• Ro posted an update 10 months, 3 weeks ago

    Day 436 sober
    Day 101 clean
    Howdy team hope every one is tracking well. So it looks like I’ll be needing the tart cherry on board for some time for it to start working,as one dose last night didn’t work. I did read several testimonials and it works well for some people fairly quickly and not so fast acting for others.
    Can’t say I’ve done a lot so far today. Went a met a couple of cobbers from work, caught up on the goss and had brunch. About to shower daughter-she has hair like rapunzel so I end up drenched. Have several loads of washing to hang up-getting a bit late in the day but I’ll just leave it out.
    And then I’m going to park up on the couch and watch something on the idiot box. Only a few days left till back to work-can’t say I’m feeling that enthusiastic about it.
    For those of you struggling-you are doing a great thing for yourself. Self improvement is tough, but good things are, and its SO worth it, so keep up the fight and take it easy out there. Keep yourself safe and avoid situations that put you in danger of losing sight of why you are here. It doesn’t concern anyone else right now, so don’t let other people influence you. You are strong and remember drugs and alcohol are not oxygen, they are not required for life, you will not die without them. One foot in front of the other and keep moving forward.
    KIA KAHA

    • I thought you said cobblers from work, and was like, she works in a show shop now? Haha. Not sure what a Conner is, but sounds friendly. Keep us posted on the cherry juice. I’m freaking tired!

      • Cobber is Aussie slang for friend lol generally we have a kind of good humoured rivalry with Australia and most of us Kiwi’s will have family there. Usually I say mate was just mixing it up a bit @robynb πŸ˜‰ hope you get some well needed rest my friend

    • Hey @Ro I meant to say congrats on the big hundy yesterday m8.

      You’re a legend πŸ™‚

  • marmite posted an update 1 year, 8 months ago

    Craving like crazy. Constant chatter in head. “A bottle of wine would solve everything” “how fucking lame was your 40th? What’s happened to party girl?” “come on, let’s have a laugh and let loose” “it’s your 40th, you deserve this, let’s get wild”
    Fuck off wine witch.

    • Maybe read your journal here, your profile talks about the way moderation didn’t work. I am not sure if that helps sometimes it’s like a bracing glass of water to the face. I hope it gets easier… xo @Marmite.

    • Happy birthday. You are doing great @marmite.

    • I am with you!! Fuck off Wine Witch!!! We outnumber her marmite!
      You can do this ..we can all do this…stay strong! Xo

      • @marmite ~ Ugh, hate that wine witch with a passion! She’s a liar, a thief and a con-artist. She will say anything to make you drink. She’ll whisper & yell and tell you anything you want to hear just to get you to pick up. Don’t give her the satisfaction. F**k her, she’s not worth it, you’re the better person. That Wine Witch ain’t my boss that’s for damn sure. Tell her to take a hike and lose your number.

    • How are you doing @marmite? I hope you were able to shut her down!! That voice sure can be tricky but you are stronger!

      • Thanks all for your kind words. finally she is quiet, at last, some peace. I’ve come so far now, I couldn’t bear to start again….. again. I should have planned ahead more and had plenty of treats to make sure the weekend still felt extra special. I think I took my eye of the ball there and as always, alcohol looked like the easy solution, party in a bottle?

    • @marmite Have a very lovely birthday. Maybe do something that will make you feel amazing, whatever that may be. One thing is for sure, wine never does that, it tries to con us it will, but then it gets a grip and that one glass is never one glass. Happy fun 40th without wine xxx

    • That right! That fucking wench!! Hope it’s a wonderful 40th!! Xoxoxo

    • You’re so cute @marmite. The wine wench doesn’t stand a chance. Nothing lame about waking up with blissful clear head – happy 40th πŸ™‚

    • xoxooxox

      Happy fun 40th without the poison and hangover and shame and heart pounding like crazy. 40 is only the beginning of fun, the real fun. And real fun is sober fun.

      oxoxox Go gettem girl! Wine witch has nothing against your powerful and resilient heart.

    • I don’t know quite what happened @amy but your post really helped. I felt like I was desperately trying to hold a door shut with all my worries and emotions behind it. Breathe into it, that reached me for some reason, I did that and felt the springs of tension release. Thank you, I instantly felt better and I still feel better this morning, the tension has gone. No more trying to hold that door shut, lean into it and breathe into it. Wow.

