Managing Feelings

A big part of getting sober is learning how to deal with our emotions. This Sober Toolbox is a space for sharing tips and techniques for how to deal with emotional pain or stress. If you're looking for more discussion, interactions and feedback, head inside our Members Feed. That's where the real-time conversations take place.

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502 Comments
  1. Jstar19 3 months ago

    I’ve been sober a year now. I’m more irritable than I have ever been in my life! I have very little patience and am upset that my partner won’t stop drinking. Does this get better? I’m wondering if I’m just not a very nice person! I’ve decided to give AA a go, clearly I’m not dealing with my feelings. I simply stopped drinking, did not read anything or have a support group. Maybe I’ve done it wrong as I am craving something to soothe my irritability. And alcohol comes to mind. I’ve realised I have had very few boundaries and let people bully me especially at work, now I’m trying to live up to what my kids think I should be. Any advice as to where to go now? Would be appreciated.

    • melissa123 2 months ago

      This may just be me….and if it doesn’t resonate or seem right, disregard, but in my own personal experience I feel most irritable when something is bothering me and I haven’t processed it. It could be lingering anxiety over something upcoming that I feel unsure about or just resentment about something ongoing that I feel helpless about and so am not facing. For me, alcohol served as a go-to remedy (only momentarily, of course) so I wouldn’t have to face my feelings. I have been with a therapist for a while now, which has helped me to see this. I haven’t been a non-drinker as long as you, so you’re further down the path than me, so I may not know what I’m talking about!!

  2. Zandile 4 months ago

    “I think self-discipline is like a muscle. The more you exercise it, the stronger it gets.”– Daniel Goldstein

  3. sobergirl74 5 months ago

    Day one for me. I have tried to stop drinking before, but I can’t deal with my feelings and everything going on, so I drink lots of wine to make myself feel good at night. It’s been going on for over 20 years and I’ve got to stop. I can’t sleep when I don’t drink and I dread the process of restoring a healthy sleep pattern. Had a scary experience this past weekend – blacked out and still can’t put the puzzle pieces together. I was at a Halloween party and I will just say I’m lucky nothing bad happened to me or anyone else. I’m tired of the circle…. I know I’m not a drink one and move on kind of drinker, so I have to quit completely. Hoping this group will help me stay accountable and encouraged.

    • rachks1 1 month ago

      Hello lovely! I’m in the same boat. Day one – again!!! I too am tired of this not-so-merry-go-round. It’s exhausting. I keep trying though. Sitting with feelings is hard. I also have PTSD and ADHD which I’m just getting treatment for but it’s a slow process. I’m thinking of trying AA but I’ve not been too keen on the principles in the past. I’m getting to the stage though where I feel like I need the accountability and a sponsor. If you keep trying, I will too. Many people have done this, and there seem to be some real success stories here so it looks like we’re not alone! Sending you hugs and a ton of empathy <3

    • Cold.Turkey 3 months ago

      Be kinder to yourself. I have had many day ones but as time passes they become less frequent. I found that A lot of things go through my head and drinking helps drown out the emotions. I would recommend keeping a diary and writing down those thoughts, reflecting on the reasoning and then put a positive spin on them.

      We can be our own worst enemy at times so try to get out of your head and try new activities.

    • Liam 4 months ago

      One trick I used was to make myself a list of the reasons I wanted to quit drinking. I surprised myself when I found the list easily contained more than 10 valid reasons. I keep that list around in electronic form on several of my devices, and it is a simple matter to call it up and review it whenever I want to. What I found is that when I am feeling weak or at risk, rereading that list to myself gives me courage and resolve.

    • bookbook 4 months ago

      Listen to Andrew Hubermans podcasts on sleep. They work!

  4. Annie42 8 months ago

    I’m day 12 of sobriety today. My guilt for hurting my partner due to terrible decisions whilst blind drunk and not remembering anything has scared me into going stone cold sober. I don’t recognize myself anymore. My pain and unbelievable sadness for hurting those I love is the wake up call that has happened but never should of

  5. ClareB 8 months ago

    I too am concerned about the damage to my liver. But one other thing that I fear is the inability to sleep when I chose not to drink. My husband is a terrible snorer, so I find after not having a drink to help me fall asleep, I lie awake most of the night, waking feeling very frustrated, which then leads me to drinking again. I feel so proud of myself when I manage a night of no drinking (which is very rare) I just wish I can persevere.
    Has anyone got any suggestions for helping with sleep?

    • valp 7 months ago

      Hi ClareB I also have trouble sleeping and my husband is a snorer. I used to get up in the middle of the night and drink wine then went to bed and slept for about an hour and continued on with drinking which interfered with my sleeping. I am on day 2 now and determined not to drink. Have you talked to your dr about getting something to help you sleep. I am trying magnesium at the moment but hoping when I have given up drinking for a while sleep will come. Going to talk to my dr next week regarding sleeping xx

    • ClareB 8 months ago

      @MrsD I listened you on Grey Areas podcast and you both inspired me to sign on here, thank you so much!

  6. Greycat1 8 months ago

    My family drank so I drank. It made me feel great!! Unfortunately I don’t know when to stop so I hurt myself and forget hurting others.

    Now I have no others to hurt except myself.. so I’m stopping. And my 2 dogs lol.
    Here is to day 1!!

  7. carli 10 months ago

    a big fear of mine is the liver…..actually it is mr.liver who caused me to stop…scared for my four children that any time I was going to be told my liver stopped functioning.. I decided 2 weeks ago to stop. because I know I can t control myself with one glass ….it has to be nothing!!!In reading many blogs, I can not seem to find one person who was scarred or talked about it….did anyone have this fear…

    • LMeloan 10 months ago

      Gillian May posts a blog on Medium that has a lot of information about what drinking does to the liver. Your fear is real but the liver is also incredibly good at recovering if you stop poisoning it. So good that you stopped! Read her posts, talk to your doctor, be kind to yourself, allow yourself grace. Believe in your ability to stop drinking. I was also worried about my liver when I stopped because I watched my dad destroy his liver and witnessed what that looks like. Ending the daily ritual of poison is the first most important step.

