There’s so much talk in sobriety about us all learning to take care of ourselves (so often a foreign concept to us boozers), be kind to ourselves, nurture ourselves.
And I do that a lot, I look after myself and try to do things just right all the time but still fall into ‘lazy’ and ‘bad’ phases where I do everything ‘wrong’. And when I do I have this nasty inner critic who drops in constant little sly judgements. I get caught in this inner-thinking-loop where I try to justify myself to myself and yet beat myself up at the same time
I go to yoga once a week! Yes but you drive there and back and those other women who live close by walk. You might be yoga-ing but you’re still fundamentally lazy.
I walk the dog almost every day! Yeah but they’re bloody short walks.
But he’s still a puppy! You’re still lazy.
Look at my bedside table – it’s overflowing with stimulating reading material! Yeah but you never touch any of it. You spend too much time watching crap TV and checking your online sites.
I don’t drink alcohol or coffee or black tea! Granted you are on top of your liquids, but when it comes to food you’re a shocker.
A little bit of sugar is ok! Other people manage to remove it completely so you should be able to too.
I try to eat healthily! No you don’t. Yesterday you just had bread and butter all day, apple crumble with whipped cream for dinner and then a buttered chocolate chip muffin for puddding.
I make green juices! Hardly ever.
I work hard, I parent hard, I do lots of things right. Yeah but you’re failing yourself in so many areas. You still don’t nourish yourself (body and spirit) as well as you could.
I’m sick to fucking death of my inner critic. I wish I didn’t care so much that I am sometimes lazy with my personal habits and food choices.
But then I think – it’s that critical inner voice that got me sober. That critical inner voice wouldn’t shut up about my drinking being dysfunctional and eventually got me to stop boozing.
I just wish sometimes she’d rest and cut me some slack. Or maybe I don’t. Maybe I should be grateful to that wise part of me that keeps prodding when I’m settling into habits that aren’t actually going to make me happy. Maybe I should appreciate when she starts bleating loudly as it eventually gets me to start trying to be ‘good’ again.
But it’s bloody hard staying perfect all the time. Just ask brilliant columnist Deborah Hill Cone.
I don’t know what the answer for me is. I suspect I will keep lurching in and out of ‘bad’ phases where I get lazy and make naughty choices. Maybe over time I’ll stop falling into the hole and will go around it instead. Here’s hoping.
After all, I am only human.
Love, Mrs D xxx