It must have started around the time I graduated from high school. At that time I was not yet aware of the lack of emotional support in my home, and suddenly I found myself lost on a university campus, trying to navigate life on my own. Now I understand that it was CPTSD, complex childhood trauma/post traumatic stress, but back then I figured I was just another college student, drinking, partying, having fun. Well, it wasn't fun anymore in my late 20's, when I would sometimes miss work due to having had a bottle of red wine on a week night. One glass often (almost always) turned into 3-6 or more. I remember one specific night, when I was 29, and I had finished a whole bottle of red wine by myself when a friend called to ask me to meet up for a glass of wine. We shared another bottle. Sitting there talking to my friend, I was wondering to myself "How on earth did you drink almost two bottles of wine?? This is not what normal people do. Or is it?" Becoming sober has been a two steps forward, one step back since then. I am happy to report that this year I have only had one drinking episode, and I am hopeful I stay away for good. It is just not worth risking even one more hangover. Speaking of which, I wish I could go back in time and hug my younger self, who was crouched on the bathroom floor in front of the toilet too many times. Crying, red veins popped underneath her eyes, yellow stomach acid coming out of her mouth in between dry heaving. There were nights of drunk calling or texting people, waking up covered in sweat, shame, and fear. The fear might have been the worst. All those years I was so scared of feeling and being me. Luckily I found a good therapist three years ago and have worked through and healed a lot of my traumatic experiences from childhood, but I want to keep an eye on self-care. It is too easy for me to slip back into self-loathing and fear and toxic shame. I want to be my own best friend and supporter, the person my inner child can trust to always have her back. Reading Mrs. D's book was one of the first things I did when I started looking around for actions to take to heal (or whatever it is you do to make it stop for good) my alcoholism. Ouch, that is still a bit hard to write down. Alcoholism. But I guess normal people just don't do what I did. They stop after one glass, and they do not have those day-long hangover days from one bottle of wine or more. So now that I created this profile, I will go back into the "real" world, where 99% of people look at me as normal and not an alcoholic. It has been a quiet "no more" journey, and even my husband thinks I never had a drinking problem. It is almost shocking at how good I hid it from others and myself. I don't want to drink anymore, and I don't ever ever ever want to feel hungover again. xoxo
Lucy!!!! oxoxox I am always so very happy to see your face pop up here. I will think of of you, as I always do, while driving to my gym to swim in about half hour. If it hadn’t been for you….I would not have thought of swimming again. And swimming has been a lifeline throughout so much in the last two years. oxoxox Lots of love your way!!!!
And that’s ok. It’s not your fault. oxoxx I had 3-4 of those AFTER I had decided to finally get sober for real. Each hangover day felt like a slap in the face. Anxiety…toxic shame….racing thoughts…. Give yourself extra self-compassion today. You deserve it. oxoxo
Ohh thanks so very much!!! I’ve missed coming here and I have missed you guys. A LOT. oxoxoxoxo LOVE the battery metaphor….funnily enough, when I read the email notification from your reply on my phone….my battery WAS empty…both the phone and myself…..Throw in a weekend filled with self-care….a deep tissue massage…..walks in nature…sleeping in….tea…..watching some mindless Dwayne Johnson Action Movie…..and life seems very different. Thank you for being here. oxxox You bring so much to this space!!!!!
Ohh thanks so much morgan!!! Thank YOU for being the relentless and absolutely compassionate companion here on this forum. It would not be the same space without you here. oxoxoxox I am looking forward to more quotes from you, and posts about life. I have learned so much from you, and have no doubt I will continue to do so. oxoxox
And I love that you’re back full force! That’s what I love about this forum. People give themselves permission to come and leave, to stay, to pause, and that is what unconditional support looks like. It is about YOU. No expectations from others. YOUR healing and YOUR needs come first. oxoxoxox I can post here, or take a break. But I know I can always come back….and that has helped me stay sober, and to not forget that self-care matters. High five to you!! I am rather chuffed with us. Look at all that hard work to heal….holy shit! xxoxoxoxoxo
And I missed your posts!!! Finally catching up and bringing back self-care to my life after a few weeks of work-nonstop. Phew. Breathing….expanding…..living in the moment. I missed that. And the morning coffee-LivingSober-time. oxoxo Hope your weekend was, and continues to be, all you needed it to!!!
Oh how I love this……I am trying to remind myself to wait until the morning before making decisions these days, or even to think about issues. The morning voice and energy can be trusted. HALT is very real. I would like to get better at that. oxoxoxo Thanks a lot for the reminder!!!
Day 721. And how I missed reading your updates!!! oxoxoxo Scrolled down the newsfeed and was hoping to see one from you eventually. Lots of love your way!!!! I hope things with the skin treatment are going well. You’re in my thoughts in my daily life over here in the Midwest.
