• truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 day ago

    Hi @TipsyToeGal,
    so great to see you here. I had wondered where you were and have thought of you often. A beautiful post.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 day ago

    Its early days for you and congratulations on day 4. Each day will grow your sober muscle. You are mending physically and its a time to rest and be kind to yourself. You will eventually get your motivation back. Hang aroound here. There’s so much living support and wisdom here.

  • truthangel posted an update 1 day ago

    Hi all you brave sober and sobering up warriors. Its 7 months now. I’m going through a lot of grief and overwhelmed with sadness and hurt. I wouldn’t trade those 7 months for a drink. No way. I have faith that it will get better and I will grow. I’m in the wrong job. i realised that I am way too sensitive to be seeing the stuff I see as a mental health support worker and I just can’t have unconditional regard for all the clients. A couple of them disgust me…. inappropriate sexual speech and perverted behaviours mostly. The place has a huge staff turnover and is understaffed. I will be next to go when I find work that is more suitable. Its back breaking work.
    Still getting through my studio work at fashion school and on the last garment and have to go in on such a beautiful day. I’ve lost my student ID card after getting into the building yesterday. I must have fallen out of my hand and I back tracked and It didn’t show up. I think someone picked it up. So I have to go to a classmates place and borrow hers and I hope to manage cutting and making the last garment today. Yesterdays effort just didn’t work out. The fabric was too challenging. Annoying. I so want to stay at home and go down to a beach side cafe on a lime scooter. However, I’m so close to the finish line and I will have time to write my report on the critical making of my designs and the research reading I need to do. Also I have to do a photo shoot and present on my presentation. I have the final week off from work to relax and prepare. Then its all hands to the pump to find another job and also start designing and making to sell. I have 7 months until I return to do my finale collection next year.
    Its been a huge personal cost to do this study. I moved to another city that has a top design school in NZ and it has an international reputation. It also got me away from some very toxic people in my family and my kid’s father. I have a broken relationship with my daughter. I put it down to my…[Read more]

    • hello, @truthangel, as always good to hear from you. HSPs are probably highly creative as well. yes, we are accepting toxins as though it is just the way it is. agreed on the sugar, agreed on the amazon, argh. anyway, best to you, glad to hear have made it to the seven month mark. what a great accomplishment. in regard to too late. never. it just is never too late. i remember thinking, i would not quit drinking because life was over anyway and what more could i do, well, i could live and i could try to live out my dreams and I am, you are. be well.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 week, 2 days ago

    Hi @morgan
    it’s lovely to know you are thinking about me. I’m hanging in there with my studies and will be presenting my fashion collection on 20th September then I will only have 2 papers to do next year. I don’t have to be at work until next tuesday so I am working on getting my final 2 pieces cut and start sewing. I’ve made a jacket and 2 dresses as part of my collection and have a pair of jeans and a top to go under the jacket to do and then I have a photo shoot to do and a 2000 word report on my professional practice. I had a checkpoint with my tutors 3 weeks ago and it went well. They loved what I was doing and one of the tutors suggested what I should add to my presentation to get an A. The head of the fashion school came into the studio later to commend me on my work . She said it was so beautiful. I was quite surprised as I am very critical of my work and worry that it is far from good enough. The job is full on and we’re under staffed because of bugs and people falling of their bicycles and having to go on ACC. I yearn for some me time. I’ve had to manage anxiety and was off meds for a while. I have gone back to them as I have no one to catch me if I fall and have to keep a roof over my head. I’m trying on with a dopamine antagonist. Weight loss is one of the side effects and I am certainly not craving the sugar as much and not wanting to eat as much. Also I am feeling more focused where as my mind would wonder all over the place and i previously found it hard to stay on task. It makes a big difference to my concentration.
    Its 7 months without a drink now. I’ve been through some very rough patches and I’m glad I stayed AF. I used alcohol to relieve my anxiety and with out it my anxiety has been in full bloom and I’ve been quite emotional.
    I’m working through a lot of grief and cPTSD. I have found out that I have emotional flash backs.
    Still working with high needs people with mental health challenges. I worked at another service last week and I…[Read more]

