The Fire Within…

A lot of the time I’m just chugging on in my sober life feeling fair-to-middling. Worrying about how much I’m eating, how little I’m exercising, whether I’m being a patient enough mother or a loving enough wife or a supportive enough daughter, sister and friend. No great highs or great lows.. just ordinary day-in-day-out stuff.

Everything is normal … I’m happy begin sober … I love my online recovery world … I’m striving to be healthy and a good person … I’m just chugging along through the weeks …

Then some shit comes along like someone I love dies or someone is mean or thoughtless or a few aspects of the daily grind are harder than usual (like the kids get sick or I’ve over-booked myself and gotten exhausted) … and I hit more of a LOW.

I get more glum, everything just feels a bit flat and no fun, it’s hard to think positively about anything much, every tiny problem I encounter makes me feel like the world is against me, I’m just in a funk. In these times I tend to listen to more Tara Brach or Dr Dan Siegel, look more closely at the clouds or the flowers (hippy me), concentrate more on the inspirational quotes that come up on my Instagram, Facebook or Twitter feeds, and pause often to close my eyes and breath deeply and listen to the sounds around me (i.e. try to ground myself and stop my brain from racing away with busy, fraught thoughts).

And then one particular saying or quote I spot, or one bit of audio I listen to will give me a surge of fire again. It will just hit the sweet spot in my brain and I’ll fire up again. The positive/powerful/motivated/brave/awesome part of me is back! I know this sounds arrogant but ALL OF YOU have his fire inside. Your fire. Your bravery. Your positivity. Your motivation. Your sheer fucking awesomeness.

And I’ll get a big lift all of a sudden, almost like a surge of endorphins. And my thoughts start going like this….

THIS IS MY ONE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DON’T WANT TO WASTE IT FEELING NEGATIVE OR GROUND DOWN!!!!!!!

I WANT TO LIVE IT THE BEST THAT I CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HATERS GOING TO HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE (to quote Taylor Swift) AND I CAN’T LET THEM STOP ME!!!!!!!!

I WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!!!!!! I WANT TO BE FREE!!!!!!!!

I’M SOBER AND I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!

And I see these thoughts like they are written down on paper. I am super-aware of them (just as I was super-aware of the ‘the world is out to get me’ thoughts of the glum phase) and I’ll appreciate them fully.

Sometimes the fire within feels like a sad little candle that is about to be extinguished.. but it never, ever, ever goes out. All we need to do is keep looking for the spark to reignite it.

Love, Mrs D xxx

12 Comments
  1. Anonymous 6 years ago

    I keep it basic on low days, I’m alive, I’m sober, and most days, life is great. No matter what bad things happen, I’m still alive and sober, it doesn’t get much better than that for me.

  2. Twinkle 6 years ago

    I like this theme “chugging along”. I wonder if it’s post New Years blues. We all seem to expect so much of ourselves, I ask if that that stems from an over-exposure to “we are all fucking rockstar’s and can do anything ” quotes on social media. don’t get me wrong, though, I love a good inspirational quote. I just wonder what’s wrong with not feeling like setting the world on fire. I think our inner fire/desire/passion, call it what you may, is like a fire. Somedays, it is burning strong and bright, but if not carefully controlled can burn the house down. My drinking was a bit like that. Always on the brink of causing major damage, but somehow being alluring and daring at the same time. More often now my inner fire is like a small candle in a blackout, it’s teeny tiny but can it can brighten the room & make me feel safe. So, a fire is a fire, big or small, what’s important, is that we don’t put it out by throwing booze on it. Like the egg analogy, we need to protect and feed our inner fires. I love to read what people do to make them feel good, whether it’s listening to a podcast, taking a bath, calling a friend or writing a blog. I’d like to give you all virtual gold stars, for doing the one thing that is more important than anything else, and that’s not drinking. 187 days today, I had to use the calculator to work out that is 6.23 months. Happy chugging along days. And may your fires keep burning. Xx

