I am a single Mum to a beautiful teenage boy. I am 55years old. My relationship with alcohol started in my early 20's when I was a binge drinker. I think of the risks I took then and later when drunk and am probably lucky to still be here. I guess because it wasn't a daily or even weekly thing I didn't think I had a problem. In the past year probably it has been a daily bottle of wine and I am facing losing the most precious thing in my life. Right now the guilt and regret and grief are overwhelming. The only hope I have is to stay strong and sober as I am facing the battle of my life.
So glad you’re back @tipsytoegal. I will just share something that has helped me and will be called on again this week “don’t stumble over something behind you” You have done the hard yards, leave the past behind if it is not serving you well today. Be proud of your achievements and know that you are loved and respected here. ❤️
Hi @ro so sorry to hear about your boy and you. Don’t have any good advice really. You are the rock he keeps coming back to though so I would think that while he is being an “ass” for want of a better word, he knows you love him with all your heart and sometimes maybe that is all we can hope for until the hormones die down and they face something they need to be a “man”for. ❤️
Good morning lovely people Day 356 and edging ever closer to my first year which is exciting. Today feelings of sadness and worry, a sort of edginess just under the surface. I have finally heard from my lawyer that my son’s psychologist report has been completed and is ready for me to read and make comment on. This has been requested by the court with my blessing since October of last year. I am anxious about what I will find in there but relieved that finally he will hopefully get some counselling to help him manage the feelings that he has about having a Mum who drank too much and because of that made him choose to leave and live with his Dad. He is only 14 and my absolute pride and joy. He is choosing not to see me and not to respond to my fortnightly texts to tell him I miss him and love him. I suspect his Dad is fuelling this behaviour and the teachers at school have concerns around this too hence the assessment and whole court thing which I did instigate myself. So now we are moving towards something happening which I hope will mean I get to spend time with my boy to build back slowly the brilliant relationship we had, I was his sole parent until April of last year. I have fought for him quietly from the sidelines and being sober and alcohol free has given me power I didn’t know I had, strength for the countless rejections and new confidence about who I am and what I have to offer him now. I read the report at the lawyers office next Tuesday and then discuss with my lawyer how I want to proceed and make any responses that may be needed. I have no doubt that this is going to be painful and heart wrenching so I do ask for your kind thoughts and support. I in turn will try very hard to be my best, true self. Have a great day out there.❤️
@saoirse firstly so good on you for being so so strong for your son, I can’t imagine how very hard this last year has been for you. I am sure that eventually your son will recognise the battle you have gone through, and through determination and love for him you are winning and won’t give up. As his years mature he will see this. Give some allowance that his current rejection is because this situation is raw, and he has been hurt, and like you say others are also influencing him, but you will come through for him. I admire you so much, and congratulations for turning your life around, much love xxx😘
@Saoirse Almost a year AF! Amazing. I believe it is never too late to repair relationships and you are obviously putting in the work to repair yours. I can’t imagine how difficult it will be to read the report, so I am sending you so many positive wishes for strength through that process. I’m sure this entire community is here to support you and hoping for a good outcome. Stay strong. <3
Good morning all Day 345, not long now to a year and in some ways it’s gone fast. Have learned more about myself during this journey than I have my whole life probably. I am lucky that I don’t crave alcohol now but I do still think occasionally “wonder what it would be like to just have one and see” well no actually because you know the end result and I am not going to sabotage my good work for a cheap thrill that will set me back in so many ways. Life is mostly good, and although I hate the Winter it hasn’t been too bad of late, sunny days, wow. Went to the Pirongia market and to the forest there over the weekend, beautiful. Hope your day is good wherever you may be. Best get ready for work!!! ❤️
Nice work, @saoirse. Cool to read your take on finding that soothing forest. As for that lingering thought of ‘just having one and see’…. hope you’re shootin’ that idea down as fast as it rears itself. What a lie ~ ‘just’ ‘ONE’ and ‘see’……see what? One what? Just what? That sort of thing. Man (for myself, anyway) it WOULD DO MY HEAD to pour a drop of alcohol down my throat. Before, during and certainly, after. Cool to read just how well you know the ‘result’!
