• Mari135 posted a new activity comment 6 hours, 34 minutes ago

    So very proud of you! oxoxxox
    You got this, Lucy.

    And if it ever feels hard again, you know where to ask for help. The community here (I am selfish and so happy you’re back!!! I will also be more present once I am back from my summer travels…) and your doctor, a local counselor if need be, and maybe even AA. We’re not meant to do life alone, let alone addiction recovery.


  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 6 hours, 37 minutes ago

    Loved reading this, Ro!

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 6 hours, 38 minutes ago


  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 10 hours ago

    Day 1500!!!! Oh my goodness I am so glad I stopped by to see your soberversary!!!
    Legend you!!! And what a kind, wise, and compassionate legend. THANK YOU for being here and for all those incredible replies you share. You are much-appreciated here, and I bet in real life so much as well too!!!

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 10 hours ago

    oxoxxoxo and you deserve self-care.

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 10 hours ago

    You have always been a legend, Lucy. oxoxoxox I missed you and am glad you are back.
    It takes so much courage to fall off the horse, dust off, say “Fuck it. I am me. And right now this ‘me’ is hurting and scared and needs help and healing.” and go right back up.

    You can do this. I never doubted that.
    It just came down to acknowledging there is a real problem (caused by alcohol, not you) and that you deserve help and support to heal from this.
    And even if this isn’t the last day 1 just yet (I hope it is!), it truly sounds like something has majorly shifted in how you view alcohol.
    Oh and you won’t believe it but “our song” came on today while I was sitting by the pool in the sun…and I high-fived you (I was by myself) and said quietly: “High five, Lucy.”



    Over the castle on the hill!

    • Lucy replied 2 days ago

      Hey @Mari135.. I love hearing from you… yes that is definitely our song.. it’s been on in the cars loads this week.. really spooky stuff… I am so glad and thankful to be back and yes this is it this time no fuckin about.. serious stuff now… the stress here has been so bad since I started drinking again and it certainly didn’t help me cope… so I will be sticking close to all of you, especially you my friend… have a great day.. and well done you are amazing how you cope and not drink.. inspiring to me. xxxx

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 10 hours ago

    Holy shit!!!! That’s a triple digit so well-deserved!!!!!! Way to go, Lee@!!!!!!!!
    It’s been really good to have you here and your growth and determination are inspiring. So much growth!
    Now we better find a good soberversary self-care gift, eh! Go pamper yourself, you deserve it all and then some.

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 10 hours ago

    Day 616!!!! oxoxoxox

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 10 hours ago

    57 days…what a number!!!! oxoxoxoxo It sounds like those moments with the candle are spiritual and important to you. Give yourself credit for having come this far!!!

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 10 hours ago

    Ohhh I loved your update! So many adventures, many unexpected. So much compassion and care for yourself and others. It’s a privilege to know you through this forum!! oxoxox

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 10 hours ago

    Oh goodness, how I needed to hear that today as I just got done doing a DailyMail junk news round and….I am yet again reminded to be less online and more in the real world…because people are mostly good. It’s just when the worst of the worst is shoved into your face every day (like when I consume news) that I get low.
    You have my compassion for those winter blues waves. I dread them every year and get into a lower point when I first adjust to winter.
    It’s June here so it can only go uphill for you guys down there now!!!! Longer days every day after June 26, I believe, or even sooner.

    You got this.

    We will walk through that wee second half of winter alongside each other, anytime you need a place to share.

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 10 hours ago

    28!!!! That always reminds me of that movie with Sandra Bullocks. I think it is called “28 days”. She goes to rehab for 28 and days and when she is out, she changes her life. oxoxox There is a real deeper physical change right around that 28/30 day mark. There are statistics supporting that you have a higher chance of staying sober if you can make it to 30 days. oxoxoxo Go you!

  • Mari135 posted an update 2 days, 10 hours ago

    @Jessy Randomly thought of you today while out and about on a hike and reminding myself how precious life is.
    Haven’t seen any updates from you in a while (hope I didn’t miss anything!) and wanted to let you know you’re in my thoughts on a regular basis. I will never forget your support almost two years ago. Grateful for a beautiful day in nature today, and sober day that is.
    Lots of love your way

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 10 hours ago

    Loving this so much!!!!
    And happy 1-year soberversary to your wife!!! I bet as a nurse she sees a lot of examples of how much suffering alcohol causes all around us, no matter where we come from or are.
    I’ve been genuinely enjoying your posts here from that comfy chair and hope you keep them coming!!!