    • What a wonderful informative post. Great awareness. Very best luck with your creative assignment xxx

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 1 day ago

    Thank you @Aria

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 1 day ago

    Thank you. Good to hear from you too @kitten

  • Still alcohol free and over the 6 month mark. In the thick of it with studies. Deadline is Sept 20th to finish and I come back next year to finish my degree. I am very tired and crave more me time. I’m either at work, study or sleeping and my flat is a mess. Its a small place and takes little to make it look cluttered. Its just keep going and don’t drink. I couldn’t do it drinking. I think I would break down. I am turning to a counselor for support through all this. Work is the most stressful and I have triggers at work due to being bullied in a past job. I worry constantly about making mistakes and losing my job. Need it for now but as soon as I have finished my studies for the year I’m looking for another job. What I am doing is hard backbreaking emotionally draining work as a mental health support worker. the clients are intensive and the stupid thing is that their accommodation is in flats and they just can’t manage. The places get dirty very quickly and I don’t want to be there in the summer because of the blow flies and you know what that leaves. I have a fly phobia and will vomit on the spot and possibly faint. So I have to be out of there. Why these people live in flats is ridiculous. Its a big ask to expect these people to manage. supporting them to clean their room would be much easier than a whole flat. Some get help with cares and cleaning from an outside agency while a dude who is nearly blind is expected to manage without help. And some of the staff are not nice people to work with. So we press on.
    Arohanui

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 2 days ago

    I love your honesty. although you are experiencing the benefits of being sober you share the dips in the journey I know so well over the last 6 months for me. I’ve been without the anesthetic and those dips into deep entrenched fear leave me holding on because I don’t want to start all over again. I tell myself that I am building my sober muscle. I listen to one of my workmates planning her drinking weekend and then hear her description of feeling like shit because she got wasted last weekend. So glad that’s not in my bag anymore. I’ve been told by a mental health professional that it takes about 2 years for the emotions to settle. That’s why I don’t want to call into the bottle shop. I’m quarter the way through the emotional roller coaster and getting through it one day at a time. Waking up without the hangovers doesn’t get old. You are doing great.

    • Kia kaha stay strong . 6 months is an incredible feat! I agree with everything you are saying! Thank you for sharing about the 2 years . I often wonder when and if it settles 🙄😂

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month ago

    well done you. The mildly inebriated babble is too much I agree. You got to see things you would otherwise not if you drank.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month ago

    Hey I was the same as you. Could go with out it. Drank very moderately when out because I didn’t like the idea of being out of control. I found it made me anxious and depressed the next day and it took less and less to have that effect on me. What I tried to escape from and seek relief only magnified in the morning. i am AF now and having to deal with the anxiety and PTSD I tried to suppress. And the stuff is a poisonous carcinogen that causes more strife than the drugs the media and legislators go on about. Not that I think drugs are a better option. Addiction subtracts, not add to your life. Makes you do shit you normally never do to get that fix. So many people in pain.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month ago

    Funny. Welcome.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month ago

    Would only complicate things for me…like wasting the rest of the wine down the sink. Never really cooked much with it. Drank it in stead. No point in adding to my cooking now.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month ago

    will consider it if I can get the time off and its after mid September,

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month ago

    Its def better without the booze. Sounds like you’ve turned in a positive direction and experiencing the benefits in short time

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month ago

    I remember my son’s sleepovers. Made me smile. My son has given me much joy and kept me going. Don’t have much contact these days. He is busy in his studies, work and social life. I find guys just don’t do the contact thing like the daughters.
    Its day 188 today and that’s thanks to the support and inspiring stories here, Thank you for starting this. I’m looking forward to your new book. My only wish is to go back in time and not drink when I was bringing up my kids. Can’t get that back. All I can do is heal and move forward.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month ago