    • toejam15 10 months ago

      i to stoped 2wks ago same reason my bloods are bad still have pain in my liver can hardly eat makes it worse i think i have done some damage but dont wanna face it then it will b real im scarred also

  8. Klyner 11 months ago

    Been gone for far too long (somehow it’s only been a week?! Feels much longer) – time to recommit. I’m always amazed at how low drinking can make me feel the day(s) after. Zero motivation, zero energy, to do even the most simple tasks. It’s sneaky too, it doesn’t hit you immediately, some times it comes after a few days of drinking. Either way, I’m excited that today is Day 1. 1 day at a time. 🙂

    Who else isn’t drinking today?

  9. camD 12 months ago

    Hi all, in need of some advice. IV been to meetings before and seen counselors for my drinking how ever unfortunately I kept getting passed around or they couldn’t help me any longer which made me give up on myself yet again. But here I am I don’t know where to start or how to start or where to seek help anymore. Any advice would be much appreciated

    • Izzey 9 months ago

      Hi there, I really hope you are doing ok now. I don’t go to meetings but the tools I used were the 30 Alcohol Free Experiment which is Free Annie Grace. I read sober / recovery lit every day including “Mrs D is going with out” and also listen to a sober podcast every day – I really loved “Behind the smile” by Ash Buttress because each episode was interview with somebody on the journey so a lot wisdom. I also do a mental dump each morning by writing 3 pages straight from the mind stream of conscious style – really good you will be amazed what comes up – its very freeing. I also check in here list site as the support and contact is important. I just read Dry by Augusten Bouroughs and also “We are the luckiest” by Laura McKeown which is very special. best wishes

    • LMeloan 10 months ago

      Although meetings and counselors are great, many of us stopped on our own and actually making the choice to stop drinking has a higher success rate than meetings and rehab. Because you are the only one who can actually get yourself to stop. That said–you do need a network– you may have to create it- even if it is just in your head. I had a friend I looked up to who was years sober through so many hard things. I read/continue to read blogs, quit lit—and I am acquiring more and more friends and inspiration as I continue with sobriety. You will too. You can absolutely do it. Quitting drinking is not a silver bullet— shit still happens. I lost both of my parents the first year I was sober. But every single day I am relieved and grateful that I stopped. It is just the best—really—absolutely wonderful once you get to the other side and stop being held by a substance and actually get to live your life. I believe in you and know you can do it.

  10. 3peace 1 year ago

    Day one is official tomorrow. 1 day at a time? Any advice on how to ask for help 😐 from family members. Really need in-house support but don’t want to be judged or put too much on my families plate.

    • Cold.Turkey 1 year ago

      Find family members that support you minus the guilt trips. I have a mate I know the heart is in the right place but still judges me for stuff I did when I was boozy, some of which sober me as no recall.

      Had a honest conversation with mate and pointed out that I can only control my recovery, my emotions and cannot be responsible for how they feel.

      My recovery is on my terms, not theirs. And I can do without the guilt trip as the journey is hard enough as it is. The friend in question was a bit pissed but understood.

      My family are supporting me by planning booze free activities as it is early days I avoid any events where there is temptation .

      Just be open, try not to take judgements to personal and be kind to yourself. The most important relationship you going to have moving forward is with yourself.

      Good journey.

    • Cold.Turkey 1 year ago

      Find family members that support you minus the guilt trips. I have a mate I know the heart is in the right place but still judges me for stuff I did when I was boozy, some of which sober me as no recall.

      Had a honest conversation with mate and pointed out that I can only control my recovery, my emotions and cannot be responsible for how they feel.

      My recovery is on my terms, not theirs. And I can do without the guilt trip as the journey is hard enough as it is. The friend in question was a bit pissed but understood.

      My family are supporting me by planning booze free activities as it is early days I avoid any events where there is temptation .

      Just be open, try not to take judgements to personal and be kind to yourself. The most important relationship you going to have moving forward is with yourself.

      Good journey.

      • gottlob 12 months ago

        The guilt trips is a tricky one. It’s good that you were able to sort things out with you mate. My wife is an expert on guilt trips, and if I’ve fallen off the wagon will harangue me for two days straight and say a lot of seriously destructive things. I’m getting better at trying not to let that stuff get to me. As you say, it’s hard enough without the judgemental stuff. Luckily friends and colleagues, and most of my wife’s family, are very kind, which helps. Yes, taking judgements to heart is best avoided if you can, when you’re already beating yourself up about it.

  11. Jules 1 year ago

    Day 7 today…. Still yay for me. My first Saturday in years where I have woken up naturally without the fog, headache and the dry’s. The emotions have been tough to navigate over the past week. I listened to a podcast with Brene Brown who spoke about behaviours and emotions when responding to ourselves. If our child tells us they have behaved/reacted badly and they feel like absolute crap. Our response would be, are you ok? What can I do? How can I help? Let’s talk about it. It will be ok. However, why are our own responses to ourselves so toxic- you idiot! You complete mess! Your sloppy! You’re an embarrassment! I thought about this paving the footpath listening to motivational podcasts-day four booze free. This made sense to me. Why do I treat myself so appalling- or is it the residual effects of the booze to keep me on the loop of addiction. Upshot for me is- if I can manage my emotions and how I respond to them especially when it comes to self- I may stand a chance to survive and stay booze free🤞

    • AndIan 6 months ago

      So true.