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 10 hours ago

    3. Boom.
    Your posts (and if I remember correctly blog, especially about how the depression lifted since mine was crushing and I thought nothing could ever get better ever) helped me so very much when I first joined. THREE YEARS!!!!!!!!!!! You legend you!!!!! oxoxoxoxox
    And it makes me happy to picture you and other LS members meeting up in the real world. In my ideal scenario we all have coffee and cake and watch the sunset at @Prudence magical harbor home (on the deck!!!) some day soon.
    Now off to the important question….How to celebrate that 3-year-soberversary?!!! Keen to share?

    • Thanks to much @mari135 . Yes, Pru’s place is pretty special . I might go for a bike out to Sumner to celebrate. It’s a beautiful sunny day in chch ! 😊

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 10 hours ago

    Day 2! Well done, you!
    You know what really stands out in your post? Your mindful self-reflection. You are pretty darn accurate about predicting what will trigger a next possible drinking event (your partner asking for a pub visit after work) and also that your unmet needs include that things are too fast-paced and you need to slow down a bit there.
    It’s not your fault this is hard.
    And yes, you will be well. You are going to be ok.
    You can do this.

    How about for now, “just today, I don’t drink” is the motto.
    Let’s not worry about “sober forever” because that’s hard and scary and shit to think about when you first stop.
    “Just today.” And then we take it from there.

    It would be kinda cool to say “I made it 1 week.” That’s only 5 more days.
    We will be here anytime you need an ear or ten.


  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 10 hours ago

    And it is not your fault, Bindy31.
    oxoxox It really is not your fault.
    Right back up on that sober horse you go, the next chance you got. I lapsed 3-4 times and was right back to almost 2 bottles the last lapse I had. Didn’t even feel that first one go down, which is scary since I made it to day 140 or so that time before. Worst hangover the next day. Felt like utter shit and such a failure. Depression, fear, so much fear. Toxic shame.

    It can and will get better.
    You can do this.

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 10 hours ago

    27 days…Oh boy that day count is real and it seems to have gone up so fast suddenly!
    And thanks for the reminder about perspective….Very very true what you wrote.
    I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about “I have enough.” and “Grasping for more.” and lots of stuff along that line.
    It’s ok to feel sad about losing a beloved piece of clothing though. We can do both….feel sad for the smaller stuff, and also grieve the big stuff…..
    Half of my blood is German and I remember asking my German grandma when she was still alive and we started to learn about the Holocaust in school: “Grandma, do you remember when the Jews were taken away?” She said in her small rural village there weren’t many, and one day they were all gone by train. πŸ™ My family was simple and my grandfather forced to fight in the war for the Nazis. But I often wonder how my grandma felt about what had happened after she found out. I never did that and regret it since she passed when I was very young. We had a former camp prisoner come talk to us in middle school and I got to ask him about his experiences. It left a deep impression and it was the only time all 200 of us middle school kids were dead silent the entire time during a talk. It is also mandatory that German kids learn a ton about the holocaust and most of us, if not all, have a mandatory concentration class field trip as part of the curriculum. I’ve been to a few camps as student and later teacher. I can’t do it anymore. Last time we took a grade 10 I had to leave 10 minutes into the tour. Hid by the restrooms at the entrance and sobbed for half hour. These were my people who did that. I can’t fathom it.
    Be gentle with yourself these next few days. It can be seriously traumatizing to visit mass graves and learn about so much violent suffering. I always need a few days to like humanity again and have faith in our species after such an experience.

    • Hi @mari135. Thank you for that very informative response. I was very interested to hear about your education regarding history. Let’s hope the future young ones in all countries keep learning about these events so they don’t ever cause it to happen again. Xxx

  • Mari135 posted an update 2 days, 10 hours ago

    Day 791

    Soberoo, still enjoying that teacher summer break (last one, for the next academic year at least since I shift into a position with more of an admin component in July) and missing my morning sessions here…..Can’t wait to be back in my routine, but am soaking up each second of this adventure.

    Feeling a wee bit chubby too, lol, so maybe less adventure will do my waist line good. Jesus….there is good food when one travels….no bueno for someone with impulse control. But…better food than booze. Or shopping to regulate emotions. Haven’t done that either, yet. Phew.


    Lots of love to everyone, but especially @lucy whom I am so happy to see again here!
    You legend you!!!!

    It takes courage to say: “I think I am not ok right now. I think I need help.”

