I am married almost 30 years (to the same man. Lol). I am a mother to 2 adult daughters, 1 adult son and a teenage daughter. I am a Bible believing Christian. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a very loyal person. I am a runner. I am a good friend. I am a good neighbor. I am a good housekeeper. I am many good and notable things. One thing I am not good at is moderating alcohol in my life. I cannot “sip” alcohol. I cannot let an opened bottle of any form of alcohol sit around my house. (My husbands stupid fancy beers and stupid fancy red wine do not tempt me-thank God!!). My family and closest friends have seen me at my worst too many times. I pray for them and their healing and hope their memory fails them! This has been a journey for me. I started drinking heavily in college. Drank off and on, sometimes heavily, sometimes “normal”, abstained during pregnancies but it steadily grew out of control. I started praying and praying and soul searching and begging for God’s intervention and putting in serious proactive work and more praying and digging deep into my most secretive innermost being and asking myself WHY - that’s when this process finally started to work. It was asking myself the “WHY’s” that was hard - asking every cell of my being why. I’m still answering the “why’s” and I’m still praying and I am still learning and growing. One thing I know for sure is that I cannot moderate my alcohol consumption - or Oreo’s Double Stuff or Reese’s Peanut Butter cups. Thank you @MrsD for bringing us alongside your journey and for inspiring ALL of us to inspire each other. I’ll never forget the very 1st time I found this site over a year and a half ago. I was quivering so hard to admit on “paper/screen” that I had a severe alcohol problem. I will never forget that moment. Nor will I ever forget December 10th, 2017 - my last day of consuming poison.
Such a warm and inspirational post @AprilsFool. Solitude is pure medicine, enabling you to really get into the innermost depths of your psyche and soul. Keep asking yourself questions. Lots of questions. You are a real gem. A very wise one and you are doing magnificent!!!! 131 days is AWESOME!!! Enjoy your day and please buy one small item or pick one special shell to bring home with you and remind you of this special moment on this special day of your sober, life enhancing journey.
I am so proud of myself and thankful to my friends here who get me!!! Last night was the best July 4th celebration I’ve had in years. I almost cried during the fireworks out of pure joy. We went to a friends party before fireworks. I made a complete drunk ass spectacle of myself there in front of my friend, her family and her friends PLUS my own embarrassed family – hubby AND 3 kids 4 years ago. Another traumatizing event for my poor family to endure. But. NO. Not last night. Last year was my 1st totally sober summer and I was still too embarrassed to go. But. This year?????????????………..I held my head high. Very high. You know what – I’m proud of myself. Sure, I wish that drunken event never occurred. Sure, I wish I started this journey decades ago. But. I didn’t. And I can’t change back the clock or delete events from my family’s memories. I’m just so incredibly thankful that I’ve been given this chance to redeem myself. People got to see the real me. The real woman I represent. Drinking got the best of me for yearsssss. But I’m in charge now. I get to write my next chapters. God bless America. God bless all you wonderful people who are also working on writing your next chapter. Just do not pick up that 1st drink. Easier said than done I know but still easier than embarrassing yourself, those you love and waking up with another dose of shame and guilt accompanied by a killer hangover.
Oh how wonderful your post is@R51!!!! Kind, humble redemption is simply the best reward and you experienced one of the best rewards last night! I remember so vividly in the first year of sobriety how the colors in the sky and all around me (when I was running outside) would sometimes bring me to tears, as your fireworks did to you. Amazing feelings to savor!!!
Nice post, R51. You have every right to be very, very proud. We drew the short straw in ability to handle alcohol, but that’s not our fault. You had the strength to realize the problem and pull yourself out of it. I’m with you on rule #1…never, ever raise that glass. I’ll add my rule 2….never, ever break rule #1. Really happy for you, what a great 4th.
Hats off to you for being a ray of sunshine to all those players. You just exemplified what a healthy woman looks like and how she acts. They obviously see (way too much I’m sure) the drinking side and you showed them the non-drinking side. And I’m sure you have a few parents thinking sideways about their drinking habits. What an awesome opportunity for those girls!!!
Like sucks right now @Jesss and I’m so very sorry that it does right now. Please consider antidepressants. It took me several months. Actually and then more months to finally get my right concoction and I’ve been on them for years now. My dad did commit suicide and my mom drives the crazy bus when she’s not on her meds. I have a lot of people counting on me and I’m counting on myself now too. The meds keep me where I need to be. Sending sweet hugs and love to you my sweet sweet friend.