  • Well this is rather trivial, but I think we’re staying in tonight, and we’ve finished our Netflix series. All eight seasons. Any suggestions for a new one? And, we don’t get HBO. Thanks!

    • Hey @Tom4500. Have you watched the new one called Ozark? Very good. Prison Break is another good one. I also was engrossed wit The Keepers, a well done documentary. I wasn’t sure which one you were watching.

    • Hi Tom. We’ve been watching “Broadchurch”, a British television crime drama. Not sure what channel it’s on since I’m not in charge of the remote (haha). We also enjoyed the series “Big Little LIes”. There was one called “Justified” probably available on Netflix which takes place in Kentucky. We also got addicted to “Sons of Anarchy”, available on Netflix. And “Rectify” is pretty good also. Can you tell we watch a lot of TV??? Haha!! πŸ™‚

      • I liked the British Broadchurch also, family likes Ozark going to tune in soon. We liked Bloodline until the last season and ditto on House of Cards.

    • I liked Ozark too.

    • ooh @tom4500 can you see if you can get ‘Outlander’ ? Its probably an easier bet to find it on dvd. Also ‘ Black Sails’ is really good, and easy to believe seeing as it is based on some true characters πŸ™‚

    • Do you like British mysteries? I recommend Line of Duty, Vera, and George Gently. I got involved with the Americans for about a week but I’m on a break for a while. It is entertaining if you can get over preposterous parts. I watch on Amazon, so I’m not sure if these are on Netflix. A good tv series is a great distraction for me.

    • i have just finished the first season of Ozark Really enjoyed it

    • If you have Netflix you can probably see Halifax and Happy Valley as well @tom4500 – both UK dramas and very good.

  • Looks like today is a 2-postings kind of Sunday.

    Hubby and I did the usual brisk morning walk around the lake, admiring all of the beautiful wild flowers (yellow, purple, orange, white, red, green) and the baby bunnies and birds and lovely Midwest Americans greeting us with this lovely Midwest smile and heartfelt: “Gooooood moooorniing!”

    Where I am from (Northern Europe) we don’t greet strangers, and most of the time we would not even make eye contact or smile at them. I soak up this friendliness like a towel. Thank you, sweet sweet Midwesterners. Heartland it is.

    But that’s not the reason I felt like writing a second post. My anxiety/depression set in right after that brisk walk. This is not unusual for me, as Sunday is 9/10 the day I struggle the most with mental health and balance. It always seemed as if Sunday was “the last day and time is ticking, tick tock”, which is a false belief.

    Monday is not dangerous. Nothing bad is going to happen on Monday. It’s just another day. My lessons will go well. I might have to deal with the difficult student or coworker here and there, but nothing I haven’t successfully navigated in the past ten years working in education. I got this. Now, the only task is to reshape my brain to actually believe it and feel it and incorporate it into thought patterns.

    It’s exhausting to feel like Sunday morning started, and I HAVE to have it all fixed before I go to bed. There are some specific situations, such as fall teaching assignments, and then vague and lifelong or long-term topics that keep coming back. It’s like groundhog day.

    But today, the sober tools I learned from this forum, the books I read, therapy, watching online talks etc. combined with sobriety have made a real difference. I was full on expecting to be wailing under the shower, telling my husband (again) I am a failure and will never fix everything (specifically my career question and feeling like I do not belong in this town and country).

    But that did not…[Read more]

    • I posted the documentary. I’m so happy you were able to watch it and gain something out of it. I related to the first woman (binge drinker) and the group of moms. Definitely some triggers there.

      Good job on allowing yourself to feel your feelings today and looking for ways to work through them. One day at a time.

      Ps I’m a midwesterner πŸ™‚

      • Thanks so much for posting it!! I watched it an hour after reading your post. Lots of good research information in it as well. I liked how they talked about it being a spectrum. Not a black/white you are either a ‘real’ alcoholic or you’re not in danger. xoxoxox

    • @mari135 I am studying. I’m 45. I was too impatient to get a graduate degree so I’ve shuffled through with diplo as and certificates. Now I’m doing a masters.