    • Hey @mari135 πŸ™‚

      • Lucy replied 2 days ago

        @Mari135 I missed you yesterday, day 4 today for me and already feeling brighter.. will do a post later as I’ve just got up and waiting for kid to clear off to school so it’s quite here.. xx

    • Good to see you friend. Miss your regular morning updates (she says selfishly – haha). Enjoy those travels and β€œme” time. You deserve it! 😊

    • Heck, 2 days have passed – hi lovely and I am sure chubby could never describe you!
      I now get no teaching holidays – a huge shock and horror after a long career loving every second of those breaks – (well maybe not the end of them when the cleaning and sorting STILL wasnt done – shame shame) – they have been a great gift in my life and I cannot believe they are over – for the time. Still looking for a counselling position in a school… hope

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 4 days, 19 hours ago

    Oh shit…. πŸ™ This is so sad.
    Hugs and hugs your way, Ro.
    I just read an article how rare it is that children that age commit suicide. It was written by a child psychologist. Absolute tragic. oxoxoxox

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 4 days, 19 hours ago

    Lucyyyyyyyy!!!! Oh I’ve missed you!!!! Lots of love your way.
    How about we change that and go back to that path where you and I went swimming a ton, and things slowly did get better. I always tell everyone on here how you were the one who welcomed me when I first started and how you were the reason I got back into swimming and how good that has been for my depression and anxiety.
    We’re here if you need an ear.
    Is antabuse and a chat with your doctor maybe a good place to start right now? It can be scary and also medically a concern if you withdraw from vodka etc. after prolonged use.
    A friend of mine just did detox at a hospital for a few days to get off it safely. Would that be something to consider this weekend maybe?


    You will be ok.
    I have no doubt in my mind.
    You’ve done it before and got sober. You will do it again.
    We may just need to add on more external tools in the form of your healthcare team etc. and that’s ok.
    Hope your family is well and I am still dreaming about sharing one of your lovely Sunday roasts!!

    • Hello my lovely @Mari135.. I have missed you loads… so spooky our song has been on the radio in the car this week, like a sign I should get sober again… thank you so much for your support and yes swimming on Sunday I will go.. xxxx huge love

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 4 days, 19 hours ago

    I second the others. Legend!!! oxooxo And sorry to hear your brother is in the trenches right there…..that was me not long ago and him seeing you sober will definitely have planted a seed. It may not show today or tomorrow, but it stays with people. oxoxoxo Well done, you!

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 5 days, 7 hours ago

    oxoxo You got this!!! You so got this.
    Thanks for talking with them. You will reach at least one soul there and it will be worth it.

    Go gettem tiger, roarrrrrr!

  • Mari135 posted an update 5 days, 7 hours ago

    Lots of weird feelings today…a friend of mine who moved to my home country about the same time I moved to hers (the U.S.) just told me today she fell in love with being there sometime this year….last year she was that close to moving back to the USA….and she probably won’t come back….And for some reason, it made me feel sad. Not for her, I am happy for her that she feels at home in my home country….plus I believe healthcare and lots of stuff there is better anyways…..so good for her….I too could move home.

    But….there is the crux…I am not sure if I REALLY can…I’d need to find a job first and those I qualify for are far and few between…plus I’d want to be home-home in my area, not just any-town.

    And…for now….I live in another country.

    Had I not come back here…..What if….?

    Well….here is what I left behind when I moved….at that time…in 2014….:

    1. A highly stressful job
    2. At least one toxic friendship
    3. Untreated complex childhood trauma
    4. Functioning (or not…) alcohol abuse
    5. A career in which I could have never undergone additional schooling and where a career change would have been next to impossible
    6. Lots and lots and lots and lots of rain, grey skies, and cold temps year round
    7. No access to mental healthcare, at least not for long-term care
    8. No relationship (or back to abusive ones) because long-distance with my now husband was only sustainable for so long

    What I gained because I left at that time:

    1. A mostly healthy mental health state….and ongoing improved coping with rough waves
    2. A healthy-enough marriage that is safe and not abusive
    3. A ton of career changing options. Even if I never change, knowing I have the option has been healthy and made me feel less stuck.
    4. Sobriety. God knows if and when I would have gotten sober at home.
    5. Healthier self-esteem. I say “no” more often and stopped abusing myself, for the most part.
    6. Unlimited access to the best mental healthcare I could have ever…[Read more]

    • Hi Mari135! You write such beautiful and relatable posts. It is hard to hear someone is taking the path that you sort of miss, being in your home country. It’s so great how much you’ve gained from being in the U.S., the mental health care, the career possibilities… And that’s the thing, I’ve been thinking about this lately – for all that we have, we don’t have other things. And it can be hard to reconcile. I remind myself all of the time, I don’t have this, but I do have this. And it’s good. Enjoy your holidays!! xoxoxo

