I am not the problem….

At the end of my drinking days I was a miserable booze-soaked wreck. I had so much wine coursing through my veins I was soaked in the stuff. I was completely ground down by my heavy and dysfunctional drinking habit. I felt weak, powerless and pathetic because I couldn’t control myself when it came to alcohol.

My sense of wellbeing was well and truly eroded.

I felt like a piece of shit to be perfectly honest. I had let myself down time and again.. making promises and breaking them over and over again.. so many broken promises that I had lost faith in myself.

This is what booze had led me to. Feeling like a worthless piece of shit person with no willpower or inner strength.

Fucking shit addiction.

I think the big thing that happened for me at my point of change (over six years ago now).. was that finally one day I had a subtle but significant thought-change and shift inside myself. In the wee small hours of the morning with my cheeks wet from tears after my final ever binge a little thought occurred to me and with it a long-dormant part of myself rose up inside.

The thought went like this.  “I am not the problem. Alcohol is the problem.”

Such a small thought but a very powerful one because what that thought did was shift the power and give some back to me – me who was feeling so powerless and helpless. “I am not the problem. Alcohol is the problem. I suddenly saw that the problem wasn’t inherently in me, it was only me when I had alcohol in my system. As I shifted the power and saw clearly what the problem was I was lead to only one conclusion….

“Take the alcohol away and the problem is gone.”

And so it was with this thought that I separated myself out from the problem. I found a little kernel of strength inside as I refused to believe the problem was inherently in me. No – the problem was the alcohol in me. And so I decided that in order to fix the problem alcohol simply had to go. And at that point of change alcohol became the enemy. Not my friend. And that is a belief I have clung to ever since.

I am not the problem. Alcohol is the problem. 

There was a lot of hard work (most of it unexpected) that went on after that moment of clarity to change all of my hard-wired thinking around booze (that it was the golden ticket to fun, helped me deal with stress, made life interesting, enhanced social events etc etc etc).. but throughout it all I held tight to that single clear belief .

I am not the problem. Alcohol is the problem. 

I can’t believe how much has changed for me in six years since that moment of clarity. I can’t believe how different I feel as a person. I can’t believe how much I have learned about myself. I can’t believe the endlessly fascinating world I am now awake to – all the new ways dealing with emotions I am now embracing.

I can’t believe how much more calm and grounded and connected I feel as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend.

I can’t believe the internet has become such a magical & powerful force in my life. I can’t believe how warm and amazing the online recovery community is.

I can’t believe how amazing it is to live entirely alcohol free.

I just can’t believe the turn my life has taken. All because I had a moment of clarity on the 6th of September 2011.

I am not the problem. Alcohol is the problem.

Take the alcohol away and the problem will go.

Love, Mrs D xxx