      There’s plenty of time πŸ™‚

      I really like your writing. And I’m so happy for you that you are on top and changing some things for yourself. I get how enormous it is.

      Have a great Monday πŸ™‚

      • Thanks so much enzedgirl!
        And you rock it!!!!

        No excused for me, I know lots of people who went back to school and they kicked ass. Time to crank up the lifeplan goals and get to work.

        oxoxox

      • Ya now @enzedgirl girl if by nxt year still A.F thinking bout completing Addiction Councelling diploma-lol think I’ve got personal knowledge to do it and be effective πŸ˜‰ already got psych degree lol lol and had been looking at doing Masters in eating disorders but lol bit too close to home lol.

    • xooxxo
      I like how in buddhism they teach that it is not ‘my shame’ or ‘your shame’, but rather shame all humans experience. We all do. And shame causes us to hide and isolate (I sure did that…) and it grows in hiding. Self-compassion is the healing path out of toxic self shaming. And we all deserve compassion. There is enough for everyone.

      oxoxxo

    • Thanks @mari135. I love your writing style. I’m sitting here trying to hold back the tears as I identify with the wee girl. The sad, scared wee girl in me. I am under quite a dark cloud of depression and have just started back on meds. I know a lot of stuff in my head, I’m just not sure how to connect with it on a deeper level. That’s what I’m looking for now. Thanks for sharing, I haven’t watched the doco, maybe later….
      Take care xx

      • oxoxox
        You have my compassion, depression is very real. oxox
        I hope you have the support you deserve and a good counselor to work with. Mine has been a lifeline in this recovery journey.

    • Thanks for sharing your path to healing Mari. So brilliantly described ( future, writing! )
      I think you have nailed it why Sundays can be soooo difficult. I was feeling it yesterday but no such depth of thought, though I did try to question the depression, loneliness, despair, pain, frozen ness. Got nowhere even after yoga and seeing someone to break through the lonely feelings.
      No use. Went to sleep.

      • oxoxo Thanks a lot morgan!
        And some days going to sleep is all we can do. And that’s ok.
        oxoxoxo

        • Yes, just not everyday as is tempting in our chilly winter. I adore the Yogi teas, so will try the peach thank you.

    • You are truly a gifted, compassionate writer. Thanks for your beautiful heartfelt post.

      • oxoxox Thanks so much freedom1025!
        I think there will come a day when it’s all said and done, but until sobriety is my new normal I’d rather keep a close eye on what exactly is going on and why it drove me into drinking.
        oxoxo

        Hope you’re having a fabulous day!

    • @mari135 hang in there. You seem to have so many deep lurking thoughts and feelings on your plate. I think writing them all out on this forum is wonderful therapy for you. Remember you telling me that you had contact with an old friend, an old friend with a lot of drunk times with and he only remembered the good about you. People are so easy to forgive, it’s forgiving ourselves that is the tough part In this life. You know, you are here right now in this place for a reason, and everything that happened good or bad has made you the wonderful person you are right now. I’m sure you have shitty memories and screwed up events that are hard to look back on but they made you who you are, and I think you seem to be a wonderful, talented person πŸ™‚ drink your yogi tea and read the attachements to the bags, I love reading those! Also try kava kava, Egyptian licorice and ginger all my favorite πŸ™‚ you are growing everyday!! And doing an awesome job at it. Xoxoxox

      • Thanks so much ashleyintheus! xoxo It sure feels good to read and write here. There will probably come a day when sobriety feels like the new normal and I won’t be checking in here as often anymore, but until that day comes, it will be part of building a new house on a solid brick foundation.

        The one part that got to me in the documentary was how dangerous binge-drinking is. That was definitely me. I could go without drinking for weeks, never drank in the mornings, never got into any “obvious” problems like a DUI etc. that have social consequences. But….that does not mean it was harmless and ok what I did.

        The kava kava sounds great! I have the Egyptian licorice and love it too πŸ™‚

        Look at us go. I am proud of everyone here who is working through things.

        oxoxxo

    • Lovely writing @mari135. I like the way that you manage your anxiety proactively, rather than simply ignoring it and hoping that it goes away.