Hi @mari135 I love this post, thank you. My new man friend Mark came and stayed at my home for the weekend and it was lovely and we have some great chats. Sort of out of the blue on Sunday night I felt sad to the point of crying, missing my boy. It lingered until I went to work this morning and had something else to focus on so I do get it when you say you can be with friends and family and still feel lonely and lost. Mark does know my situation but I didn’t tell him how I felt at the time save to say I do have sad days and he was kind. In some ways it brings me close to my boy and I give him his time in my heart. ❤️
Hi all Will be off to work soon. A nice sunny morning here and there’s a little blackbird strutting his stuff on the fence!!! My cat is watching but obviously too full and content to do anything else. Not much happening and did feel a bit ho hum and sad yesterday but today is here now so onwards we go. Did some drawing yesterday, a fog scene inspired by the view from Mark’s deck, so wispy and beautiful to look at, sort of mysterious and magical too as you could only see the very tops of the hills. Anyway no matter how gloomy we might feel inside nature can also give us something special to appreciate. Have a lovely day out there.❤️
Oh @tipsytoegal so sorry to hear about all your trauma. Do you have any friends you could stay with for a while? Not sure whether just not responding in any way to his threats or allegations would slow him down, being ignored would burst his bubble big time, think he is feeding on the fact that you are racing around trying to shut him down. I think you need to get back to you, your plans, your needs and wants and try focus your energy on them. He is taking all of that at the moment and you need that back, that is your power. Do something for you today, something that will lift your spirits, easier said than done when you’re in a funk I know, but you need to get back into the habit of you time every day. Thinking of you and wishing you something nice today.❤️
Hi @ro it is so hard to know what to say when a friend is suffering through something so awful we can’t imagine what they are feeling. I think you can only be honest and say your heart is broken for them and you’re not sure how to help but you want to. Stay in touch, sometimes they may want to talk and sometimes they won’t but at least they know you are acknowledging their pain and are there for them when they might need you. The fact that he has replied means he appreciates your message. Off to work myself in a bit. Been feeling a bit melancholy the last couple of days, no particular reason, Winter blues maybe!!! Have a good day @ro, love your posts, always get something to take away from them.❤️
Hi @sam27 I cannot imagine your pain for the loss of your son. You say you are at a crossroads and by that I am sure you see you do have choices. Use your great love for your boy to guide you, lean on him and let thoughts of him help you. He would like you to be happy and well. You can do this with the support and love of all of us here. Make a start.❤️
Hi @suze99 what bad news for you. Good on you for being proactive in stalling any attempt to buy alcohol. I know it’s early days but I find writing helps me sort my thoughts when they are in a troubled jungle. Maybe you could think of all your options no matter how wacky and then slowly weed out the off the wall ones though sometimes they can surprise you and you may have the groundwork of a plan. I start to feel better almost immediately, I think because it gives me back a sense of control and choice!!😊
Hi there everyone, day 339 and slowly building up to a year. Can hardly believe it as in some ways the time I have been on here seems so much shorter!! Not been doing a lot realy cos Winter is my hibernation time, loathe the cold and dark. It is however a good time for writing and drawing and cosying up in a snugly warm bed. I went out last night, well evening actually, after work with some of the girls to catch up with two ex work colleagues. It was cool and the funny thing I noticed sitting next to one of the girls was the smell of her red wine, I was a white wine drinker but never really noticed the smell of it before. It wasn’t really pleasant and didn’t make me feel like I wanted one, in fact I thought it’s too cold for cold drinks!!! Anyway had a lovely time, ate too many snacks from the platter but didn’t need dinner afterwards. Was home by 8pm and in bed with my book at 8.30, not exactly party material but good. I am planning a Winter get away with Mark the new man I am seeing. We have already had a trip away to Waiheke which was wonderful, he organised that one. This time we are going to Tutukaka which I didn’t realise was in the North Island!!!! Found a great deal for accomodation on Grab One so have booked it for 20th July. Love having these little breaks to look forward to and plan. My life is good even though I am still working through court system to get access to my son, his Dad still refuses to let me have contact. I am happy doing my stuff and I’m doing more of that than I ever have. I keep finding things I want to learn about and try, I’m not the scaredy cat I used to be and I am more confident of my place in this beautiful world. So I guess I would say to people to never give up on this happy path, it is maybe harder, keep hope by your side and dream big because you will love yourself for it. Have a great day.❤️
Hi @lars I feel for you being in the headspace you’re in at the moment because I remember what it is like when I was there. It is the hardest bit about the sober path I think is the battle with ourselves. At the end of the day it is not about what your partner can or can’t do it’s about you. You want to stop drinking so you can be happy and proud and love your life, all good reasons why wouldn’t you want to? For today that is why you’re not drinking and each day you don’t you get stronger, you start to feel good about yourself which is where you need to be to carry on the journey. You are worth the struggle and you can do it. Celebrate even quietly every step you take starting today❤️
Happy Anniversary @jocord. Congratulations on 14 months sober. I agree with the slow learner thing and wish I too had done this earlier but so glad I’m doing it now and loving my life. Have a lovely day.😊
Hi @iowadawn so great to hear you are enjoying being with your man. I am sorry to hear your biopsy result and wish you well for your treatment. You are such a strong and brave lady and have worked hard to get where you are. Don’t let the happy buzz draw you back to alcohol, take care of you. Love and hugs❤️
