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  • Mari135 posted an update 3 weeks, 2 days ago

    Day 800

    I swear to God I am not making this up.
    After not checking my day count in ages…including earlier today when I first posted here about sober travels….I JUST got curious enough and went in….and taddaaaa….

    Eight hundred days.

    Fuckety fuck.
    ***
    Is this really me?
    How fitting too…because the actual reason I came back for a wee more browsing here and replying to others was that my childhood trauma has been majorly triggered today. And coming here is a self-care response that is healthier than guzzling down 2 liters of Pinot Noir.

    What happened was a guy I used to date a LONG time ago, and who was a complete narcissist, lying, being flaky, entertaining several women at once, hot/cold, creating a dopamine addiction cycle in my brain…..reached out in a harmless way and since he still works where I used to work and it’s been ages and I have been married for years….I figured….Why not.

    ***
    I should have known better.
    If it sounds like a duck, if it walks like a duck, it probably is….a duck.

    He manipulated me into keeping my evening available for a dinner and then gaslighted himself out of it. I expected this and even joked with a friend earlier today that this is what would happen.
    His excuse…he claimed he had texted me and I “had not responded” so he went on about his day.
    I did not receive a text. He planned this and knew all along he would play me along, in spite of it being years and us never ever having anything romantically due to me being married and us having had a chance way back.

    ***
    And like the addicted mind does….I had a crashdown…I had been looking forward to this, wanting to find closure for “that time of my life” and thought how lovely it would be to meet up as “the new me”….. and then I felt ashamed and angry….Like why the fuck am I crying…??? And feeling….over THAT kinda guy. Shoulda known better….shouldn’t have agreed to meet….shoulda coulda woulda.
    ***

    And then I realized…..the little girl in me was totally triggered.
    Rejection = Worthlessness.
    That’s the leftover from childhood, where there was plenty of traumatic rejection in my life.

    But I am not a little girl anymore.
    I am in charge now.

    No need to drink and be miserable and feel like I “need” this person’s attention. (or the wine….)
    And…..to end on a high note…..

    I already anticipated this.
    And….made plans myself as a back-up.

    ***
    So instead of risking exposure to a manipulative and gaslighting narc…..I meet up with one of my oldest and dearest colleagues….who is from Ohio.
    🙂
    It seems yet again the Midwest sends me a rescue boat.

    ***

    Time to scavenge for some more awesome food cuz summer diets are a myth.

    Thanks for being my safe place.
    All jokes aside…..I used to self-destruct with not only booze but toxic and codependent relationships.

    This today….was a test.
    I feel like I passed it.
    I felt the sadness and grief and anger and all of it…..the confusion.

    And all I replied was: “Must have been the wrong number. I didn’t receive a text. Have a nice evening.”

    ***

    Then I had a wee cry…called a good friend…came here.
    And while I wish I hadn’t agreed to meet and had not felt a single thing……I did the best I could.
    And it is lightyears different from the old ways.

    Sweet as.

    🙂

    oxoxoxxoxo

    • 800 cool, go girl and our brain is a strange thing, I’m noticing more &more the longer my sobriety. Gosh you’re post bought up old feelings that I thought were buried & forgotten but it’s a good thing coming to grips with the past, we are stronger than we think & great sober warriors XX XX

      • Naww thanks so so much!!!! xoxooxxoxoxo You said it well…it is hard but a good thing to come to grips with the past. Stronger than we think. Darn right!!!

    • 800! So awesome. And sucks about that a-hole guy and what you went through, but you did it in a healthy manner, you lived, you learned and now you’re that much better, wiser and stronger because of it. 🙂
      Also, your happy “Fuckety fuck.” totally made my day and made me smile. 🙂

    • Congratulations on 800 days AND for seeing that guy for what he is, feeling the pain, managing it and coming out the other end better and stronger. Inspiring xx

    • You sure are one special lady. Glad you passed your test and are moving the heck on. Love and hugs

      • R51, thank you so very much!!! You are one of my “old faces” here. Always a treat to see you write here. And thanks for the compassion and kindness in your post. It sure felt like a test…and I am moving on. He was one of the reasons (along with my mother) why I read books on boundaries and assertiveness. oxoxox

    • Congrats on 800

      My hubby’s hand specialist (random) said to him if it looks like a shit and it smells like s shit, don’t put it in a sandwich, because it’s a piece of shit! Fuck I laughed when he told me that.

      You passed the “test” 😊😊😊

      • enzedgirl, LOVED your reply….made me chuckle and nod my head in agreement as I was walking down my European city here. THANK YOU.oxoxoxoxo

    • A very wise post @mari135. Congrats on 800 days!

      • Sounds like the games children play, they hand something out to us like a sweet or something else we might like then as we reach for it they pull their hand away and giggle. We laugh too cos its a child but when adults do it its sad. This guy needs to grow up you are so way beyond him.

        • MaryB, this was GOLD! I got your reply at the right time and whenever I felt like the situation was pulling me down a bit I thought of what you said…Pictured him as a toddler that pulls the toy away and giggles. It felt REALLY good to hear you write “I am way beyond him.”
          I hope one day I fully embody that feeling and feel like I truly am. Getting there….

          oxoxoxo

      • Juliana, thank you so much!!! oxoxo

    • Legend as always❤️❤️

    • Wow, well done @mari135. I have learned so much from your willingness to be open and authentic in this space, thank you for your honesty and bravery. You most definitely did pass that test and you were given that experience so that you could grow and heal from him and your past, just in a different way then you thought you were going to. I am in awe of you xoxo

    • Hi @Mari135! Congrats on 800 days!! Well, 801 today! I like your reply to that gaslighter. What a jerk. And thanks for your virtual hug yesterday.. And I think I will stick around here for awhile, I love this community. Hope your last days are wonderful in your country! (I think you’re still away.?) xoxo

      • Holy shit, JM, that’s EXACTLY what I Googled after the encounter/non-encounter with him…”Gaslighting”….He actually texted me TWO more times (I did not reply) via Facebook (we are not friends there but you can still send others messages) and explained how “he had checked the number I gave him and he had texted that exact number.”

        Fucked up.
        No words.

        Any normal person would have tried calling and/or set up an alternative coffee date, and….a normal person would say something like: “Oh no, I am so sorry about the mix-up. I must have gotten the number wrong.”

        He has always done that….subtly blame-shifting and he also lies a lot. I reckon not a great loss there if he is cut out now, which I plan on doing. Nothing left to say really. I don’t see how this relationship is serving me at all. There are so many good people out there. No need to try and make the toxic ones work. oxoxoxox
        Thanks again so much. Your reply made me feel heard and understood. I joke a lot but that moment was low and lonely…and I felt like I lapsed a bit in terms of feelings-behavior. Your words helped to make it lighter and to make it pass faster.

        oxoxox

    • 💚💚💚.

    • Lucy, thanks so much!! You have no idea how much it helped to receive validation regarding this twat, haha. oxoxoxo Much needed at the time.

    • Thanks so much for this!!! That was really kind of you to write. oxoxoxoxoxxoxo

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