• BTW Day 153

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 3 days, 8 hours ago

    I really hear you and feel for what you are going through. I have exactly the same with my daughter. It does hurt. We can’t turn back time unfortunately.

  • Its been a few weeks since I was here last. Life has been all work and no play. Just don’t have any time to play and when I’m not working or studying I’m sleeping. Have been through a rough patch with my mental health but am still AF. Bloody miracle that. In the last few days the wine witch has been whispering in my ear…like you didn’t drink through that rough patch so you never had a booze problem, You felt worse that when you were drinking so go figure…one or 2 beers wonr hurt after work tonight blah blah blah. I had anxiety 10 times woese than when I drank. I had started medication that effected me really bad. I felt irritable, aggressive, enjoying violent movies when I normally didn’t, my driving wnt to shit with a couple of close calls and fear like nothing I had before. I wanted to check out of this life 24/7 and just hated myself. In the end I ditched the medication and I’m going to tough it out. Started taking Go Health magnesium sleep which has besides magnesium. tart cherry extract and 5 http and this stuff really helps. I’m over having my brain fucked over on pharmaceuticals. May work for some but not me. So being alcohol free was not giving me the happiness I was expecting but the alternative would be worse….wouldn’t know where the hell I end up. With my new employer I have team mates which is much better than working sole charge, Never reallised how much connection I was missing out on my last job. The CEO was not happy I was looking and asked for my resignation. I was about to start my new job and decided to finish my final year at fashion school over 2 year which I experienced big grief over because I wasn’t going to be graduating with my classmates at end of year and no matter that my intellect told me going part time e
    was the best decision I felt a terrible sense of failure, shame and fear. I got no messages of good luck from my previous employer while I finished my notice. That really hurt. Didn’t really know any one well when I was…[Read more]

    • Ooh yay for getting breath tested, a little bonus to enjoy 😊👍🏼

    • Sounds like you are doing amazing with your sobriety with so much going on, try not to feel bad about going part time with your study, you are heading towards your goal and that is all that matters!

    • good morning, @truthangel, remember it is not a race to the finish line because . . . well. . . there really is no finish line. You get your goal and then you have another goal, and then you get that goal and well. . . guess what there is another one. So, might as well enjoy the journey. Sounds like your paying attention to your mental health and really, just pay attention, make your tweaks and slowly but surely figure it out and then what. . . your mind chemistry changes and you have to figure it out again? So connection is great, gratitude from others is great, but it doesn’t always come, yes, take health and strength and enjoy your journey, my friend, you sound like you are doing great. imo.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    Sound like he has depression. In men it seems to manifest in irritability and angry out bursts. Its a dark world they are stuck in and don’t realise it and go get help. So glad I don’t have to live with that anymore. Its hard liveing with me and my body acting out from trauma by way of panic and totally irrational fears and not drinking through this. I lose my shit when I’m alone. Havn’t made a public display of it yet but lost it in counselling last week.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    I needed to read that. i have felt a sense of failure for feeling like shit and struggling when I’ve been AF for 139 days. I can start by accepting my RBF today and going into the studio to work on my fashion collection before I go to work at 10.30 tonight.

  • i can”t type a sentence here without the cursor moving backwards into a space in a previous sentence. didnt this time.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    Awesome you @malibustacey. You must be super proud. Its a huge milestone to get through that first year.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 4 days ago

    I’m over dealing with shit. It never ends.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 4 days ago

    Yes it’s bloody awful isn’t it.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 4 days ago

    What you say is helpful. It’s more than fucking head shit isn’t it. Anyone that makes that assumption obviously haven’t been there and know diddly squat. It’s all feeling and panic an the thoughts that follow is trying to make some sense of this surreal and bizaar stuff. My head has a very rational view against what’s happening. The body and emotions just won’t shut the fuck up no matter how much rational logic an positive thinking I throw at it

    • Yes, and we can end up with a real sense of failure or disenfranchisement when the mental-field tools that seem to work for others don’t seem to work for us. I do’t know if you’ve read any books about trauma? The Body Keeps The Score is good on this stuff. Helped me feel a lot more normal to understand it.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 4 days ago

    I never had cravings and I don’t know what that feels like. I just wanted out of waking up with anxiety and panic so figured out it would be best to quit. I didn’t drink a lot but had 2 or 3 regularly everyday but the danger was drinking alone to relieve the loneliness of being shit at connecting and bonding. Hard when you hate yourself and think your shit because that’s what the haters said and I believed them and just became a target for emotional abuse. Might as well get a bullseye tattooed on my forehead.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 4 days ago

    I’m glad I don’t put poison into my system. I’m more disappointed that I’m not happy and chirpy like what appears to be others. I haven’t had much time between study and full time work to do anything other than sleep. After managing personal cares and preparing and eating meals, housework and shopping I have little else left. I’ve reached out to a friend and I was blown away with how she received it and her support. When I was low in the past and didn’t want to live anymore I reached out to a friend and she yelled down the phone to get myself off to ED and a few days later she sent me an email telling me that telling her about how it was for me plus using the s word was very inconsiderate of me and don’t ever do that again. I never replied. I felt so ashamed and a complete dick. Just thought I should go outside and eat worms. I took the advice of my counsellor to reach out to this friend today. However I wouldn’t mind some weed at the moment. But drink, no. As little as 3 drinks a week make you a prime candidate for colorectal cancer. Because it’s poisonous. Am exploring going to some yoga classes and doing some Cbt. But meds no fucking way. I know enough working in mental health and addictions what that shit does to people. You can never get better on them. They just mask symptoms. I would be swapping one poison for another. And I don’t think weed is a poison in the same way so I’m not open to a lecture on that. It’s one thing I’ve been very moderate with. My sister is going to have a biopsy to check for breast cancer as she found a lump and her Mamo came back showing something. I need to be in a safe place to let my anger out. There aren’t any therapists that use psychodrama in their practice in this town.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 4 days ago

    Fuck the meds and docs. The meds make me irritable and that s feeling. Those meds only mask symptoms. Going on the Same and L-theanine instead. Couldn’t make things worse. If I can quit booze I can quit the pharmaceuticals. They actually do permanent cognitive damage. Probably need a good fuck.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 4 days ago

    its deep in my gut not my head. all the positive thinking in the world doesn’t change to deep down in the gut feeling.