Honestly, for me, I don’t count. I keep it blank on my page. I needed to make it more about a “lifestyle change” not counting the days. I know my quit date and every few months or so just out of curiosity I’ll google how many days it has been since my last drunk. Counting seems to work for most people but not me. And if not counting works, by all means, don’t do it! Most importantly is to commit yourself to being your healthiest, best sober self. You can do it. You are worth it!! I’m somewhere around a year and a half and I know that today I will not drink.
For now let’s focus on YOU. You don’t have to tell anyone anything. For now simply say your counting your calories and can’t afford booze calories or you started new allergy medicine and the booze doesn’t agree with it or you have acid reflux and the booze burns. But. Now we need to figure out why you are drinking. Why are you hiding booze? (Btw. I actually hid empty bottles in my boots in my closet until I could sneak them out of the house when no one was home) This is a personal journey for all of us and for me the switch finally came after my 1000 day one when I began asking myself “WHY” I was drinking? Great life with hubby and 4 kids, Blah, blah blah. But why was I self sabotaging? I had to figure this out. I started this journey for me and a year and a half of no booze now. Your bf doesn’t get it nor will he probably ever. It’s only us here that truly get it. We also are figuring out how to stop it. Read the sober stories on here, start reading all the books that others have read. You are worth it. You are worth your best life. Make a goal – do Dry July. You’ll have support from everyone everywhere since it’s a thing. And see how much better you feel without the poison in your mind and body. Stay close to us. We have all been where you are now. For now don’t worry about bf or what you need to tell anyone about your drinking. Just focus on YOU and getting through this entire day without booze. Xoxoxo
Thankyou for that lovely comment it makes me feel immediately better. And yes I know it’s the question of why I self sabotage the only thing I can relate this too is I’ve been hurt in all my previous relationships and every time one ended I would block out all my feelings by drinking as much as I could and I’ve just continued with this ever since even tho I have met the one. I don’t know if he’s going to take me back I know I need to focus on me completely but I’m so ashamed and angry at myself ☹️
Went out with hubby for dinner last night. Nice evening so wanted to eat outside. At the restaurant’s outside seating part the only seats left were stools bellied up to the bar. It has actually become normal for me now to order Diet Coke or water while sitting there. I’ve been doing this for several months now and I don’t feel uncomfortable anymore. There are no signs on the barstools that read “2 alcoholic drink minimum to sit here”. I wasn’t in the mood for soda and simply asked for water to drink. I didn’t flinch, hubby didn’t before ordering his beer and the waitress didn’t even flinch. So much of my drinking expectations were in my own head space. I drank several glasses of water and today I feel well hydrated and won’t be cursing myself during my run today. God bless us all. We CAN do this sober life!
Oh yeah – and I had dessert as well since I didn’t waste calories on liquid poison!
I was always an at home drinker and a gin drinker. When I was out or couldn’t drink for whatever reason it was not a problem. But once home – bad. Bad. Bad. I finally had to make this about ME. I quit for family, friends, etc.. But I finally realized what it was doing to ME. – my mental and physical health. Since I stopped boozing for good 18 months ago I have not felt better!! Family and friends are proud of me but most importantly I have my self worth again. I wake up each morning not disgusted and ashamed of myself and that sure does set a different tone for my day. I also have no stop OR pause button when drinking alcohol. So……knowing this I know I cannot drink that 1st drink……you can do it!!!! Hard as it sounds just do NOT pick up that 1st drink. Stay close to us @Mandles. Check in with us as often as you need. We are all in this together!!
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I joined this site almost 2 years ago after years of desperately trying to quit drinking. And by drinking I mean binge drinking, heavy drinking, all the worst drinking you can think of. About 6 months later it finally clicked for me and I haven’t had a glass of poison since 12/17. I think it’s definitely more than coincide that for the 1st time in my life I was finally able to quit for good. All my stars aligned and God answered my prayers. I echo that it eventually does get easier. Obviously I still have bad days but my 1st thought is no longer “I NEED a drink”. In fact, that thought doesn’t ever come into my mind anymore bc I’m able to fast forward that thought to reality. Thank you Mrs. D for your guidance, insight and courage. I am so thankful that life now without alcohol is sooooo much better, freer and healthier.
R51, thank you so very much!!! You are one of my “old faces” here. Always a treat to see you write here. And thanks for the compassion and kindness in your post. It sure felt like a test…and I am moving on. He was one of the reasons (along with my mother) why I read books on boundaries and assertiveness. oxoxox
I think of you so often and of how incredibly strong you are. You don’t deserve all these health problems in your life all at once. I have a large family and when 1 hurts we all hurt. Its so hard sometimes!
