Investing in myself

This guest post was written as an update in the Members Feed by member @dirb, and I thought it was so powerful and succinct it was worth sharing here. 

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@dirb: Thank you for this space, this foundation to my day. Every word from everyone is gold, a true gift for all of us here. The good, the bad, the ugly, the triumps, the failures, the bravery to share the raw stories, the constant incoming tide of love, support and empathy. This place is what has made the difference for me, this time, you have made the difference for me.

The first couple of weeks were the hardest, so easy to put it in the “too hard, why bother” basket. Stop, start, reset, forgive. Stop, start, reset, forgive. So the first couple of weeks, on repeat actually, so maybe turns into months, for an unspecified number of times.

Eventually, a subtle change occurred for me, which allowed me to look at myself, regardless of all the “reasons”, “excuses”, “shitfull life events with their bucketloads of justification for drinking”, and I got bored of the my same old story. The shit will still happen – lightbulb moment – drinking doesn’t make it magically disappear, become invisible or enable me to learn, change, adapt improve my life. It just fucks it up more for me and puts the stuff that matters on hold.

I know it is a part of my life now, to be vigilant, not to think “sorted”. I know for sure, I cannot moderate my drinking. No need for any more experiments on that front.

Sometimes it pisses me off, as I love a cold beer on a hot day. That little voice, sometime shouting voice, has had to be flicked of like, a fucken annoying mosquito – first I had to hear it, then see it, then smash it – so far Mosquito 0, Me 100.

It pisses me off that this happens, but then I pop onto this site and that truly is so recentering. I draw a deep breath, have a long drink of chilled water and fresh lemon and am so grateful for the resulting peace and sense of achievement in my head and heart.

I have an investment in myself now, in the sober time so far and the scales have tipped toward a “well I don’t want to fuck this up and start again”, because I know I would have to start again, as I couldn’t maintain a drinking regime and be ok.

Love and strength from me to each of you.

Kia kaha.

@dirb