    • Fuck the meds and docs. The meds make me irritable and that s feeling. Those meds only mask symptoms. Going on the Same and L-theanine instead. Couldn’t make things worse. If I can quit booze I can quit the pharmaceuticals. They actually do permanent cognitive damage. Probably need a good fuck.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 4 days ago

    Easy peezi

  • 138 days AF. Don’t know how I haven’t picked up yet. I feel much worse than I did when I was drinking. Huge sense of doom that something really bad is about to happen.

    • Congrats on such a great day count. Sounds crazy to be hanging around waiting for something bad to happen eh? Why don’t you try flipping that thought into something amazing is just around the corner! Get out of your head and go for a walk or do some hard out exercise….

    • that sounds tough truth angel … have you talked to your doc about your mood? sounds pretty low and depressed to me?

      agree with Ro that deliberately choosing positive thoughts and exercise can help … but if you’re suffering with depression you might need someone to talk to and maybe even some meds …

      you’re a total legend for staying alcohol free this long without feeling any better (or even worse) than you did before. truth is that our alcohol use can cover up mental health problems we weren’t even really aware of

      just really encourage you to talk to a health professional and see if you can get some help. you deserve to feel better and to be able to see some light at the end of the tunnel xxx

      • its deep in my gut not my head. all the positive thinking in the world doesn’t change to deep down in the gut feeling.

        • Fuck the meds and docs. The meds make me irritable and that s feeling. Those meds only mask symptoms. Going on the Same and L-theanine instead. Couldn’t make things worse. If I can quit booze I can quit the pharmaceuticals. They actually do permanent cognitive damage. Probably need a good fuck.

    • Sounds like something you’ve been dragging around inside for awhile but just haven’t gotten around to dealing with yet?

    • 138 days is amazing, go you!
      If you’re not willing to try meds, which is very understandable and your good right (!) maybe suss out CBT – cognitive behavioral therapy combined with regular exercise. It’s proven (clinically, not some self-help hoax kitchen theory) to be just as a effective as meds for mild to moderate depression. In any case, having a mental healthcare provider you trust and have good rapport with can do wonders.

      I can relate to what you wrote about having a gut feeling something bad is about to happen. My anxiety convinces me of that every.single.day. It is exhausting.
      I tried Xanax but it felt awful and for now back to therapy and exercise only.

      xxoxxo

    • Got worse for me AF too. In fact it really ramped up when I was studying in my late 40’s & working too. I eventually came to understand it was a sign I was pushed past my limit, but was still non-plussed about what to do as I wanted to complete the study. Rock & hard place.
      These are the joys of life with ptsd I think aye? Carrying around an embodied, visceral sense of dread. It’s not necessarily thoughts although it might be thoughts too.
      I hear ya.

      • What you say is helpful. It’s more than fucking head shit isn’t it. Anyone that makes that assumption obviously haven’t been there and know diddly squat. It’s all feeling and panic an the thoughts that follow is trying to make some sense of this surreal and bizaar stuff. My head has a very rational view against what’s happening. The body and emotions just won’t shut the fuck up no matter how much rational logic an positive thinking I throw at it

        • Yes, and we can end up with a real sense of failure or disenfranchisement when the mental-field tools that seem to work for others don’t seem to work for us. I do’t know if you’ve read any books about trauma? The Body Keeps The Score is good on this stuff. Helped me feel a lot more normal to understand it.

    • Like your humour @Truthangel. A friend of mine used to say about an up tight mutual friend “she needs a bottle of vodka and good fuck!” haha. Could it be possible that you are a wee bit angry at letting the booze go? It is quite an enormous change in lifestyle and everything is pretty hard for a while, trying to find out who we are without our usual props. It’s just a random thought, but if you are preoccupied with feeling like shit and kind of miserable and lost, then there won’t be room to allow the good stuff in. The good stuff is subtle and easily missed. Small things like brighter eyes, better skin, shinier hair, better sleep (though that took years for me), tasting food better, having more energy, beng more organised, getting shit done. Thesethings in themselves can make us feel happy and quite pleased and proud of ourselves. How about you give yourself this weekend to just try and let some of the light in, and see if you can feel a deep down pride in yourself for sticking with this sober gig for 138 days. YOu are awesome. You won’t always feel this way. So I would be trying to fix these low feelings myself, then only if that doesn’t work, try another avenue. I always find a good comedy shifts my mood. I might be a bit shallow but it seems to work for me, then I build on that. HOpe you feel better soon xoxo

      • I’m glad I don’t put poison into my system. I’m more disappointed that I’m not happy and chirpy like what appears to be others. I haven’t had much time between study and full time work to do anything other than sleep. After managing personal cares and preparing and eating meals, housework and shopping I have little else left. I’ve reached out to a friend and I was blown away with how she received it and her support. When I was low in the past and didn’t want to live anymore I reached out to a friend and she yelled down the phone to get myself off to ED and a few days later she sent me an email telling me that telling her about how it was for me plus using the s word was very inconsiderate of me and don’t ever do that again. I never replied. I felt so ashamed and a complete dick. Just thought I should go outside and eat worms. I took the advice of my counsellor to reach out to this friend today. However I wouldn’t mind some weed at the moment. But drink, no. As little as 3 drinks a week make you a prime candidate for colorectal cancer. Because it’s poisonous. Am exploring going to some yoga classes and doing some Cbt. But meds no fucking way. I know enough working in mental health and addictions what that shit does to people. You can never get better on them. They just mask symptoms. I would be swapping one poison for another. And I don’t think weed is a poison in the same way so I’m not open to a lecture on that. It’s one thing I’ve been very moderate with. My sister is going to have a biopsy to check for breast cancer as she found a lump and her Mamo came back showing something. I need to be in a safe place to let my anger out. There aren’t any therapists that use psychodrama in their practice in this town.

