It must have started around the time I graduated from high school. At that time I was not yet aware of the lack of emotional support in my home, and suddenly I found myself lost on a university campus, trying to navigate life on my own. Now I understand that it was CPTSD, complex childhood trauma/post traumatic stress, but back then I figured I was just another college student, drinking, partying, having fun. Well, it wasn't fun anymore in my late 20's, when I would sometimes miss work due to having had a bottle of red wine on a week night. One glass often (almost always) turned into 3-6 or more. I remember one specific night, when I was 29, and I had finished a whole bottle of red wine by myself when a friend called to ask me to meet up for a glass of wine. We shared another bottle. Sitting there talking to my friend, I was wondering to myself "How on earth did you drink almost two bottles of wine?? This is not what normal people do. Or is it?" Becoming sober has been a two steps forward, one step back since then. I am happy to report that this year I have only had one drinking episode, and I am hopeful I stay away for good. It is just not worth risking even one more hangover. Speaking of which, I wish I could go back in time and hug my younger self, who was crouched on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet too many times. Crying, red veins popped underneath her eyes, yellow stomach acid coming out of her mouth in between dry heaving. There were nights of drunk calling or texting people, waking up covered in sweat, shame, and fear. The fear might have been the worst. All those years I was so scared of feeling and being me. Luckily I found a good therapist three years ago and have worked through and healed a lot of my traumatic experiences from childhood, but I want to keep an eye on self-care. It is too easy for me to slip back into self-loathing and fear and toxic shame. I want to be my own best friend and supporter, the person my inner child can trust to always have her back. Reading Mrs. D's book was one of the first things I did when I started looking around for actions to take to heal (or whatever it is you do to make it stop for good) my alcoholism. Ouch, that is still a bit hard to write down. Alcoholism. But I guess normal people just don't do what I did. They stop after one glass, and they do not have those day-long hangover days from one bottle of wine or more. So now that I created this profile, I will go back into the "real" world, where 99% of people look at me as normal and not an alcoholic. It has been a quiet "no more" journey, and even my husband thinks I never had a drinking problem. It is almost shocking at how good I hid it from others and myself. I don't want to drink anymore, and I don't ever ever ever want to feel hungover again. xoxo
Morning coffee…a rainy day for once….and I still have not had time to reply to some amazing advice and kindness I received in a few of my previous posts…Damn it. Just rushing here and rushing there….I miss this place and taking my time to connect here. I don’t want this to be just a “checklist” item. I am an alcoholic and need to keep an eye on my behavior as the addiction creeps in through the backdoor while I am making cookies in the kitchen, thinking I am Martha Stewart and that I never had a problem to begin with. Lol.
Last night I was driving the result of the latest Marie Kondo attack (two bags of old clothes) to the donation drop-off container, and on the way there a song came on on the radio that I have not heard much since the fall of 2011/2012. The guy is from Belgium where my mother lives with my stepfather and he moved to Australia. …Gotye’s “Somebody that I used to know”.
Oh God….the memories….I would sit there and listen to that song every day….and then during my drunk YouTube-for-one parties sing along like I know how to sing, and put that thing on repeat. One time I didn’t make it to the garbage can the next morning and puked over the pillow and side of the bed frame. No fun to clean that up, I tells ya. Then the panic the next day…..”I need to replace the liquor so nobody knows I have a problem.” — Logic of an addict….lol. If it wasn’t sad and if it wasn’t dangerous….because of the damage this can and does do….it would almost be funny. Like here I am puking all over myself and my bed, hungover as hell, disposing empties in public containers and replacing what I drank so nobody notices…..Yet, I am convinced I don’t have a problem.
Even though life is hectic right now….I have nothing to hide from work. I go there, know I show up sober, every day. Never once hungover. My colleagues here think of me as sober since that is all they ever knew. They will never see me drink because I don’t do that anymore. I remember someone back home at my old workplace made a comment during a social event about “How I liked to drink”….and I cringed inside yet did not show it..and had a comeback that was generic like “Oh yeah, those wild 20’s. Haha. Glad we all grow out of that phase.” Like hell am I telling semi-strangers I am sober and had to walk through a shit ton of suffering before I did, and then being sober is not always easy either. That intimate stuff is for safe people. *** So I better put on some clothes because this PJ is not gonna fly in the office, lol. And I should shower. How nice is it to not worry about:
How drunk am I? Am I still drunk or did I not drink that much after all? Fuck. The first Pinot is gone, and the second bottle almost gone. I will be definitely hungover later on…right?! Oh God, I am hungover. Here it comes. Am I going to make it to the restrooms at work on time? Did anyone notice? Will I make it till 4pm? Do I look or smell hungover? Do ‘they’ know? I will never stop, will I? — Next day
Hi @mari135! It’s good to see that your back in your happy place. Music will always be my best friend and drunk with music was heavenly hell. I’d often get drunk and create musicals in my head and choreograph the dance parts as well. I still do on occasion but it’s not nearly as sloppy. Speaking of sloppy, I never was a puker but I’d never really stop drinking either. There’d be a trail of swill de jour left behind me wherever I went. There was no time for hangovers, I just stayed drunk enough yet just alert enough to get by and for many many years. It was a rather large trap but with high restraints and this I do not miss. It takes so much energy to try and hide what you’ve hidden and in this case it became impossible. So very glad to be free from it all, life is better just not always easy.