• The rock-bottom, shame-inducing cringe/guilt/fear that finally kicked my arse into day 1 was a big health scare -I really thought I’d broken myself with years of heavy drinking and binge drinking (I feel cringey just writing that – cant quite believe how bad it got!). Anyway, the great news for me is that I had to have some blood tests a week ago, and the results came back all normal – normal liver function, lipids, cardiac enzymes, glucose etc. So pleased and relieved, and to be honest amazed that after 65 days AF my body has begun to heal itself! My mind is slowly healing itself too, still having the ups and downs of early-days alcohol free living, but experiencing some moments of real peace and happiness. Life is good. Feeling lots of gratitude and wishing you all a lovely evening (morning, night) wherever you are!

    • Good for you rubyroo. Well done on 65 days. Bottoms up!🌞

    • @rubyroo2 65 days AF is great! Well done. Like you I thought I had done myself harm through my drinking and was so relieved my test results came back clear!

    • Great news. Congrats on maintaining your AF status for 65 days.

    • 65 days and good health news. So well-deserved!!! It is an amazing feeling.
      oxoxox

    • LIFE IS GOOD!!! 65 days! You got this and a whole new future ahead of you. Good for you. I never thought I could heal after drinking as long and as hard as I did. But it’s happening. I can feel it. You will too. Good for you! Good luck. Run with it. You got this.

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 4 days, 13 hours ago

    Cool number!

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 4 days, 13 hours ago

    I have no real pearls of wisdom for you, just my own story and a whole lot of compassion. It’s so hard isn’t it? Like you I had many many 2 -3 days sober, then back to the wine – so many many day 1s, I really thought I just couldn’t, and then I felt worthless and weak etc etc. I guess you have to find the thing that keeps you going – whatever it is, grab onto it. I found that reading and listening helped me – Mrs Ds book, blogs, youtube, Ted talks, podcasts. And checking in here every day, even though I’m not a prolific poster, I have lurked with intent since day 1! And now I’m at day 63 – still early days, but feeling cautiously optimistic. Hang in there.

    • 63 days is something to be proud of @Rubyroo!! I don’t think I will post much either, but I will here 🙂 Thanks for you reply. I really appreciate you. xo

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    Thank you – yes it will be worth it x

  • rubyroo2 posted an update 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    Day 50 for me, on a Friday evening after a couple of stressful days. I was at the supermarket, and for the first time since day one I was tempted – “what the f#@k, I’ve had a terrible day, just grab a wine – who cares if you drink or not.” I was just about looking around to see where this strange and compelling voice was coming from!!! And it was in my flipping head!!
    So I went and grabbed some ginger ale. And some soda water.
    I’ve pondered this, and wish I could fast forward to a time when I can be all ‘zen’ with not drinking. Struggling to do the whole “never again” thing right now. Why does this shit come and bite me right when I’m supposed to be feeling fab about my 50 days?
    Ah well, such is sobriety. Just getting used to feeling all the feels I guess.

    • Yes but you resisted, I managed 90 days last year then gave into the vouce, now 1 year later and copious bottles of wine I am on day 6… you can do it and your doing amazing, I am going to recognise the wine witch next time and dont want to back at Day 6 again.. x

    • 50 days, Congratulations!!!
      xoxox
      And I can promise you this is very very very normal. It’s very rare that people get sober and from that day on everything is shiny and perfect and easy and light. I found it was ever-changing. Some days and week and months I was content with sobriety…Others…Not so much. I specifically remember day 200 because I thought I was “supposed to feel elated”. Fucking hated day 200.
      I was depressed. Sobriety seemed boring and pointless. I was convinced I didn’t have a real drinking problem and could moderate now that I had proven to myself I could stay sober that long.

      It gets way easier.
      Keep going.
      It will be worth it.

      oxoxoxox

    • I find a good day with all the shiny bits of sobriety is often right on the heels of a low day. Hope you have a better day tomorrow 😀

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 1 month ago

    So sorry to hear that @ro. No words.

  • rubyroo2 posted an update 1 month ago

    Day 36 – Woohoo! –
    I haven’t posted much on here since early on – just to really test my new sobriety I’ve had two quite stressful situations to deal with. I decided to change jobs, and then a relative became really unwell and I have been caring for them. To be honest there have been days I’ve been so busy that I didnt even think about alcohol, which is amazing given my former “love of “(read addiction to) wine. Surprisingly, one of the hardest moments came last evening, when I went out with friends to the pub for dinner – I didnt at all feel like drinking and the smell of alcohol was pretty gross. I decided to try one of the Heineken zero alcohol beers. It tasted so “beer – like” that I immediately felt simultaneously guilty for drinking it and incredibly angry that I coudnt have a “real drink”. Those feelings really threw me, and for some minutes I stared longingly at the glasses of wine on neighbouring tables. I gathered my thoughts and moved on, but felt really unsettled for the evening. I think I’ll stick to a lime and soda from now on – I dont think the zero alcohol (but trying to look and taste like the real thing) are for me!