    • hey, @truthangel – i remember after i got through intense cravings, i just really felt nothing of anything. couldn’t say i was depressed, couldn’t say i wasn’t. i also saw through sober eyes all that i had let slide when i was drunk all the time. this gave me a feeling of impending doom as in i need to ….. so much. i agree with everyone here, exercise may be the ticket, as hard as it may seem, just a walk around the block, maybe a walk through the mall if it is cold, who knows. keep on it, look for the good days and let us know.

      • I never had cravings and I don’t know what that feels like. I just wanted out of waking up with anxiety and panic so figured out it would be best to quit. I didn’t drink a lot but had 2 or 3 regularly everyday but the danger was drinking alone to relieve the loneliness of being shit at connecting and bonding. Hard when you hate yourself and think your shit because that’s what the haters said and I believed them and just became a target for emotional abuse. Might as well get a bullseye tattooed on my forehead.

    • I hate that feeling @truthangel. I honestly exercise, eat healthy, do yoga and take really good care of myself during those times. And when I do this without judging myself I come out of it….sometimes depression is physical and we need a bit of health – no shame in that. Do seek medical attention if you feel it’s not dissipating and keep up positive self talk. xoxo

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    Her post was very touching. I agree she is a lamplighter and that’s possible for the rest of us who have been abused in childhood and that’s likely a big majority here. Humanity needs more lamplighters.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    I don’t think forgiveness can be turned on. I’ve turned it on but a the expense of burying the pain alive. It comes out inevitably in ways that hurt us and eventually the people around us.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    Yes @waking owl. So true. I believe the substances we become addicted to a stand in as love substitutes. It’s not that we can’t cope with feelings and bad days. Abuse leaves every day being a bad day and the love we were supposed to have to thrive in life was withheld. Sober will help and it’s a loving act to give the piss a miss.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    You make some good points Jess. I think compassion is possible with self healing with long term therapy. I’ve fucked up myself as a parent in different was than my parents but the difference is that I can admit it, experience remorse and want to make amends. I’ve done a lot of work but there’s more to be done which I want to do. I don’t believe there’s a spectrum of badness or frequency regarding abuse. Abuse is abuse and it makes a big impact. It’s the lack of remorse and insincere apologies if they make any at all that leaves lasting pain. I can accept the generational thing and as humans we all fuck up. FUFU- Fuck up Fess up.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    Thank you @Trace for your inspiration. I want to get to that place of loving myself. I carry a lot of kilos to protect myself from getting intimately involved with anyone because love scares me. It only means pain for me. I know intellectually the importance of self love but emotionally I can’t get there even though I want to. I know I have been very violent to myself emotionally and once in the blue moon physically. I will have to up my therapy to weekly instead of fortnight and be in it for the long haul instead of 10 to 20 weeks.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    Oh thank you @tTipsyToeGal. Lovely to hear from you. Its quite a biggie of a challenge isn’t it? Sorry to hear you are in that place too. I wouldn’t wish it on the devil himself. There are just days where its so painful that I get quite anxious about losing it and crashing down to a low place that is longer term. I work with people with mental health challenges and boy it makes our drinking problems lame by comparison. We can make that choice to quit but all my clients are so heavily medicated, with very little choice and their speech and continence are impaired from the side effects long term. I believe they have all had serious trauma in childhood.

    I think you have a point about trauma bonding. I hope she sees things for herself one day. I’m blamed for everything and she doesn’t give specifics. I’m over it really. I don’t need her fucking with my head anymore and if letting her go is a price I pay to stay sober so be it even though I chose to commit to living an AF life because of my drunk text to her. Never want to do that again. I have to put her in park and work on my healing for as long as it takes taking into account some of the stuff I have to look at on the healing journey may have the possibility of challenge my sobriety. I feel it will take up a lot of therapy.

    After I left her father I set up house in a good neighborhood. I kept it clean and tidy and it was pretty. Really feminine and comfortable. She would have had a nice home and loving care with me and its a shame she lived in the filth that was her fathers home. With her father everything in the house was grimy and dark, much like his energy, I could clean 24/7 and everyone in the family home would mess it up straight away. I didn’t count for nothing in that home and was reduced to a fearful and shy woman who became isolated because I didn’t think anyone would want to connect with me. I am still quite shy. I never used to be like this. Its like my essence was burnt up. He was so fucking…[Read more]

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 4 weeks ago

    You just built some sober muscle. Good on you,

  • truthangel posted an update 4 weeks ago

    Hi all
    need to rant.
    Hi @mari135
    I am deeply touched by your post yesterday. I didn’t post my rant under your post as I think that would be very inappropriate. You went through so much. I wish I could embrace the little girl in me like you do. I am hating mine at the moment. I just want to get on with doing grown up things and she would bugger off already. Seems like my narcissist mother and Borderline/psychopath father have possessed my very soul. I have gone through my life believing there is no me and I don’t matter. I had Post natal depression when my children were born and PTSD from my daughter’s birth. It never healed with time. Instead it robbed me of time. My mother failed to protect us from our violent and abusive father. No one taught me how to love. I tried to emulate TV and movie characters. So I have acted all my life because I lost me. Everything I’ve done has been an emulation. I feel like I am acting during every waking moment. It’s bloody tiring. I don’t believe in forgiving. It’s a total crock of bullshit we have been fed by religions, new age shit and psychology. What I do believe in is healing to a point where it doesn’t sting so much and revisiting it becomes unnecessary. Eventually becoming indifferent to those people. Moving on. Cutting the cords with those people that have kept us in bondage. I don’t think forgiving is a necessary part of that process and to do so can be very damaging. That family of origin molds us and therapy and healing for me is to break that mold. Humans are basically pack animals. We are hot wired to connect with others for our very survival. We are relational.
    I want to make new connections with people who have empathy and lift us up. When it comes to my mother commenting that my choice of friends in life are people who tell me what I want to hear, I end up trying to please her by attracting people who are cruel and betraying like her. Making her right. Its distorted really. But humans can create new…[Read more]

    • Wow that was a powerful post. It was so well written I was addicted! I love that you can see everything so clearly. You can be very proud of your strength. Forgive and forget can be cliches for sure and you’ve rattled a cage there. I would love to understand why people forgive. There must be something in it that I haven’t learnt but I’m only at the very early stage.