  12. claire54321 1 year ago

    I have been drinking for 10years now. It started when my partner was paying attention to other women. It really broke me eventually we broke up in 2018 he was with someone else and all the evidence is there to say it was going on way before.
    I tried to get myself together and stay away from him he was tormenting me towards the end of the break up which led to me drinking more and eventually having a break down sounds stupid but I agreed to try again with him and bingo the control started again and him making it look like it was me as I was drinking heavy again.
    I didn’t realise it at first but I now know he was videoing me and I did become verbally abusive all from the underlying issues he says he has numerous videos of me and even narrates them saying look at this look at that others he does without my knowledge I just want to be happy.
    My kids won’t speak to me my whole world is falling apart and now he’s saying he wants the house and will use the videos to get me out.
    The worse it gets the more I turn to drink it’s a vicious circle.

    • Tiffany 10 months ago

      I’m in a similar situation but I’m coming up to 6 weeks sober and he’s got nothing on me now. If I left him he could use recordings from the past but I’m doing everything to get myself on the right track.

    • Paula33 1 year ago

      Sounds like you’ve had a tough few years and still have a lot going on. You’ve come on this site for a reason and, you said yourself, you just want to be happy. Well done, two great positive things right there. You can’t change the past but you can ask for help. You CAN stop drinking. It won’t be easy. Re the house, you might want to consider phoning a community law centre for some free advice/information on your legal rights. In terms of drinking, I found my GP was a great source of information on where I could find free help. From everything you’ve said in you post it sounds to me like a you are a strong woman and that you want to stop drinking. You can do this. Please do ask for help from your GP clinic.

  13. LizzieL 2 years ago

    Hi having relapsed after 3 years alcohol free, am now on day 10, 2nd time around. Really recommend book ‘Mrs D is going without by lotte damm. Is my bible. “The problem isn’t me. The problem is the alcohol. Take the alcohol away and the problem goes away”. Has been my mantra last 10 days. And also some people can take or leave alcohol.. no big deal for them
    But I’m not one of those people. Wishing us all alcohol-free success 🙂

    • Redheadrocks 1 year ago

      Thank you for sharing. Im only 9 months sobeer and have had a week long lapse/relapse. Just so lost. So much going on. So much pressure. I have no idea what to do next.

      • Wizard 9 months ago

        Me too. Help!!

  14. La la 2 years ago

    I cannot shift the feelings qnd thoughts of being an absolutely shite human being whilst sober. Sober for 3 weeks. I have no patience. Im rude with family and friends. I am saying nasty comments as if i am gods gift. I wouldnt be my friend. I would tell me to shut up and wind my neck back in.
    Is this just my personality underneath the booze?
    Or is this something that will pass?

    I was such a chirpy happy go lucky, inspiring, motivating drunk…… doesnt make sense to be sober with my current new self

    • Redheadrocks 1 year ago

      Thank you for sharing. Im only 9 months sobeer and have had a week long lapse/relapse. Just so lost. So much going on. So much pressure. I have no idea what to do next.

  15. Ron 2 years ago

    Day one of connection to this website and you all seem so strong!
    Got asked by d&a councillor today when was the last time I didn’t have a drink or drug and I can’t remember…..
    got forced out of my own business on Tuesday after drinking a half a bottle of vodka before we opened the door. Don’t remember that and swore on my kids lives that I hadn’t had a drink…. can’t remember talking to d&a boss when he rang me either though so guess it was me that drank it.
    Managed to sneak a drink in today while on a mission for work.
    Sick of this shit to be honest!
    Thought I was stronger than this. Seems I’m not.

  16. Felidae55 2 years ago

    I’m a month sober tomorrow, and one thing that has been helping me stay on track, is the ‘fast forward’. When the drinking a glass of wine pops into my head, I fast forward towards the inevitable. Waking up, sore from falling over, embarrassed, checking my phone to see if I drunk posted. Right now, my sense of being ‘good’ is helping me too. After a lifetime of feeling shameful and wrong, it’s a feeling I am so loving. Seeing my family happier is a huge help too. The podcast Sober Awkward is also EPIC! Funny, truthful, and not afraid of the grubby reality of life on the booze side.

  17. SarahQ 2 years ago

    Life of a binge drinker… today is day one, I’m out of control & it’s impacting every day life and relationships. Last night major blackout, not the first time but it is the first time reaching out for help. Can not continue like this anymore!

    • Felidae55 2 years ago

      I’m with you. I’ve been so fearful of stopping drinking, as I didn’t know how I would get that instant feeling of calm. My day 1 started when I woke up, so sore after having fallen off my bike. Worse, my 14 year old was seeing everything, and my out of control behaviour was keeping them in a dark and unstable place. Right now, I’m doing ok. I feel VERY in control, which is a brand new feeling, and kind of righteous too. I got so sick of being the bad one. Now I’m feeling saint like! Hope you are doing ok.

    • Thelma 2 years ago

      Ahhhhhh, I hear you loud and clear Sarah. I’ve been drinking to the point of falling over and hurting myself, but having zero memory of it…I’m scared, hurting inside and lost. Was hoping this site might help 🙏

  18. Mamabear 2 years ago

    I drink when I am happy, sad, stressed or as the sun is shining

    • Thelma 2 years ago

      Me too. Would love to be able to control it.

  19. Fish2603 2 years ago

    I’m in pain constantly from ongoing back issues, I have focal aware epilepsy and on medication daily which gives me anxiety and depression, and I still have auras. I am in constant threat of this getting worse which could ruin my life completely, causing me to lose my license, my job, and hence everything, including possibly the ability to pick up my kids, take them to school etc, hence custody. The ability to work, pay my mortgage, bills and live my life.

    I have issues sleeping because of the pain and anxiety and am constantly on edge causing issues in my relationship.

    I am just over it, bordering and beyond bordering suicidal thoughts almost daily. So very tired. So sick of taking panadol and ibuprofen to try and not be in pain daily. Wondering if this is what life is like now, as I get older this is just going to get worse and worse. Tired of talking about it, burdening people with my problems, which don’t go away anyway. Just so tired.