  • Day 1 nearly done, feeling much better, took all your suggestions on board, bought a big bottle of organic cranberry juice, no sugar added so it’s naturally very sour but with lots of sparkling water is perfect. So that was my treat tonight. Even went for a little run/walk round the block in the thickest fog I’ve ever seen. I’d like to order another book on sobriety, I’ve read Mrs D’s first book and Jason Vale’s Kick the drink. What else do you recommend?

  • Mari135 posted an update 2 years ago

    Day 69
    10:40am

    Almost 70 days. That does feel nice.
    Today is a special day number 69 because last night a “first”. A first sober night out on a friend’s farm up in Northern Illinois. A sober first of driving my hubby, and some of his old high school/college buddies around small country towns while everyone was boozing, …..but me.

    Back in graduate school I was right alongside them, pounding back beer after beer after beer.
    God, I remember arriving at the farm, and all I could think of was: “I hope they have cold bud light in the fridge in their garage. I wonder how much they have. Maybe we should bring more just so we won’t run out. When can I get my first bud light without looking like a needy weirdo to other? (the irony….)
    Then a good 8-10 or more beers in, I was only “working” on holding a full can. If the can was slowly getting past the 50% full, I’d start to already think about the next one. The next morning after ” a night at the farm” was always HORRIBLE. Caps lock well deserved here. HORRIBLE hangovers, that lasted all day long. I’d wake up around 5am the first time with the sun coming right into the guest bedroom. I’d wake up again at 5:30am and then 6:am etc, finally peeling myself out of the heat/sweat/sun/pain/disgusting mouth taste and hammering headache. Bah.

    Who does that? Right. Me. I did that. Because I am an alcoholic or whatever label it is. I definitely abused alcohol in order to abuse myself.

    But….not last night.

    Last night was a fun soberina night, I was the dedicated driver, and LOVED loved loved being the one able to say at 1:30am: “Alright guys, that was fun, but I am in my early 30’s and it’s past bed time.” Like wayyyyy past bed time haha. My hubby drank a bit, but compared to everyone else he was a lightweight and also switched to water before we drove home.

    Around 2am my head hit the pillow. At 7am the sun woke me up and I GLADLY (caps lock again!!) pushed the window of the guest bedroom open, let the fresh…[Read more]

    • That was a beautiful description of your morning. Enjoying all the little things that we miss when we are hung over and miserable. So delightfully motivating! ❀️ Thank you!

    • JanB replied 2 years ago

      Great @Mari135 for your D70 and a wonderful Super Soberista fun night out. When a person on the AF journey finally realizes that they are NOT ‘missing out’ of anything, BUT gaining soooo much, the whole world opens its arms wide open to infinite possibilities! Go Girl!!!! Love Ya, xxx

      • So well said, and thanks so much JanB!
        Lots of love right back at ya!

        oxoxoxx

    • @mari135 WOW: caps lock intended πŸ™‚ sounds like you rocked your evening!!! And had fun too…. it’s funny how our brain romances alcohol, but then seeing the reality is so very powerful. Enough to knock the booze witch on her knees. Day 70 and 69 are both days to be exceptionally proud of. Happy to read all of this. I hope you continue to have a lovely day xoxoxox

      • Thanks so much ashleyintheus!

        It was quite eye-opening how pretty much around 10pm I felt already like I could go home and had a “more than full” evening. That was me in the past, the drunk “truth-deep philosophical-poisoned-octopus” stumbling around.

        No more.

        xooxoxo

    • Wow.

    • I loved reading that.

      It does make me angry how drinking people try to get sober people to drink.

      I hate to say I have probably in the past said “C’mon, have a drink with us!”

      But I don’t think I ever *repeatedly* tried to get someone to drink when they said they weren’t drinking.

      Anyway. What a great experience for you and what a nice time you had the next morning! Just fab πŸ™‚

      • Thank you so much, enzedgirl!

        One of my friends probably asked me 4 times, like each time they passed another round of beer on our kayak trip or afterwards. He also really dug in one time and asked: “But why?”

        What gets me if you tell someone “I am not eating pizza anymore because….none of your business.” Nobody would really wonder or ask. BUT….good ole poison alcohol…..and you find yourself justifying it as if it’s a court case at times.

