• Shells7 posted an update 4 days, 7 hours ago

    So I still haven’t managed to go booze free yet!!! My week so far has had many highs & lows, positives & negatives. I haven’t touched my drink of choice which is wine since last Thursday which was the same day as I went to the funeral of a family friend, hangover the next day wasn’t good. I have been having been having some of hubby’s beers instead, yes I do like beer but I can never have to many because I feel so bloated. Ok so I know deep down I need to just stop but I’m struggling to do it, I’ve had such a busy stressful week and I know I shouldn’t be at all looking toward the beer now to take the edge off but at the moment I think I would go out of my tiny tree if I didn’t. My husband is away with work this week so I’m left to juggle work, 3 children, school holiday’s obviously my house etc. I am also the main helper of my mother & father. My Mum & Dad divorced many, many years ago, my Mum lives alone & after recently suffering from a fracture in her spine she isn’t able to do as much as she could, so I’ve been doing what she can’t. I also have to take her to doctor’s appts as well as supermarket shopping. My Dad well maybe many of you might think him alone should have stopped me from drinking ever. He has been such a hard drinker pretty much all of his life that he is now in Rest Home & has been for nearly 3 years at the ripe old age of 74 because he was no longer capable of looking after himself, the home has him on a daily allowance of 20ml of Bourbon 3 times a day, of which I am the one that has to pick it up for them to give it to him, I’m also the only one to see him other than my Aunty. My sister does have some contact with him but she live’s over 5 hours drive away & doesn’t make the trip that often during the year. My brother has not had contact with my father for over 20 years now, which then brings me to the fact that he has been awesome with helping with our mother, mowing her lawn etc.
    I know this is no excuse at all but I’m also…[Read more]

    • There’s a name for it, sandwich generation. Caught between parents and children and helping both. What help is there for your mum? Nz has all sorts of help for ageing parents Presbyterian Support is amazing from social clubs to drivers. Have a loot around and see what help you can find. Re stopping just do it, if your waiting for stress to go away, it doesn’t. Life Is life make a choice and do it. It’s good you have cut back, have a think about other ways to cope and then just go for it, you won’t regret it

    • Rant away if it can help you not drink. But also, I found that not drinking *reduced* my stress. I once thought it helped to “take the edge off” but the stress of worrying about my health and my drinking made all the other sources of stress worse. Drinking does temporarily numb which, honestly, can be kind of nice. But it’s temporary and once it wears off things are no better than they were.

      So, I just had to trust that I’d be OK if I didn’t numb and I was. Actually, better than OK most times. I’ve still got my stresses, annoyances, and resentments, but I don’t have the guilt and other issues piled on top. I had no idea how big that self-inflicted pile was and crawling out from under it has been a great relief.

    • whynot said it best. Shells7 – it gets better. Wolfie is making a final stand….

    • Hi @Shells7. You say “I know deep inside that I will go drink free because I know moderation won’t work for me”. I can’t tell you how transformational that realization was when I finally acknowledged it. It was a crucial piece of awareness for me as it made my path ahead clear.

      Previously I had 3 options: carry on drinking, drink more sensibly, or stop drinking. While all three of these options were on the table then I remained hopelessly trapped. I continued to try and try to control my drinking and I continued to fail. My life continued to get slowly worse and worse in every dimension and I remained hopelessly trapped. But once I realised that I could not drink moderately… I’d tried that often enough to completely prove to myself that I couldn’t, then the choices were only to either carry on drinking or to stop drinking. If I carried on drinking then things would carry on getting worse, so obviously, if I wanted things to get better then the only choice available to me was to stop drinking. But that was an utterly unimaginable thought. I knew that I SHOULD stop drinking but there was just one little problem… I didn’t WANT to! It took a little longer for that one to click into place but it did in the end for me and I’m certain it will for you too.

    • You are so on the right path. You sound almost exactly like me a couple months ago. There is always going to be stress and always a bigger load to carry than you feel you can handle. I finally committed to going AF after leaving my full-time job (which I absolutely love) to move to a foreign country to support my husband’s career and try to still work my job remotely during the early morning and late night so I can care for my two young kids all day long in a place where I can’t read, write or speak the language and everything is completely 100% confusing to me. My relationship with my husband is strained from the pressure of adapting to our new roles, his job being very very busy and my life just doing a total 180 when I was very happy at home. There are SO MANY REASONS for me to use as an excuse not to give up booze right now. But I did and honestly I am just so so so grateful for the choice. My point being I understand where you are coming from 100% and I understand starting slowly. Great job not giving into the temptation to buy wine when your mum did – every time you do that it’s a win! You will get there. Have faith in yourself. It took me a long time between when I knew I had a problem moderating alcohol to when I finally committed to the sober life. I hope you will join us here! It’s sooooo much better.