    • quoteme 1 year ago

      How are you fish? Just going through some threads and came across yours. I hope you have been better x

  20. Buggles 2 years ago

    After 8 days of medically detoxing, I never want to do that again. I’m still on meds to curb the tremors.
    My cravings drive me insane, but I have the most amazing partner who is stopping drink in support of me. I have photographed myself everyday during my recovery as looking back on day one picture confirms my decision to stop drinking. I listen to audio books by recovering alcoholics and reach out to my support networks including my doctor when things get tough.

  21. Nicknacker 2 years ago

    Over night I lost the plot. My withdrawal symptoms were so bad I took lorazepam which did nothing. Swore and declared to my husband I would not drink today. Too late. I feel so guilty but the power of the inner addict has taken over today. It’s just awful being in this dilemma! 😭 I even tried to throw everything back up. I’m so sad I’m not sure what to do. I wanted to go to hospital and I was worried about suicidal thoughts. There is something underlying this behaviour but I can’t work out what it is! Feel so worthless and alone.

  22. jamie111 2 years ago

    Had a real good day today 4 days sober first 2 days were hard but had family support day 4 today was the hardest been a Friday. I managed to get straight home help the wife with kids and went for a run! Was the best thing ever felt so much better. I ran until I pretty much fell over pushing all my anger and emotions out. Feeling real good. Hope things carry on like this!

  23. gumbootz 2 years ago

    Got wasted lastnight. Friday night ritual since my Father passed in September this year… managed to wait til Friday… after the funeral it was a nightly occasion. Go to work, come home and numb the emotions. Partner of 3 years left by the end of the month. Couldn’t stand being around me anymore. I couldn’t look after myself, so I couldn’t look after him. So, had a month of masking. Dragging myself to work, floating through the day like it was a blur. To come home and drink again. Finding pills to make myself sleep. Ex partner had a stash after he left that he never took with him. So those helped with the numbing. Until they ran out.
    Stopped for a week coz I could see my world fading away. And Mon to Fri I can function without drinking. Forced myself to stop…
    Come Monday, I’d tell myself I won’t do it again next weekend. But it keeps happening. Every Friday. Drinking, crying… drinking to forever… waking up and doing it again… trying to hurt myself and absolutely hating myself. I get suicidal thoughts. I cry and it feels like my heart is physically aching… Falling asleep downstairs on a couch in a mess of alcohol. Even started trying weed more.

    I want to kick this shit out of my life.
    I want to function.
    Its just sooo hard with all the emotional stress. I have triggers and its an internal battle I have at the loss of my Dad. Thats a whole story… and then the relationship break up. He will message me and trigger me… because I let him. Because I cant let go. I need to let it go. He didn’t choose to stay when I needed him most… and I’ve never once thought of leaving him through his shit. Thats also a whole other story too.
    Writing this helps. When im putting action to my words… making small steps… I know ill achieve my goals.
    I always do… its just never been this hard. I have always been the strong one helping everyone else.
    I’m the only person who can fix this. One day at a time. This is day 1 xx

    • Ronica 2 years ago

      Hey Gumbootz – day 1 for me too… you’re not alone.

      • quoteme 1 year ago

        How are you fish? Just going through some threads and came across yours. I hope you have been better x

    • wanttonotwantit 2 years ago

      Hey Gumbootz
      How are you doing today?
      You sure have a lot of emotional things going on.
      I agree that having this safe place to write it out is very helpful for me as well. I do need to find an accountability partner.
      Not today wine….not today.

  24. sibby 2 years ago

    I have trouble with being irritated and since I got sober I like being alone more. But I know the world doesn’t change for me and I gotta get out there so when I do become irritable, usually with others, I try to stop thinking of myself and tell my ego voice to back off. Laughing at myself can help too !

  25. Chas 2 years ago

    Hi, I’m new to this site. I’m facing another Day 1 after going on a bender. I couldn’t even get up for work. I feel so much regret and anger towards myself. I feel weak and like I keep letting alcohol overtake my life. I want it to officially end. No more Day 1’s. It’s becoming like a reoccurring nightmare and it keeps having bigger negative impacts on my life. It’s so frustrating that something so damaging could be so persuasive.

    • grayman 2 years ago

      Hey mate, same here a couple of nights ago. So I do kinda understand where you’re at, brother.
      1 step at a time, 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, 1 year, OK?
      We got this!
      cheers, Graeme

    • sibby 2 years ago

      Hi Chas. Just reaching out is a strength. Minute by minute hour by hour until day one is over.

  26. Justloveisnotenough 3 years ago

    I am not an alcoholic but my partner is and I would like to share my feelings about how it feels like to be with an alcoholic.

    I am 30 years old and am with my partner for the last 13 years and it’s been 4 years of marriage. I never knew that he is going to drink every day and not just a couple of drinks but till he is drunk enough to sleep. I am a very ambitious person and I have had a lot of dreams to achieve all that I wanted from life was his support. I used to think that he loves me a lot and we will have a very happy life but the reality is LIFE IS HAPPY TILL HE IS DRINKING and I just nod my head for every yes he says. If I put forward my opinion then there are two possibilities either he will straightway say NO or he will counterattack with so many questions that we will end up in a fight. I feel so helpless somedays, and somedays I just make peace with life for how it is. My schedule is to Get up go to work and then go back home, watch him drinking and do all the household work cook, wash, clean, prep for the morning, and then an argumentative night. I don’t know how many sleepless nights I have spent because he comes asleep and snores straightway. We live in a one-bedroom house and I have no space to run away or sit in peace neither I want to trouble the relationship but I am done with the sufferings. I am suffering from anxiety, stress, and depression. I have started blaming myself for his habits and behavior. I am tired of crying and expressing myself in front of him, begging him not to drink every day, and all that he does is listen to it for a while and then give a fuck to it and start drinking every evening.

