I am a working mom of 4 fantastic kids and a wife. I have been drinking heavily for a decade now. After being diagnosed with heart failure 2 and a half years ago I have made more attempts than I can count to get my drinking under control. I have been slowly drowning myself in alcohol and my body had had enough. I found this incredible group about a year ago and it has changed my life. I made it 8 months sober and reversed the damage I had done to my heart. I got my life back! And only because I gave up alcohol. After a relapse that lasted about 2 months I have recommited to an alcohol free life. Everyday I find a new reason to continue on this sober journey. For my health, my family, my job, and for MYSELF. I now have the courage to go back to school and start a new chapter in my life. To think of all I missed out on for so many years. Going through my days in a fog, only half present. I thought everything and everyone was against me and attacking me. The truth though, is that I was too blind by the booze haze I was going through life in to see all of the damage and destruction I caused myself. I was also to absorbed in my next drink to see all the hurt and disappointment I was causing those in my life. So I am moving forward. I am closing this very boozy, chaotic chapter of my life. It's difficult and uncomfortable at times, but the rewards are a true gift that I look forward to everyday.
Day 84. I have not drank. I don’t know why I haven’t. I thought I wanted it so much to dull this pain of my SIL condition. I went to the liquor store and got wine and vodka and beer. The thought of drinking it is there but it’s not whispering sweetly in my ear of how good I’ll feel. It is a haunting voice of how much I’m needed right now and that I just can’t have it. And so it all sits unopened and I am still sitting, feeling every emotion at full force. And it’s hard and it hurts more than I have hurt in a very long time. But I’m here, not nursing a hangover but making necessary bcalls early on a Sunday morning. I am on the porch, my favorite spot, having way too much coffee, crying, and doing what needs to be done. We saw the neurologist yesterday. The MRI shows severe brain damage from the lack of oxygen. Her basal ganglia is an area that has been affected. The Dr said damage is on both sides and most prominently the back. We are coming to terms that she will not wake up, and if she does she will not have cognitive function,only reflexive. We are supposed to get together today to discuss the next steps. I miss my kids, I am just going back and forth with my MIL to the hospital. But it is only temporary and I try to live them as hard as I can when I’m home. She has COPD and wasn’t taking care of herself. Continuing to smoke and not doing what the Dr said. I am guilty of this as well, many of us are. But you never think the worst case will happen to you. I am angry at her, I am angry at her husband, my heart is breaking for her 5 kids who have to finish growing up without a mother. It is all so much.
I want to comment in 2 directions.First- Congratulations!! and way to go being strong, not opening those bottles though they were right there. Way to go reminding yourself how you need to be sober to deal with this painful situation.
And the 2nd part. I am so sorry you are going through this. I recently went through something similar with my sister. It is heartbreaking, it is infuriating, it is painful, and ohh soooo hard. My thoughts, prayers and heart are with you.
I’m very sorry that you are going through this very difficult time @SoberHeart but you are managing to stay sober through this which is important, mainly for yourself but it is the best way to be in general. One thing concerns me. You’d just mentioned 2 days ago that you wanted to drink and were glad that there was no alcohol in the house but now you’ve made this big purchase which is a step in the wrong direction. You say that you are angry with your SIL because of her life choices and believe that’s what has brought her to this point but can you try to think ahead of how damaging yourself by drinking is not a solution and that you’ll only be adding more despair to the situation at hand. Maybe the booze that you purchased is for others and I’ve misinterpreted the idea behind it. If it was purchased for yourself, then I highly recommend getting rid of it. I drank not to long ago over things in life that I could not change. It did change the way I felt which was a million times worse.
Oh, @Soberheart, I am so sorry. Can you use Your sorry to propel your sobriety? It’s the greatest thing you could do to honor you SIL. I lost my brother a year ago and it was horrid. He too had harmed his body with drinking and cigarettes, but was a beautiful and gentle soul. 💜💜💜