    • @Mari135 I think you are so very brave and have accomplished so very much. I hope you are as proud of yourself as you deserve to be. You are truly a winner. Xoxx

    • A great analysis of a complex situation -series of situations. Emigrating is never a simple matter – I have been very close to several immigrants, still am to some of them, and it is heart rending to be near their dilemmas at times. I know I could not manage it, and I pray my children will not even try (how selfish is that?!!!)
      In the end, where you live will matter so much less than how you live, and love – that sounds like a quote from someone important hahaha
      You do have a remarkable mind young woman – so clear, and such energy to express all these things. I feel clear until I read your posts, then i think I live in a dense fog; a tired fog, just creeping along, barely managing…

    • Those are two great lists, I agree with @morgan, where you live is not as important as how you live. I am starting to think about those types of things now!

    • I think the one commonality here is not your location, but YOU. It is what you decided to do inside of you that made the difference, not where your physical body was located.

      “Wherever I go, there I am”

      And you is quite the overcomer and survivor!

    • Aww. 💜💚💛.

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 5 days, 14 hours ago

    I am really sorry to hear about your mom’s health declining. You’re a good daughter for taking care of all the practicalities regarding the next steps to ensure she is well taken care of. oxoxoox

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 5 days, 14 hours ago

    A friend of mine recommended Shameless as well. Her husband struggled with alcohol abuse in the past and I think the show has some great insights there. Definitely a trigger with all the drinking but nothing to worry about for me personally at this point. Thanks for sharing this!!!!

    Enjoy that nice quiet time. Well-deserved!!!!

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 5 days, 14 hours ago

    Way to go, R51!!!!
    Loved reading this!!!

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 5 days, 17 hours ago

    Well, 3-4 day 1’s….for me. The last one my depression, shame, and fear got so damn bad that I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew something was different that time. It wasn’t more so about fighting against myself, I had stepped across that line and got both sides onto one, if that makes sense. Not-drinking stopped feeling like a super big sacrifice and missing out on fun (for the most part, I still had cravings).


    • Thanks, @Mari135. I love that about getting both feet onto the other side of the line. I’ve spent way too much time with one on each side, and that leads to disaster. Love the line that Annie Grace and the authors of The Sobriety Solution use in regards to commitment. β€œ99% is a bitch, 100% is a breeze.” So true! 🤗

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    You reacted perfectly and your attorney will step in here and look into this madness. This sounds very fishy to me as proper legal charges need to be in writing and cannot just be randomly announced over the phone by someone who does not even identify himself at the beginning of the conversation. Give yourself a high five. You did well here today. oxoxoxoxxo

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    Same issues, must be a site-wide thing. oxooxx

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    It is traumatizing to deal with toxic people at work. I had only one narcissist-abuser experience so far and that person tried “divide and conquer”. Learned from it. It sucked. I cried a ton. I pray it won’t happen again but might…they are out there, these people. I know it is easier said than done…but whenever possible may you be able to do the “like water off a duck’s back”… oxoxoxo
    You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, wherever you go.
    We are here if you need to vent.
    Keep being assertive-kind and this will pass. Like a kidney stone, but it passes.


    • I hoped to ignore, but I am feeling quite unnerved and not wanting to be anywhere near her, especially alone, so I will ask my boss to do something. Trouble is, she is a younger woman. She has seen this one in action for a few years, so may not want to take her on … At least she assured me I was acting well, and she could not fault my responses. She also surprised me by saying I am a strong woman. Like, wtf? I am a little mouse, a frightened deer. No, she said, quite strong. Mmmmm My friend whom I live with – with whom I live? said yes, quietly, powerfully strong. Insecure power mongers hate my type as we quietly believe in our ideas without needing to make a fuss. Just hold on. Food for thought

      • Oh @morgan, this is very true. It winds them up more if they don’t succeed in getting a bad reaction from us. Don’t give in and eventually they explode regardless but we get to keep our clean slate. One of the many beauties of being sober!

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    Oh boy…that is weird. Unless the weather is awful and there is nothing to do outside….although I doubt it. Did your guest have good reviews on Airbnb? oxoxox

    • Hi @Mari135, yes, they have good reviews. And I saw them, and they don’t appear drink or drugged, so whew. Haha. They paid their $, I shouldn’t complain. They can stay in if they want.

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    500!!!! Oh my goodness what a number!!! Congratulations!!!