    I feel like I am going into the dark every day
    I have no moral support and no one to talk to
    If he will come to know that I am talking to some about this then he fights and make me feel like I am harming his social image.
    I want to learn, do some activities, study, work more but all that I am ending up in my time is just doing the household work after my job. I have no support at all. He doesn’t even pick up his drink and glass once he finishes in the night. When I go back home I clean the mess from the previous night and gives him a clean table to mess again. I am really tired of life. Life sucks when you’re living with an aimless person who has no ambition and is happy if he can earn enough to drink. I feel shameful going out in society as he is always the last one at the table just drinking.
    My work is suffering, I have severe migraines, I need proper sleep but no one gives a shit about it. I am tired of pushing him, helping him to float somehow and the truth is I am sinking myself. If I tell him that I am in pain, fever, or whatever all that he does is it ok, you will be alright. It’s not normal to have high blood pressure, anxiety, pain in the left arm and chest, severe migraines at the age of 30. I just want to quit, quit with life.

    Tired of crying, wiping my own tears, motivating myself, and then crying again when he makes sure that all my efforts are going in a shithole.

    Leaving him is not a solution, Is there is anything else I can do other than just dragging life like this or quit from life? My chest pain has started while writing this I hope you guys can understand how hard life is……

    • Mollymo 2 years ago

      Hey Justloveisnotenough.
      I am brand new to this site, I don’t know if I’m allowed to do this, but Al-Anon is a 12 step program for friends and family of alcoholics. Lots of Zoom groups these days, Google it maybe!
      I am sorry for your predicament.

    • Mrs D 3 years ago

      we absolutely can understand how hard life is.. and your situation sounds really tough – my heart goes out to you. I would highly recommend that you join our community (it’s an easy two-step process, you just put in your email and choose an anonymous username, then you’ll get an email confirmation with a link to confirm your membership, easy!).. once you are a member you get inside our Members Feed which is our community area where people talk to each other in kind, understanding and very non-judgemental ways. I think you’d really benefit from talking to people in there about your situation. Go well xx

    • Frances34 3 years ago

      Hey @loveisnotenough I am so sorry to read of all you are going through. Please hang in there. It sounds like you need some real support – perhaps your husband isn’t well placed to offer that to you right now but it is still so important. you are valuable. I’m not sure what country you are in, but Al-Anon is a really good place to start – it is for those who love/are in relationships with those with alcohol problems, and you should find a lot of people who can relate to your experience in those groups.

  27. Rhonda75 3 years ago

    I’ve been free of alcohol since January 1, 2021. It’s a great feeling but I’d be lying if I said it was easy. Because it is not….it’s summer here in Canada and I’m reminded of what the summer meant to me….it meant a cold drink usually beer after work and at the beach. Damn hard. I’m married to a man who I am now seeing in a different light, he continues to drink and I’m not knowing how I feel about that. I am now realizing that maybe all we had in common was the beers after work. Kids are grown up and don’t need us as much as if they were little so I know we are going through something now. I don’t think it’s fair for me to ask him to quit but is it fair to me to have to stay???? Anyways that’s my place at the moment. Thanks

  28. Mike 3 years ago

    Told myself again I have to stop drinking for good. Too many shameful nights, hangover after hangover. relationships failing. 53 years old, cant stop drinking. feel lousy all the time. This is day 4, this time. I am good for a couple of days and then the anxiety takes over. What am I going to do Sober, what does my life look like sober. My social life will be over. Yet I know I have to quit… I just cant figure out how to quit.

    • cgee 3 years ago

      HI Mike it was day 4 for you (2 months ago) and I’ve just read your post. It hit a nerve for me mate and am hoping that you have managed to continue.
      Its day 4 (again) for me also which is the classic make or break time for me then if successful day 8 then I can often do 14 days. I know that anxiety on Day 4 well .. and its the beginning of a feeling that I can only describe as a sort of loneliness or perhaps loss. I have family all around me however the friends I have are ALL involved in drinking and as we all enable each other I to have keep them at arms length and so suddenly there is space in that place. But more its as though a really dependable friend has been pushed away and thats alcohol itself and when it goes I realise the gap it must be filling as I feel emptied – if that makes sense. I know from my past abstinence’s that this impression dissolves to a far more random thing and that positive stuff – exercise, eating, reading much much walking etc help to slowly fill it and I guess ultimately new relationships form too but I also imagine that one becomes more comfortable with oneself – I experience fleeting moments of this and those feelings are fine.
      One thing Ive picked up in the booze lit I’ve been reading is to define yourself as a person ‘that doesn’t drink’ not as a person that is “giving up alcohol’ ie live as much as possible in this instant – the past has no bearing on right now, and the future is conceptual only – it’s right now that is. This also means if you haven’t managed to keep sober its ok because that was then – even if an hour ago – RIGHT NOW you are not a drinker, you can build on that.
      Its obvious from all of the posts on Living Sober that everyone posting has, without fail, tried and then had to try again often many times to be sober however its also obvious that by posting we all recognise this awful situation that we are living with and want change.

      • Grace09 2 years ago

        Thankyou Cgee, that is such a great comment – right now, I am not a drinker. Moving into day 4 & worried as it is a Thursday and I often can hang out ’til Thursdays……. hopefully this will be different! I am not a drinker. Goodluck to everyone on here – fabulous community.

      • Ckmot 2 years ago

        I like that live as , im not a drinker, thank you i will use that line xoxoxo

    • Maz57 3 years ago

      If you really want to take a break from alcohol, your Dr can prescribe you a medication (Disulfiram) to help you do that. You need to be sober for 3 days before you start taking it. Your Dr can assess whether you are suitable to take it or not. Once you are on it you cannot drink. How it helps is it give you a period of time to work through the underlying issues of your addiction. Once on the medication you immediately stop obsessing over having a drink because you know you can’t. It then provides you with time to notice/feel/experience how life is off the drinking treadmill. Read some of the recommended books in the resources section of this website, these books will provide you with additional motivation. Remember, alcohol is just a drug.