      • I don’t think forgiveness can be turned on. I’ve turned it on but a the expense of burying the pain alive. It comes out inevitably in ways that hurt us and eventually the people around us.

    • I think @Mari135 is an amazing lamplighter for those abused throughout their lives; her work to understand it is invaluable as she can then explain how it was and is now.
      Forgiveness (no acceptance!) is a complex concept/act. All I know is: never forget, create strong boundaries, and work to understand how they came to be that way – maybe it is the understanding which leads to some compassion which allows forgiveness? but never forgetting or letting them near you while they are unhealed, manipulating and playing games.

      (Of course it is way more difficult if a partner/ex/husband – because of our children, there is still contact at times and my ex will start to charm me. After all the horror, I can still begin to yield, soften, wonder about my views!, and have to talk to myself, do a little remembering, take care. And the pain when he treats my children as objects for his ego… never ends)
      Go well in your journey to truth, angel.

      • Her post was very touching. I agree she is a lamplighter and that’s possible for the rest of us who have been abused in childhood and that’s likely a big majority here. Humanity needs more lamplighters.

    • So many of us here fighting to become whole after abusive childhoods. I have just begun working on healing from a childhood full of physical and sexual abuse. At times I too have told myself that I’m too fucked up to heal.
      I only know that approaching it sober means a true chance to make progress.

      • Yes @waking owl. So true. I believe the substances we become addicted to a stand in as love substitutes. It’s not that we can’t cope with feelings and bad days. Abuse leaves every day being a bad day and the love we were supposed to have to thrive in life was withheld. Sober will help and it’s a loving act to give the piss a miss.

    • @truthangel i am really sorry u went through all of that. It sounds like u are on the right path to healing. That is strong. And awesome. I feel like these things get passed down from generation to generation until someone decides to stop it and do exactly what u are doing. Heal from it. It helps me to realize my parents are ppl who each had a pretty rough childhood themselves. And quite possibly never healed from it. Then it just keeps getting passed down. And i think the person that decides to heal from it and not continue it has a LOT of work to do in that area. It’s not easy. At all. I really commend u for your effort and staying sober. That is awesome!🌼🌼🌼

      • You make some good points Jess. I think compassion is possible with self healing with long term therapy. I’ve fucked up myself as a parent in different was than my parents but the difference is that I can admit it, experience remorse and want to make amends. I’ve done a lot of work but there’s more to be done which I want to do. I don’t believe there’s a spectrum of badness or frequency regarding abuse. Abuse is abuse and it makes a big impact. It’s the lack of remorse and insincere apologies if they make any at all that leaves lasting pain. I can accept the generational thing and as humans we all fuck up. FUFU- Fuck up Fess up.

    • @truthangel I just want to honour you for your post. Yes, the need for belonging is hardwired into our DNA and the repercussions of not having that throughout our childhood are massive. You see this so clearly, but I know it what it is like to understand something intellectually, but still have it fuck over your emotions. Its a process, and something I’ve been taking on head on for a few years now and I just wanted to tell you that YES there is light at the end of the tunnel! for me, the journey to loving myself enough to treat myself well regardless of the past, or of how people treated me in the now, was also the journey to stopping addictive patterns. Joy is entirely possible, believe in yourself babe!! xx

      • Thank you @Trace for your inspiration. I want to get to that place of loving myself. I carry a lot of kilos to protect myself from getting intimately involved with anyone because love scares me. It only means pain for me. I know intellectually the importance of self love but emotionally I can’t get there even though I want to. I know I have been very violent to myself emotionally and once in the blue moon physically. I will have to up my therapy to weekly instead of fortnight and be in it for the long haul instead of 10 to 20 weeks.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 4 weeks ago

    Love it @mari135. And while I am being challenged with depression and anxiety, Its real and not caused by the booze. Can work on my issues without swimming in booze.
    Also for me in addition to your list…. speaking my truth without guilt.

    • Seni replied 4 weeks ago

      MY BRAIN IS MINE that’s fantastic, says it all! Thank you 🙂

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 4 weeks ago

    I second that @Lee. Staying sober gives you choices. There are a lot of others out there having grief from drinking. The booze waits patiently for an opportunity for payback. No matter how bad it gets it will never be as bad as adding booze into the mix. Well said with your post.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 4 weeks ago

    Amen to that. I’ve posted after yours here. So I really get you. I have nothing to do with my mother and haven’t for 3 years now. She will not respect boundaries. So out she goes with all the other toxic rubbish. I won’t be seeing an inheritance from her. Better to live with integrity though. She has managed to get through to the extended family in the UK and I now get a cool reception from them and my brother won’t talk to me. Can’t beat a narcissist’s smear campaign…they take no prisoners. Yep there are people who make you smile and others who want to wipe the smile off your face. And there’s no peace joy and healthy growth around the latter. They are parasites that feed off you.
    Good on you. I like your term “emotional regulator”. I did the same thing and its not happening any more. You know, the worse part is that I didn’t learn much non narcissistic ways of behaviour and have to relearn new healthy behaviour myself. Its called catching their fleas. Let them stew in their toxic soup. They are happy that way and I don’t believe they have low self esteem. They reduce the self esteem of others and get off on it. When my son turns 21 I am paying him a flight to come down to my town for a few days before or after his birthday and to make sure he gets his present I will give it to him myself. His father would be low enough to hold on to it and then unwrap it and rewrap it and give it to him for Christmas. I got to laugh but that’s what he would do. Couldn’t be around his father or my daughter. Daughter has been poisoned by his version of things and tells me it was all her own choice. That’s the clever thing about covert narcissists. They can make it look like your choice. I believe they are the worse kind out of all the narcissists. I believe I would probably end up drinking if I went to his 21st. Too risky. Why be around the haters. After all the shit they have said about me they only have to be nasty and humiliating towards me and if I stand up to them it…[Read more]

    • WOW! @truthangel I loved your reply. Speaking words I totally understand and relate to. I wrote you a long reply to your post you made on this subject today but the system erased it! I was really impressed with your boldness, clarity, articulation and honesty about where you are at. I’m there too. I’m done with toxic. And like you, I may not have all the answers of the “right” way to do things, having the fog and illusion of what Love ISN’T out of the way, I have hope that what it IS will naturally come in.