    There are usually other poisons from my experience that we need to let go ….. sometimes it’s people

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month ago

    Welcome. There is a lot of love and support here.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month ago

    Welcome. You will find a lot of support and wisdom here

  • truthangel posted an update 1 month ago

    Kiaora to all you sober and sobering fellow warriors. I haven’t been here for 3 weeks or so. I am 188 days today and there have been some bloody tough ones among them. Not one has been worthy of a drink. It seems with each day I go AF I want to hold on to that day and total AF. I don’t think I would come back from the brink if I had a drink that would metastasise into many drinks and a morning after that would be my greatest nightmare. I am feeling every painful feeling these days. I feel a lot of rage and anxiety that a few drinks would anaethesise in the evenings. The number of drinks was small like 2-3 usually with a couple of nights where I would settle into my chair and have a bottle of wine in front of Netflix. But the morning after all those fears and anxieties would come down on me like rocks and mud from a landslide. It was a crap hole existance. In sobriety I’ve felt rage towards my children’s narcissist father. I’ve wanted catch a plane to his city to do him harm but my belief in earning a big karmic debt and fear of getting caught and locked up have been my deterrents, not because its the wrong thing to do. I have felt like a nothing, fucked and damage. My fear of failure has scratched my flesh like a honey badger and my heart has been reduced to a swinging brick. I have never felt exhaustion like it. I have engaged in full time work supporting people at the most intense end of mental illness. Some of those people it was drug induced psychosis and schizophrenia. At my lowest I have asked myself how bad can things get and I think of my clients and send them love and give them respect. I know I will get better.
    Still chugging away in the studio part time and have had some bullying from one of the tutors about my deadlines that she agreed on in the first place. She is the co-ordinator of Year 3 of the fashion degree I am working towards. I have as a result had a fear that she will cut the rug from under my feet and bring the deadline forward. In…[Read more]

    • Well, you rock truthangel. What an exceptional honest piece of writing. I could read this again and again for it’s rawness and determination. Arohanui and kia kaha👌

    • Aria replied 1 month ago

      @truthangel you have a lot going on for you. I have required the support of antidepressants at times and I have been grateful to have had them. My partner has had severe depression and anxiety and is back leading a normal life after taking antidepressants. I am so grateful for these medications. Take care and be kind to yourself. Xx

    • @truthangel, love your seeking and continue to move along in your journey, great post, be well.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    I’m not blaming being sober. It’s too important. It’s the night shifts and I’ve given my notice. It’s life that’s got too hard and alcohol would only make things worse. Sober is the only thing I have going for me.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Thank you. It takes 2 days to recover from 2 night shifts. That’s 4 a fortnight and hope to get them replaced with casual. The nights just fuck me over and I’ve been tearful on and off yesterday. I have to complete my fashion collection and present it before mid September and being tired makes me more likely to make careless mistakes. It’s my passion and I’m not enjoying it right now. I barely get time to do my own cares. If I carry on with the weekend night shifts I risk losing my sobriety. Staying AF is the glue holding everything else together.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    No plans to drink through the exhaustion

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    There is no plan to drink. It’s the fulltime work which includes night shifts over the weekend and my studies. I’m exhausted and didn’t sleep well after last nights shift. I’ve just given notice to let go the night shift and accept day time and afternoon casual work instead. I have a long term permanent roll that’s 5 days a fortnight and just need 3-4 casual shifts to replace nights. There are always heaps of shifts going with this organisation. Doctor wants me to quit the nights. They just don’t agree with me.

  • 167 days. Will hit 6 month mark in 2 weeks

  • Shouldn’t be feeling so miserable sober. Got an appointment with CMHS on Tuesday. I can’t go on roughing it out alone. Just want to cry all the time and have no energy. It’s all got too fucking hard.