    • hrg4 3 years ago

      I keep resorting to alcohol to drown out my feelings, or feel included with all my friends and it’s caused so many problems in my relationship. I always blackout from over drinking and not knowing my limit.
      I want to stop but I feel like I’ll lose a lot of friends and be lonely and cave in and drink again 🙁

  29. MartinE39 3 years ago

    Day 3. You who have gone before me, when does it start to get easier. When does the “nothing to look forward to” feeling fade?

  30. dollsteak 3 years ago

    Never realized I had a problem…. Until……

  31. Atawhai 3 years ago

    Managing cravings. After 4pm, approaching 5pm, is the difficult time for me. Tired, hungry, feeling I need a lift up and feeling I deserve it.

    There are a number of things I find helpful.

    As soon as I start craving, I drink milk fresh from the fridge. As much as it takes. It feels cold on the throat, and reduces the hunger trigger.

    I keep in the freezer a variety of Watties’ frozen snacks, such as Shepherds Pie, Fish Pie, Sweet and Sour. They take 5 minutes to have ready, and they help the hunger. They are not enough to spoil a meal later.

    I make a big drink of Milo. The sugar and the comfort feeling that chocolate gives helps postpone the craving.

    If I can last until 7pm, the craving is rarely strong after that.

    Please can others advise what they do?

    Thank you

  32. Maggie73 3 years ago

    Thanks for this message. I’m out with my young son and his friend today. The sun is shining and I’m going to take your advice and live in the moment!

  33. Rlynn 3 years ago

    Sober now on day 2. I had three years and then caved so I am trying to work through issues. Dealing with emotions, past trauma etc. I am doing the Trauma and the 12 steps workbook by myself. Is that dumb? Not quite ready to be in a group and public. So here I am. I have been trying to moderate for 4 months now and it is not really working. I get 30 days and then go back for a few days. Rinse and repeat. I’m trying to change but I think I get scared of what upgrading my life means. I start to panic even when things are going well. Thanks for listening!

  34. Anonymous 3 years ago

    Today I woke up and I really really want to try to be sober this time. I had on and off periods of being sober and I guess I just realised that my drinking is starting to get slowly bad again…..I actually go to AA sometimes but havent had one of the miracle “lost the urge to drink experiences”…. I kind of realised in the night that maybe the reason I am drinking again is because I am just not managing my feelings and thoughts. I had an epiphany that if I put as much energy into looking after myself as I put into worrying about my relationship then maybe I’ll be okay.
    My relationship causes me so much pain and I thought what if I just stop putting energy into it for awhile and put my energy into sobriety and into surrounding myself with people who care about me.
    My boyfriends brother’s girlfriend has been causing a lot of pain for me and I dont know how to deal with it anymore. My friend said I need to block her out of my life completely. She is extremely rich and my boyfriend is unemployed and quite often she will pay him alot of money to do jobs for her around her house and get him to stay with her (four hours away) so we dont see each other much. my son and her son go to the same boarding school. She also does things like ring my partner in tears saying my son has been bullying her son – the school actually had to ring her and tell her to stop doing this as they did an investigation and found out he was not bullying him and that she’d made it up. This nearly destroyed my relationship with my partner as at first he believed her. I have been trying so hard to keep the peace I even wrote her a card saying I am so sorry if anything has ever upset her and I just want us to be friends but she didnt acknowledge it. I sort of realised I blame myself for others behaviour – I saw her at school yesterday and ended up sitting in my car crying about how she treats me and my son. Everyone else in my boyfriends family really really like me and so its hurtful for us all having her make this drama. I lie awake wondering why she does this and can only conclude she has feelings for my boyfriend herself which is why she is made up those things and gets him to stay with her and paying him lots of money to do odd jobs or she is jealous of me. Its my boyfriends childrens birthday next week and he said I was invited to the party (as well as to his dads birthday dinner) but I am terrified she’ll ring him and cause a drama to make me not be able to come. My boyfriend also causes me and my son pain – he regularly says he will come over and visit us or that we will do something then at the last minute he makes up an excuse……my son thinks of him like a step dad so its sad to see him cancel plans at the last minute. From weekend to weekend I never know if he’ll go through with the things he has said we will do together. Last week our plans got cancelled as she called him up there to so some work for her. I guess I have realised there will be more and more of this pain, so I need to try to stop thinking about them both and take all of the the energy I put into thinking about them into being sober. Plus I’d love to meet new people. The other day my friends invited me on a bushwalk and to an amazing cafe that was also an interior design shop but I was so hungover I couldnt enjoy it. Sometimes I also drink because my job is so boring – I guess boredom is a feeling too so I try to block out the boredom with alcohol. I feel gross at the moment – i feel like I need to wash my hair everyday but thats from the alcohol…… I know if I get through today I’ll feel better tomorrow and then the next day I will feel even better. …. my boyfriend drinks alot so I decided to tell him I am stopping alcohol to make my skin feel better as my eczema is flaring up as everytime in the past I tried to tell him I’m worried I drink too much he says that I dont and am just being too hard on myself.

  35. roadlesstravelled 3 years ago

    ok day one after a few drinks last night. I had done 30 days before this of no drinking and felt pretty good. Thought I would treat myself and had a few drinks over the month of Feb. Not very much but felt like I had let myself down a bit. So I am going to give this another go, because the little voice in my head is telling me that this is the right thing to do now.
    What has been difficult is the stripping back of “The why I drink”?” question and trying to work out what is now left in the space of used to be consumed by drink.

    I wonder has anyone else had that feeling post giving up for a bit – trying to piece together how fill in the time and space without pouring a glass of wine???

    • Liz West 3 years ago

      Hi Ive just started on this journey I guess youd call it Yes I know that feeling of emptiness. Actually its a physical feeling too of feeling quite down even though my minds telling me Im doing the right thing! Ah well Im going to hang in there see if it improves!

