Sometimes my recovery is extremely ugly.
Sometimes my recovery involves tears, yelling, feeling low or inadequate, self-destructive thoughts, grumpiness, a sense of despair, and hopelessness.
Sometimes my recovery involves gobbling on chocolate, ruminating for hours, hating on myself, and feeling hard done by.
Sometimes my recovery involves hibernating, retreating, isolating, and becoming very insular.
Sometimes my recovery is ugly.
And sometimes it's not. Sometimes my recovery is reasonably attractive. Most of the time actually. Most of the time I manage to keep my thoughts on an even keel, my mood on an even keel, and keep my sociability on an even keel.
(Very rarely would I describe my recovery as being devastatingly gorgeous displaying exceptional thoughts, moods, & sociability. Maybe for the odd day here and there I achieve perfection, but not often!)
Isn't it this way for everyone? I'm sure I'm no more clever or terrible than anyone else. Everyone in the world - even those not in recovery from addiction - must have days when they're moody as hell and tearful, or days when they eat crap and turn down invitations, or days when they feel low and full of despair. Tell me I'm wrong?
It's just bullshit to pretend that things are peachy 100% of the time. They're not. Sometimes things aren't pretty at all. Sometimes they're downright ugly.
And I'm ok with that.
Love, Mrs D xxx