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  • Tatiana posted an update 4 months, 1 week ago

    Hello everyone. Today is my Day 1. I am living in a foreign country with no family (other than my beautiful little 5 year old), my husband is away a lot for work. I have found myself having less and less booze free days. I have drank a bottle of wine every night this week and last night I opened a second and drank half of that… Today I feel guilty, tired, unhealthy, inadequate, angry, all negative feelings. I am ok when I have company but alone is when my demons seem to creep up on me. I have alcoholics on both sides of my family and I do think I have the disease. My willpower is terrible. I read the book Mrs D is going without and it motivated me to join a blog like this for support. I am not sure AA is for me. Ive also just downloaded This Naked Mind as I read it was life changing. Signing off with gratitude for this story sharing opportunity x

    • You are very brave @tatiana. I can see how the alure and the numbness of alcohol would be attractive when you are lonely and bored. It’s a sneaky downward slide- and you have identified it inspite of its camouflage as a friend. Mrs d’s books helped me heaps. This site has helped me heaps. Congrats on day one, and a huge welcome!!!

      • Thankyou so much. This is such a positive site, what a wonderful way to support people. Your words are so kind, thanks again.

    • Hi @Titiana. You are not alone in this struggle as long as you stay connected here. We can’t do it for you, but we can walk with you.

      I had for so long misunderstood the effect alcohol had on me. I thought I drank because drinking relieved me of the discomfort of my life; the fear, frustration, confusion, hopelessness and desperate apart-ness. What I didn’t realise was that these feelings were directly caused by my drinking. I thought it was just my lot in life to feel like this, but I had it back to front… it was the drink that caused it. I thought that drinking was the solution to my emotional distress, but it was actually the cause of them. The trap we find ourselves in is that alcohol becomes the medicine that briefly relieves us of the very symptoms that it creates… but drinking more puts us deeper in the hole. We end up drinking to relieve the distress caused by drinking, and this locks us in a downward spiral into despair.

      The really odd thing about all of this is that I found was that alcohol wasn’t actually the problem… I was. If you sit me down with a glass of wine directly in front of me then I will feel the urge to drink it. A glass of water doesn’t do the same at all! But alcohol isn’t doing this. Alcohol doesn’t have some sort of mystical properties that trap me spellbound, it is just a simple chemical: C2H6O. It is not a magic potion. The wanting to drink it comes from within my own mind. My fight isn’t with the bottle, but with myself.

      Time alone is when my mind is at its most destructive. That is when the parts of my brain that still want me to drink start to dominate, and the sabotaging thoughts come piling in. But they are false. They seem real, and they feel convincing, but they are false. They aren’t true at all, they are excuses and justifications, and they are lies.
      It isn’t that we have terrible willpower; it is more that we are challenged by instinctive forces in our minds that are enormously compelling.

      You are not weak, and you are not beaten.

      Stopping drinking is necessary, it is worthwhile, and it is possible. Lots of people here have managed it from exactly the position you are in now and so can you.

      Call out here when you are struggling and someone will answer. You are not alone anymore.

      • @Dave H thank you so much for the kindness and encouragement. I already feel very positive after spending some time on this sit/portal. I appreciate your words and will keep this up on my PC open all the time now I think. Have a great day and thanks again!

    • Hi there @tatiana. Im at my worst when lonely–which is almost all the time as I live on my own so I totally understand what youre saying. Mrs Ds books are fantastic. im quiting AA as from today. I relasped and got totally berrated for it from my sponser.. Stay with this site. Everyone is so helpful.

      • Thank you Anne- I appreciate your words and encouragement. Sorry for your relapse and the negativity afterwards. Sending you strength and a hug.

    • Hi @Tatiana! I found the best thing in early sobriety was to read sober blogs – both as a distraction and a way to rewire your brain. And honestly – never would’ve thought it – sobriety is so interesting. Here are some good sites: hip sobriety.com, thesoberschool.com, lauramckowen.com, unpickledblog.com. And for accountability, this site helped me a lot, you can sign up to be her penpal after a waiting period: tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com. You can do this, gets easier and so much better. : )

    • My wine drinking was just what you describe, creeping up during times of stress until at last it was a daily habit I couldn’t stop. LS has helped me be free of that habit for almost 2 years. The freedom from guilt and shame is wonderful. Stick with it!

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