    • RunnerJ 3 years ago

      Hi @roadlesstravelled, I am at 7 months and struggling with the why I drink. Everything is so loud and in my face suddenly. The times where these things bothered me, I would reach for the wine, and not just one or two glasses – it always turned into the whole bottle and more. Ughhhh, this shit is hard – learning to be with me and the things that are still annoying – husband that talks too much, siblings that I am resentful of, elderly parents that I feel responsible for, signing up for another half marathon at my age 57, then feeling guilty for having no patience for my husband and parents and myself. Oh, poor me! Well, now that I have vented and put into words what I am feeling, I see it as part of the journey and I could just go with it, feel the feelings, grump it out and have some ice cream. I can relate to your stripping back the why I drink question. Thanks for posting, I needed to read it.

  36. Littlegem 3 years ago

    I’ve just joined living sober and have hit day 21 of being alcohol free. It was pretty easy to begin with, I’m home schooling, running and cycling lots but since yesterday, I feel really exhausted, having mood swings and feel like crying (it’s not hormones). I feel like I’m running out of distractions and the cravings have come back badly since yesterday. Wondering how long these feelings are going to last.

    • Peppa 2 years ago

      I feel exactly the same ! I am 28 days and don’t want to go back to drinking at all. I feel emotional, exhausted nd heavy. I’m just hanging in hoping it is just part of the journey . Take care let’s get there together 😊

    • Peppa 2 years ago

      I feel exactly the same ! I am 28 days and don’t want to go back to drinking at all. I feel emotional and flat and heavy. I’m just hanging in hoping it is just part of the journey . Take care let’s get there together 😊

    • AndreaInCanada 3 years ago

      Hello Littlegem, I see you made this post a month ago. 21 days is great! How are you doing now?

    • Jane 3 years ago

      Hi Littlegem , we must be on the same day. Day 1 Jan 1st ?
      I too feel sooo exhausted especially in the evening. I think I used to run on nervous energy all day just thinking about the drink that afternoon and then when I had a drink I would be able to keep going for longer.
      Also MAJOR cravings!! They are exhausting in them selves both Physically and Mentally!
      I’m not sure how long this will last but I have got this far and I know that drinking will in NO way help .
      Nobody regrets being Sober .
      Stay strong xx

  37. Arielbella 3 years ago

    So today was supposed to be day 1..it’s day 0.
    My husband is about to leave -he just told me.
    I am picking up prescription for Antabuse tomorrow.
    Husband said it’s a 50/50 success & just another excuse.
    What to do.
    I have been the picture perfect wife and mother for 20+ years.
    But now, I don’t know.
    He’s moving in to the spare room & extremely angry with me.

    • Andymuso 3 years ago

      Pick up the prescription wont help you need to take it and make your house maybe alcohol free zone for all friends and family i aint no councilor mate but dont push it to the last resort
      Care Andy

  38. Allie10 3 years ago

    Hi
    Day 4 for me…I am so wanting some wine but will stave off the cravings today. My biggest issue was/is wanting to drink at the end of the day using alcohol like it is the reward for a hard days work. I have become so accustomed to this. ( For decades) I also wouldn’t eat all day, liking the feeling of an empty stomach, having a glass of wine making dinner and then finishing the bottle with dinner.
    Now I eat by 4:00pm because if I am home and not at work, that is when I would start drinking. Once I finish eating I wouldn’t even think of drinking…does all this sound familiar to anyone else?

    • Buttercup406 3 years ago

      Yes. The end of the day wind-down. The end of a busy day reward. The really nice day bonus. The really bad day solace. Celebrating time with friends. Consolation when lonely. It’s that time for me now, and that is why I joined this group. To find those folks who know how this feels and find a little support to push past that empty hour or two and find my way through the day without a drink. So I can settle in for a good night’s rest, check off my “Sober” count, and know that in the morning, my head will be clear, I will have no shame, I will not be bloated and puffy, and I can start a new day with confidence and resolve.

  39. Ataroa 3 years ago

    This is my first time even attempting to try n stop drinking. I have been drinking since i was 10 and i am now nearly 40 😔 I cant handle my stress i run straight to alcohol. As of lasnight i was drunk due to arguing with my partner. I want to better myself but im scared. I know i need help. Its ruining my life!

    • speedy1970 3 years ago

      I am 50 and started drinking around age 16. I have tried several times to quit but nothing has worked long term. Annie Grace’s 30 day alcohol experiment DID work for me. But of course after that 30 days I “rewarded myself” with a drink. It did make me so much more aware of what I was doing to myself though. I have become much more observant of my own behaviors. I would highly recommend that you look into the program.

  40. alyoop 3 years ago

    4 days back af,am having trouble keeping out of the blues,drive somewhere only to feel anxiety,Nd drive somewhere else,cant handle the mind chatter and lack of focus,even going to the local 4 square is an energy stealing event,dont feel wellcome in the community,trying to be aware that this is part pf being sober,thanks all

    • SarahD 3 years ago

      Hey how are you doing?

  41. KLynn 3 years ago

    Hi, this is my very first post and just joined today. Today is 17 days for me, I have been reading lots of resources and talking to the support I have in place, I am really struggling with the anxiety (really really bad health anxiety). Does anyone else suffer health anxiety, and if so how do you get past it, I feel very scared and lonely.

    • momoftwoboys1219 3 years ago

      I’m replying to you well after you posted so hopefully your health anxiety has passed but if not YES I get health anxiety for sure. My sister and I both had breast cancer. Wow I never tell anyone that but here it’s all confidential so feels good to say. She had a double mastectomy and chemo/radiation. Me I had a lumpectomy and radiation. My diagnosis was two years ago. I rarely drank after until I was in lockdown and then all my old habits of a bottle of wine at night were back. For all the excuses it doesn’t matter why because then I started feeling terrified the cancer would come back. Yet it wasn’t till 3 days ago that I finally got my head out of the muck and said enough. This is helping the anxiety begin to subside. Hoping you are well and getting the support you need.

