My ugly recovery…

Sometimes my recovery is extremely ugly.

Sometimes my recovery involves tears, yelling, feeling low or inadequate, self-destructive thoughts, grumpiness, a sense of despair, and hopelessness.

Sometimes my recovery involves far too much chocolate, lollies and ginger crunch, a lot of toast with butter, big mugs of milky decaf instant coffee, numerous mini bags of chippies, and crumpets.

Sometimes my recovery involves hibernating, retreating, isolating, and attempting to become very insular.

Sometimes my recovery is ugly.

And sometimes it’s not. Sometimes my recovery is reasonably attractive. Most of the time actually. Most of the time I manage to keep my thoughts on an even keel, keep my diet on an even keel, and keep my sociability on an even keel.

(Very rarely would I describe my recovery as being devastatingly gorgeous displaying exceptional moods, diet & sociability. Maybe for the odd day here and there I achieve perfection, but not often!)

Isn’t it this way for everyone? I’m sure I’m no more clever or terrible than anyone else. Everyone in the world – even those not in recovery from addiction – must have days when they’re moody as hell and tearful, or days when they eat crap and turn down invitations, or days when they feel low and full of despair. Tell me I’m wrong?

It’s just bullshit to pretend that things are peachy 100% of the time. They’re not. Sometimes things aren’t pretty at all. Sometimes they’re downright ugly.

And I’m ok with that.

Love, Mrs D xxx

 

17 Comments
  1. janus 5 years ago

    Excellent! This is what we all go through. Love it

  2. elhall 5 years ago

    What a perfect post, Mrs. D. Been having some really ugly days. I feel like my life was a puzzle put together that has now been flung on the floor with pieces everywhere. My sister said that’s because some of the pieces didn’t really fit. So true.

  3. Meg 5 years ago

    Ah Mrs D, just when I’m feeling blue and down in my journey, you take the feelings out of my heart and make them real and okay to be feeling. My husband is away for a week and I feel frumpy and slobby and like I have simply replaced wine with chocolate. Massive trigger being on my own, oh how I want a big glass of red but instead I’ll have a hot cup of milo, a stupid film on tv and the comfort of knowing that I’m not on my own in my struggles. Happy Easter Mrs D xx

  4. QuietlyDone 5 years ago

    Ugly, you betcha, some days my recovery is uglier than an inbred orangutan. Demanding sweets and pajamas and not playing well with others. But, I will take each and every ugly sober day, warts and all, above my very prettiest day drinking!

  5. thirstystill 5 years ago

    Thanks for this post, Mrs D! What a relief to hear this! Sometimes the recovery world sounds like everyone is awash in tea and loveliness, and I find that so alienating because it’s sure not my experience. I think all-around loveliness is probably an illusion anyway, and to feel that way would mean being in some altered drunk-like state, even without booze. I’ve been contemplating rage and anger lately which I have a good bit of and which I think are probably important to me, but it feels a bit lonely to do so when it seems everyone else is in full-time cheery mode. Thanks for your timely post. That said, I hope you are enjoying your family holiday and it’s anything but ugly for you! xo

  6. KAM 5 years ago

    Damn right @MrsD….damn right!

  7. grannie 5 years ago

    Just finished a big bowl of cauliflower with heaps of cream cheese in it .. A weight watchers bar … Atkins bar a bag of gluten free marshmallows and now feeling not so ugly. Love love love your honesty and truth I so needed this post. Will stop beating myself up now as I an normal as we all are. Thank god for people like us all individuals going through the same shit different day.

