It must have started around the time I graduated from high school. At that time I was not yet aware of the lack of emotional support in my home, and suddenly I found myself lost on a university campus, trying to navigate life on my own. Now I understand that it was CPTSD, complex childhood trauma/post traumatic stress, but back then I figured I was just another college student, drinking, partying, having fun. Well, it wasn't fun anymore in my late 20's, when I would sometimes miss work due to having had a bottle of red wine on a week night. One glass often (almost always) turned into 3-6 or more. I remember one specific night, when I was 29, and I had finished a whole bottle of red wine by myself when a friend called to ask me to meet up for a glass of wine. We shared another bottle. Sitting there talking to my friend, I was wondering to myself "How on earth did you drink almost two bottles of wine?? This is not what normal people do. Or is it?" Becoming sober has been a two steps forward, one step back since then. I am happy to report that this year I have only had one drinking episode, and I am hopeful I stay away for good. It is just not worth risking even one more hangover. Speaking of which, I wish I could go back in time and hug my younger self, who was crouched on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet too many times. Crying, red veins popped underneath her eyes, yellow stomach acid coming out of her mouth in between dry heaving. There were nights of drunk calling or texting people, waking up covered in sweat, shame, and fear. The fear might have been the worst. All those years I was so scared of feeling and being me. Luckily I found a good therapist three years ago and have worked through and healed a lot of my traumatic experiences from childhood, but I want to keep an eye on self-care. It is too easy for me to slip back into self-loathing and fear and toxic shame. I want to be my own best friend and supporter, the person my inner child can trust to always have her back. Reading Mrs. D's book was one of the first things I did when I started looking around for actions to take to heal (or whatever it is you do to make it stop for good) my alcoholism. Ouch, that is still a bit hard to write down. Alcoholism. But I guess normal people just don't do what I did. They stop after one glass, and they do not have those day-long hangover days from one bottle of wine or more. So now that I created this profile, I will go back into the "real" world, where 99% of people look at me as normal and not an alcoholic. It has been a quiet "no more" journey, and even my husband thinks I never had a drinking problem. It is almost shocking at how good I hid it from others and myself. I don't want to drink anymore, and I don't ever ever ever want to feel hungover again. xoxo
Something something morning coffee….aaand we’re off to work….lol….
All is well over here but a wee bit of a morning rush…..worked till 11pm last night to prep a guest speaker event I organized for one of my classes….massive self-care failure there and a reminder that I don’t have to do these…[Read more]
Two full weeks is an amazing milestone, way to go!!! oxoxx I remember the first big ones…the one week, ten days (double digits) and then the next is 3 weeks, which AA celebrates as well I believe. Keep up the amazing self-care!
Hi, I was hoping I would hear from you @Mari135. Your posts always have such calmness and wisdom to them. I aspire to achieve some of what you have. I did think about your questions about childhood and I have my theories about that. I think my drinking stems from constant anxiety and worry about life now and in the future. It is endless and…[Read more]
Day 561 is a massive accomplishment Jes! oxoxo And it’s ok to be an asshole every now and then. I am like that and I hope to God it’s normal, lol. Especially to people closest to me, like hubby. Oooops.
Loving how you give yourself the most precious gift…time.
You got time to decide what feels right regarding the house.
My parents downsized in their 60’s and you will know what to do and when to do it. Maybe for now, take in that beautiful spring and let new life cover up the old wounds…..the familiar and safe surroundings help guide you back…[Read more]
You are not a bad person, Bobby.
I have said AWFUL stuff when I was blackout drunk….One guy in particular in college got it good….I can’t remember what I said but I drunk-raged at him GOOD….We met up years later and he wasn’t angry at all….I think if anything people are concerned because they want us to be ok and safe.
Hi @Bobby ……we are with you and we hear you …..I’m only just starting out having hit rock bottom and getting to a point where I have to and want to get out of this dark hole…… so I guess I’m not experienced enough on this journey yet to offer any pearls of advice …… but this community on here will surround you and support you and…[Read more]
People ordering breakfast cocktails and champagne with orange juice all around us during breakfast this morning…..My thoughts?
“Hmm….those look…too small….I’d need at least…..like 4 to even feel anything….and then I’d keep drinking all day and feel like shit right around 1pm/2pm.”
In sum, I am still an alcoholic and I would still…[Read more]
She’s so f’n sneaky that wine witch isn’t Sh. Even after all the evidence we present ourselves daily in sobriety, she still tries to sneak in there with her happy lies about how good it is to be a pisshead. Sounds like you are having a great time in spite of her! And ewwww what is a “breakfast cocktail”!!!!?
Hi @Mari135 I often have thoughts of “a drink would be nice, a long cool southern comfort with plenty of ice and diet coke” especially when people are here like yesterday ploughing into it, my daughter and her friends…….but that thought is immediately countered with another reinforcing thought ” but I am a greedy little pisshead when I drink…[Read more]
Happy study sweet Mari. I get a ghastly knot in my tummy just reading or hearing about such things, then remember with truckloads of gratitude, all mine is pretty light weight from here to retirement, and it is fascinating, relevant to both my role and to me – no more agonising and cramming 🙂
But good for your brain and time of life 🙂 🙂 🙂 xxxxx
That fantasy ….fiou …we know the reality . And i know what you mean the craziest idea popped in my mind while going to my AA meeting this morning as i walked in front of a posh restaurant , the voice said : that would be a nice place to start drinking again……my first glass of red wine .
Mmmm ….yeah sure .
Then was offered a mimosa at…[Read more]
44 days!!! oxoxo And oh boy do you have my compassion for the mood/experience swing there. How often do I start out my day on here feeling like Buddha himself….sharing love and sunshine and unicorn sparkles….self-assured of my emotional state and hopeful about the day….5 minutes later it all goes to shit. The ups and downs of a day can be…[Read more]
Man..that legacy….. oxoxoxxo
Had no idea jelly beans grow into lollipops! 🙂
Have so much fun and soak up that so-well-deserved family time. You created this safe space for yourself and everyone close to you. Epic Easter high fice!
Morning coffee….and a busy day of working ahead but that’s ok….summer break in a few weeks when all I do is teach online.
Had a lovely two hour breakfast with a friend yesterday and today another one with other friends….Easter is busy and I like it!
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