Hi @happymoods Congratulations on 32 days. Sounds like you might be feeling a bit fragile and that’s ok. Remember you are strong, you have 32 days that prove that. You are the gatekeeper and alcohol is not welcome in your life. You call the shots and you deserve better than alcohol can offer. Stay strong and enjoy being the wonderful you that you are.❤️
Hi @victoriajean baby steps, one day at a time. I would stay home if you’re finding social events too hard at the start. Build some new routines and lots of self praise and rewards to build up your confidence. You can do this and you will love it😊
Hi @ro off to work today too but don’t start til 9 so can fart around a bit longer this morning!! Worked my day off this week to save some coffers for a Summer holiday is the plan, hate the Winter so thought I’d give myself something to look forward to. Practising my drawing most evenings and that keeps the boredom away. I am however looking at the rowing machine I took into the lounge with the aim of achieving the “beach bod” and the only exercise I’ve done so far is to step over the dam thing so that might have to change, maybe I should move it to in front of the fridge!!!! Hope you have a nice day, warmer here this morning too and a bit damp.😊
You sound like me yesterday, getting a bit feisty, in my head I might add. Thought all the tossers had descended on Cambridge just to fuck me right off LOL. Probably no harm in having the occasional non PC thoughts, quite exhilarating sometimes I find!! Enjoy your cosy fire. ❤️
Hahahaha non violence hahahaha I was listening to a young know-it-all today. If only she simply made coffee rather than deal with really serious things happening in families … A big breakthrough with the aggro AND passive aggro creature I work with. She was given a talking to, we ended up together at a talk, and friendly! man, all the stops pulled out. Of course I lap it up with barely a REMEMBER! Never forget what she is capable of. For once in my career, I may have an effective leader (young!) who will deal with stuff … too good to be true, I had better watch out
Oh @robynb that is so difficult and good on you for giving yourself time to think. There’s no pleasing some people and at the end of the day sometimes they’re not worth the grief!!! Enjoy your treats, you deserve them. Hope tomorrow is a better day. ❤️
Good morning everyone, day 324 and feeling a bit blah this morning. Have work which will refocus my brain but just thinking about what we leave behind. A bit dark you may say but I don’t mean it that way. I sketched a simple picture the other day of just shells on sand, nothing elaborate or brilliant but they are just there and yet they can draw you to questions, what have they seen and been through and whatever it was they are still beautiful to look at and are at peace. I hadn’t planned to but then I added a bracelet just left there from some beach goer and it added more questions for me anyway. I found it sad the leaving things but at the same time we in part at least get to choose what we leave behind and how it will make others feel about us and themselves. I used to be terrified of dying, a lot of my teenage were filled with nightmares but now I am not. It is just another phase in the life path. I do however want to make the rest of this life count, it is precious and I am lucky to have it so I think about what I would like to leave behind and it is mostly nothing tangible but a way of being that may help someone in the future. Enough rumination for now, just wondered if anyone of you sometimes think of this. Have a lovely day.❤️
I’m with you on the blah sense – only Tuesday and two more evening meetings this week, then weekend work – seems impossible. Nightmares of not managing kids, or boring boring detailed things to do … no philosophising though, no energy! My level of thought is trying to pack healthy snacks so I get through the last meeting of the day when I will be no doubt snapped at and put down by my new colleague. I must try to breathe and be calm, not say my pleady thoughts, “what have I ever done to you?” – in the brief weeks you have known me hahaha Past life??!!
I was a little surprised that you were already at 324 days! So congrats on that, seems to me like you just got here. Isn’t that crazy? I’ve thought about that, the legacy issue….I would say, don’t think about it! Live for those around you now. What would most people like to have you leave behind? Money! Lol sorry, had to say that. Might be some truth in it, though.
Hi @mari135 those blue times are tough. I do have them too but they are less frequent and sometimes I think they do serve a purpose in allowing us to lick our wounds so to speak and move on. It is a good opportunity for some self love to say to ourselves “yes you were treated unfairly, yes you did not deserve that” give ourselves a hug and tell ourselves we will be alright now, we are in a better place, now we can do all the things we have wanted to, we can be who we are, we can be stronger because we have known pain and we are here, tall and proud and now it is our time. So keep on doing things you love to do, keep on being you and believe in you, you are here in spite of all of it❤️
Hi there @ro. Your animals certainly do sound like children, well loved!! I have been keeping pretty busy with reading and visiting man. Did manage to get some housework done this weekend!!! Sorted out all my court paperwork which took me about 2hours, slower than slow process not unlike the courts themselves. Been doing some drawing and a bit of walking but sort of in hibernation mode for Winter!! Work is good, not too frantic, just steady. Managing not to get too snippy!! Keeping my journal and gratitude list daily keeps me peaceful and happy.❤️
Good for you @robynb. I find it really difficult dealing with disappointment, makes me sulk for quite a while!!!! You did amazingly well by getting on with it and arranging something else. Hope you have a lovely dinner.❤️
Wow you are brave but I get you when you say empowering. You are seeing a new culture and land through your eyes only, not coloured by anyone else, you can think your own thoughts, love what you love and create your own schedule. It is a great adventure that you can be so proud of and I know you will learn lots and love lots for it. ❤️
Hi @agirl sure know what you mean by Winter blues, hate this time of year but thankfully so far not been down in the dumps. Managed another walk up the Hakarimatas yesterday which made me feel great and I have done a bit of sorting out paperwork mainly court stuff and bills and feel more in control plus I use the Winter to save for Summer and was looking on the net for some new togs!!!!! just to keep the mood sunny😄