to my step mother
its not funny folks,I am really struggling.
Lyndy drop me an email-then i will give you my ph. number.I am sure with one call I could help you.N………..
thanks for your kind thoughts, just feel very overwhelmed sometimes, I am on the members feed, but under sofie,forgot I had done that.
Hi Lyndy. Most of us found the fast forward exercise really sad and difficult. The positive was it helped strengthen the resolve of many who were struggling too. If you can pop onto the members feed, and if you feel up to it , just post and tell our great community how you are struggling. We’ll be right there for you. Don’t feel alone.
Hi Lyndy. Really sorry to hear that. Giving up the booze is certainly not easy. Have been looking for you in “Our community,” and “Members feed,” but you don’t seem to be there. Don’t know why?
Stupid things I’ve done when I’ve been pissed. How many stories do you want? I could write a book! Here’s a particularly stupid one.
A couple of years ago, after far too many wines, I had this brainwave that maybe, just maybe, I might be eligible for a tax refund. Looked up tax refund specialists. Found one. Dug out the paperwork. Did some maths on calculator. Had a few more wines. Numbers were looking positive. So I filled out the online form for the tax specialist. Sort of checked the figures and the totals, hit enter and Presto! I’m due for a tax refund. Yippee! Another wine to celebrate. Sent it off to said tax refund specialists. A few minutes later, I get a reply to say “Congratulations! You are entitled to a tax refund!” Wow, says my woozy brain, that’s cool. But hey, what’s this here in the fine print. “Oh, by the way,” says the tax refund specialist website, “We’ve deducted our fee of 20%!” 20 fucking per cent!!! And the real bitter pill to swallow came the next day, when I realized I could have done it all myself on the friendly IRD website for nix!! That drunken mistake cost me about $250!! (Plus the wine)
Moral of story – keep away from keyboard when pissed. ☹
Part of me is kind of impressed that you even THOUGHT about your taxes when pissed ;-). But yes, financial incontinence is something that was a regular feature of my drinking!
Scene
Excited to be going to meet an old boyfriend . Spend over $1,000 on new clothes , hair , nails etc . Looking and feeling hot lol . Get to the restaurant , the old magic is still there , sigh . I haven’t told him that I don’t drink now and when I arrive he’s bought me a glass of champagne . I drink it . I enjoy it . We move to our table and he’s ordered wine . I drink it , he orders more wine , we drink and flirt and before I know it we are having dessert wine too !
Fast forward
I’ve wobbled to the loo several times . The world is floating around me . I leave my coat behind at the restaurant and lose my bangle … I get the hiccups . I take several drunken photos and post them . We wobble off to his place …. I awaken with a pounding head , the memory of why we broke up in the first place ( he’s immature ) and feel totally crap about drinking …
my turn? gosh, wish memory to tell. am now four months clean again. but in past life: lived in south island, not have many friends, no family down there. drink at my flat before walking into Christchurch city on my own. meet up with strangers, very vulnerable. just want to see the lights and not be lonely. very sad and lonely. walk past strip club, bouncers encourage me in to strip for them. oh, this is different I think. very drunk at this point. up on stage, half naked, ( I would not do this AT ALL if I were sober) this is not me!!!! bouncers realised how drunk I was, they physically throw me out. THROW ME OUT? r u kidding. not like I really wanted to be there in the first place. I don’t swear, but I did, like a real cat girl, swore at these guys in the city streets. got so angry tried to get back in to the place around the back, to tell them what I think of them. slowly come to senses, surprisingly, as still very drunk. walk home, still very sad and lonely. this is just one of the many things I did, or happened to me, in a very vulnerable state, a small woman on her own, drunk. cities are not nice to woman who are on their own. i’m back home now, where I have family and new friends. my old friends from here, just don’t get it, do not understand, have no idea.
Party at home for some reason or other. Lots of effort gone in and lovely night with friends……probably my birthday. Fast forward……Everyone gone except me and one of my drinking buddie girlfriends. She doesnt drink all the time but man when she does theres no stopping her! Doesnt take much to twist my arm so there we are in the lounge at 3.30 am…….loud elvis costello on sterio, friend dancing all sultry and sexy like she does……I jump up on the day bed and start dancing up there like a go go dancer…….both laughing and having a hillarious time. Then I accidentally bounce myself right off the day bed and head plant myself into a slate topped coffee table. Not to worry…..keep dancing……friend off in her own world……didn’t seem to notice. Music pretty loud and out comes 17 yr old daughter. “OMG Mum whats happened?”……The poor wee darling…..silly juevenile delinquent mummy had blood dripping out of her head and running down her face!!! Scared the hell out of her. We’ve had a few laughs about it since but Not proud of that one!!