    • JM replied 1 month ago

      Hiya @rubyroo2! New job and sick relative, that’s a lot – hope your family member is feeling better! I’ve never gone down the zero alcohol road, I tried kombucha, and hated the alcohol-y taste. Congrats on day 36! : )

    • Congrats on 36! I’m not in the zero alcohol wine/beer camp. It’s too triggery for me and why drink alcohol-like if I can have less calories with club soda or sparkling water.

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    It would numb it for an hour or two, then tomorrow morning you’d wake up, with a dry mouth, sore head and a whole lot of regret. I’m day 23 and have had some of those thoughts during this past week, so I know where you’re coming from. Dont do it, stay with your feelings, let them come, and then watch them go – and wake up clear-headed in the morning.

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Thank you all, got through the day just fine…had to keep reminding myself that this crap feeling will pass, now I’m home settling in for a peaceful evening with my lime and soda!

  • Day 14. The rosy pink glow has gone and I feel like “shit’s about to get real”
    Here comes the real work. Feeling some speed wobbles, but bring it on! (I think, I hope…?) This is not really how I thought I’d be feeling at 2 weeks, so that’s a surprise. Going to tread very lightly through my day, be very mindful and on the lookout for pitfalls, and traps, an lying voices. Really wish I could spend the day at home looking after myself but work calls….wish me luck! What a journey. And a good and sober day to you all too!

    • You’ve got this ☺️ Good & sober day 2 u 2 @rubyroo2 xxx

    • Just knowing you need to be on the lookout is a good thing! Bring on day 15!

    • Oh no, I’m Day 5 and completely lost up in my beautiful pink clouds,lol! I guess I have this ahead of me!!

    • Yes, going into 3 weeks I was clear-headed and firm in my non-drinking but fragile. Still learning how to navigate life in all it’s fullness sober. Go forward with curiousity, feel feelings, revel in night driving, and love waking up everday hangover free!

    • You’ve got this! I remember that feeling of the speed wobbles but it does pass and jumping on here definitely helped me when I started out. Now I’m nearly five years sober. The wobbles do still appear occasionally but nowhere near as frequent and usually just when I’m having a bad day which to be fair is hardly ever now that I’m sober.

    • Try not to future trip. The rosy comes and goes and yep there is work but it’s super worth it. Just take it one day at a time, some days are easier than others but eventually they all get easier. xoxoxo

      • Thank you all, got through the day just fine…had to keep reminding myself that this crap feeling will pass, now I’m home settling in for a peaceful evening with my lime and soda!

  • Made it to double digits – day 10! Was out for dinner last night, partner having a couple of drinks – I missed having a wine, but I “played it forward” and saw myself having not one but the whole bottle or more, feeling like crap, guilty, disappointed, waking up hung over and then facing another day 1. So I had a tomato juice instead 🙂

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 1 month, 4 weeks ago

    @lars moment by moment is such a good way to think about it – thank you. Here at day 8 and feeling cautiously optimistic. Thinking a lot about how my body and mind are slowly healing on this AF journey. Day 12 so great – congrats!

  • rubyroo2 posted an update 2 months ago

    7 days free of alcohol – feeling just the tiniest bit proud!

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 2 months ago

    Seems to work for me- the stuff I have is in a little squirty container, just spritz a bit on my tongue. Has a strange taste (like a herbal tincture) but that passes quickly. I only use it if feeling a bit “anxty”

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 2 months ago

    Welcome!

  • rubyroo2 posted an update 2 months ago

    Checking in at day 5, everything is surprisingly calm. I’m managing the odd bit of anxiety with rescue remedy. No urge to drink, and not even really thinking about it much…very odd. I keep waiting for the shitty cravings, ratty moods, psycho outbursts of anger that I’ve experienced in the past when stopping….maybe they just wont happen? Ha, that would be a bonus!! Anyway, I’ll just be quietly vigilant (while doing a victory dance on the inside) and take each day as it comes.

    • Ro replied 2 months ago

      Great post go you! 👍

    • Whatever works! @rubyroo2. Been thinkin’ of you. Nice…day 5! You ‘reckon the rescue remedy actually works a bit? What’s it like?

      • Seems to work for me- the stuff I have is in a little squirty container, just spritz a bit on my tongue. Has a strange taste (like a herbal tincture) but that passes quickly. I only use it if feeling a bit “anxty”

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 2 months ago

    Day 15 – congrats! Cant wait to get there.