    • Nitanoo72 3 years ago

      Hi, really sorry to hear you’re suffering. You’re bound to feel a lot of anxiety as your body gets used to living without alcohol. You not only dealing with physiological effects , theres the psychological and emotional side too. Alcohol has probably been your best friend for a long time, so you are trying to adjust to life without it. You may find talking with your Doctor beneficial as they can direct you probably better than I can. Just hang in there you’re doing great!!

  42. Peacewm 4 years ago

    Nine days today.Lot’s of changes in the last year and then N.Y shut down.No church,no Gym,no seeing family etc.etc.I have a heavy heart because my daughter has blocked me out of here life and I haven’t seen my granddaughters in months,but feels like years.I pretty sure that was the last straw for me and I didn’t want to feel.I put my situation in perspective,now I’ve got to get me back.I like being numb,but the cost after the drinking isn’t worth it. I’m going to give this support group a try.I’m really sick of AA.I have been going to aa since my early 20’sand I need something different now.

    • Peacewm 4 years ago

      oops 10

  43. Peacewm 4 years ago

    10 days sober

  44. mollmcc92 4 years ago

    Been drinking four bottles of wine a night and ruined a lot in my life. Yesterday I finally went to my doctor and accepted the help he’s been offering me for the last four years. Got the script for Antabuse but I can’t seem to bring myself to take that first pill. Many fears and emotions are stopping me. I keep saying ok I’ll take it after breakfast then I talk myself out of it. The thought of ending this toxic relationship with wine is worse than ending a normal relationship! Is this feeling normal?

    • Sunshinydays 4 years ago

      Absolutely normal. You are about to change your whole life! Feel the fear and do it anyway. Not drinking is hard but it is easier than drinking.

    • Emmjay 4 years ago

      It’s totally normal – and you’re not alone. Alcohol was always ‘there’ for me and easy to procure. I didn’t have to share my feelings with the bottle, it didn’t judge me and made everything feel all right. Even when I lost my job because of alcohol, it was still there for me. I currently working through the grief process – what I have lost because of alcohol, my 30 year relationship with alcohol. We’re all here to support you

    • Lovenlight 4 years ago

      @mollmcc92 in the beginning for me it was like losing a friend but that friend was really a backstabbing enemy. I think it’s so normal. Congratulations for taking the first step and talking to your GP. Antibuse doesn’t make you feel anything – unless you drink alcohol then your face gets red and you get nauseous and throw up. I am sure you will get some wonderful advice on your feelings here.

  45. forever.me.NOW 4 years ago

    Hi nscott. I did too! Today is day 10 of not having any wine. I am struggling to keep it that way. You are not alone. I’m only new to all this – but the people here are super nice, supportive and kind. They are generous with their advice and understand. Hang in there. One day at a time. I had an appointment today at the hospital and afterwards thought I would pop up to the neonatal intensive care ward as there is a little neonatal trust shop there that sells knitting and quilts for babies. My hairdresser is having a baby in a few months and I wanted to buy her a gift. Our two daughters (now 8 and almost 7) were both sick babies – the older one more than the younger – and I spent many distressing months in NICU watching as my tiny baby struggled to breathe and live. It was 18 months of pure hell. She was so sick. We flew to starship many times for various surgeries and she has a nasogastric feeding tube constantly until 18 months old. At the time we Simply surviving by the skin of our teeth and just got through. I never had a chance to process it or deal with the chronic trauma of the experience. Today standing in NICU I was flooded with memories, emotions, sadness. I had to race out, find a family room and suddenly the flood gates opened! It’s like I cried 8 years worth of tears. Tears and snot. Sobbing and gasping and shaking like a leaf. 8 years of drinking to numb it and dumb it down has managed to keep this well buried. But those gates opened and I can barely close them. I keep thinking of Lotta’s book and reminding myself of her journey. I’m trying to just breathe and be with the sadness and raw emotions – but the temptation to have a wine is like a physical pain.

  46. nscott 4 years ago

    I joined living sober yesterday. I have gotten a lot of encouragement from the different post, but as I type this I want to go to the liquor store. My victories over the last couple of days have been 1. Having one sober day, 2. Nit drinking in the morning at all, and 3. Having wine yesterday and not straight vodka shots. Not sure what to do.

    • alyoop 3 years ago

      hi elft,i know exactly how you are feeling ,its scary,and you feel like you are losing your mind but i do beleive this is part of hardening us up to cope ,it is a prosess and most important ,you have opened the door .be kind to you.x

  47. ELFT 4 years ago

    I’ve hidden Myself in books on sobriety
    I am not a book worm
    Been overwhelmed with responsibility then
    Defended my actions
    Lied to those I love
    Made many a social disgrace of myself
    Admitted I’m an alcoholic
    Clung to to wagon with all my heart
    Picked myself up when I’ve fallen off
    I am still here, willing and desperate

    • Jojogo 4 years ago

      @ELTF you are not alone – many, many of us have trodden this path. Just wanted to say you are on the right track – finding more knowledge about that mfer alcohol, being honest with yourself and picking yourself up. Here’s to a sober today today, together.
      Keep posting, you are safe here.

  48. bkohler 4 years ago

    I have been vodka free for just over 3 weeks, This in not even close to how long i have gone in the past but here and there I have a slip up. I look to vodka for any situation I have going on in my life. Happy sad birthday funeral anniversary hard day at work fighting with my spouse. I wish i had healthier coping mechanisms but that is why I am here I am trying to learn, It seems everyone around me has healthy relationships with drinking and I always go overboard and can never just have one drink. It has caused me many relationships, ans many problems in my marriage. Today is my birthday and i would be lying if i said i wasnt thinking about having a few drinks,

  49. Feisty52 4 years ago

    Some days clean sheets, a cup of tea and bed is the only safe space to be.
    That is ok. Tomorrow is another day.

  50. Charleigh62 4 years ago

    Trying to gain sobriety but failing. At wits end!

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