      You are so right about narcs, that they make it think it is your choice… this has been so frustrating, looking back on my actions with both my mom and ex-narc man in Oregon. It really is like you are hypnotized and that they like…control your soul… like a puppet. Even when you start to become aware of it, the compulsion doesn’t just go away! Then when you add trauma bonding to it all.

      Maybe that is what your daughter is experiencing with her father, the trauma bond. Father/daughter bonds are potent, even when they are poisonous. 🙁 I hope over the course of time she will come to have the same realizations you do!

      In the meantime, let’s shake off those fleas and walk in a new light! (((hugs))). 🌹. ☀️

      • Oh thank you @tTipsyToeGal. Lovely to hear from you. Its quite a biggie of a challenge isn’t it? Sorry to hear you are in that place too. I wouldn’t wish it on the devil himself. There are just days where its so painful that I get quite anxious about losing it and crashing down to a low place that is longer term. I work with people with mental health challenges and boy it makes our drinking problems lame by comparison. We can make that choice to quit but all my clients are so heavily medicated, with very little choice and their speech and continence are impaired from the side effects long term. I believe they have all had serious trauma in childhood.

        I think you have a point about trauma bonding. I hope she sees things for herself one day. I’m blamed for everything and she doesn’t give specifics. I’m over it really. I don’t need her fucking with my head anymore and if letting her go is a price I pay to stay sober so be it even though I chose to commit to living an AF life because of my drunk text to her. Never want to do that again. I have to put her in park and work on my healing for as long as it takes taking into account some of the stuff I have to look at on the healing journey may have the possibility of challenge my sobriety. I feel it will take up a lot of therapy.

        After I left her father I set up house in a good neighborhood. I kept it clean and tidy and it was pretty. Really feminine and comfortable. She would have had a nice home and loving care with me and its a shame she lived in the filth that was her fathers home. With her father everything in the house was grimy and dark, much like his energy, I could clean 24/7 and everyone in the family home would mess it up straight away. I didn’t count for nothing in that home and was reduced to a fearful and shy woman who became isolated because I didn’t think anyone would want to connect with me. I am still quite shy. I never used to be like this. Its like my essence was burnt up. He was so fucking…[Read more]

  • truthangel posted an update 4 weeks ago

    Hi to all of you
    I’m all out of sync with my sleep because I do night shifts and I’m quite depressed. I have to work full time to live while I study and have had to transfer from full time study to part time so I won’t graduate until 2020. I should be happy with the pressure off me and I have a generous extension to complete my 3pce fashion collection now. I just feel lousy since I signed over. It doesn’t make sense. So much shit has come up and I am having big feelings. I feel anger and rage that I bottled up with the booze having gone without for 128 days. Actually I’ve been waking up with killer headaches worse than any hangover. I feel fucking hungover without the booze if that makes any sense at all. I’ve come to the realisation that I am really fucking damaged and all the counselling in the world won’t change it and I’ve had a lot of counselling. I’ve let people walk all over me and now my favourite line is ‘fuck off!’. I’m really getting off on violent movies and watched Mad Max and really enjoyed it. I have not liked violence at all and suddenly I’m enjoying violent movies. WTF? I thought I would become a better person sober but if that means taking other peoples shit then that’s not going to happen. No matter how nice I have been I’ve put up with the bullies. Now I’m over it and being nice all the time doesn’t serve me. I used to smile and be friendly to everyone but I save that now for the people that matter and my clients but now it’s a surely “yes?” Its got to the stage that I expect others to play nice or I will just dismiss them and ask them to speak to the hand. I have spread myself to thinly with people in the past causing the people that matter not getting to really know me and know whats going on for me. I am getting triggered by memories of abuse as a child and all the bullying I got at school. I’ve blamed myself for all of it and gone through life with a fear of abandonment. I went from growing up with narcissistic parents to marrying 2…[Read more]

    • That is sure creepy – great moves on your part!
      The rest is huge and I can only encourage you to persist, and to read @Mari135 ‘s stories and overcoming – and many more here.
      Headaches can indicate a need for magnesium. Mega Bs too, and St John’s wort + camomile in truckloads for some calming.
      Exercise rather than violent movies may help … yoga? Tara Brach?
      I hope today is better!!

    • k1W1 replied 4 weeks ago

      Hi, if the headaches don’t settle maybe a trip to doctor, in the meantime your headaches could be tension ones, they can be killers. Do you know anyone who could give you a head neck shoulder massage, or give yourself a scalp massage. Unfortunately drinking does cover a lot but if you can work through it, you come out with a better life. Good on you for venting here. Read @mari135 post from yesterday it may give you some hope. The incident with the lady sounds scary, it’s my worst nightmare but what a great idea to go to testing station, I will remember that. And no why should you put up with peoples shitty behaviour, that’s why I try to be assertive not aggressive. Ps did you know anger is our first default behaviour that’s why hangery (Hungary going into anger) is real! Your doing well your reorganised your studies and didn’t give up, your got this 🌸

    • I’m sure you know it’s very common to have long-suppressed feelings come up once AF. I find anger a tricky one. What to do with that amount of old rage? Truthfully it kept me from being AF for many years, it felt impossible to manage that rage. I still find it melts my head at times, fills it up with a hard sensation that drowns out everything else.
      But the redrawing of boundaries; so necessary, so important.
      @truthangel, I suspect we’re not always that aware of our own boundaries toward ourselves either. Meaning for instance, I have often over or under estimated my own need for care or support or protection in the way I treat myself. It sounds like you are isolated and you say you are depressed. I’m wondering how much nourishing stuff is coming in. Please be careful with what you ‘feed’ yourself. Does it feel possible to reach for something tender or joyful? What would that be? You are here and pursuing your own dream, despite everything that has happened.
      Yes great moves with the woman in the car. Maybe she was on something. High meth use here. But also, we’re a pretty angry nation.