    • Hoping you can find peace and relief @truthangel. I don’t know what the answer is but I do know that alcohol isn’t it. 6 months AF is a hell of an achievement! Peace xxxx

    • Hi @truthangel. 6 months is an epic achievement. I’m sorry that you’re not feeling well. Good idea to have yourself checked out. Could be something very simple that helps you turn the corner – but drinking definitely won’t help. Sending strength and good wishes to you.

      • There is no plan to drink. It’s the fulltime work which includes night shifts over the weekend and my studies. I’m exhausted and didn’t sleep well after last nights shift. I’ve just given notice to let go the night shift and accept day time and afternoon casual work instead. I have a long term permanent roll that’s 5 days a fortnight and just need 3-4 casual shifts to replace nights. There are always heaps of shifts going with this organisation. Doctor wants me to quit the nights. They just don’t agree with me.

    • From your previous post, it sounds like lack of sleep and night shifts are the problem @truthangel. I agree with @stevef…..sobriety is not the problem. Things would actually be harder with alcohol. Take care of yourself!

      • I’m not blaming being sober. It’s too important. It’s the night shifts and I’ve given my notice. It’s life that’s got too hard and alcohol would only make things worse. Sober is the only thing I have going for me.

      • Sorry I read that wrong. Hang in there……i hope things get easier soon!

  • Got another night shift to do. Absolutely hate it. It’s lonely and my mind and body are doing crazy things. Can’t sleep more than 2 hours. Tearful, nausea, anxiety over the ceiling and disorientation. It’s extremely lonely. I’ve piled on weight and ageing fast.Putting in my resignation from night shift tonight when I get in.

    • Sounds like resignation is a great move for your wellbeing. You are so close to 6 months sober, this is a difficult time but hold on to pride in your sobriety because it is no small feat.

    • Wow. Just replied to your first post before I found this one. Working that night shift might totally be screwing with your whole metabolism – especially now while your body and mind are healing from alcohol. (Personally, I could never be awake at night and sleep during the day!) Humans are not nocturnal – we need regular sunlight and sleep – in that order. Great that you’re quitting that. Good luck on Tuesday. I hope you feel better – and betting you will. Hang in there.

      • Thank you. It takes 2 days to recover from 2 night shifts. That’s 4 a fortnight and hope to get them replaced with casual. The nights just fuck me over and I’ve been tearful on and off yesterday. I have to complete my fashion collection and present it before mid September and being tired makes me more likely to make careless mistakes. It’s my passion and I’m not enjoying it right now. I barely get time to do my own cares. If I carry on with the weekend night shifts I risk losing my sobriety. Staying AF is the glue holding everything else together.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Welcome

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Sleep well. You got to bed sober

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    I would see your doctor and get your detox monitored by professionals due to your above mentioned health risks.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Oh for the novelty of sober Saturdays.

  • Hi peeps
    I’m on night shift right now. Not much happening. Still AF. Very tired but just have to keep going. End of 1st semester and my fellow students are on holiday for 3 weeks while I’m working PT and still working in the studio while I can. Not much else to share. It’s all work and no time for play. Otherwise sleeping. All for an interesting life sober. Peace out.