        The lesson I took from this evening was that I no longer care. I chirped my answer, thought of Mrs. D’s book and this forum, and felt very much so empowered.

        Beers passed my face left and right, and I had brought my trusted overpriced and imported mineral water. I even dreamed myself away every now and then, thinking about how HAPPY my body must be to receive these nutrients (potassium, magnesium, etc) from my water.

        Why don’t you have a beer? Come on, you can have just one!!

        No, thank you. Nope. Nope. Nope.

        πŸ™‚

        xoxoxoxo

    • Love this. This is yours to keep my love.

    • You are doing so well @mari135 congratulations on day 69 πŸ™‚ I love to think of you telling them ‘Nope. I dont drink’! GO YOU πŸ™‚ XX

      • Lizzy, thanks a lot!!

        I am not gonna lie, I was a bit proud when I put my head on the pillow and thought about driving home in the morning and posting about it here. Knowing this forum exists made me not even feel left out last night. I knew I had places to be (the forum and therapy next week) and things to do (like drinking healthy water and pomegranate juice)

        oxoxox

        Hope your weekend is going well!

    • Your post illustrates really well how much fun we can have without alcohol and all the terrible aftermath that comes with it. Lovely! Good for you!

      • elhall, thank you!!!

        xoxoxo

        It really used to be a terrible aftermath. Seeing them all literally just HOURS later….when the thief called ethanol had already come back to town to collect their debt they owed.

        Was it worth it to have those hours of “fake fun”?
        No. Not at all.

    • Aww this is so fabulous. I really enjoyed feeling my way through your experience. Reminds me of similar regrets of my past. Gah what were we thinking. Obviously not much πŸ™‚ xx

      • Thanks so much, seedynomore!
        xoxxoox
        I know..what was I thinking in the past?? All those mornings I missed out on. All of that unnecessary suffering.

        It was a good day today. I am off to bed soonish after a bubble bath, Netflix, and a tea.

    • gypsyrose, thank you so much!!!!
      What a sweet reply!!!
      Hope you are having an amazing Sunday!
      oxxoxoxo

    • Gilbert, thank you so much! I really appreciate it.xoxoxo

    • JM replied 2 years ago

      Hi @Mari135! Congrats on 70 days!! : ) You write such great posts – spot-on description of the obsessing if there’ll be enough + the horrible next day. I was at a party tonight at a farm too, at my uncle’s. Low-key and lovely, not much drinking. I told a few cousins with whom I’m close that I no longer drink. Feels good to say. Happy day 70! And cheers to us for waking up with clear, shame-free heads! xo

      • Thank you, JM!!
        And it sounds like you navigated the farm-alcohol-free-fun as well this weekend, way to go!!!!
        oxoxox

    • Wow @mari135, wow. I could relate to and visualise so much of your post. I’ve saved it. You did so well.

      • marmite, thanks so much!!!
        I hope you are having a fabulous Sunday!!
        oxoxox

  • marmite posted an update 2 years ago

    Bought some houseplants this week with my sober treat money. I’ll probably kill them, i normally do, but for now I’ll just enjoy them. It’s amazing how much money I wasted on booze which brought relief and fun for a couple of hours but then brought such misery. Now, i spend that money on things that make me smile on the inside, many of these treats keep giving day after day after day. They offer genuine happiness, contentment and celebration.
    marmite 4 sobriety 4 eva
    Pink clouds rulez!

    • Oh and, day 85 whoop whoop, i thought I was all fixed and drank after 100 days last time (yeah, disconnected brain that day). Looking forward to moving past that number, won’t be doing that again!

    • Who knew? Well done @marmite. Keep trucking onwards and upwards.

    • SueK replied 2 years ago

      I made that mistake once too, of thinking 100 days sober meant I was fixed. Not!! Being sober forever is such a better place to be and place to be going.

