Alcohol has been part of my life since the age of 14, when the made the life changing (and ultimately devastating) discovery that a few drinks made me feel accepted and happy and bullet proof. I managed to ignore the increasing horrendous side effects - the black outs, the shame, the fears for my health, the stupid decisions and the missed opportunities - for decades. I'm still struggling to be AF but I know I need to keep trying.
I hate Facebook 🙁 Just saw photos of my old group of friends, the ones I’d had since my kids were little, all sitting around in the sun with drinks and nibbles and with each OTHER and it hurts like fuck, frankly. Rejection. Such grief. Immense sadness. Fuck. I thought I was over this. It just keeps hurting, and the ‘you’re not good enough’ voice gets really really loud. Because, on the evidence, I’m NOT. And just like that, I’m five again. And seven. And eleven. And thirteen. And I’m the odd one out, the weird kid. And then I discover how to be popular and cool and how to feel loved – unfortunately, in the worst possible way. And a drinking problem is born. Honestly, its hard not to have a drink, to ‘drown’ out this sadness and loss. But that isn’t being a friend to myself. I’m just going to cry like a seven year old girl for a bit and then get on with things again. 🙁
Aw @trace it’s hurts aye , I’m definately left out of catch ups and drink sessions these days and sometimes it’s hurts and other times I have Jomo (joy of missing out) just know you’re doing the right thing xxx
Ever thought about getting off Facebook? You know it’s just what they want you to see and not exactly ‘real’. Did they also have the pics of the headaches and bruises and the domestic violence? Don’t torture yourself by looking at it. That’s my two cents @trace
thanks @Ro – unfortunately there is more to it, I ‘fell’ out with one of the group, a best friend actually, and then stood back out of respect, I thought, to not make things awkward but as it turns out, none of them were really friends I guess because yeah, my phones not ringing anymore. As for the drinks thing, they are a mixed group of normies and people who aren’t but are still surviving. Am I better off without the group? Yes, on many levels. But fuck, I’m too old for this shit. I should get off Facebook. It really does fuck with my head. xx
Hey @trace I got off Facebook a few months before I stopped drinking-it was a great move, but I got off mostly cos I’d get pissed every night and post the same songs over and over lol. How about you stay on and unfriend them so you can keep in touch with your real friends and family? Shame about the falling out-christ it’s not fucking intermediate- sounds as though you’re well shot of them. You certainly find out who your real pals are when the shit hits the fan. If I was you I’d feel sorry for them cos they are missing out on having quality time with a wonderful human bean 🙂
Urrggghhhh facebook… its a bit like booze… life is just better without it… in my opinion :-). ps that group of people you were given the facebook happy life snapshot of (which is just a single moment in time)… well I was sitting next to just such a group at the pool the other day while little miss was attending a birthday party, and I say next to because I was also not included in that group, and the conversation centered around headaches and hangovers… like it was an achievement, and you know what, although it was upsetting to be so blatantly excluded I was also pretty chuffed that I couldn’t actually contribute anything (even if they had bothered to include me) to that conversation… its really just a wasted day! It is upsetting and hurtful to be excluded… super big hugs, take a break from facebook… or fakebook as I heard it referred to the other day xxx
Everyone is the weird one, @trace. It seems that alcohol brings us down to our dumbest common denominator so that we don’t have to make the actual effort to truly get to know each other. There’s a group of ladies sitting next to me in my breakfast cafe, all discussing family and health. It’s early morning and no-one is drinking. Happiness is not dependant on alcohol – alcohol just simulates happiness, I think.
I go, why don’t you go? I went and caught up with everyone and brought my pelligrino and just had a really good time. Some got drunk and some didn’t, I left and drove home, my face looking still fresh in the mirror at the end of the party, and no worry what I did or said that wasn’t cool. I think you need to not stay home and feel left out. I am not interested in over night drunk fests but why not some catch up? @Trace.
