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  • Mari135 posted an update 2 weeks, 2 days ago

    Day 844
    6:46am

    ***

    Morning coffee…with almond chocolate milk….nom nom nom….and I finally….finally….finally….managed to do what I have been fantasizing about for a month….I actually got up at 5:30am and walked for an hour around the little lake across from our home….a brisk, lovely, rejuvenating walk….Greeted the “usual suspects”… A trusted group of known-strangers…..The older gentleman who seems to always run and never walk…..Kudos to him because it sure looks like a half marathon each morning…..Then there is “superdad”….We call him that lovingly because he often runs with a stroller (pram) and keeps up the bird feeders and nesting houses around said lake…..Always eagerly greeting everyone like we have been best friends for years that haven’t seen each other in a while…..his red curly hair bouncing up and down…..It almost makes me angry how someone can be THIS motivated and disciplined…because superdad doesn’t stop when temperatures drop…..He just leaves the kid at home and walks real fast by himself, gloves, scarf, hat and all…..Then there is the middle-aged lady with her two little skittish dogs…one black, the other white….They stopped barking at me a while back but still seem to not be too sure of what to think…..those little barky beasts, lol……Then there is cigarette guy….He never walks. He stands by his grey truck and smokes a cigarette….In the beginning I convinced myself he was sad and depressed and contemplated ending his life (my depression tends to project itself onto others) but now I realize he just likes to have a smoke before/after work…and who knows….Like Tara Brach says the minute I begin to run stories I live neither in his reality, nor mine….I really have no clue who he is (or any of the other lake usual suspects) and as far as I know he may go home to a loving wife or husband, 7 kids, 15 grandkids, and is a happy chap. Or maybe he is single and plays videogames all day and loves that.

    ***

    Point being…..Instead of negotiating with myself last night how much longer and how much more I COULD drink (red wine or beer) and then the same game in the morning (“If only I add another hour of sleep, the hangover won’t be as bad”)…..I bounced out of bed, hated myself for a second for setting the alarm….and off to the nature prairie preserve I went….That walk was life.

    ***

    Sobriety gave me that time and life back. I lost many many many evenings and mornings (and whole days) to suffering in bed, puking, depression flaring high, anxiety unbearable…..dry-heaving until 5pm.

    No more of that shit, cuz fuck it. It sucks real bad.

    ***

    Off to work, hi-ho.
    May everyone feel hopeful today. I feel it starts with that for me on so many days. Especially the shit days, or worse….the blah days.
    Hope makes it doable.

    oxxooxoxxox

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