  • Shells7 posted a new activity comment 4 days, 8 hours ago

    Hi DaveH, thank you so much for asking, the support on this site is amazing & I really think it will be what exactly what I need to help me on my sober journey!!!

  • Shells7 posted an update 6 days, 21 hours ago

    Hi there, so this is my first post after joining a few days ago. That night I still had more to drink than intended & woke up with a hangover the next day, I still however reached for the bottle that late afternoon, thankfully I guess something was triggered because I didn’t have as much that night. I did a little reading yesterday of some sober stories but that didn’t stop me from not picking up the bottle last night either, also happy to say I didn’t drink again as I normally would have.
    I feel like I have been in such a battle with alcohol for many years now!! I started off disliking it because I grew up with a father who drank to excess also & so I’m well aware of the affects it has on not only a family situation but what it’s like to see from a child’s point of view. I did have a drink every now & then through my 20’s but it wasn’t until I got into my 30’s in particular late 30’s that it started to take control. I had my 3 gorgeous babies in my earlier 30’s so it wasn’t an issue to stop.
    But ever since then over the years it’s now gone from 1-2 glasses not necessarily every single night but more like 1-2 bottle per night.
    I’ve woken in the middle of the night going seriously you’ve done it again even though I promised myself I wouldn’t. I hate myself!!!!
    My husband goes out of town for work a lot which adds pressure to me while he’s away and although I try to obviously make more of a big effort to tame the drinking my plan hasn’t always worked. I’ve had so many moments of telling myself “right that’s it” , but what has brought me here on what will hopefully be the start of my sober journey is a couple of things, not only have I also hidden bottles (trying to hide how is being consumed & being found by the kids but last Sunday night I got sloshed & so around 9pm my son found me sound asleep on the floor in my bedroom, when I woke the next morning I couldn’t remember him finding me, I was still wearing my clothes in bed, even though I struggled to get…[Read more]

    • My advice is to have a heart to heart with your husband and open up to him. My guess is he would love to help if you let him in.
      My other advice would be to make you ask yourself what role model are you setting for your kids. They need someone strong and dependable and reliable. Do it for them.

    • Help is here 😊 a lot of people have gotten alcohol free using this community of support. I’m sure you can too, if that’s what you really truly want for yourself xxx lots of love to you. Post every day – it really really helps.

    • You are still drinking because your body is addicted to alcohol @shells7. The fantastic news is that you have decided to do something about it-that’s the most important thing. There are many different ways to sort this out and you will need to find out what suits you best. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. Post here every day, you are surrounded by kind and lovely people who are experts on this topic. Sending you lots of love, you can do this xx

    • I knew I needed to stop for a while before I actually did and then I planned for it. You seem to be in that phase of knowing this is totally unsustainable. My biggest fear was that life would feel empty and boring without alcohol. What would I do instead? How would I fill that gap? The thing that got me through was knowing there was light at the end of the tunnel. Yes giving up causes discomfort. It isn’t a walk in the park but all you have to do is not have a drink and walk through the discomfort to come out the other side. I am still early in the journey but I can tell you at 41 days sober I have not one single regret about quitting. It is very much still a work in progress but it is work I often enjoy. When I was in the rut you are in life without wine seemed untenable but now my only fear is picking it up again. Alcohol free life is better. In every way. Read the posts of long timers, read all the sober stories and you will see that there is a world of happiness once you wade through the tough bits. If I can do it do can you.

    • Hi @Shells7 When I said “I need help” was when things changed for me. I spent years trying and failing to control my drinking. I hid alcohol, I drank secretly, I drank more than people around me knew, I drank when I shouldn’t and when I could drink I drank more that I should. It didn’t seem to matter how earnest I was in deciding to “just have a couple” I never did. Once I started there was always a good reason to have another, and if I wasn’t drinking there was always a good reason why I should. My waking thoughts were of a drink… did I have any nearby, when I would get my first drink of the day, where and how. My drinking was quite beyond my control and I couldn’t understand this at all. I was a capable, organised person who could do most things I set my mind to, but it didn’t matter how hard I tried I couldn’t control my drinking. Nothing I tried worked and I was completely lost. It wasn’t just the drinking though, everything in my life was slipping; at work, at home, everywhere. I didn’t do anything or go anywhere any longer unless it involved a drink. The most terrifying prospect of all would be that I might have to pick up some visitors from the Airport late at night… How would I do that? How would I stay sober enough to drive until night-time? And then there was the fear, the constant anxiety, the restlessness, frustration, stress, hopelessness, and loneliness.