    • Good work @marmite xx. So lovely to see you on Saturday πŸ™‚

    • Me too! I have this urge to buy houseplants but my crazy dogs eat them. Oh well, says I. I also like to buy bedding plants for the garden which don’t really yield that much. But that’s not the point really…it’s a fresh, hopeful hobby and it gives us happiness! So let’s buy more plants πŸ™‚

      • Good on you pink clouded @marmite. I love your idea of spending booze money. Your home will be beautifully fragrant with lovely candles. You can buy some lovely house plants that are durable. And congratulations on day 85. I never got past day 65 so well done on getting past the iccck time !! Much love xxx

    • Yay @marmite !! So nice meeting you in person xx

  • Lillyz posted an update 2 years, 1 month ago

    I have read somewhere before – ‘Alcohol is your best friend until it becomes your enemy’ – and isn’t that the truth. Alcohol first started out as fun, something to enjoy with friends. A reason to relax and let my hair down. It has been VERY good company many times. It was a good excuse to treat myself after a hard day. It was a good excuse to treat myself ‘just because’ I am an adult. I deserve this. However -slowly and surely it has become a necessity. Slowly it has me hooked. SHIT.

    I have read Allen Carr’s book – great book. It makes a lot of sense. However – I still seem to convince myself to have a drink. I convince myself that I can handle this. It is fine to have some drinks every now and then. I may go a few days without a drink, and then I feel really chuffed that I actually did, and talk myself into the fact that hey, I am fine…..I am good as gold and I can handle this. So I jump in the car and head off to the supermarket and buy a nice creamy buttery chardonnay.

    About 4ish – (I sit with a tiny bit of guilt but that soon passes) – I look at the full glass of wine…….. smiling. I take the first sip…… the first one never really tastes that nice – but everyone after that is superb. I then finish the bottle and think…….. mmmmm I feel like a tiny bit more. So I go to the bourbon bottle and have a glass or two of that. Now this is not every time but over the past 6 months has been becoming more regular. Usually around 8pm I am quite drunk and sleepy but content. However – I know I am not going to sleep well or have a nice day tomorrow. It will be a very slow day. I drift off to sleep only to wake up a few hours later – head pounding, heart racing, stomach churning, feeling a bit sick. I vow to myself this will never happen again. I even pray that it would never happen again. I wish I could just get up and vomit it all up so I could be normal again. But alas, the next 36 hours are nasty. I look bad, I feel bad, and I feel so deflated and…[Read more]

    • Wow, what a powerful post @lillyz. I relate so much to your story i got goosebumps reading it, transported me right back there *shivers*. You did so well last night, good planning. This group is my main sober tool, i read and post most days, and i also find the podcast Recovery Elevator really good. Nice to meet you!

    • It’s good to see you back. Been a long 2 years, hasn’t it? Believe in yourself. You can succeed! Congratulations on day 3! πŸ™‚

    • @Lillyz that’s an interesting place you are at with your drinking and hugely commend you for seeing that there are some aspects that are not healthy or satisfying. I think you have to define what kind of life you want in the future, and decide if and how you will stop drinking from your motivation to live that life. If it’s important you will find the right way.

      I was at a similar point to you 6 years ago. I should have given up alcohol then. I didn’t. I prioritised other things. When I look back now I think I wasted 6 years of my life and ended with a big crash. I managed to moderate my drinking (for a while) I managed to stop (for a while) at the end of the day I have been programmed to be a problem drinker and for me the only way to be the person I deserve to be is to leave it.

      A good analogy is, it’s a bit like the gambling. The casinos want you to stay in their building because the longer you stay at the table, the greater chance they have of winning your money. The longer I stayed with alcohol, the less chance I had of being the best partner, parent, friend, colleague and human. Like the gambler in the casino, the chances of me winning were diminished the longer I stayed with alcohol.

      I’m pretty open with my abstinence, I feel that it helps me connect with people and make me proud for the decision I have made. If people ask me why; I tell them that I’ve come to a point where I’m happier not drinking alcohol. The conversation usually ends there as it’s an honest answer. My only recommendation (and please don’t feel this is judgemental) to you would not to feel shame for not drinking. Filling your glass with redcurrant juice is no different to the alcoholic who puts vodka in their green tea (yep that was me). It’s about being ashamed about something. Never feel ashamed for being sober or trying to be sober and to be sober you need to loose shame.

      Good luck with your journey, you’ve got this.