  • truthangel posted an update 2 months ago

    Hi warrior peeps. $1380 better off. 161 days sober. Have Spent the 1380.00 on fabric though on fabric being a fashion student and also planning to make and sell some of my designs. I honestly don’t know how I’ve stayed AF this long. Have been dealing with PTSD flare up. Going to work is a big trigger for me because of being bullied in a job a few years ago and having a breakdown and having to leave because of that. I have anxiety about keeping my job and never feel secure in life. It all gets too much at times and I get very tired. I took a mental health sickie over the weekend from 2 awake night shifts. I find it very hard on me, actually doing my head in. I really don’t like the boss in that branch. He is a pompous prick. Last week he wrote a very lengthy email to the staff. He went on about looking at our persona; cell phones on the job and to turn them off, put them away. He looks on tinder on his all the time. Also he mentioned that he has heard some disturbing things about some staff on the rumour mill and told us to bring it to him and that hes approachable. I was triggered straight away. Backstabbing….scarey and i just don’t teust anyone. He is not approachable. I have been given 5 shifts a fortnight for a one year fixed term during the day in another department which has more intensive client needs but the team are more cohesive and everyone there vents unlike the other place. I have decided to give my notice for the night shifts as they are doing my head in. I just cant think straight and feel unsafe on my own.. Even though they are permanent those hours cost me another 48 recovering. My doctor and therapist have advised me to quit those shifts. I spent my sickie weekend in the studio making a prototype jacket in vinyl which has an amphibious alien aesthetic and pland to make the final one in this a a mix of mock crocodile vinyl and wool. I have to complete it today. Woke up at 10am this morning.
    Also, I’ve been managing without meds and its…[Read more]

    • JM replied 2 months ago

      You’re very strong, truthangel. Your designs sound really cool. Staying sober is the best thing to do when life gets tough. Or when it’s easier. 🌈

    • Hey truthangel, I also have ptsd and can relate to the feeling of anxiety. Your boss sounds like an uptight dick and you should be proud of yourself for accomplishing so much. I love fashion too but couldn’t create it, that takes talent. ;p Focus on that and your strengths, I know it’s hard but you sound like a hardworking person and if you can deal with all of that, then I know you can make it through. 🙂 I’m only on day 6 so you’re wayy ahead of me and that’s great.

  • BTW Day 153

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 months, 1 week ago

    I really hear you and feel for what you are going through. I have exactly the same with my daughter. It does hurt. We can’t turn back time unfortunately.

  • Its been a few weeks since I was here last. Life has been all work and no play. Just don’t have any time to play and when I’m not working or studying I’m sleeping. Have been through a rough patch with my mental health but am still AF. Bloody miracle that. In the last few days the wine witch has been whispering in my ear…like you didn’t drink through that rough patch so you never had a booze problem, You felt worse that when you were drinking so go figure…one or 2 beers wonr hurt after work tonight blah blah blah. I had anxiety 10 times woese than when I drank. I had started medication that effected me really bad. I felt irritable, aggressive, enjoying violent movies when I normally didn’t, my driving wnt to shit with a couple of close calls and fear like nothing I had before. I wanted to check out of this life 24/7 and just hated myself. In the end I ditched the medication and I’m going to tough it out. Started taking Go Health magnesium sleep which has besides magnesium. tart cherry extract and 5 http and this stuff really helps. I’m over having my brain fucked over on pharmaceuticals. May work for some but not me. So being alcohol free was not giving me the happiness I was expecting but the alternative would be worse….wouldn’t know where the hell I end up. With my new employer I have team mates which is much better than working sole charge, Never reallised how much connection I was missing out on my last job. The CEO was not happy I was looking and asked for my resignation. I was about to start my new job and decided to finish my final year at fashion school over 2 year which I experienced big grief over because I wasn’t going to be graduating with my classmates at end of year and no matter that my intellect told me going part time e
    was the best decision I felt a terrible sense of failure, shame and fear. I got no messages of good luck from my previous employer while I finished my notice. That really hurt. Didn’t really know any one well when I was…[Read more]

    • Ooh yay for getting breath tested, a little bonus to enjoy 😊👍🏼

    • Sounds like you are doing amazing with your sobriety with so much going on, try not to feel bad about going part time with your study, you are heading towards your goal and that is all that matters!