  • Hi everyone. Haven’t been here for a while. its 127 days now. Life has been very stressful and hard but still AF. Too tired and depressed to be arsed with the details of that. Had to make a lot of decisions. So tired of everything.

    • Good of you to come here. Feel free to vent if you need to, and remember its ok to not be ok all the time. @truthangel how great you’re still AF!

    • Hi there @truthangel I am sorry to hear life is tough for you right now. Hang on tight to that inner strength you have and let your friends in to help. There are days and weeks that are not so good for me too, when I wonder if things will ever improve to a point that I can happily accept and live with. Even those bad times are better than when I was drinking and now while they are painful I can deal with them although I’d rather not sometimes!!!
      I have found peace through writing my journal, drawing, reading, just thinking things through, visualising the future I want and trying to do my best each day even if I feel like crap. The last one is helpful because even if it is only one tiny thing that you do well it makes you feel good about yourself. Reminding myself of what I have to be grateful for helps me too because it reinforces that life is essentially good with bad bits like smooth custard with lumps!!!! I hate custard so probably not the best analogy.
      I have good friends that I do lean on and cherishing them gets me out of my own head too. So you are doing great in spite of the stress and worry. Congratulations on your 127 days and keep forging ahead. It will get better. Lots of love❤️

    • Time for lotsa pampering me thinks,xx. Take care of number one!

  • I’m at work right now. Part of the awake shift is to check up on 2 very high risk men to make sure they are on site. Their rooms are alarmed 24/7 even when they leave their flat during the day to come to the common room. They can spin and do a runner and they aren’t safe as pedestrians. Wow what some people are dealt with. Most of these people have schizophrenia. I think it’s the worst illness anyone could have. All we have to do is not drink. Puts everything in perspective but sad it comes at someone else’s suffering. I had a bad tummy yesterday when I finished work. As I had slept for 13 hrs the day before I figured I could go to the studio to work on my design after finishing at 7 am. I thought it would be like doing something in the evening after a days work. I found myself working slow. By 1.30 in the afternoon I was fading and I had stomach cramps and wind. So I decided to go home to sleep. I called into a fabric store on the way and while was there I was overcome with stomach pains and a fear of embarrassing myself if I stayed a second longer. I got home and couldn’t go to bed straight away because of my stomach. Half an hour later I collapsed in bed. Woke up at 10pm to be here at 11pm last night. I think I may have an irritable bowel. I thought it was from alcohol but it has continued. Have had this for years. It’s nasty.
    Glad I’m going to study part time. I can’t do it all. My body beats my spirit every time. Hate to think how lousy I would be feeling if I drank.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Welcome @MotherOfFour. You will find a lot of support and kindness here.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Please tell us about those lime almonds.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Its great to be able to say goodbye to that job. I left one as well because they didn’t offer me more permanent work and they don’t keep their casual staff. They weren’t professional. I had anxiety all summer working for them with faceless people writing incident reports on the person on the last shift. Some folk enjoyed writing them. A culture that encouraged grassing on your work mates is so disfunctional. No card, emails with best wishes, Miserable.

    • It is miserable @truthangel and im glad on your behalf that you are away from that one! Are you feeling a bit better? You were totally overwhelmed and exhausted earlier this week x

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Good on you coming back. That takes real guts. I agree with what @Seni has written. Not much more to add. My relapses lasted years with last one a whole year. I think it does get easier.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Oh I kew I missed someonr. @freedom1025 Thank you and @Liberty… Spelt you wrong so mightn’t have notice in your email.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Congratulations on 10 weeks and isn’t sober sleep the best?

  • Kiaora and thank you to @Agirl, @ Liberty, @Malibustacey, @Kitten for your encouragement and good vibes and others that put good vibes out there. Hope I didn’t leave anyone out.
    I found out how my post disappeared. This avo I posted it and saw a big Typo so I edited it then I forgot to save it. I just got on my laptop now and everything was frozen. I found the post still in writing mode. Of course I couldn’t repost. I had to restart my computer and when went back the post in the writing area was gone.
    To update, I caught up on some sleep, went to the studio and worked until 3am then I got home and went to bed. After 5 hrs sleep I got up and went to my class. Had a lecture and workshop. I worked that night and yesterday woke up at 1pm. When I am sleep deprived I go haywire and not right in the head. Its as bad as drinking.
    Any way stayed AF through it all. I got my first pay from my new job. More hours and some real money. I’m glad I left the other place. Fancy having a workforce that work alone and don’t see their team mates. Put it behind me. They got me through the summer break. Any way I have to have 30 hrs a week of work so I can live without the student allowance as I only have 7 weeks left and would like to suspend it and reopen it for the final weeks when I do my graduate collection. I’ve enquired about changing to part time study and finishing in 2020 because I have no wriggle room if something goes wron like getting sick mentally or physically and failing the year. Its been accepted which means I do the paper for the final collection next year and finish the strategic design and design studio paers and 3 electives this year. I would like to do an internship so I will look at taking some anual leave to do it next year. I’m going to have all my research and prototyping done for my final collection before I return in semester 6 next year so I will have seven months including the summer break before I return, Meanwhile I will be going in a lot this…[Read more]

    • Oh I kew I missed someonr. @freedom1025 Thank you and @Liberty… Spelt you wrong so mightn’t have notice in your email.

    • That is a lot on your plate right now, @truthangel. I know it seems impossible to believe, but you have a plan, keep your eye on the prize. Sending good thoughts to you and prayers for free time and sleep time that may visit you soon.

    • These are good calls @truthangel. Leaving room for being human instead of a punishing routine that we know will push us continuously beyond our limit – oh I’ve tried that too and I know it seems like there’s no option at times if we want to expand our lives. But there’s no room for joy or wellbeing in that; I’v found anyway. Good on you. Sleep well.