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 2 months ago

    So sorry for the loss of your pug. They really are the loveliest little dogs – hugs to you x

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 2 months ago

    Thanks for your post – congrats on getting where you are – I mean day 7, but also to letting yourself feel all that hard stuff and difficult emotions. Remember tears are not a sign of weakness – they are a river that takes us from one place to another. Happy mothers day to you.

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 2 months ago

    I love the way you put that – “the most delicate care”. Really resonates with me. Feeling fragile, raw, brittle and newly born at day 3 – and I am going to care for myself gently over the next days and weeks. Enjoy your sunshine and cuddles

    • Raw is a great word and speaks volumes. You do need to look after yourself so much, especially early on, because you are fragile and New and vulnerable. Xx

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 2 months ago

    Fantastic – just what I needed this morning! Thanks for the share.

  • rubyroo2 posted an update 2 months ago

    Its day 3 and I’m here. Had the best sleep I’ve had in months, and I’m so grateful to be feeling well, clear-headed and to have a lovely hangover free Sunday stretching out in front of me. Happy day to you all!

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 2 months ago

    Thank you all for your thoughts tips and encouragement – feeling positive

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 2 months ago

    Thanks @jm

  • rubyroo2 posted an update 2 months ago

    Hello again, I have been bouncing around here for a while, mostly as a lovely lurker. I get to day 5, or 10 or day 60 at one point, then it all goes to custard and i am off again, hitting the wine on a daily basis, living life through a perpetual hangover, You’d probably have no idea from the outside – I am very clever at hiding the amount I drink from family, friends and colleagues. I have had ongoing health niggles lately that I know are related to drinking, and I gave myself a huge scare yesterday morning after a big wine binge. I woke up and thought I was going to die – and I dont mean that in the metaphorical “this is a killer hangover” sense, I mean I really thought I was going to die. Heart pounding, dizzy, lightheaded, sweaty, a bit short of breath – kind of heart attack feeling. Very very scarey. I wept and told my lovely husband how scared I was, how much of a problem with alcohol I had, and how I know that if I dont stop I will be dead in 5 years. He was a rock – I am so lucky – and he is with me every step of the way. But he’s a normie, and I know he doesn’t understand the dreadful compulsion, the lies we tell ourselves, and the lengths we go to having our beloved poison (even when we know its so so bad for us).
    Anyway I am here, it’s day 2, and I’m alive, and I think that every day I show up here I’m choosing life. I take strength from reading all your posts – I know I’m not alone in feeling this stuff.

    • JM replied 2 months ago

      Hi rubyroo2! That sounds like it was terrifying. I’m glad you’re here, I love those last lines of your post. For me, I had to be scared out of my wits, became very clear that booze would make me lose everything that I cared about, including my life, if I kept going. Keep powering through, I’ll look for your posts, you are doing this. : )

    • Hi @rubyroo I’m so sorry you had such a horrible experience that scared you so much. Staying sober is not easy but the rewards are immense. I battle with it every day – I’m only day 79AF but there are others on this site who I’m sure will back me up, the more alcohol has been part of your life the harder it is to lose such a crutch.
      I’m afraid of what alohol was doing to my health – there’s clear evidence of its links to dementia, mouth and throat cancer, stomach cancer, diabetes, heart disease and liver disease and breast cancer.
      So yes I miss it, i really really do, but I’m focussing on what being sober is doing to benefit my health and I hope I haven’t left it too late. Like you I was great at hiding my drinking from everyone but myself.
      Stick with us here, most of us have been where you are or somewhere very similar. I haunted this site in my early days and always found something to boost my flagging fortitude. I also made a point of replacing my unhealthy drinking habit with something – a healthy reward drink – juice and soda water after work when I was making dinner and sitting down to dinner. If I could get to 8pm I was safe so I put that healthy drink in my hand the moment I walked through the door and kept topping it up till I was safely out of temptation time.
      You can do this.

    • Glad you are here @rubyroo. I’ve been where you are at….you never have to feel that way again.

    • Hey @rubyroo2 sounds like you might be ready to commit to doing this for your health. I had started getting constant pins and needles which scared me no end, and my liver function had been going downhill for a long while. You might want to get some tests done at the Doctors, so you can see improvement from not drinking. It’s a nice benefit to see that your liver is regenerating and to put your focus on health, as we do take it for granted – until we don’t have it.

      • Thank you all for your thoughts tips and encouragement – feeling positive

    • Great post @rubyroo2, it seems you have come to the point where you are serious about making a change! When I told my wife I was quitting there was no going back, I don’t like letting her down. Like your husband she is my rock, we are lucky to have their support many of our community don’t have that luxury! Let’s make this happen, it will be the best thing you do for yourself and your marriage!