  8. Mac007 5 years ago

    I completely relate with this @Mrs-D ………I myself do try to look at things in a positive way, no matter how hard it gets. Yes, at times you think “shit , why the fuck is she so positive ? I want to put my finger down my throat and be sick!!!! ” I would join you, but I have decided I have been sick too many times in my life!!!
    We wouldn’t be human if we were too bloody perfect!
    Recovery is a rediscovery and an uncovering of many layers of ourselves and reveals many many emotions.
    Emotions not now dulled by shit alcohol and at times the anger rages, the frustration confuses, the temptation screams in your head driving you crazy beyond belief!
    This is not fair and I want to rebel. Triggers shoot poisons tipped bullets at my head, smashing through the sober barriers I have put in place to defend this sniper.
    At times I sit feeling sad, like I have lost a best friend. Then, as I sit there, my mind remembers its retraining technics that I have worked on for a while now and I let this ugliness pass through my veins until it has made its way through my body like a rippling after shock.
    It passes. It will happen again. It will pass through again. And each time, it will make less cracks for me to fix.
    We aren’t super humans with special powers because we have given up drinking.
    We deal with the emotions every day good and bad.
    We are super sober humans with the power to be special to ourselves.
    Not perfect, but not a perfect drunk, ugly at times but fucken beautifully sober, scared and angry but not alone and now free . It is all OK , i agree, its our recovery. Its our freedom. xx

    • janus 5 years ago

      Omg I love you

  9. hummingbird 5 years ago

    thanks for keeping it real Mrs D, life is not a photoshopped perfect image. I feel a connection when people speak the truth

  10. Tryingagain2505 5 years ago

    Very timely post – I am very ugly at the moment & just a hair’s breath from just saying F-it …….. I really struggle with coping with emotions right now & I feel I have totally isolated myself from friends & family 🙁

    • Meggie2 5 years ago

      Oh my dear, so do I. Wish I could give you a real instead of a virtual hug. xxx

    • JenJen 5 years ago

      Tryingagain2025, I know where you are at right now. When we get sober I think we have this illusion that everything is gong to be perfect. We find out that it is far from the truth because we have to face our problems sober and that is a very raw feeling. I am only 16 days sober on my second time trying and I have been a emotional, blubbering mess. I do go to meetings and sit there and cry but I would not trade those tears for a drink at all. I understand where you are coming from when you say you have isolated yourself, I feel like I am doing the same thing but I do think it may be for my own good right now until I get my head straight and don’t pick up that drink. Hang in there!!

  11. Scared 5 years ago

    So darn accurate once again Mrs D. Love it. Thank you.

  12. madandsad 5 years ago

    Amen to all of that Mrs D, absolutely in agreement with you there. In fact, I’m glad to hear it! I thought I was an oddball, turns out I’m not so odd after all 😉

  13. pinky 5 years ago

    Ugly? Sometimes my recovery is a green eyed bitch! Like I’m jealous of everyone else who’s sober and endlessly cheerful about it. I envy people who ‘get to drink’, when I cannot. And let’s not forget jealousy’s BFF resentment, an equally ugly character in my recovery hood. I resent my friends who continue to drink more than they should, and the normal folks who could care less if they drink at all. I resent my husband for not understanding what I’m going through, and I resent my Dad who’s also an alcoholic, because when I’m really feeling my recovery bitch, I blame him for my shit. Phew, I feel better now. Thanks Mrs. D., for being your fabulous, human, self.

  14. one2many 5 years ago

    Yes, my recovery is ugly too. Today in fact was pretty ugly. I was just not in a good mood and did a good job making sure my wife and kids knew it. Nothing major just the little things that I typically wouldn’t let get to me did. I soon found myself realizing that in the past Easter weekend would have been another good reason to drink. Weren’t all holidays.? Haha… I had mixed emotions once I thought this through, one of happiness that I am not drinking and the other of frustration that I couldn’t drink.. to most that may sound strange but to an alcoholic it makes perfect sense and it was the vicious cycle that I was caught in today. So yea today is ugly, tonight I’m sober though and ugly or not that is what matters most.. take care Mrs D, thanks for your words and for keeping it real.

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published.

Licensed by NZ Drug Foundation under Creative Commons 4.0 2020. Built by Bamboo Creative and powered by Flywheel.

Forgot your details?

Create Account