• mysticmama posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    @wakingowl I hope you really find much to enjoy on your retreat, and maybe this one isn’t for bringing up the heavy duty stuff, but instead it could be for filling up your tank with beautiful moments, inspiration, connection and vitality, while some of the heavy stuff just falls away like an old snakeskin! I’m visualizing that for you and your sister. You certainly sound prepared for the journey- so soar on, sober one and enjoy the ride!

  • Feeling really grateful for this forum. I just went to the “Sober Toolbox” looking for ideas/tips to help me on this emotional day and ended up sharing something that works for me, which actually got me to practice my own technique. Haha, after actually practicing what I was preaching, I feel loads better and proved to myself that it actually works. Funny, sometimes when we offer help, that’s the time we actually allow ourselves to receive it. Hugs in Space!

  • mysticmama posted a new activity comment 3 months, 3 weeks ago

    Wow, @Trace, I just read your reply and it makes soooooo much sense. I completely relate to what you laid out here. Thank you for writing this. Knowing that you’ve managed to work through all of that is inspiring and helpful beyond words.

  • mysticmama posted a new activity comment 3 months, 4 weeks ago

    Yes @Trace, lovely to hear and full of hope! My kids are older now, which is probably why I’m finally ready to look at this stuff. Before that it was just survival and then denial and then avoidance. I like that term “grage”!

  • mysticmama posted a new activity comment 3 months, 4 weeks ago

    Well, I can say that I feel much relief at this point in the day and I really let some old feelings fly up and out. Right now, I guess it’s self-care time…for all of us!

  • mysticmama posted a new activity comment 3 months, 4 weeks ago

    Thank you Agirl!

  • mysticmama posted a new activity comment 3 months, 4 weeks ago

    I love that phrase “SuperSober”! Will use it myself when having a gool ol’ sober time!

  • Wow, today is kicking me repeatedly in the sober muscle. I’ve opted to go through an online course on “Speaking Your Truth in Relationships” in order to sort through some old baggage in my marriage. I had no idea how much pain was stuffed way down deep inside me. I know it is 15 years later, but the pain of realizing that the person I chose to marry will absolutely not be showing up for me emotionally or connecting at the deep level I require, is just so vividly present today. I haven’t felt the urge to just numb this up with a quick drink, but today I want to smoke a pack of cigarettes, down a shot of vodka and scream until it doesn’t hurt anymore. I thought I was finally ready to look at this stuff but I had no idea how intense it would be. I feel like a hoarder who just looked around with the eyes of someone who’s not a hoarder and it’s just totally overwhelming. I did “follow it through” (the idea of taking a drink) and I can see that it will either be satisfying in numbing, but only lead to more satisfying for the moment by numbing, and then we’re back into dependency- not helpful! Or, it will be disgusting and then I will have just done something disgusting and feel worse. So, I am soberly going to make something beautiful out of this day. Got out some cheap canvases and some paint and I will spread some color over them. I know that as long as I’m in this marriage, there is possibility for change. But I can’t change someone else. We spent years together just being numb, drunk, disconnected fools. Now we’re sober, disconnected people who have a lot of work to do if we’re going to improve on what we started with. And I may be the only one willing to do this work. And today, let me tell you- it’s not for sissies. Anyway, I wanted to put this out there, first because I assume we all have these days, especially when we’re doing some deep dives to unlock the buried treasures under the pirate bones (ooh I like this metaphor). And second…[Read more]

    • And you are kicking back!!! Truth and reality take any imagined gloss off the first drink in a millisecond. I’m sad to hear your pain in your relationship – I’m in the same place. I have been for years. That’s exactly my problem- you can change yourself, but you can’t change someone else. Sigh. I go in and out of being ok with the fact that my husband will always be ‘apart’ from me. But it is very very painful being alone in a marriage. I love your painting strategy. What a great idea- some beautiful outpouring of it all. Well, as we say here in NZ Kia kaha- stay strong. It will still benefit you (and vicariously your husband ) to do this work. Big hugs to you across the waves.

    • I really liked your post. I feel similarly about my relationship sometimes. There’s not a lot of love in it these days. It hurts but I don’t know what to do about it. I’m also in that position of maybe I’m the only one willing to go the work needed.

      • Well, I can say that I feel much relief at this point in the day and I really let some old feelings fly up and out. Right now, I guess it’s self-care time…for all of us!