      • Thank you Zinny. I love what you said…’not to feel shame for not drinking’ It is quite strange – I actually did feel a bit ashamed for the simple fact that I can’t handle drinking well at all.
        Allen Carr talks of brainwashing…. our society is F Up….with drinking culture. It really is sad.
        Thanks for saying “you’ve got this. Step by step …. πŸ˜‰

    • Such a powerful post, thanks so much for sharing this!!
      oxoxoxo
      You can do this. You can live happily without alcohol.
      Day 3 is just the beginning.
      Way to go!!

  • Help.
    My drinking is too much.
    My daughter is home from Uni and found me asleep on the sofa after drinking 1 and a half bottles of wine. A bottle a night is normal. But more last night cos of Easter weekend. She was furious, called me an alcoholic and wants to talk in the morning. Feel so ashamed.

    • It feels awful doesn’t it. I still shudder at how I let my kids down in the past because of booze.
      For me, drinking alcohol was like drinking shame. It was running through my blood that shame.
      There’s a better life for you without that and even though it might seem impossible it isn’t. We are all here to support you and help you and you’ll find many here have been in similar situations to yours.
      Big hugs xo

    • Aargh I know how that feels and yes it does feel awful! My kids are younger but their disgust with me was always obvious and towards the end of my drinking days they would straight up ask me why I drink so much and fall asleep fully clothed on top of my bed. I can still clearly picture their angry rigid faces, waiting for me to tell them I’m going to do something about it. Yeah it is embarrassing but its ok because we know its a problem and are working on a solution. Thats all we can do for our kids xx

    • Hi @Fogless that sounds really upsetting. Where do you want to go from here? Do you feel its time to quit? Or cut down? Whatever you decide we can support you. Xx

  • Ok, here we go.. Recipe for Glamorgan sausages (vegetarian)
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/glamorgansausages_67636 @prudence @mslsober

  • …getting to a place where I no longer even want to drink felt impossible – but it happened. Part of the puzzle has been understanding what was driving my emotions – and a lot of this stuff goes back to childhood. No blame but just to understand what created that empty feeling that drinking seemed to help temporarily fill up …until the next morning. If you are just starting out or struggling keep on keeping on, its not always easy but you are so worth it. Wanted to share this cool piece from Tiny Buddha on this topic

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/stop-hurting-others-mistreated/

    Break the Cycle: How to Stop Hurting Others When You Were Mistreated By Vishnu

    β€œWhat’s broken can be mended. What hurts can be healed. And no matter how dark it gets, the sun is going to rise again.” ~Unknown

    I grew up with difficult and hurtful parents who spoke critically, with the intent to demean.

    Each word of sarcasm, each thinly veiled joke or put-down undercut my self-esteem. Each knocked me down a rung in life and kept me from my potential.

    Rampant comparisons to other Indian kids succeeding academically, attacks of my mediocre performance at school, and harsh language were my mother’s weapons of choice.

    When someone attacks your self-esteem repeatedly, you feel beat down. It feels like you were meant to fly, but your own family is making you drown.

    Then, your natural tendency might be to do to others what someone has done to you.

    My tendencies were to judge and compare others in my mind, to taunt and verbally attack them. It was fitting then, I guess, that my career path led me to becoming a lawyer, now an ex-lawyer.

    As I got into the habits of sabotaging and hurting others, I never thought much about it. I just assumed that because my parents had talked to me harshly and treated me badly, I had the license to do the same to others.

    Others could handle the pain because I had. Others could endure a verbal lashing because I had. Others could handle emotional abuse b…[Read more]

  • Just been watching Mom, where they accidentally eat cookies containing pot. So funny, but with a lot of great comments about sobriety at the end of the episode.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8koy5rHMhg