When I have those same feelings of jealousy of “normies” I have to ask myself – 1. What is it about that stupid ass glass of “beverage” that is soooo special?!?! I mean. Really?!?? What’s so fucking special about it?!?! And 2. I imagine that person who is holding that stupid ass toxic fucking “special” beverage that does not even taste good and start wondering – do they have unknown (to me) jealousies also??? Like they are drinking that beverage now but while I’m ordering ice cream to go WITH my 5 layer chocolate decadent cake and they can’t because they drank away their calories are they jealous? Or Are they only drinking one glass like a normie because they have to drive their drunken, raging ass partner home. Or Are they secretly drinking tonic and lime. Or are they standing there staring at me with their 1 drink image, not caring what on earth I’m saying because they could care less and are counting the minutes until they can escape and get home and drink alone until they pass out.
Anyway. You are doing amazing and you are so strong and just keep plugging away, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Love and hugs to you sweet friend!!
I’m proud of myself and I’m saying it out loud! Tonight there is no one home. No one would know if/how much alcohol I drank. It’s just me, myself and I. And. I have committed to myself that I will not poison myself anymore. I want a better life for myself. I deserve it. So – no one else would know whether or not I drank tonight. But. I would know. I would know that I set myself a goal, a challenge and I blew it. instead of giving in I am advocating for myself – my best self – my genuine, authentic, raw, sober self. I’m being intentional with myself and caring for myself. I am waking up tomorrow with no guilt, self hatred, disappointment, etc. Sober life rocks!
I too am home alone for a few days while the hubby is away and decided that after 2 days of drinking wine after work, without no prying eyes, I needed to be done, despite having two additional days before he comes home. I made it those two nights and waking this morning feeling grateful. Seems like when no one is looking, it’s a perfect time for me to indulge in my alone wine time and the hardest time to abstain. This time, I guess I was looking. Looking forward to day 3 today
NEWSFLASH: A person CAN attend a wedding sober. A person CAN dance sober. A person CAN toast the bride and groom with water. A person CAN hang with drinkers all weekend and not drink alcohol. Wow. This sure was new news to me! But. I did it!!
Something is switching in my brain. I’m no longer feeling left out or jealous of the people surrounding me drinking alcohol. I honestly don’t even want that calorie laden shit that really does not even taste good.
Yes…thank you for this reminder. 8 days AF and very grateful but the battle my brain is waging every day?? Wow! I just have to keep remembering the ZERO benefits to drinking alcohol….and the REAL problems you have when you do drink it.
Very good job! Wouldn’t it be nice to say someday: I spent a good time with people, they were eating bananas, but I liked pineapple – they ate cheese but I loved my salad – they wore jeans but I wore a skirt – they smoked but I breathed – well, it didn’t matter, we had lots of fun together! Oh, by the way – they drank beer and I drank lemonade… as I said – it didn’t matter at all, why should it? 🙂
YES YOU DID!!! You did it!! And I hope you were feeling enormously please with yourself the next morning when you woke up rested and clear headed while everyone else was suffering through a hangover and pissed away a perfectly good day. Congrats!
It’s not so special… I have always ginger in the fridge and mint and sage in the garden. Throw a slice of ginger and some leafs of mint and sage into the pot, hot water, that’s it. Sometimes with honey, sometimes pure. When I want to wake up, I take lots of ginger – that is stimulating in another way than coffee (I also like!) 🙂
This will be my 2nd fully AF summer and I must say it sure feels 500% better than going into my 1st one!!!! I don’t want to discourage anyone heading into their 1st sober summer bc it’s definitely doable!!!! Stay close to us. Keep an Af beverage in hand and in fridge at all times, plan ahead for all the picnics and parties, take advantage of non hangover mornings and grab some extra coffee time or walk outside a bit. I’m just sooooo glad I’m still on this track. This lifestyle sure has its down times and real, authentic, full on emotions and demons and problems but given the alternative to all the same but dealing with it with nasty drunk emotions and hangovers would be far worse. Staying the course. No detours for me.
Thank you for posting this today. It was exactly what I needed at this very second. I’m sitting here on my back porch. Worked all morning in the garden and ready to relax this afternoon. For the first time in weeks, the wine witch was approaching …. ‘wouldn’t a nice glass of zin taste good about now?’ (Sleazy bitch.)
This will be my first AF summer and I’m really enjoying it so far. Two more days and I’ll hit my 100 day mark. Thanks for a much needed tap in the head.
