On flaws and forgiving ourselves..

By crickey I am flawed. I am so deeply flawed it is not funny. I know I’m a brave and amazing sober warrior (as are many of you!!) but in other areas of my life I try and fail all the time.

I promise myself I’m not going to eat sugar and then I furtively eat cooking chocolate late at night.

I tell myself I’m going to step up my exercise regime by doing longer dog walks and and then I do the short ones because I just want to get it over with.

I tell myself I’m going to sit and meditate every day for 5 minutes then I just don’t.

I tell myself I’m going to pull back on my Reality TV watching and then I think I can’t possibly miss the latest instalment of Dance Moms/Flipping Out/Keeping Up With The Kardashians/The Block.

I can be judgemental and jealous. I can be grumpy and snippy. I can be sloppy. I can be dumb. I can be vain and I can be insecure.

Of course I can be lots and lots of good things too.. but these are the sorts of flaws that I have, and believe me when I say the sense of failure I feel when I do these things is acute.

There’s only one way that I’ve learned I can cope with this messy range of human experiences that I now experience so acutely in sobriety. And that is to forgive myself. Over and over and over.

I forgive myself for being flawed, piggy, moody, lazy, less-than-perfect. I forgive myself and I tell myself that everyone does and experiences these things. I forgive myself, I pick myself up again and I keep going without it letting me drag me down permanently.

In my boozing days I would experience these flawed feelings and let them drag me down, down, down. I’d let myself  wallow in an extended pit of low self-worth. It could be pretty crippling.

But the longer I am sober the more I have come to accept that of course I am flawed, I am human! And the best thing I can do is pick myself up after every ‘fail’ and keep on going. It’s the only way to keep on going – with my self-worth maintained somewhat.

NONE of us are worthless pieces of shit. NONE of us are fatally flawed. NONE of us deserve to feel miserable and low consistently because of our normal ‘failings’.

Least of all because of self-imposed lofty ideals we struggle to maintain (message to self: stop imposing lofty ideals).

Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself over and over and over. And then forgive yourself again. In two weeks time forgive yourself. Next month forgive yourself. In five years time forgive yourself. I know I will.

The more I do this, the stronger I feel. With forgiveness comes an acceptance and, most importantly, a warmth and understanding. And sending those messages inwards is the most powerful thing we can do.

Love, Mrs D xxx

  1. timeto 8 years ago

    Good message Mrs. D! I’m close to 8 months now and feel good most of the time. I feel in control and relieved when I can’t remember yesterday…it’s not because I was trashed! I always know that whatever I did or said….was within normal limits!!! I do have waves of remembering incidents while drunk… and I actually cringe. I have to forgive myself over and over…. I try not to sweat the small things because anything I may say or do now is reparable.

  2. Hazel 8 years ago

    You really are so very wise. And funny as shit. I hope I run into you some day in Wellington so I can thank you in person for being so very brave and sharing your story. It changed my life. I’ll forgive myself tomorrow and the next day for being so hard on myself for something stupid and trivial and I will remember to thank you.

    Might as well do it now….

    Day 167…..Thank you Xx

  3. jo14 8 years ago

    I find it interesting how hard we are on ourselves. It is about loving ourselves first (and forgiving) before we love and forgive others. I need to remind myself that it is about progress and not perfection. I am liking the person I am becoming. At times it feels like 2 steps forward, 1 step backwards…but I am changing and for the better (I hope) haha….great post! 🙂

  4. JM 8 years ago

    Always timely, Mrs. D – have been struggling a little lately. I think this message is what I needed to hear or read right now. You cannot go wrong with compassion, and it starts with yourself. xx

  5. SueK 8 years ago

    Thank you for this wonderful reminder! Do you feel like the more you forgive yourself, the more forgiving you are of other people? I’ve read this happens, but I’m still feeling like a judgmental bitch a lot of the time!!!! Oh well, today I forgive myself, wholeheartedly, for that too.

  6. soberorbust 8 years ago

    Love this post Mrs D! Absolutely could not agree more!

  7. Prudence 8 years ago

    Heck! that was a timely one, thanks Mrs D. I have been the laziest slob all day. Big ideas this morning of driving out to the beach and doing a big walk. Nah! Only went out the door once at 6pm to take the rubbish bin out. Been binge watching netflix most of the day, and hopping on and off LS and FB and my email and my novel. I do feel a bit dysfunctional but I’ve loved it, and haven’t had a day like this is months. If I was still drinking I’d have a day like this every couple of weeks, and the secret is they are so much more enjoyable now when I do indulge in this absolute laziness and decadence because I feel 100%. Just a bit tired. I totally forgive myself for today, and for the chocolate as well haha xo

  8. Rita 8 years ago

    So helpful at the moment Im in a stage of guilt trips. When people look at your past and label you by it. Your kids get asked if their mum is still the pisshead she was? Helpful people tell you your kids will be damaged.
    You want to run but you have to stay grounded and sober.

  9. Trace 8 years ago

    Brilliant, thank you so much for this! It can be really hard when you are judging yourself from your inside thoughts (jealousy, piggy, moody, can’t be arsedsy….) against others outwards image (all-together, never sloppy, never jealous or shitty…) – wonderful powerful post xx

  10. Liberty 8 years ago

    I love this Mrs D and totally agree it’s the most powerful thing we can do.

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