  • janus2 posted an update 2 years, 7 months ago

    Well well well gonna be two posts or maybe just 1 not sure if I have energy for 2nd so will ponder. Had a real positive day till 2.30. Went to my Rational Recovery group today. I blardy shocked myself for stating my opinion! Rational Recovery is based on you have a “choice” to pick up. Talks heaps bout addictive pathway of our brain-seratonin dopamine receptors all I find interesting as bipolar I am lacking both. But what surprised me was for once I found my voice. I was strong,forthright,adult (bout farkn time) and you kniw what it felt fabulous. I think I posted I saw a guy I was in rehab with in 2011 for yr to 2012. He came to the group as well, we laughed, as when were in group in rehab we were kicked out of group for laughing lol. And ya know we went for coffee afterwards and reminisced. It is so nice being home and laughing heartily-real loudly. Lol he looks a bit of a hobo,greasy hair, but hey looks can be deceiving, underneath a guy who had a mum a heroine addict, and all that goes with that. A guy who I like as a friend. A guy who said today he wud like a feed in a Mexican place but it serves alcohole and would I find that too triggering-wow yes I said. So iced coffee it was. He was a pretty heafty drug user not alcohol. I took him home-Jesus I posted heaps my house a tip, but mates I seen nothing like this. Lol. Now how bad can he be if he has a wee chiwhawha called George and so adorable. He said he had tried to find me on Facebook lol but told him he wouldn’t as my face is nor showing lol just my arse for personal reasons lol, flat arse at that. He knew why frm rehab. Omg we had fun and I think we can again. He said he is going to Takaka soon, where we were, we both had same therapist said I would go too and I will drive him. Yip yip my fav place on earth- Takaka, oh my god,see Pohara, Tata, and Totranui, Collingwood, coffee on the pirate ship,maybe do trip to Farewell spit again. Anywhoo my post has nothing to do with elections. But today…[Read more]

    • Ooh, Takaka one of my favorite spots too. Next time i go it won’t be all about the pubs though. Love love love the wholefood cafe. One of my best camping trips at Totaranui. Stayed at Liger Bay for a couple of summers too, lovely beach to take little kids to. Ooh @janus2 you’ve got me all fired up, wonder if golden bay should be this summer’s camping trip with kids…. Going to have happy dreams tonight now, thanks!

      • If anything go to pupu springs and Whaariki beach-camp ground there. Most magnificent beach . It is the most beautiful area I know. Tehe Kaiteriteri beach all of chch go. Totranui Dunedinites go. Wholemeal Cafe too well known now-go to Dangerous Cafe or Mussel Inn on way to Collingwood. Do it you won’t be let down. I /we will live there one day. Xo

  • reena posted an update 2 years, 9 months ago

    Good evening LS friends, sitting in my garden room drinking tea and listening to the rain on the little roof, thinking of everyone tonight. Listened to Pema Chodron talk on having the presence to change things up and do something different when difficulty comes, not habitual behavior. So helpful, all her talks. Anyway, time for a grateful list.
    Grateful my husband and I had a really nice get away last weekend, I felt closer to him than I have in a long time.
    Grateful to have reduced cravings, my tea is not an effort tonight.
    Grateful for all my physical comforts, I have been without them at other times in my life, and it is certainly wonderful to have them now.
    Grateful I have given up my city apartment, it was a place I ran away to and became a drinking haven, I don’t need that in my life anymore.
    Hugs to all, remember to be kind to yourself it’s the only way~ xo

    • PS forgot one a friend who died this year was on my mind and I had a big cry and lots of reading letters and things. He sent me two signs that he heard me, I found a note he had written me unexpectedly a year earlier… so grateful~

    • Lovely @reena So sorry about your friend but true that they do send us signs..well in my experience anyway. Hugs and love love love your new pic xxx

      • Thanks @seedynomore~ everyone always mentions the garden room so I put it as my profile, lol~~
        I just have to be open to the signs, one caught me unawares for a second, the note however at the bottom of a bag I was unpacking the day after the big cry was pretty in my face~~ felt good to know he was listening somehow.

    • Reena, I’m so sorry about your friend. And lovely that you came across his letter. Your new picture is great, and I also am a very big fan of Pema Chodron’s teachings. So incredibly helpful. Happy night. x

      • She is @JM, her words are always kindness, kindness, kindness to ourselves when we fail. Changing things up is so important for me. Thanks, about the photo it’s the sober garden room with my Perrier on the table~~

    • Love your post *Hugs**

    • Sorry about your friend @reena xx

      • Thank you @Lizzy, I may have mentioned my friend from Sydney who I feel led me here, I didn’t realize where this site was located just googled somewhere for sobriety. He also struggled with alcohol. Hope you are well my friend~