      It didn’t matter what I did I simply couldn’t keep the promises I made to myself about drinking. Sometimes I managed to stop for a day, occasionally two days and on very rare occasions I managed three days, but what followed was always the same… back to the bottle just as much as before. I’d given up giving up, it was impossible, I was out of ideas. I consigned myself to the prospect that drinking was inevitable… I was beaten. I finally acknowledged that I didn’t know how to beat this and finally realised… “I need help”.
      That was the point when things changed for me. I realised I was compl…[Read more]

    • Hi! I joined this site a few days ago too… And I’m on day 21 of not drinking. So, only 3 weeks ago I was in my own unsustainable situation. Outwardly I appeared to have my shit together but inside I was fit to combust with the conflict of drinking a bottle of wine every night and more at weekends. The truth was staring me in the face and I was terrified at how little control I felt over my decisions. And the guilt! I just kept thinking, I know better than this! Why do I continue to do it? For me, it was a way to check out of overwhelming emotions and fear over my future. I was feeling insecure and scared and didn’t feel ready to face my truths. So I’m not beating myself up for wanting to hide. I needed to have support and self compassion and courage and I’ve found that and I’m sure you can too. I have a dear friend who is doing this with me and led the way really. She’s taught me all about self care and self forgiveness and that is ok to make mistakes. Everything is moving forward as it should. You quickly get rid of the inner conflict once you decide to stop. I have told myself that I am not drinking for now, haven’t given myself any pressure. I wish you so much strength and send lots of care your way.

    • @shells7 I can relate with so much that you have written. The never ending loop of promising myself I would take it easy and then drinking too much. First step is to make the decision you are not going to drink and clear your house of alcohol. Next you need a plan for your trigger times. The cravings will strike so you need to know what you’ll do … the dinner hour was my trigger time so I’d go to the gym or get my nails done. I’d also play it forward. I’d envision getting into bed that evening into clean fresh sheets, laying my sober head down for a full 8 hours of sleep, waking up and not cringing at what I had done the night before. Next you need support. This place is great for that. Post any time and people will help. You’re not alone. Blogs and podcasts are great too. I still read and listen to them. And finally you need to love yourself and treat yourself with kindness. Treats, bubble baths, a facial. Be so, so good to yourself because you’re doing something amazing. We’re here for you. You CAN do this.

    • I told myself over and over that I needed to stop and still I reached for the bottle late afternoon to, I’ve had many rock bottoms and periods of sobriety. But the truth is I am addicted to alcohol and it was taking over my life. My family were worried sick and so was I. The best thing was to just stop.. when it started to effect my work that was it for me.. it’s worth the bad days just pushing through because 1drink and I’d be back there.. keep posting @shells7.. xx

    • @shells7 well done on joining us here. Asking for help is a great place to start. Can you talk to your doctor to ask for support. There are meds available that may help you. Remove all alcohol from your home and stay away from any places you can purchase it. Have access to non alcoholic drinks. Read and learn about addiction. There are recommendations on this site and just don’t drink today. Use this site often. Take care you are worth the effort it takes to change and there is help available.

    • Well you are doing better than I when I was in your shoes! My stepdaughter and her girlfriend found me passed out on the floor of m6 home office one Friday night and took pictures of me and helped me to bed. My wife made them delete the pics in the morning. It took me another 4 years to decide to get sober and that was after my wife found me passed out on the couch and left me a note that it was me or the booze! I stil” have that note in my wallet! My wife was very supportive when I stopped drinking and it sounds like your husband will also support you. I would have a very frank conversation with him about needing his support to stop and then check in here every day, try AA or smart recovery, read books, listen to podcasts. Throw the kitchen sink at this problem. It is only a problem and problems have solutions, moderation is not a solution sobriety is the best solution! You can do this, if you have had enough of living in this hell!

  • Shells7 posted a new activity comment 6 days, 22 hours ago

    Hi @InkPink I have only just become a registered member a few days ago, thankfully having only had 1 hangover since then, “go me” she says sarcastically!!! I have really limited what I’ve had to drink over the past 2 nights, but I’m really struggling with trying to not think about the booze. I have spent a couple of hours over the last couple of days doing a little reading & listened to a couple of podcasts. Things resonate with me so much but I’m struggling to make that final leap of faith in myself that I can stop drinking altogether.

  • Shells7 became a registered member 1 week, 3 days ago