    • good morning, @truthangel, remember it is not a race to the finish line because . . . well. . . there really is no finish line. You get your goal and then you have another goal, and then you get that goal and well. . . guess what there is another one. So, might as well enjoy the journey. Sounds like your paying attention to your mental health and really, just pay attention, make your tweaks and slowly but surely figure it out and then what. . . your mind chemistry changes and you have to figure it out again? So connection is great, gratitude from others is great, but it doesn’t always come, yes, take health and strength and enjoy your journey, my friend, you sound like you are doing great. imo.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 months, 3 weeks ago

    Sound like he has depression. In men it seems to manifest in irritability and angry out bursts. Its a dark world they are stuck in and don’t realise it and go get help. So glad I don’t have to live with that anymore. Its hard liveing with me and my body acting out from trauma by way of panic and totally irrational fears and not drinking through this. I lose my shit when I’m alone. Havn’t made a public display of it yet but lost it in counselling last week.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 months, 3 weeks ago

    I needed to read that. i have felt a sense of failure for feeling like shit and struggling when I’ve been AF for 139 days. I can start by accepting my RBF today and going into the studio to work on my fashion collection before I go to work at 10.30 tonight.

  • i can”t type a sentence here without the cursor moving backwards into a space in a previous sentence. didnt this time.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 months, 3 weeks ago

    Awesome you @malibustacey. You must be super proud. Its a huge milestone to get through that first year.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 months, 3 weeks ago

    I’m over dealing with shit. It never ends.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 months, 3 weeks ago

    Yes it’s bloody awful isn’t it.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 months, 3 weeks ago

    What you say is helpful. It’s more than fucking head shit isn’t it. Anyone that makes that assumption obviously haven’t been there and know diddly squat. It’s all feeling and panic an the thoughts that follow is trying to make some sense of this surreal and bizaar stuff. My head has a very rational view against what’s happening. The body and emotions just won’t shut the fuck up no matter how much rational logic an positive thinking I throw at it

    • Yes, and we can end up with a real sense of failure or disenfranchisement when the mental-field tools that seem to work for others don’t seem to work for us. I do’t know if you’ve read any books about trauma? The Body Keeps The Score is good on this stuff. Helped me feel a lot more normal to understand it.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 months, 3 weeks ago

    I never had cravings and I don’t know what that feels like. I just wanted out of waking up with anxiety and panic so figured out it would be best to quit. I didn’t drink a lot but had 2 or 3 regularly everyday but the danger was drinking alone to relieve the loneliness of being shit at connecting and bonding. Hard when you hate yourself and think your shit because that’s what the haters said and I believed them and just became a target for emotional abuse. Might as well get a bullseye tattooed on my forehead.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 months, 3 weeks ago

    I’m glad I don’t put poison into my system. I’m more disappointed that I’m not happy and chirpy like what appears to be others. I haven’t had much time between study and full time work to do anything other than sleep. After managing personal cares and preparing and eating meals, housework and shopping I have little else left. I’ve reached out to a friend and I was blown away with how she received it and her support. When I was low in the past and didn’t want to live anymore I reached out to a friend and she yelled down the phone to get myself off to ED and a few days later she sent me an email telling me that telling her about how it was for me plus using the s word was very inconsiderate of me and don’t ever do that again. I never replied. I felt so ashamed and a complete dick. Just thought I should go outside and eat worms. I took the advice of my counsellor to reach out to this friend today. However I wouldn’t mind some weed at the moment. But drink, no. As little as 3 drinks a week make you a prime candidate for colorectal cancer. Because it’s poisonous. Am exploring going to some yoga classes and doing some Cbt. But meds no fucking way. I know enough working in mental health and addictions what that shit does to people. You can never get better on them. They just mask symptoms. I would be swapping one poison for another. And I don’t think weed is a poison in the same way so I’m not open to a lecture on that. It’s one thing I’ve been very moderate with. My sister is going to have a biopsy to check for breast cancer as she found a lump and her Mamo came back showing something. I need to be in a safe place to let my anger out. There aren’t any therapists that use psychodrama in their practice in this town.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 months, 3 weeks ago

    Fuck the meds and docs. The meds make me irritable and that s feeling. Those meds only mask symptoms. Going on the Same and L-theanine instead. Couldn’t make things worse. If I can quit booze I can quit the pharmaceuticals. They actually do permanent cognitive damage. Probably need a good fuck.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 months, 3 weeks ago

    its deep in my gut not my head. all the positive thinking in the world doesn’t change to deep down in the gut feeling.