    • hey @mysticmama if you’d asked me two years ago I would have said there was no way my OH and I would be together now – decades of brushing stuff under the carpet, of disconnection, of feeling alone and then resentful and then – on my part – to criticism and bitterness. Some nights I would find myself lying in bed so resentful he could sleep while I was filled with a weird mix of grief / rage – lets call it grage! – that I found myself physically wanting to punch him. Dark days, really. I know not everybody can turn things around, but we did – it was ugly at times and it took such hard work to even get OH to recognise what I could see (he would have trundled on as we were if he could) – and then for both of us to own our side, but we got there and we are both grateful we did because the relationship we had before was unsustainable, and now, well, I wish we had done this decades ago. I am still amazed where could go from ‘that place’ to where we are now. So I guess I’m saying that yes – change, BIG change is possible, a long road and a worthwhile one. @enzedgirl I’m sorry to hear you are going through pain with this – for what its worth I’m happy to share what I think moved things for us? xoxo

      • That is so lovely to hear Trace – and also that the moment at work kinda passed, though obviously yesterday wasn’t an on-top-of-the-world one (and hell, of course we want some to pass – midfully want it of course! 🙂 🙂 🙂 )
        Does a lot in a marriage depend on the age of the children? How old are yours @mysticmama? This may be the young-children-take-most-of-energy-and-focus-time @enzedgirl. Quite remarkable upswings in relationships happen after they get a bit more independent, and certainly when they leave – make or break time is then – often.
        And it may be completely unhelpful, but do remember all those alone, struggling, no one to ever do a pile of washing or dishes let alone transport the children or put out the rubbish. That is terribly lonely and very, very hard.

      • Yes @Trace, lovely to hear and full of hope! My kids are older now, which is probably why I’m finally ready to look at this stuff. Before that it was just survival and then denial and then avoidance. I like that term “grage”!

      • That’s really inspiring @trace. (See my post above). What did you do to change this??? Grage is IT exactly! Often fuelled by alcohol…

        • hi @Agirl – it was over a lengthy period of time, so I’ll just try to pick out the key things that stick in my mind! And these are in no particular order either. Although first, I had to decide what were the deal breakers for me and what weren’t…by this time I was upset / angry at everything and I had to sift to discover what the real issues were. Lack of real connection of course was the guts of it – which led to: no fun in the relationship, no sharing, not feeling like my partner ‘had my back’, etc. I felt like he didn’t actually care at all, which wasn’t right as it turns out. Dealbreakers included him bringing up certain things or saying certain things to hurt me, weapons he had used in the past, that I could no longer tolerate. A favourite game was to drive me into an emotional mess and then pull out the ‘hysterical’ card. Belittling my emotions, or ignoring them, the list goes on now that I think of it! Also using the kids in any way to get back at me for how he felt. Also, I decided I couldn’t continue running on 10% of what I thought a relationship could be and that I would be willing to leave if things couldn’t change, but I must be stubborn because even though everything in our history told me we were stuffed, I held hope anyway (not all the time, just enough of the time). The big turning point with him, was when I managed to put what was missing into language he understood (actually I think I used a youtube clip at one point) – at the same time as disrupting the story he was telling himself about our relationship. And that story, that he had always held, was that I was always going to leave him anyway. He’d managed to hold that for nearly 25 years! So things would get bad between us, and deep down he would be going “oh yeah, well you’re just going to leave” and so he’d become a right a-hole in ‘defense’ and become emotionally unavailable and I’d feel unheard and then angry and around and around we would go…I can still remember the…[Read more]

    • That makes so much sense. Thank you. I think you are amazing. You have worked so incredibly hard to make this work. And work well. I don’t really know what to say. Thank you.

      • Wow, @Trace, I just read your reply and it makes soooooo much sense. I completely relate to what you laid out here. Thank you for writing this. Knowing that you’ve managed to work through all of that is inspiring and helpful beyond words.

  • mysticmama posted a new activity comment 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    Hi kjpeche! Happy New Year! I’ve found reading books and blogs the most supportive tools thus far (16 months?) as well as switching out drinks with n/a drinks I love and if you possibly can, find a sober buddy. Mine happens to be my husband, but I have one really great friend who is solidly sober 10+ yrs. And while she works the 12 steps, she’s not pushy about it. The best books I read (you can get kindle of all these) are “Mrs. D is Going Without”, “This Naked Mind”, “Kick the Drink Easily” and I can’t remember the name of the book right now, but she’s the founder of “sexy sobriety”…if you look that up it will lead you to her book, blog and I think you can actually join an online support program she offers for $, but hey, if you know AA isn’t your path, it may be worth it to get juiced about being alcohol free. And mat I just add that for me, it is the focus on that- the freedom that is inherent in not being on that alcohol carousel that keeps thinks feeling like a great choice I’m making for myself, across the board, hands-down the winning choice for me when living alcohol free, as opposed to some kind of forced deprivation. I send you support from NY, and lots of ease and grace on your journey!

  • mysticmama posted a new activity comment 7 months, 2 weeks ago

    Oh! Living Sober…hahahaha…just got that!

  • mysticmama posted a new activity comment 7 months, 2 weeks ago

    Hi Joy, thanks for your message! One question though, what is LS? I’m not up on all the lingo:-) lol!

  • mysticmama posted a new activity comment 7 months, 2 weeks ago

    Yes! It is a good reflection to check and see how crazy it was in my head/day-to-day living versus the “normies” non-attached feelings about booze! I guess that’s why a forum like this is so necessary and awesome! We all awoke from the same nightmare!

