I guess the bare bones facts are the way to go...I am a middle aged mother of one with a long history of addiction, alcohol being my drug of choice. After years of hardcore drinking brought Child Protection Services to my door I went cold turkey and stayed sober for just over 25 years.Throughout this sober period my husband who has his own addiction issues continued to drink and sober up periodically.About three years ago I began casually drinking with my husband again and this devolved into the two of us drinking to excess on a nightly basis. He declared enough and has been sober now for 18 months. Me not so much.it's sporadic, I don't drink on a daily or a weekly basis even, but do seek it out when available and have more than once snuck small amounts of alcohol into the house to consume after my very evangellically sober husband has gone to bed.this past week under mounting work pressure, dealing with my aging mothers failing health, the finanial stress of my husbands year long unemployment etc etc, I went one worse. I brought home a pint, proceeded to get shit faced, and found out in the middle of the night resulting in a resounding row with my husband.I haven't had a drink since but if one were put in front of me I'd likely take it and try to tell myself it would only be one, when I know better.I know I have to remove alcohol from my life permanently, that I have no safe limits. I want to get back to a place where I can socialize without the need to be lubricated.When I got sober the first time it was BOOM, one day I was drinking a fifth a day the next day I was sober, no sense of having to put one foot in front of the other every day. This time feels different.Right now I'm feeling, guilty, ashamed, fearful and very much alone. I know that like a lot of us my fear of being judged is preventing me from sharing in the ways that will be most helpful...so I find myself here hoping to find community.
Day 98. The last few days have been really hard, constant bickering with husband, depressing Mothers day, but i didn’t drink. Today I will do day 23 of my month long yoga challenge and work at the library which I always find somewhat cheering. I initially told myself I would do 100 days even though I know it really needs to be a permanent thing. Dedicating myself to another 100 days today. Onward and upward.
That’s a great attitude, despite the bickering and sadness. You’re taking care of yourself, which is oh so important. You’ve got the hang of this, and I’m happy to hear you’re dedicating to another 100 days. I hope your day is rejuvenating. 🙂