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  • TipsyToeGal posted an update 1 month, 1 week ago

    Day 1.

    🙁

    That glass of wine you had 2 weeks ago in public with a friend….. that you thought meant nothing. It does.

    I am so stupid sometimes. I had awoken the beast again….

    And this past 3 days I listened to it. Drinking something I actually never had before! Vodka. I saw someone post something on fb last week talking about cranberry juice and vodka with lime bubbly water. And it stuck in my head. I even had a bit of blacking out last night…. with my daughters here (26 and 21). I “looked” awake and functional according to them, but my memories of the night are mostly not there. Even my brother coming over and having me sign an important document related to my father’s estate. He told me a lot of things about it but I don’t remember most of it. I just signed it. I don’t even have a raging hangover to punish myself with. Just thirsty and craving carbs. Sigh.

    I do not consider this a slip. It is a fall. So day count is reset. I am so ashamed. 223 days gone. Plus almost 9 months before that…..I know they’re not really “gone” but man I want to make that one year mark!!! I’ve been at this since 2016 for petes sake!

    The initial trigger was obviously that “innocent 1 glass of wine” 2 weeks ago. But also the stress of the investigation involving crazy-narc man in Oregon and also being diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Also, yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of when I went out to Oregon…… Triggers. Not excuses. I know.

    I don’t feel I’ve been trying to “cover up” the pain.. man, I’ve cried more tears and felt more feelings in this past year than I ever have! I think I just feel really alone. I’m not used to this. Plus even though its been 7 months, the experiences I had in Oregon still haunt me. I’ve used up my quota of “talking about it” to others so I just keep quiet now and journal. I don’t have insurance so I can’t go to a counselor, but I do think I need to. I feel like I got really clear there for awhile about it all…but now the waters are murky again. And I find myself revisiting things thinking “if only I had just done this.. or that… maybe it would have turned out different.” Aka, blaming myself. That maybe I really was the problem. Even though I know that’s not true….or at least not totally. I don’t know.

    I am hoping when I start school in the fall, and start focusing on my future in paralegal work and maybe meet some new people there that things will turn around. I’m just kind of in limbo right now.

    Anyway, so here I am. Starting again. Because staying sitting down is not an option. 🙂

    • A mental or confidence reset perhaps but don’t underestimate the good you have done for your body and soul in that 223 days. That is still there, it is still a huge accomplishment.

    • Yes, I agree with CascadeClimber, you have done really well, and can continue to. It’s okay. Go easy on yourself. xo

    • Ohhh, do I understand this! The main thing I’ve learned is that it is really fing hard to get back up. However! If you stick with it now it will be easier, so stay here with us. And you can change things today by not drinking! That way you can have this beast in chains by the time you start school, instead of getting going at sobriety AND school.
      Take good care of yourself; tell yourself the nicest things today, and rest up. xo

    • Glad you hopped right back in with us @tipsytoegal. ❤️ Xo

    • Sorry for the fall @tipsytoegal but its just another bump in the road. You know how to do this. As someone on here once told me, throw your whole sober toolbox at it. You’ll be racking up those AF days quickly. You got this!

    • Ah vodka, my wicked old ‘friend’. It’s like silent brain surgery.
      No no no no no. @tipsytoegal, it was not your fault. When we invite someone into our lives and they turn out to behave like a monster, the monster bit is not our doing. The invitation was just an invitation to care and be cared for. Not an invitation to this. The hole at his centre was not your doing. You could never have fixed it and you didn’t put it there. Recognising his pain does not make it your fault or your responsibility.
      You are not responsible for his behaviour.
      Alcohol will only confuse that issue more btw, but you know that.
      I don’t understand how the system works in the US. It’s not possible to see a counsellor without insurance; to just pay for the session? That seems obstructive.
      Anyway. 223 days are not gone. You’ve got some morse code going on is all. Lot of dashes (AF times) and a few dots. If you’ve been doing this since 2016 then you know you can do it again.
      Watch out for the afternoon crash. Take extra good care of yourself today, rest when you can, hydrate. xxx

    • Try to go easy on yourself. You’ve been through a LOT with your divorce, your father passing and the whackadoodle in Oregon. Get right back on the wagon with us. Plenty of room. xoxo

    • That bloody addiction… it lurks there, I guess forever. I have had ‘thoughts’ lately – “oh, I’m fine, never blacked out or anything like that ffs – be normal, you were fine, have a glass” etc etc But I know it is no way to live and before long, one slow glass would turn into a fast first, then two more, then, who knows? I was scared, that is what I need to remember. Scared of all those evenings I meant to resist, and somehow didn’t…

    • So glad you’re back @tipsytoegal. I will just share something that has helped me and will be called on again this week “don’t stumble over something behind you” You have done the hard yards, leave the past behind if it is not serving you well today. Be proud of your achievements and know that you are loved and respected here. ❤️

    • Not gone – not at all. Think of alllll those sober days. They are still there regardless of this blip. I’m not familiar with your story as I’m fairly new, but hoping you are able to find peace of mind.

    • addiction sucks, @tipsytoegal. glad you got right back to it. look forward to your posts.

    • You are a strong girl, and I know you will make it.

    • Big hugs to you lovely, you are here and you are trying and that is all you can ask for. You are amazingly strong and have been through so much this past year and you are still here surviving, so massive hugs and love coming your way from me xxx
      Be easy and gentle on yourself, you can do this, i dont doubt it ❤❤❤

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