So many fast forward moments and perhaps not quite ready to share all of them yet but one of the worst ones was:
1pm at a Music festival that we organise, having a wine to calm my nerves before all the people get there, feeling positive as it’s a lovely sunny day & I am looking forward to playing music
Fast forward 7.30pm (or so I’m told the next day!) hubby literally has to carry me home as my legs won’t support me, I fall out of bed after he’s gone back to the festival, clothes still on, busting for the loo but can’t make it as again my legs fail me and then trying desperately to get back into bed and I can’t even manage that so end up on the floor. Next day, a lady who I sort of know, came up to me (this is late afternoon by the time I managed to get back down to the festival) and told me how worried she was about me the night before. I feel so ashamed even writing this but it’s the truth and sometimes the truth hurts! (Then I discovered Mrs D and here I am)
There are many memories like that and I realized alcohol makes me a completely different/disgusting person.
The truth does hurt but it’s the only thing (for me) keeping me sober.
Decided to inspire myself and do a positive fast forward…
5pm start feeling blah and restless cant put my finger on why, feeling bit sorry for myself couples with day just seemed yuck, nothing concrete. Want to forget stop the brain and relax… what to reach for…wine chocolate,, FAST FORWARD… next morning feeling better. Feel great look back at last night still not sure where blah feeling came from but that’s okay. Proud that I took some deep breaths last night and instead of eating/drinking I it my fav candle, using it to centre myself, then had some herbal tea to relax myself. I managed to bring myself back to the moment during the evening by repeating ‘where I am now is where I need to be all is whole perfect and complete, I am safe’ Watched fav TV show and rad book. Cooked myself a lovely tea, had a warm hot milk/ choc drink before snuggling into bed
What a nice thought @schooseslife! These stories are terribly sad. Of course I have plenty of my own.
Really needed your positive fast forward. Thank you. These drunken stories are so heart wrenchingly sad. So glad we are safe now. X
Friday afternoon. Feeling sorry for myself due to several stressors at home. Been told to be kind to myself so kindly buy myself some wine. Daughter out for the evening so can drink how I want…..fast and lots. Jump in car to get more wine and a takeaway. Wake up early feeling scared and anxious. Just another fun night at home of solitary drinking. Feel like a loser. Been here before. Need to change. Need to accept life on life’s terms and stop self medicating to stop feeling. Scared and sad.
This solitary drinking is so tragic. Others don’t realise we are doing it and think we are overreacting when we say we have a drink problem. It is such a lonely existence. Thank god we are free. Your post exactly describes my ‘being kind to myself’ up until I came across Mrs D. X
My husband and I are at the lake for the weekend with some of his co-workers, whom I have never met (he is a police officer). We spend the day out on the boat, swimming and fishing and DRINKING, beginning at 11:00 am, which is not something I am used to.
Fast forward to 6:30 pm…. I am floating on a raft next to the boat when the anchor falls off the deck into the water. I yell “I got it!” and grab hold of the rope, not realizing it is not tied on. It pulls me off the raft and down into the water, and one of hubby’s co-workers dives in and saves me. The next morning, I DID NOT EVEN REMEMBER THIS HAPPENING!!! But everyone else did! I was embarrassed for me, but mortified for my wonderful husband.
The next week, I found Mrs. D and here I am. Thank goodness for miracles!
Lydia,
Many many miracles happening for all of us, so very happy you are well, safe, and with us here.
QD
I am on a cruise having a fresh G and T. It tastes so good I gulp it down, and another and another.
Fast forward, I’m on my bed having pissed myself wondering how the hell I got from the bar to here. I’m sick sick sick and I have pack my bag to be picked up by midnight cos the cruise ends. I’m completely miserable.
opening scene.. finish work, picks kids up and get home. Watch clock round till 5pm or 4 if I’m super duper stressed.. get my wine glass and pour a large wine.. 1st glass doesn’t touch the sides. start house jobs with refill.. fast forward to 9pm.. pissed up sat in chair watching crap I won’t remember. eating junk (mainly crisps and chocolate) .. wobble up the stairs to bed and try and read through one eye as can’t focus. sleep a shit nights sleep and wake up knackard and feel sick and have headache and be grumpy most of the day till I would do it all again. that would be after 2 bottles of chardonnay and 2 large vodka’s. now it’s tonic and lime for me…
Opening Scene:
April 5, 2013, height of my career, high stress extremely rewarding job. Master of Moderation,long history of alcohol in the family, healthcare education has taught me the warning signs of alcoholism and am very aware of danger signs. Very careful with intake but it is a daily challenge.
April 6, 2013, wake up DEAF, terrified, barely any hearing at all, weeks and weeks of many painful and experimental treatments later and still have only 2% of hearing return, fitted for hearing aids which allow me to hear noise but not understand voices. Unable to work at all. Unable to hear granddaughter’s first words. Terrified of the dark. Miss working so much it is a physical pain.
Moderation button completely broken, begin drinking red wine heavily, daily, to ease the pain of loss. Earlier and earlier daily start.
April 6, 2014, no wine in the house, good look in mirror makes me decide to hit the reset button on my life, for once, do not give in, very quietly stop.
Day 145 sober today. Happy to fast forward, looking ahead and not behind.
Very grateful to be here.
@quietlydone – thank you for writing your story. So glad you are here.
You are beautiful and Amazing QuietlyDone!