    • I agree, @truthangel. Thanks for the update! And, as we all know…just keep yer eye on the ball. Y’know, the one that matters.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    30 days well done and congrats.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Hi Liberty
    I posted to you and the others this avo. You’re right. It seems to have disappeared. I didn’t delete it. I’m much better today.

  • Kiaora All
    Slept from 8am to 6pm after those long hours. I was the most tired I’ve ever felt and my mental well being plummeted to a scary low. It frightened me. I need to be doing some work at the studio on my collection of 3 fashion designs. so I’m going in. Will become totally nocturnal I think. Cats were so happy to have me to cuddle up to. Also my son had promised to contact me on Easter Sunday and he didn’t and he ghosted me online and finally told me he was snowed under on study for his mid semester exams. It did my head in. I understand him being busy but he could have said that in a sentence. Feeling I’m doing everything wrong and everyone sees it but me because why else am I getting shitty treatment. The organisation I left didn’t even semd me an email wishing me luck or thank you. So i feel a lot of self hatred at the moment and feel irrelevant and alone. I drank to just be able to live with this. Still sober. If I can live sober until I die it would be the one right thing I did in this lifetime.

    • Kiaora koe @truthangel.
      The organisation you left are a bunch of numptys with poor work practices and no relational or leadership skills. Your son is overwhelmed, or needs some space for some other reason, and maybe that’s when his communication is most likely to fall away. None of that is about you doing anything wrong.
      It hurts to get shitty treatment but it’s not always about us. In fact it’s generally about the person or group dishing it out.
      How about you just park all that in a big folder titled: ‘I don’t know but I’m too tired to work it out right now’.
      The person you most need on your side right now is you. Please be kind to you, you’re doing a lot right now. I’m so glad you got a sleep. Please try to get some more of those. xx

    • Please be kind to yourself just now. It’s sounds as though everything around you has a dark hue to it. It’s not real, just sleep deprivation and an incredible amount of stress. What an understandable reaction.
      Sounds like you are nocturnal! Hopefully you manage to get some sun- those rays really help with our feel good system as I’m sure you know.
      Take care lovely.

    • Hi @truthangel. Sounds like you’re going through a rugged time, alright. Prayers for just one day at a time…or one minute…or an hour. We’re on your side.

    • @truthangel big hugs. Please don’t let these actions of others reflect on you and your worthiness. I agree with the great advice from @liberty. Here’s a quote I go back to a lot when putting others’ shitty actions in perspective …
      “If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all.” Yogi Bhajan

    • good morning, @truthangel – unfortunately, i understand way too well the mental lows. I try, and sometimes I am successful to say to myself, “living well is the best f you to others.”

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Kiaora sober whanau. Lovely to get your encouraging messages. Yay just got home. Fed cats and jumped into my onesie and just got into bed. Thought I would touch base here before I go to the land of zzzzzs and dreamtime. Another day AF through all this. The kitties are happy and have cuddled up. Just hoped they stayed inside last night and didn’t go out and bully the other cats in the hood. They may be petite little siamese darlings but they scare off the cats on our street and my next door neighbour’s cat has anxiety and been put on meds. She wont go outside. Embarrassing really. I don’t want to be offside with my neighbours because of my little monsters. But I’m the only one with an empty bottle bin here so……LOL. Less apologetic since being AF. Just can’t control everything and keep my kitties under lock and key. Don’t have the time to empty the litter tray so they can go and shit in the garden. Peace out. I’m ready to snore ZZzzzzzz

  • Sorry to have inflicted my rants on you. Hate to think what I would say if drinking. Over stressed, anxiety, tiredness has paid its toll. Will be heading home at 7am and I’m going to crash for the day I think. Feel like I’ve gone a bit nutty in the head lately. Hope sleep will get me back on form. Sleep deprivation is a dangerous place for me. Going through changeover of anti depressants as well. Actually feeling some big stuff. Been so busy my home looks like a dive. I hate chaos and disorganisation. It’s triggering. Reminds me of drinking. I just need your good vibes to right now. I’m just feeling very tearful and don’t mean to sound like I’m sorry for myself. Just want to get my energy back and get on with it.

    • good vibes your way, @truthangel. I have been teary lately too. I am just rotten at processing appropriately. Best to you. Sleep well.

      • Hi @kitten!😉 Hey @truthangel…I’m with ya!! My house is so gross right now causevtherescbeen no time…I keep wishingvi could just have one day off of work while kids at school….its so overstimulting!! Rest well And re group. (And think f*ck booze)😉

    • Hey it’s ok @truthangel, please don’t worry. Let it out. You’re under a lot of strain and it’s no surprise you’re tearful and feel triggered.
      Not saying you are, but so what if you are sorry for yourself? It’s totally fine that we are sad for ourselves at times.
      When we’re pushed past our limit being tearful is a natural response. xx I hope you can really rest today.

    • Listening to your rants is why I’m here @truthangel– bring em on. You get through so much, and are under so much pressure- there has to be a release valve surely. Sounds like you so need sleep. Being without it is hideous I agree.
      So- good vibes winging their way to you from the Waikato. Wrapping you in a warm snuggly blanket of peace and respite from your churning brain.

    • @truthangel get some rest for sure!