Oh God…this post is gold. I remember feeling so ambivalent about hearing people tell me that “I would get better…” that….”this would pass….” ….”That I would not always feel this way…” I WANTED to believe them….so badly…..I did…some days I did believe them….Other days though I got angry….at people telling me that shit because I figured that it was true for others, more normal people, but certainly not me. I’d always be the drunk, self-harming, non-career-having broken soul, from a broken family.
I am so glad “they” were right…things do get better…..it may take time, professional help, more time, setbacks, pulling yourself off of the floor over and over again…..but it doesn’t end there. Life goes on and healing is possible.
Keep the cigs for as long as you have to, if it helps with staying sober. That can be the next project once you feel grounded in sobriety. I ate my weight (and then some) in sugar…for MONTHS…almost an entire year, really….. which doctors now say is just as bad as drinking/smoking. I needed it or else I would have relapsed. Tug that away for when you feel ready. You so got this. oxoxoxo
97 days….three days to the big triple digits, you legend you! oxoxox And you have my sincere compassion for the depression-wave hitting. Been there, done that. I will be there again in the future. Just know you’re not alone and it won’t feel like this forever. These waves suck donkeyballs but they pass…they always pass. It sounds like you have very clear thoughts and also perspective. Trust yourself. Give yourself permission to do what you need to do. oxoxox It will feel lighter again soon, I promise.
Ohhh 5 weeks!!! Legend!! tell Port Douglas hello from me and if you have the chance do a snorkelling day-trip to Opal Reef….Most precious place on earth. I loved Port Douglas and everything around it. oxxxoxoxo
Never been before – always wanted to – have a few excursions planned – apparently I will be packing very different clothes from those to Melbourne – goodness might even have to use the iron – that happens once every four to five years or so 😀
oxoxoxo Give yourself permission to not have all the answers just yet, and to let the question mark sit there calmly next to you for as long as it needs to be. It’s ok to not have all the answers, to feel sad, to feel scared, unsure, conflicted, and ambivalent. It means you’re a normal human being with feelings. You got this and you will be ok. You have my compassion for your marriage-feelings. I have been in a similar boat for a while and tried couples counseling, with little success. Right now I just take every day as it comes. No pressure, no “should-ing” myself. Just know you’re not alone, and others feel it too. They have in the past, they do right now, and in the future there will always be others who end up asking themselves the same questions you do right now, and who go through similar feelings and experiences. oxoxox It’s not your fault. You’re not going to feel like this forever.
Healing is a process, and often not a single event. It takes times and often turns and re-turns. And that is ok and normal. ooxoxox I am so glad you’re here! And I love reading your updates. It’s been too long since I had time here to catch up with everyone and your name is always one I scan for when I scroll down the newsfeed. oxoxo
We will be here for you anytime you need someone, all along the way. oxoxoxoxo You got this. Preparing is the best way to protect your sobriety I have come to find. If I anticipate triggers and plan accordingly, it still can be difficult at times but at least I am not attacked out of the blue without a warning. Our brains like to be warned I think. oxoxoxox High five, you got this.
90 days coming up so soon…..Look at you go! oxoxoxo One of the biggest things I learned when I got sober was that life will still have shit moments. It will be gritty. Or boring. Or both. And many other things. But when sober, we show up for it all. I also no longer (for the most part) falsely believe that something is wrong when I have a hard day or week or month. Those are part of life and need not to be boozed away.
Day 7 and running the morning, way to go you!! oxoxox Having all that extra time for sleep, healthy activities, chores, etc. was a surprise to me as well once I put down the bottle. You don’t realize how much drinking-and-recovering takes up in terms of energy, health, and time.
Loved reading this, Frog. Very very insightful. I need alone time as well and thrive when I get my two plus days in a row on weekends to unwind and kind of go with what my body and soul need. I used to ignore that and drink that need away. oxoxoxo
73 days!!! Way to go Lucy!!! You were one of those special people who reached out to me (I am pretty sure you commented on my very first post, actually, and many many after that.) And you were also the one who gently pointed out that us addicts want a quick fix and are impatient and want it now. Instant gratification. I took that lesson with me throughout all those months since. Reminding myself of the wisdom you shared and continue to share here. I am just so glad you’re back!!! I missed you while you took a break from the forum. Give yourself a big fat pat on the shoulder. This is not an easy thing to do. oxoxox One time when I lapsed I kept drinking for a good year. That was before I even read Mrs. D’s book. It was not a single event like it seems for some people. My sobriety was a process and took time, and I can see so much of myself in your posts and how you stopped. Thanks for being here!!! oxoxox It’s people like you that make me want to come back and continue to be a part of this community. Have a lovely Sunday!!