My ugly recovery…

messy pencil head

Sometimes my recovery is extremely ugly.

Sometimes my recovery involves tears, yelling, feeling low or inadequate, self-destructive thoughts, grumpiness, a sense of despair, and hopelessness.

Sometimes my recovery involves gobbling on chocolate, ruminating for hours, hating on myself, and feeling hard done by.

Sometimes my recovery involves hibernating, retreating, isolating, and becoming very insular.

Sometimes my recovery is ugly.

And sometimes it's not. Sometimes my recovery is reasonably attractive. Most of the time actually. Most of the time I manage to keep my thoughts on an even keel, my mood on an even keel, and keep my sociability on an even keel.

(Very rarely would I describe my recovery as being devastatingly gorgeous displaying exceptional thoughts, moods, & sociability. Maybe for the odd day here and there I achieve perfection, but not often!)

Isn't it this way for everyone? I'm sure I'm no more clever or terrible than anyone else. Everyone in the world - even those not in recovery from addiction - must have days when they're moody as hell and tearful, or days when they eat crap and turn down invitations, or days when they feel low and full of despair. Tell me I'm wrong?

It's just bullshit to pretend that things are peachy 100% of the time. They're not. Sometimes things aren't pretty at all. Sometimes they're downright ugly.

And I'm ok with that.

Love, Mrs D xxx


  1. teresalucy 2 years ago

    Thanks so much for this post Mrs D. Really helpful. This time around my road to sobriety is just as you say .. “downright ugly” … and I was starting to think “I am the only one feeling like this?”, “Where the hell is that ‘pink cloud’ others talk about?” I only seem to have storm clouds overhead. Your post made me think that the issues that surround me now would have come anyway, regardless of whether I was drinking or not. The problem is facing them in my new “raw” state rather than burying them under alcohol. I need to learn how to do this, how to find other ways rather than reaching for the wine bottle. This site is helping me so much that. Thank you.

  2. Benjamin 2 years ago

    You ain’t wrong I’m totally all that, thank you a excellent post

  3. sibby 2 years ago

    Boy did I need to read that. My brain has suddenly switched gears from pretty happy and hopeful human to absolute heinous assassin! Suddenly my guts are full of twisting nerves and I’m falling off the tightrope.
    Just thought after a too much heavy thinking not to take myself so seriously, be human, let these thoughts pass and take a breath. Progress not bloody perfection! No wonder my brain splits in two. No pain, no gain, literally.

  4. Irongirl27 2 years ago

    Mrs. D, I understand all that. I find myself wondering . . . I can substitute “life” for “my recovery” as I read your post, and it makes perfect sense to me. So I’m wondering how you differentiate. I mean, how do you know to attribute all these ups and downs to recovery and not to life in general? I ask because I’m really wondering if 10 years from now my life without alcohol (assuming I’m successful in staying off the booze that long) will be any different from how it would have been if I’d never had an alcohol problem at all. There’s no doubt it will be different from how it would be if I continued to drink, of course. Thank you for sharing your continued insights.

    • pinchie 2 years ago

      I had the same thought @irongirl27!

      Great post Mrs d, and yes, I think this is life. It ain’t as peachy as some people (& social media sites) would lead us to believe 😊

      I’ll take the great, the not-so-great, and the downright ugly all sober thanks x

  5. justjo 2 years ago

    Isn’t this the absolute truth?! No pink clouds for me, that’s for sure. But I’ll tell you what. My ugliest days without alcohol are still much better than my days with it. So, for me, I’m moving on up!

  6. Winner 2 years ago

    So true @mrs-d , very well said . Although will be four years continuous sobriety on 12 august life dishes up some shit Sammie’s along the way . Some things I handle well others I just don’t . However , I’m bloody happy that the not handled so well has not involved alcohol ! Crap food choices yep , chocolate yep , am I concerned about that ? Nope 😂

  7. Mari135 2 years ago

    Thanks heaps for sharing! I took a picture to remember and carry it with me. xoxo Made me feel way less alone right now.

  8. freedom1025 2 years ago

    So very true. Accepting the ugliness is ok. It allows room to appreciate the beauty.

  9. Starlight 2 years ago

    Indeed. You’ve just described life. In recover or not in recovery. It ain’t all moonlight & roses that’s for sure.

  10. nomoremimosas 2 years ago

    Yes! Sometimes this past week I have felt the day is not ugly enough. Like if this seems too easy I will go back to drinking, believing I wasn’t that bad and I can just do it in moderation. The hardest thing right now is not abstaining but continuing to remind myself this was a big problem and it was out of control and I DO need to continue not even having one drink..because it was never just one. Remembering my history each day is ugly for me.

    • Byrdie1 2 years ago

      @nomoremimosas Yes!! This is what gets me into trouble!!! Thankfully, I didn’t experience some of the worst things people here have experienced, so those thoughts of, maybe just one, pop into my head. I hope that I can withstand those thoughts this time because my drinking was absolutely a problem.

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