    • Fuck the meds and docs. The meds make me irritable and that s feeling. Those meds only mask symptoms. Going on the Same and L-theanine instead. Couldn’t make things worse. If I can quit booze I can quit the pharmaceuticals. They actually do permanent cognitive damage. Probably need a good fuck.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 2 months, 3 weeks ago

    Easy peezi

  • 138 days AF. Don’t know how I haven’t picked up yet. I feel much worse than I did when I was drinking. Huge sense of doom that something really bad is about to happen.

    • Congrats on such a great day count. Sounds crazy to be hanging around waiting for something bad to happen eh? Why don’t you try flipping that thought into something amazing is just around the corner! Get out of your head and go for a walk or do some hard out exercise….

    • that sounds tough truth angel … have you talked to your doc about your mood? sounds pretty low and depressed to me?

      agree with Ro that deliberately choosing positive thoughts and exercise can help … but if you’re suffering with depression you might need someone to talk to and maybe even some meds …

      you’re a total legend for staying alcohol free this long without feeling any better (or even worse) than you did before. truth is that our alcohol use can cover up mental health problems we weren’t even really aware of

      just really encourage you to talk to a health professional and see if you can get some help. you deserve to feel better and to be able to see some light at the end of the tunnel xxx

      • its deep in my gut not my head. all the positive thinking in the world doesn’t change to deep down in the gut feeling.

        • Fuck the meds and docs. The meds make me irritable and that s feeling. Those meds only mask symptoms. Going on the Same and L-theanine instead. Couldn’t make things worse. If I can quit booze I can quit the pharmaceuticals. They actually do permanent cognitive damage. Probably need a good fuck.

    • Sounds like something you’ve been dragging around inside for awhile but just haven’t gotten around to dealing with yet?

    • 138 days is amazing, go you!
      If you’re not willing to try meds, which is very understandable and your good right (!) maybe suss out CBT – cognitive behavioral therapy combined with regular exercise. It’s proven (clinically, not some self-help hoax kitchen theory) to be just as a effective as meds for mild to moderate depression. In any case, having a mental healthcare provider you trust and have good rapport with can do wonders.

      I can relate to what you wrote about having a gut feeling something bad is about to happen. My anxiety convinces me of that every.single.day. It is exhausting.
      I tried Xanax but it felt awful and for now back to therapy and exercise only.

      xxoxxo

    • Got worse for me AF too. In fact it really ramped up when I was studying in my late 40’s & working too. I eventually came to understand it was a sign I was pushed past my limit, but was still non-plussed about what to do as I wanted to complete the study. Rock & hard place.
      These are the joys of life with ptsd I think aye? Carrying around an embodied, visceral sense of dread. It’s not necessarily thoughts although it might be thoughts too.
      I hear ya.

      • What you say is helpful. It’s more than fucking head shit isn’t it. Anyone that makes that assumption obviously haven’t been there and know diddly squat. It’s all feeling and panic an the thoughts that follow is trying to make some sense of this surreal and bizaar stuff. My head has a very rational view against what’s happening. The body and emotions just won’t shut the fuck up no matter how much rational logic an positive thinking I throw at it

        • Yes, and we can end up with a real sense of failure or disenfranchisement when the mental-field tools that seem to work for others don’t seem to work for us. I do’t know if you’ve read any books about trauma? The Body Keeps The Score is good on this stuff. Helped me feel a lot more normal to understand it.

