It must have started around the time I graduated from high school. At that time I was not yet aware of the lack of emotional support in my home, and suddenly I found myself lost on a university campus, trying to navigate life on my own. Now I understand that it was CPTSD, complex childhood trauma/post traumatic stress, but back then I figured I was just another college student, drinking, partying, having fun. Well, it wasn't fun anymore in my late 20's, when I would sometimes miss work due to having had a bottle of red wine on a week night. One glass often (almost always) turned into 3-6 or more. I remember one specific night, when I was 29, and I had finished a whole bottle of red wine by myself when a friend called to ask me to meet up for a glass of wine. We shared another bottle. Sitting there talking to my friend, I was wondering to myself "How on earth did you drink almost two bottles of wine?? This is not what normal people do. Or is it?" Becoming sober has been a two steps forward, one step back since then. I am happy to report that this year I have only had one drinking episode, and I am hopeful I stay away for good. It is just not worth risking even one more hangover. Speaking of which, I wish I could go back in time and hug my younger self, who was crouched on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet too many times. Crying, red veins popped underneath her eyes, yellow stomach acid coming out of her mouth in between dry heaving. There were nights of drunk calling or texting people, waking up covered in sweat, shame, and fear. The fear might have been the worst. All those years I was so scared of feeling and being me. Luckily I found a good therapist three years ago and have worked through and healed a lot of my traumatic experiences from childhood, but I want to keep an eye on self-care. It is too easy for me to slip back into self-loathing and fear and toxic shame. I want to be my own best friend and supporter, the person my inner child can trust to always have her back. Reading Mrs. D's book was one of the first things I did when I started looking around for actions to take to heal (or whatever it is you do to make it stop for good) my alcoholism. Ouch, that is still a bit hard to write down. Alcoholism. But I guess normal people just don't do what I did. They stop after one glass, and they do not have those day-long hangover days from one bottle of wine or more. So now that I created this profile, I will go back into the "real" world, where 99% of people look at me as normal and not an alcoholic. It has been a quiet "no more" journey, and even my husband thinks I never had a drinking problem. It is almost shocking at how good I hid it from others and myself. I don't want to drink anymore, and I don't ever ever ever want to feel hungover again. xoxo
Lots and lots of love to Sandy oxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxooooooxoxoxo
A friend of mine has to have regular breast lump biopsies and they always come back negative, and her doctor said a lot really just show up and do nothing in most people. Prayers she gets the good relief-news soon.
800 days is amazing, and I cannot wait to celebrate the big 1000!
oxooxoxox Thanks for keeping us in the loop. oxoxxo Rest up this weekend and let the world be the world. I am watching Border Patrol NZ n Netflix right now…fun and baffling (how some people think they can get away with smuggling haha) and awesome. 🙂
We have St. Nicholas day where I am from in November, where kids sing Christmas songs and go from house to house and get candy. Love our old traditions, and I understand it is a bit frustrating to see “your people” wanting to import something as huge as a holiday, because that seems a bit forced or artificial eh. oxoxoxox Sorry to hear about the…[Read more]
This…is GOLD….”But I fast forward and realise it’s not the glamorous one glass of wine with dinner. Its the bottle then another. I just can’t have one, I’ve accepted this and once you accept it.” Amen to that. oxoxoxo
Sorry your post got lost…that’s always a frustrating moment….oxoxoxox Been there, done that.
And thanks for taking the time to write up a second one…I really enjoyed reading your post this morning over my coffee here (USA) and so much of what you said is relateable. Like the going NC with toxic people…I feel it happens kind of naturally…[Read more]
Hoping your hubby is ok and back on his feet in no time! That must have been scary for both of you. 🙁 oxoxoxox
Be extra kind with yourself…..even if you did not stop yesterday or today, that’s ok and how it is then. When you know, you know. I get it. There were times in my life when things were so stressful I doubt I would have had the strength…[Read more]
Nom nom nom…..I need like a personal assistant who is an AF barista and mixes up good concoctions like that when the usual restaurants disappoint with sugary soda and water and coffee as their only options.
I have been known to take it with me 🙂 🙂 It is a big brew – I stuff in many teabags and loose chamomile, oat straw, green jasmine, red in the top diffuser thingy, then do two lots of boiling water to really get all the benefit. Then add the ginger/tumeric boiled mix, so would last you weeks. Worth the effort. Unfortunately my acupuncturist said…[Read more]
Morning coffee….and three weeks till spring break countdown….sanity shall be restored then!
Thanks so much to everyone who commented on my student-diva experience….I read some of your comments right before I marched into that classroom, prepared with a 100% bullet-proof lesson plan…and she only tried a wee bit here and…[Read more]
@Mari135 I admire your enthusiasm and especially your patience. What a rude little bitch that Diva thing is. I’d have to record her dumb comments “Whats a noun?” and recommend to the Dean that she be retested for English while she may need remedial courses. She is, apparently, disrupting your class on purpose. Assigning a paper that pinpoints her…[Read more]
Ha, my girl loves Bordercontrol – I didnt know it was on Netflix
Happy days hon. I have an opportunity to teach adults English for 3 months and would be in a complex with a great friend, BUT, she is sooooo negative, hates the students in the main, and I realised I couldn’t stand to be tied down to a strict schedule, 5 days a week, crossing our…[Read more]
Morning coffee….and madness to-do list continues….nothing like the fall…but I also cannot afford to fall behind too much or else it will be the fall all over again….yikes…..But….As humans we tend to brush over the good things and focus in on the bad stuff, like the famous quote “the mind is like teflon for the…[Read more]
Oh my goodness. What a drama queen you have on your hands! It sounds like you are handling her well. I’m going to remember the whole Teflon/Velcro thing and try to adjust my thought process accordingly today.
Wouldn’t you just love to tell how you really feel about her self centered, attention grabbing, narcissistic behavior! Ha I’d love to have court side seats! Good for you for keeping it professional and directing all future complaints to your boss. Let him have some fun! Have a lovely evening. Oh and congrats on that grade. Wow!
Yeah, heaps of love to our dearest @wildchild. May they give her decent pain relief.
So loved her last writing – blew me away that she was not even focussing on her surgery, and could give so much to those of us less inspired at present on our sober journeys
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