    • I’m so glad you’re here. Scary stuff for sure. Please make the big decision – “I don’t drink … EVER” Lean on your husband a bit. He’s with you on this.

  • rubyroo2 posted a new activity comment 11 months, 2 weeks ago

    Day 1 for me again too – I could have posted what you wrote, my experience is so similar. We can do this.

  • Day 1 again for me. Again.
    I get to about 70 days and get cocky and think I can moderate.
    Not looking forward to the next week – but onward!
    It’s good to be back here – just reading everyone’s posts reminds me of 2 things – I’m not alone, and I can do this.

    • good to recognise that pattern of getting to 70 days then drinking again @rubyroo2

      you are certainly not alone, and you can totally do this 🙂

      what’s your plan for this time round?

    • I can relate to this! I got to 3 months last year then the ‘moderation’ theory got the better of me… found this time around it was a lot easier to get back into enjoying the sober life! The lesson it taught me is moderation just doesnt work for me and simply leads back into my normal drinking routine… internal battles and wasted headspace! Welcome back 70 something +1 🙂

      • Same @embracingsober and @rubyroo2! Did 100 days and thought i was “fixed” . Ha! What a dick! Soon back to drinking to blackouts. But, i had learnt a massive amount in that 100 days which made the final attempt much easier. i say final cos i know and accept now that i am an alcoholic and so i know i can never pick up that first drink

    • Great attitude @rubyroo2!! You can do this.

  • Hi everyone, I have been lurking this past month, and after my laptop died had to make another username so rubyroo is reincarnated 🙂
    I felt that I needed to lay low and just get through this time, and have been reading posts and celebrating or commiserating with you all quietly in my own space. Today my little orange box says 30 and I feel lots of things – relief, gratitude, and just a tiny bit of pride! It has been interesting and I have learned a lot about my triggers – stress and exhaustion are it for me, and work is the biggest culprit. I think that the wine was a way of numbing a bad day, or a tiring day, or worry, or frustration etc etc etc. With no lotto win on the horizon, and another 10 years at least of work ahead, I figure I have to work hard on managing stress. As they say, knowledge is power, and at least I know what sets me off. I have had to “play it forward” a number of times in the past week and remind myself that it would never be “just one glass”, it would be the bottle, or probably a bottle and a half, then waking at 3am with the dry horrors and a headful of shame and regret and dragging myself out of bed at 7 to drive to work and pretend I dont have a hangover, and deal with the same stuff but have to do it feeling seedy and beating myself up about how weak I am.
    Whew, glad I have come to this point, and going gently forward with a clear head and an open heart.
    Thanks to all of you, for your posts that have given me hope and courage, for your openness and willingness to share the dark, sticky, unpleasant bits. And most of all, for knowing that I am not alone, that there are sober warriors going about this difficult work all over the world connected by our shared experience and this safe place.
    Gratitude, and peace x

    • @rubyroo2 You should feel a LOT of pride at 30 days! In my experience those days were the hardest and it gradually got much easier. It sounds like you are doing so well. Your story sounds like mine. I was miserable about drinking for a long time. I am so grateful to be sober.

    • Well done @rubyroo2, 30 days is hard won and a great foundation on which to build. There is immeasurable value in the support of our tribe and holding ourselves accountable keeps us on the right path. Well done, sober warrior, treat yourself to something special to celebrate this milestone xx

    • 30 days is great. Congratulations.

    • Everything you just said could be me, the wine to deal with stress, the one glass turning into more than a bottle, the 3am wake up and the seeding drive to work to pretend that I’m not hungover. I lived like that for a long time. I’m day 37 now and don’t ever want to go back to that. But I hear you. The wine witch calls to me on my drive home telling me I’m ok to just have one. I’m having to use all my sober skills to resist but I always am glad that I did.

    • Hi and well done! 30 days is awesome! I too, lurked for a few weeks at the beginning just pushing through each day until I felt brave enough to post. But so glad I did. You are definitely not alone, we are all in this together. You are doing great!

    • @Rubyroo2…good on you!
      Yes…that horrible anxiety/paranoia combo and physical hangover itself…NO MORE!!!☺☺
      I’m at 233 days and I am here to tell you hang over free NEVER gets old. Xoxo

    • Love your post!! It really resonated with me!! Thank you so much for sharing @rubyroo2

    • Yay, @rubyroo2!! Amazing on 30 days AF!!! That’s huge. Glad to have you posting, and looking forward to hearing more from you. xox

  • rubyroo2 became a registered member 1 year, 3 months ago