    • Like your humour @Truthangel. A friend of mine used to say about an up tight mutual friend “she needs a bottle of vodka and good fuck!” haha. Could it be possible that you are a wee bit angry at letting the booze go? It is quite an enormous change in lifestyle and everything is pretty hard for a while, trying to find out who we are without our usual props. It’s just a random thought, but if you are preoccupied with feeling like shit and kind of miserable and lost, then there won’t be room to allow the good stuff in. The good stuff is subtle and easily missed. Small things like brighter eyes, better skin, shinier hair, better sleep (though that took years for me), tasting food better, having more energy, beng more organised, getting shit done. Thesethings in themselves can make us feel happy and quite pleased and proud of ourselves. How about you give yourself this weekend to just try and let some of the light in, and see if you can feel a deep down pride in yourself for sticking with this sober gig for 138 days. YOu are awesome. You won’t always feel this way. So I would be trying to fix these low feelings myself, then only if that doesn’t work, try another avenue. I always find a good comedy shifts my mood. I might be a bit shallow but it seems to work for me, then I build on that. HOpe you feel better soon xoxo

      • I’m glad I don’t put poison into my system. I’m more disappointed that I’m not happy and chirpy like what appears to be others. I haven’t had much time between study and full time work to do anything other than sleep. After managing personal cares and preparing and eating meals, housework and shopping I have little else left. I’ve reached out to a friend and I was blown away with how she received it and her support. When I was low in the past and didn’t want to live anymore I reached out to a friend and she yelled down the phone to get myself off to ED and a few days later she sent me an email telling me that telling her about how it was for me plus using the s word was very inconsiderate of me and don’t ever do that again. I never replied. I felt so ashamed and a complete dick. Just thought I should go outside and eat worms. I took the advice of my counsellor to reach out to this friend today. However I wouldn’t mind some weed at the moment. But drink, no. As little as 3 drinks a week make you a prime candidate for colorectal cancer. Because it’s poisonous. Am exploring going to some yoga classes and doing some Cbt. But meds no fucking way. I know enough working in mental health and addictions what that shit does to people. You can never get better on them. They just mask symptoms. I would be swapping one poison for another. And I don’t think weed is a poison in the same way so I’m not open to a lecture on that. It’s one thing I’ve been very moderate with. My sister is going to have a biopsy to check for breast cancer as she found a lump and her Mamo came back showing something. I need to be in a safe place to let my anger out. There aren’t any therapists that use psychodrama in their practice in this town.

    • hey, @truthangel – i remember after i got through intense cravings, i just really felt nothing of anything. couldn’t say i was depressed, couldn’t say i wasn’t. i also saw through sober eyes all that i had let slide when i was drunk all the time. this gave me a feeling of impending doom as in i need to ….. so much. i agree with everyone here, exercise may be the ticket, as hard as it may seem, just a walk around the block, maybe a walk through the mall if it is cold, who knows. keep on it, look for the good days and let us know.

      • I never had cravings and I don’t know what that feels like. I just wanted out of waking up with anxiety and panic so figured out it would be best to quit. I didn’t drink a lot but had 2 or 3 regularly everyday but the danger was drinking alone to relieve the loneliness of being shit at connecting and bonding. Hard when you hate yourself and think your shit because that’s what the haters said and I believed them and just became a target for emotional abuse. Might as well get a bullseye tattooed on my forehead.

    • I hate that feeling @truthangel. I honestly exercise, eat healthy, do yoga and take really good care of myself during those times. And when I do this without judging myself I come out of it….sometimes depression is physical and we need a bit of health – no shame in that. Do seek medical attention if you feel it’s not dissipating and keep up positive self talk. xoxo

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 3 months ago

    Her post was very touching. I agree she is a lamplighter and that’s possible for the rest of us who have been abused in childhood and that’s likely a big majority here. Humanity needs more lamplighters.

  • truthangel posted a new activity comment 3 months ago

    I don’t think forgiveness can be turned on. I’ve turned it on but a the expense of burying the pain alive. It comes out inevitably in ways that hurt us and eventually the people around us.

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