@trace, the other night I finally replied to an email from a friend I fell out with over a year ago, and it hurt so much. It hurts so much to fall out with old friends. Her email was tender and so was mine, but contact; communicating at all means being in that pain. Things are not mended and I…feel my pride and hurt still. Afterwards I had a big cry, the sort that leaves you weak and bruised-feeling and infinitely sad. I don’t know about this: ‘a real friend wouldn’t do [insert whatever]’ thing, it doesn’t really work for me. Real friends; good friends fall out. It’s really hard and painful. It’s hard to make up again. How devastating that your friends seem able to do without you so easily – I bet it’s not easy for them though. It’s so painful trying to find somewhere to belong. I was talking with an old friend recently about groups of friends. We both have old groups of friends. We were talking about how the rules get established really quickly in a group, and then are very hard to change. In my old group, there is someone who always wants to dominate things, always needs to shut me down, challenge what I say, dismiss me. I love her but obviously I don’t like that much, and I am too old to put up with it anymore. Our attempts as a group to change that dynamic haven’t worked, so the group has drifted apart. A revelation for me was being told that all relationships have breaks. It’s how we mend things that matters. I feel the truth of it. Oh the mending is SO HARD! I think sometimes that when a dynamic has been hard to change, the rift is needed to give room for something that needs room. Some part of us or the other. Something is not working and needs to break before it can be mended into a different, more inclusive shape. That’s what had happened with the friend I’d fallen out with anyway. I mean, I could and do describe it as a falling out, because it hurts like hell. There’s another wise part of me that sees how there was something too limiting, too stuck in our attachment and it needed to shift. Now it has. Time needed to pass before I could get past the hurt enough to see this. So perhaps time needs to pass for you too, idk. Meanwhile I send much love dear Trace, I’d be pretty chuffed with myself if you were my friend I think. You seem to me like a wonderful, warm, interesting, loveable person. xxx
@liberty – every word you said is spot on and I simply cannot thank you enough for this reply, for its wisdom and warmth. I’m going to save it, and hold on to it for strength. I am so grateful to you and for the friendship in this place – don’t quite have the words to express xxxx
Hey @Liberty – just wanted to tell you I am coming back to this reply of yours time and time again…and it is really saving me. I haven’t been able to get over this issue for so long, and your words just bring balm to my soul. So….Just in case you ever doubt how important you are, and what you have to give (I’m sure you don’t, but just in case)..your words have given me something to hang on to. A way to understand what is happening. Hope. Priceless. I am chuffed you are my friend. I am chuffed to have access to such wisdom and warmth xoxo
I doubt I have anything to offer on a daily basis @trace so I’m moved to know this has been helpful. I have habitually punished myself so much for falling out with friends (even though it takes both parties) and in my shame & confusion, pulled myself away, hoping they’d miss me so much they’d reach in and rescue me. I try not to do a number on myself anymore, because, I just can’t afford it anymore, I really can’t. I’ve had to learn to start rescuing myself. It was hellish at first but I slowly got better at it. I’m still learning. I’ll be learning for the rest of my days. Mending things is a whole other ballgame. I’m not good at it. Dear Trace, friendships are so….we don’t give them the language that reflects the major role of them in our lives I think. I’ve been reflecting since I wrote that post to you, it stirred things up. The old group of friends I have; we grew up together, we know each others’ families. We went through everything together. When there is a family funeral for one, we all show up. We are the only ones now that know what our childhoods were like. We share the history of how we became who we are. So to have this group drift apart…it’s been a massive loss for us all, a confusing, painful shift in identity. The grief is ongoing. But something had to grow, it had become too rigid. The rules we functioned by were no longer enabling us to be the selves we needed to be. That became just unsustainable. And the thing is, we have still have ties. I could let the grief and abandonment blind me to that. I used to blow things up, to avoid others rejecting me. I don’t do that anymore. It’s still hard to being myself back in. Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold. I think perhaps this is life, now that I’m in my 5th decade. These ups and downs, these rhythms. I think of the story of The Little Prince, that one day we will lose everyone we’ve cared about. What can prepare us for such grief? What matters, in the face of it? Perhaps the trick is to just hang in there and trust there is still something. Something remains. To have some faith about what matters to us, to value it. To value that we care, we care! To have some faith in friendships, because they are truly worth it. Whether both parties can be there in it or not; whether it seems all blown to shit or not. Because the alternative is unbearable. I hope so anyway. Some days it’s the only trick I have. I’ve gone off on one here. Crikey. I’m chuffed you are my friend too. Maybe we’ll meet one day. 🙂 xx