  • mysticmama posted a new activity comment 7 months, 2 weeks ago

    So grateful for this forum…you know I don’t think I really processed what my panic around my cousin’s visit was showing me, until I posted about it here! Thanks for the support/ feedback Tom4500!

  • mysticmama posted a new activity comment 7 months, 2 weeks ago

    Welcome margiemc! There’s lots of support and understanding in this space!

  • Hi everybody! I just spent the Thanksgiving holiday with a cousin of mine whom I hadn’t seen in 2 years. I’ve been sober since Sept 2017, but when she asked what she could bring via text, she listed off all types of alcohol, lol! I had a weird panicky moment that I haven’t felt in a long time, because I’m now used to social situations where people will be drinking, but I realized she didn’t know I’d gone alcohol free and I thought about how before I quit I would have been bummed if I knew in advance that no one would be drinking with me. I think for problem drinkers, when others are imbibing, it takes the pressure off the fact that you would happily guzzle all the booze and if they’re NOT drinking, you are going to drink anyway and the fact that it’s not “take it or leave it” for you is really up in your face…amiriiight? So I answered that she could bring any of the things she suggested or just to bring herself! I wanted her to feel comfortable no matter what her relationship to alcohol is currently ( I think we’ve all experienced how that can change)…but it turned out that she’s a happy “take it or leave it” gal with no hint of a problem and we had a lovely sober time. So, I guess I’m sharing this to remind myself that my panic moment came from imagining that she might have a problem like I had a problem but might not be ready to face it and that she might be uncomfortable with the anticipation of a sober time at my house or even worse a hyper-controlled “managing the perception of my drinking in front of sober people” because THAT IS WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE!! I can’t believe how much the relationship I had with alcohol overshadowed all of my social interactions. That panic? I LIVED with that panic if not every day, every night at 3 AM when my poor detoxing body would scream at me to wake up and face the music. I am so grateful to be free from that, from the toxic relationship and I’m happy to see it only pop up now and again from the other…[Read more]

    • Really liked this post, mama, and I think that your reply to her was great. Yes, we’re so much better off now. I too still have these lingering little social issues that I kind of wish would just go away…..I seem to make a bigger deal out of drinking/non drinking issues, that what they really are, what they deserve. Probably just another of those symptoms that just takes time to grow comfortable with. This going AF is surely much more complicated than I thought it would be back on day 1. Maybe I make it that way, maybe it shouldn’t be that complicated. Okay, now I’m rambling, I better go. Once again, nice post. A lot of food for thought there.

      • So grateful for this forum…you know I don’t think I really processed what my panic around my cousin’s visit was showing me, until I posted about it here! Thanks for the support/ feedback Tom4500!

    • Great to get your post I was obsessed in the morning waiting to wine o’clock not I’m obsessed with LS I know which I prefer lol. All the best happy sober Tuesday. Merry Christmas

    • Yes! It is a good reflection to check and see how crazy it was in my head/day-to-day living versus the “normies” non-attached feelings about booze! I guess that’s why a forum like this is so necessary and awesome! We all awoke from the same nightmare!

  • mysticmama posted an update 1 year ago

    Thank you @kirst and @liberty…it’s true we enjoyed summer as kids AF, and I know it IS freedom. And yes, it is never just a first drink, it is a first drink of a series of drinks that all lead to the same awful place. Thanks for the support! I’m feeling back on my game.

  • mysticmama posted an update 1 year ago

    First summer without alcohol…I thought the winter holidays would be the worst for dreaming about a drink, but I’m noticing that I have these thoughts about that “someday” when I try out drinking again and have control over it. I know I’m at the point where I’m forgetting how awful it really was, and remembering only the fun times. Anybody have some tips for dealing with the part that thinks maybe I wasn’t so bad after all? ;-/

    • Kirst replied 1 year ago

      Only you know how bad you were… And seeing how it brought you here, it might have been bad huh?! Don’t think to far into the future when it comes to drinking.. Just focus on each moment and think what would drinking (not the first sip or glass but all that follows) add to this moment? My answer is always nothing, it would add nothing and take away so much!

    • A lot of people seem to find summer hard @mysticmama. The fun, light expansive time. We don’t have to give up fun but perhaps we have to train ourselves to reassociate fun with being AF. We did it when we were kids effortlessly! We can do it again. Maybe the trick is to consciously ensure you have fun times AF. Try telling yourself you’ll go a summer AF and prove to yourself you can have fun without it. Alcohol will always be there, if you want to drink it again in future. It ain’t going anywhere. Looking back at old posts can be a good reminder of where we don’t want to be again.

    • For me drinking took up so much headspace, I hated waiting for 5pm to come, so much wasted time… sober is soo much better, so much more time, you gain so much by being sober yet gain nothing from drinking! I gave in to that little voice of complacency when I gave up last year… after a few stops and starts i realised that it inevitably returns to drinking more than I wanted to and then feel rubbish about it! Stick with sober, it’s so much better xx

  • mysticmama‘s profile was updated 1 year, 2 months ago