It must have started around the time I graduated from high school. At that time I was not yet aware of the lack of emotional support in my home, and suddenly I found myself lost on a university campus, trying to navigate life on my own. Now I understand that it was CPTSD, complex childhood trauma/post traumatic stress, but back then I figured I was just another college student, drinking, partying, having fun. Well, it wasn't fun anymore in my late 20's, when I would sometimes miss work due to having had a bottle of red wine on a week night. One glass often (almost always) turned into 3-6 or more. I remember one specific night, when I was 29, and I had finished a whole bottle of red wine by myself when a friend called to ask me to meet up for a glass of wine. We shared another bottle. Sitting there talking to my friend, I was wondering to myself "How on earth did you drink almost two bottles of wine?? This is not what normal people do. Or is it?" Becoming sober has been a two steps forward, one step back since then. I am happy to report that this year I have only had one drinking episode, and I am hopeful I stay away for good. It is just not worth risking even one more hangover. Speaking of which, I wish I could go back in time and hug my younger self, who was crouched on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet too many times. Crying, red veins popped underneath her eyes, yellow stomach acid coming out of her mouth in between dry heaving. There were nights of drunk calling or texting people, waking up covered in sweat, shame, and fear. The fear might have been the worst. All those years I was so scared of feeling and being me. Luckily I found a good therapist three years ago and have worked through and healed a lot of my traumatic experiences from childhood, but I want to keep an eye on self-care. It is too easy for me to slip back into self-loathing and fear and toxic shame. I want to be my own best friend and supporter, the person my inner child can trust to always have her back. Reading Mrs. D's book was one of the first things I did when I started looking around for actions to take to heal (or whatever it is you do to make it stop for good) my alcoholism. Ouch, that is still a bit hard to write down. Alcoholism. But I guess normal people just don't do what I did. They stop after one glass, and they do not have those day-long hangover days from one bottle of wine or more. So now that I created this profile, I will go back into the "real" world, where 99% of people look at me as normal and not an alcoholic. It has been a quiet "no more" journey, and even my husband thinks I never had a drinking problem. It is almost shocking at how good I hid it from others and myself. I don't want to drink anymore, and I don't ever ever ever want to feel hungover again. xoxo
Morning coffee….still sober…still not back here as much as I need and want to…..but one last day of crunching numbers for final grades for the two courses I taught over the summer and then…I should have a normal 100% job like most people do….This “not enough or too much” is not working for me long-term…it probably isn’t for anybody….in any area of life.
*** But I reckon part of life means it’s not perfect….or seldom, at least.
I did have time to catch up with Tara Brach’s talks….and this one hit home….
Even rode a craving wave at a social event Friday when all around me people were “oooohhing” and “ahhhh-ing” over different wines….(Pinot was and always will be my Achilles Heel) and I felt boring and sad and unhappy for a few minutes….wishing I could “for once have a good time again and get wasted real good.”
Thank God I didn’t….The temporary shit storm of FOMO always passes….always…..and EVERY.SINGLE.TIME I am glad I stuck to my “no”. Without an exception. Someone on here once told me when I had just gotten sober how “You will never regret not-drinking the night before. The same cannot be said about the other option.” Oh how true….
*** The hardest part of not having enough time to be active on here is not even that I need to check in daily to stay sober (I should though….people with years more of sobriety than me lapse after all so I cannot become complacent….) but because I have NO CLUE what is going on with anyone…and that feels shitty. Like these are the human beings out there in this world, online stranger or not, who had my back when I couldn’t do it alone, and who again and again shared their compassion generously and without exception. I want to know how they are and give back.
Final grades are due Tuesday …I shall aggressively make time for myself after that. The world gets 7.5 hours plus lunch and in exchange I get the rest of the day to live this life.