A lot of the time I’m just chugging on in my sober life feeling fair-to-middling. Worrying about how much I’m eating, how little I’m exercising, whether I’m being a patient enough mother or a loving enough wife or a supportive enough daughter, sister and friend. No great highs or great lows.. just ordinary day-in-day-out stuff.
Everything is normal … I’m happy begin sober … I love my online recovery world … I’m striving to be healthy and a good person … I’m just chugging along through the weeks …
Then some shit comes along like someone I love dies or someone is mean or thoughtless or a few aspects of the daily grind are harder than usual (like the kids get sick or I’ve over-booked myself and gotten exhausted) … and I hit more of a LOW.
I get more glum, everything just feels a bit flat and no fun, it’s hard to think positively about anything much, every tiny problem I encounter makes me feel like the world is against me, I’m just in a funk. In these times I tend to listen to more Tara Brach or Dr Dan Siegel, look more closely at the clouds or the flowers (hippy me), concentrate more on the inspirational quotes that come up on my Instagram, Facebook or Twitter feeds, and pause often to close my eyes and breath deeply and listen to the sounds around me (i.e. try to ground myself and stop my brain from racing away with busy, fraught thoughts).
And then one particular saying or quote I spot, or one bit of audio I listen to will give me a surge of fire again. It will just hit the sweet spot in my brain and I’ll fire up again. The positive/powerful/motivated/brave/awesome part of me is back! I know this sounds arrogant but ALL OF YOU have his fire inside. Your fire. Your bravery. Your positivity. Your motivation. Your sheer fucking awesomeness.
And I’ll get a big lift all of a sudden, almost like a surge of endorphins. And my thoughts start going like this….
THIS IS MY ONE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DON’T WANT TO WASTE IT FEELING NEGATIVE OR GROUND DOWN!!!!!!!
I WANT TO LIVE IT THE BEST THAT I CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HATERS GOING TO HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE (to quote Taylor Swift) AND I CAN’T LET THEM STOP ME!!!!!!!!
I WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!!! I WANT TO BE FREE!!!!!!!!
I’M SOBER AND I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!
And I see these thoughts like they are written down on paper. I am super-aware of them (just as I was super-aware of the ‘the world is out to get me’ thoughts of the glum phase) and I’ll appreciate them fully.
Sometimes the fire within feels like a sad little candle that is about to be extinguished.. but it never, ever, ever goes out. All we need to do is keep looking for the spark to reignite it.
Love, Mrs D xxx