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  • Mari135 posted an update 1 week, 6 days ago

    Day 810

    Soberoo and loving it…still. In spite of the hard days…this has been the best thing I have ever done for myself…To kick this shit booze out of my life….and not end my days 2-3 times per week guzzling down Pinot Noir whilst having me a party-for-one with YouTube music videos (the same over and over again….) in my bedroom….by myself….

    ***

    Thanks everyone who said a kind word (or stern!) about my brother. I will reach out to my sister in law via email when I am back home to touch base and discuss what she told me last night….For now I think it is best I let them cool down and get their family home space back….and then we take it from there. She has been angry at my brother since yesterday and they barely talked….so probably a good time for me to depart and go home this weekend….lol. Probably.

    ***

    There will be more reflecting of this trip once I am home….and the usual morning posts to hold myself accountable….But….it feels like I have changed on this trip. Or I changed so much before this trip that coming “home” made me realize I am different now. Lots and LOTS of triggers…Damn triggers!
    Revisiting old addictive relationship patterns…..(Thanks to everyone who replied when I posted about that one guy from the past and his toddler manipulation game) ….and old stomping grounds….and old workplaces….and old drinking holes…..LOTS of being-drunk-memories…left and right……

    ***

    I came to the USA as a functioning alcoholic…..I no longer drink but am still at risk of lapse/relapse and never want to forget the shit I escaped from.
    Shit drinking. (of red wine mostly, but I wasn’t one to reject 15 plus cans of Bud Light on a fun night out in the summer. Maybe more than 15, actually.
    Shit relationships. (with both myself and others, especially romantic ones)
    Shit behavior. (both on my end and also tolerating way too much shit from others)
    Shit mental health. (depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and so much toxic shame….ashamed of myself)

    oxoxoxo

    Not going back that way.
    Only forward now.

    Also time to catch up on Prudence’s latest Euro-trip adventure…..Yeah!!!!

    oxoxox

    May you all feel hopeful today.
    Hope is a precious thing. I didn’t always have it….some days I still don’t….but it has gotten better.
    Sobriety gave me back a lot of hope.

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