Thank you for posting @R51, I’m approaching my first AF summer and am really nervous about it. I’m more apprehensive than I was approaching the Christmas period! It’s good to hear that it is doable and that it gets easier and won’t always feel like this.
Sounds like another pretty summer for you, then @R51. Mixing alcohol into the equation when it gets soo hot and trying, as summers get, doesn’t fit well at all. You sound cool. Are you planting a garden this yr? Something like that?
Me too! I’m on day 49. After working in the yard and sitting on the deck (we call it porching) a drink sounded like a nice reward. Had to remind myself that’s not how I roll anymore. cinnamon iced tea did the trick.
I’m 6 months in and have my first holiday coming up this week, 2 weeks in Greece with my husband and friends who all drink. I’m not as worried as I was a couple of months ago, but still get that ‘well maybe I can just have a drink on holiday’ flash up :/
Thanks for the reminder @R51! I too am heading into my second AF summer. What really helped me was finding that drink that looked good in the sun but had a bite to quell my cravings. Tonic and diet cranberry or lime did it for me. I kept remembering that alcohol would only leave me dehydrated and feeling lousy. I also reminded myself that what I really wanted was the buzz, that instant mellow in the summer sun. But that meant I was an addict and I was determined to give up my addiction. “A” glass of wine or “a” beer on the deck in the sun is pure romanticization. It’s a lie. Sober summer evenings are full of promise, no drunk driving tickets, and lovely sober sleep.
I think the difference for me this time is that instead of (only) quitting drinking this time around I’m also asking myself all the why’s of my drinking. I think all this internal work and dialogue is what “recovery” is all about. Not just abstinence. Keep on keepin on!
Hey sweetie @Jesss. I didn’t get to reply yesterday but I was thinking about you. You’ve come so far and there’s no turning back now. Life sucks sometimes. And there isn’t a thing we can do about it sometimes. I’m so sorry!! Please continue to honor your sobriety and just keep doing the best you can when you can. Thoughts and cyber hugs!!!
I’m pretty proud of myself right now. Yesterday I ran a 1/2 marathon. I was always a runner, running through pregnancies – before, during and after. Still kept up with my running even after 4 kids. Thought I was really cool being able to knock back drink after drink and still run. Carbs, right?!?! Even had a shirt that I bought at a long distance race that said “will run for margaritas”. Hard to believe that booze is so infiltrated in every single area of our daily lives and events!!! But then I wasn’t so cool anymore as the “drink after drink” turned into bottle after bottle and my entire body gave up until all it could handle was the drinking. I would literally plan my long runs around my boozing. My hair thinned out, I gained weight and lost all hope. I had many teary eyed runs towards the end and begged and begged God to heal me from alcoholism that ruined my friendships and my family relationships.
Not overnight. Not all at once. But after many, many sober attempts and tear filled requests to God I finally started to claw my way out of the drunken hole I dug myself into. And. I kept digging and praying and praying some more. I started reading all the self help books, started eliminating toxic relationships, started to attempt to mend my hurting family relationships and just kept doing this. More day 1’s. More praying. One day I found this site and I started to feel not so “alone” in this process and found other likeminded souls who “get it”. I checked in here 2-3 times a day, every day. When I joined this site I was literally, physically shaking and hyperventilating when I typed the words “I think I am an alcoholic and I need to quit drinking”. That was the start of the beginning of my new life. I still had quite a few more day 1’s. But slowly – very slowly I started putting new pieces to my life puzzle that fit together. I just kept working on my own healing and growth. Didn’t worry about diet/nutrition, didn’t worry about anything e…[Read more]
I really appreciated this post. I recently came across a shirt amongst my gym stuff that reads “first run, then wine”. I bought that at the same time I was murmuring those 3am prayers for help. How tragic. Day 232 now, so grateful.
How inspiring @r51. I was a runner too. Once before my first marathon back in the 90s I took 3 months off drinking to prepare. Then I returned to drinking and running. Fully believed I could run the alcohol out of my body but missed a few long Sunday runs because I overindulged. I stopped doing both marathons and half marathons after my kids arrived 15 years ago. Eight years ago I ran and walked a half marathon and I was so slow I felt like crying. Drinking had become more important. As I approach one year I have been considering its time to work on the exercise and diet habits. I think your post just gave me that extra little bit of inspiration I needed. Thank you.
Love your authenticity and not “renaming” yourself. Lol. I’m out of state now visiting with my adult son who saw me at my worst with drinking and it’s such a wonderful blessing to have this time now sober. Glad you had that moment last night.