  • Mari135 posted an update 1 week ago

    Day 786

    “Did you compare yourself with others and give up?”

    ….Ouch….Taken from the book “The Nice Girl Syndrome” I am reading right now….
    And yes…I have. In so many areas in life…..

    No more of that shit.
    I can only do me and be me. It really doesn’t help to go into everything expecting the impossible of myself, and comparing myself to people who are years ahead down the road (of their career, marriage, sobriety, fitness, etc.)

    And to quote morgan yet again….because this is gold and I have it on a post-it by my desk:

    β€œI will do my absolute best today.”

    • I believe living up to and comparing myself to others is part of what stressed me out and led me to drink more than I ever should have. Now that I am not drinking, I am excited to find out who I really am, with my expectations, not others. Nice number!

    • Hahaha, not me, Marc and Angel, but so glad your liked it. I need to do the same, not get all poor-me-lick-my-wounds ish. I have to see kids with REAL problems and work out how on earth to engage them. If only I was young and cool … πŸ™

    • k1W1 replied 1 week ago

      Sounds like an interesting book. That Quote is very true. Have a happy day x

    • JJR replied 1 week ago

      Awesome in many ways

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    and….200 coming up for you so soon!!!!

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    oxoxox Oh no…hugs if you want one. I hate disappearing posts after pouring it all out. It never comes out as well the second time and of course I keep forgetting to copy/paste it into a Word document just in case to be safe. Every.time. Lol. oxoxox

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    Amen to that, Jocord!! Well said. oxoxoxxo She really is.

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    If I could, I’d drive up to the city today and give you a massive high five, girl!!!
    Such a treat and honor to have you here.

    Look at THAT number!!! Holy shit!!!

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Loving your updates!! Have so much fun on all those trips!

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    So so much love your way. First of all, fingers crossed this biopsy comes back with good news. Those 7 days waiting for lab results are going to be hard. You have been here, and you can do it again. I pray it is nothing and that you won’t have to go through treatment again. But if you do, then they caught it superrrrrr early and you were being brave and strong for telling your doctor about this spot that you were concerned about.

    We will be here along the entire way.


    All your sober days count, no matter what.
    You are giving your body the best chance of recovery in all areas.

    And thank goodness you get to be in TN over the summer to have that luck and connection and all the good stuff love brings to soak up. You deserve it.


    Extra love your way and a hug, if you’d like one.
    That feeling of “not again”…..is so darn hard. You have my sincere compassion for whatever comes up these next few days.
    And you are big enough to hold it.


    • @Maril135 you always know what to say, sister💛
      Honestly, I get a weird vibe that unfortunately is pretty much always correct. I have that vibe with the biopsy done today. But your insight and advice ring true, Maril!!!!
      And I teared up that I’m big enough to hold it💙
      Tonite we did a surprise happy 21st b day video for my no 3 of my 5 kiddos special day. I put on make up, took off that bandage from biopsy, and gave a from the heart message to my daughter. I hate to say it, yet it crossed my mind this video could be for her and all my kids if I’m gone 💙

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    I second JM! oxoxoxo

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Double digits!!!! oxoxo

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    You said this so well…thanks for this! oxoxox It’s always a treat to talk to you here.
    I am very grateful for this space. It has been invaluable on this sober journey. And beyond of that.

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Thank you so very much for this! oxoxoxoxox It felt good to wake up to kind replies and encouraging words. You are a kind soul, Hammer123.

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Such a kind reply, thanks so much for this Saoirse!! oxoxoxoxoxox I read it twice and will keep the replies I got for this one to re-read down the road when the blue wave comes back.

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Ohh thanks so much for your kind words, Annie! Much appreciated. oxoxoxxoxo

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Thanks so much for this! oxxooxxoxo I do hope I come out of that stronger. And yes…thank goodness we are sober. I can’t even imagine what if I had kept on boozing those last two plus years. At least now there is room and space to heal all of this for once.

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    I am really liking the idea of a future with a clear head and clear skin. Thanks for this kind reply! xoxox

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Ohh thanks so much, JM! xoxox The blue wave has passed indeed and today is the start of a new week. It’s always like that, isn’t it….just hard to remember in the midst of it that this won’t stay, the feeling.
    What you said about looking outside for validation makes so much sense. Lots of love your way and hope you get to enjoy your summer break by now without any grading left!!!

  • Mari135 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Beautiful post! oxoxoxo You 5-year-soon crew keep on shining the light back to us here. Makes me wanna keep on keeping on!

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