  3. Prozac 6 years ago

    I love the Russell Brand doco and the work being done by that recovering alcoholic in Birmingham is inspirational.One thing that I worry about,as a mental health nurse, is the increasing strength of cannabis and the potential it has for tipping someone into a drug induced psychotic episode .i see so many young people in such states and sadly it can lead to a diagnosis of Schizophrenia.Of course they may have been using cannabis to reduce already emerging symptoms.And one psychotic episode doesnt necessarily mean a lifetime of mental illness.But at 15 the young brain does not have the foresight to make grounded decisions,they tend to be impulsive and pleasure seeking..So where does that leave us re protecting them from drugs?We can educate them to the hilt but they will still want to experiment.I guess the same goes for alcohol,coming from a long line of alcoholics,I so want to protect my kids from the disease but theres no way I can stop them from drinking,peer pressure is too strong.I suppose the difference is that I started drinking to self medicate from a painful childhood.My own children have a far happier childhood ,protected from the kind of abuse I endured.I was determined to stop the cycle.And Ive been the first alcoholic in my family to go into recovery,not once but again and again because I fall down and then i get up.Because if I dont get up,Im screwed.

  4. Rosieoutlook 6 years ago

    Quick way to stop worrying is to live in the ‘Now’
    Must keep remembering this. Xx

  5. gabbygirl14 6 years ago

    @Mrs D I could not agree with you more. I have been in a “LOW” since Friday. Kids suck, husband sucks, messy house, Christmas decorations still to put away blah blah blah… and yes it makes me feel like poo (isn’t that a mature word for a 52 year old to use). So I hide in my “condo” that is what I call my bedroom to escape it all and I watch my favorite shows… SVU, Modern Family, The Big Bang Theory and I log onto my sober blogs and of course your website searching for something to help me “SNAP” out of it. So last night they were calling for snow. Eveyone thought there would be a 2 hour delay today. Well guess what… the kids went to school on time. YEAH for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was what snapped me out of it. Then I took my son to the doctor and the receptionist said we would have to reschedule our appointment unless I could print our new temporary insurance card. I calmly told her the existing one would still work (which was not entirely the truth because the numbers had changed) but then the other receptionist said “I am on the Aetna website let me print it for you.” YEAH again for me!!!!!!!!! Then I drive to work and my bosses call in to say they won’t be in until later because of the snow (they live in a little town that always closes when there is snow)… and again YEAH for me (more time to be on your website). So I have no idea what makes me “snap out of it” but what I need to always remember is that “this too shall pass.” The low is not going to last forever and the most important thing is DRINKING is not going to make the low feel better. If anything it will make it feel worse!!!! And I will be darned if I am going to reset my counter to one when I have made it to Sober Day 79. And one last thought. When wolfie was screaming at me Saturday to go buy some beer (because I deserved it because I felt shitty) I called my friend who has been sober for 7 years. She was wonderful and talked me off the ledge. So when we get in that “FUNK” we need to call someone, or take a nice bath, or watch our favorite tv show, or give our dogs a walk, or get on this website because “this too shall pass.” And a quote from Paulo Coelho “Imagine a new story for your life and start living it.” Thank you Mrs. D you always post exactly how I feel!

  6. soberlynn 6 years ago

    Thank you! Thank you for putting some of the thoughts in my head into words. The thoughts fly around sometimes and it’s hard to hold on to them but I can keep going back to your posts. Helps me feel grounded in a way.

  7. Zentient 6 years ago

    Here’s a great quote from Albert Schweitzer
    “At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from
    another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep
    gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”

  8. AEG 6 years ago

    Must be something in the wind, air or moonlight…but I’ve been feeling the same!! So I blogged about trying to turn it round this morning: https://annasmartnz.wordpress.com/2015/01/04/perpectacles/

    I also tuned in to Tara Brach tonight – about 24 hours later than I should have really. I must remember to put her further up my sober first aid kit and use her as a first port of call!!

    • Prozac 6 years ago

      Yes,AEG, Tara Branch is great to listen to,she has a very calm way about her and can crack a good joke too!

    • Rosieoutlook 6 years ago

      Perspectacles! Love it. So true! Love our blessings,NOW. I totally agree

  9. Watergirl 6 years ago

    Yes @Mrs-D, I can definitely relate to this. Sometimes something so small can stir up that fire within, I have noticed this quite significantly now that I am sober, I guess it was numbed by the booze as well. It’s a bloody good thing to be aware of on those glum days, like you, I listen to Tarah, also Ted talks, inspirational material that continuously feeds into my facebook, pick up one of my self help books or even go out and just say hello to someone in the street, amazing how that can change your thought pattern, and alas the fire within burns again…….. 🙂 xx

  10. Jules 6 years ago

    So so very true. I love this.

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