    • Kiaora sober whanau. Lovely to get your encouraging messages. Yay just got home. Fed cats and jumped into my onesie and just got into bed. Thought I would touch base here before I go to the land of zzzzzs and dreamtime. Another day AF through all this. The kitties are happy and have cuddled up. Just hoped they stayed inside last night and didn’t go out and bully the other cats in the hood. They may be petite little siamese darlings but they scare off the cats on our street and my next door neighbour’s cat has anxiety and been put on meds. She wont go outside. Embarrassing really. I don’t want to be offside with my neighbours because of my little monsters. But I’m the only one with an empty bottle bin here so……LOL. Less apologetic since being AF. Just can’t control everything and keep my kitties under lock and key. Don’t have the time to empty the litter tray so they can go and shit in the garden. Peace out. I’m ready to snore ZZzzzzzz

    • Peaceful dreams

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    well done. So great to be able to get organised and do the shopping without adding wine to the trolley.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    well done. Better with a decent sleep isnt it.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    I’m happy for you @TipsyToeGal. Good for you getting back into the things you loved. Alcoholic water…WTF. Got to poison the feckin water now. Not bothering with that shit. And your food sounds yummy.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    i’ve only got into bed. finished half an hour ago and had to drop my time sheets through slot in the HQ office door. Then had to put some gas in my car. Got home and fed cats. So I have to be at work at 11pm. Had to let the mother of the little girl that I look after that I have become exhausted and my mental health will be the nxt thing to go if I start back next week. I can’t cope with 7am starts as well and having to do after school pick ups. She said she was sorry I wasn’t feeling well and will make up my final pay. Hard on her but I am not prepared to get so stressed that I become at risk for drinking again. Living AF is my only hope of making a better life for myself. Can’t go on like this. Todays working out my notice has stuffed up time I could be at the studio, like right now then go straight to work. But have to get my 40 winks instead. I am glad to be free of that outfit. In my new job the day and afternoon shifts have 2-3 people on and the over night not so but you get to do handover with colleagues before and after shifts.Incident reports with this outfit a much more than workmates grassing off on each other. It’s about preventing risk or informing about possible risk. As long as the procedure is followed for giving out medication at the right time, to the right person, by the right route, the right medication and right amount and recorded then it should go well. At the last place. you worked in the children’s respite facility sole charge for up to 4 kids with either serious behaviour problems, disabilities and just plain bloody damaged or all the above. It was feckin stressful and the paperwork for their medications was badly designed. I got quite scared that one of those children could make a false allegation for attention or they didn’t get their own way so I opted out of being on call for that facility by not answering any calls from them. Being sole charge you wouldn’t have a bloody leg to stand on and many of these kids lied all the time…[Read more]

  • Hi to all you sober warriors. I wouldn’t be here sober without you. It’s a home for me. I need to have a rant because I am feeling tired fecked off and grumpy. I did an over night shift last night. It’s an awake shift and had to check on 3 people every hour. One of them is in continent… wets his bed. Well I’ll be fecked, this dude was wet from top to bottom, right through his night pull-ups and swimming in the pee on the plastic bed protector. Every night for years he’s had to be woken up changed and bed remade and talk about the slash from the heavens. The rain outside had nothing on it. Would like to know how some people who have been taking a lot of psych meds end up incontinent. We think we had it bad drinking. We are so lucky. We can choose to stop and the pain of big feelings and cravings are inconsequential to what these people have to live with every day. Debilitating mental illness, chronic pain for some, incontinence and being drugged up every day and experiencing major side effects. So I finished my shift and had to go to another job, to finish my notice. Not one email wishing me all the best. No thank you’d. Treated like nothing. Well dark these ungrateful bastards. Their support worker job is all cleaning and the house has something in it that makes me feel sick. My eyes sting and im too tired to do a decent job. Well outa there soon. There’s a new resident, a 63 yr old male with a very entitled manner. He requested I make him up a bowl of porridge and a smoothie. I told him if he is able to drive a car he can make his own breakfast. The toxic masculinity amongst baby boomers….he can go feck himself. Me without sleep is a bitch. At least a sober bitch. Will be going to bed at the end of this. I feel bloody hurt that I’ve not been acknowledged. I’ve left because they just didn’t have the hours after advertising that there would be 16 hrs a week as a casual and I had this job as regular 7.5 hrs every second Sunday. It’s like they were offend…[Read more]

    • Wow, you are an angel. I would like to acknowledge your effort in such difficult circumstances. Support workers are under valued and it is hard work without the contact and support of colleagues. A very unhealthy and disempowered work culture. I hope you can rest now and enjoy some sleep. Xx

    • I hope this finds you in bed! For all of us who rely on support caregivers I send much appreciation. Caring for other people is a hard, hard, underpaid job. That place sounds like they promote a toxic work environment and have lost a good employee. Rest well!

    • i’m glad you’re a sober bitch truthangel ❤️

      • i’ve only got into bed. finished half an hour ago and had to drop my time sheets through slot in the HQ office door. Then had to put some gas in my car. Got home and fed cats. So I have to be at work at 11pm. Had to let the mother of the little girl that I look after that I have become exhausted and my mental health will be the nxt thing to go if I start back next week. I can’t cope with 7am starts as well and having to do after school pick ups. She said she was sorry I wasn’t feeling well and will make up my final pay. Hard on her but I am not prepared to get so stressed that I become at risk for drinking again. Living AF is my only hope of making a better life for myself. Can’t go on like this. Todays working out my notice has stuffed up time I could be at the studio, like right now then go straight to work. But have to get my 40 winks instead. I am glad to be free of that outfit. In my new job the day and afternoon shifts have 2-3 people on and the over night not so but you get to do handover with colleagues before and after shifts.Incident reports with this outfit a much more than workmates grassing off on each other. It’s about preventing risk or informing about possible risk. As long as the procedure is followed for giving out medication at the right time, to the right person, by the right route, the right medication and right amount and recorded then it should go well. At the last place. you worked in the children’s respite facility sole charge for up to 4 kids with either serious behaviour problems, disabilities and just plain bloody damaged or all the above. It was feckin stressful and the paperwork for their medications was badly designed. I got quite scared that one of those children could make a false allegation for attention or they didn’t get their own way so I opted out of being on call for that facility by not answering any calls from them. Being sole charge you wouldn’t have a bloody leg to stand on and many of these kids lied all the time…[Read more]

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 months ago

    Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I believe they go out as a healing vibe.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 months ago

    Yes the dynamics really change when in a relationship one stops drinking and makes big changes in their life. Also increase your choices. Alanon is good. Enjoy your sober Easter. Sobriety gives you back your power.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 months ago

    Ps What career are you looking at changing to. Enjoy your Easter too.

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