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Am I a failure?

September 21st, 2015 Mrs D's Blog

Am I a failure because I’m not calm and contented all the time?

Am I a failure because I seem to have developed low-grade anxiety lately and am aware that often I have this slight ‘sense of impending doom’ that isn’t related to anything specific that is currently going on?

Am I a failure because I’ve been trying to develop a mindfulness/meditation practice that – while undoubtedly effective and I have experienced some great benefits – is sporadic at best?

Am I a failure because I still find anger a really hard emotion to control? It hits occasionally in short & sharp bursts and makes me feel super-bad afterwards.

Am I a failure because I can still display dysfunctional, isolating, ‘alcoholic’ behaviours around other substances (namely fatty & sugary foods)?

Am I a failure because I compare myself to others, admonishing myself for not achieving what other people can? I think: Other people can give up sugar – why can’t you? Other people can exercise daily – why can’t you? Other people can meditate twice a day – why can’t you? Other people are calm and content all the time – why aren’t you?

Am I a failure because I can write posts like this and appear to be very self-aware yet still I struggle to be exactly the person who I want to be?

Am I a failure?

No, I’m not a failure. I’m a human being. And I’m trying.

I’m trying to be the best version of myself that I can be. I’m trying to exercise regularly. I’m trying to meditate and live mindfully. I’m trying to control my intake of sugary & fatty foods. I’m trying to control my anger. I’m trying to stay calm when my brain is winding up in circles. I’m trying to not compare myself to others because I know that everyone is different (and it’s highly unlikely that anyone is perfect all of the time).

I’m not a failure because I’m trying. And if I die and everyone says ‘she tried her hardest to be the best that she can be’ then I’ll be happy. Because really… that’s all that I can do.

Oh… and I’m not a failure because I LIVE SOBER.. and anyone who kicks a dysfunctional booze habit to the curb is BRAVE and AMAZING and that includes me.

Love, Mrs D xxx

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