• Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 4 months, 2 weeks ago

    Have sent you an email honey. Xxxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 4 months, 2 weeks ago

    Hey beautiful – you are a good person. You are an incredible light. You are a wonderful mother. You are human. You are temporarily overwhelmed. You are honest and brave and authentic. You’ve got this and we’ve got you. Will email you tomorrow. Hold on. Big love. Xxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    I’m still shuddering at the picture you painted of drunk people attempting to unicycle next to plate glass windows. Thing is, I would have been one of those idiots back in the day for sure and I would probably have been really nasty to anyone telling me to cease and desist. Grateful for the graphic reminder. You do rock. Now I feel like cod. X

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 2 weeks ago

    @tom4500 – I absolutely love this notion. Have found flipping things around in this way incredibly helpful. Someone on here suggested that rather than saying “I have to go to work, then I have to go to the gym and I have to cook dinner etc” you replace the word have with the word get. I get to go to work. I guess it’s a form of gratitude exercise but it’s worked wonders for me and so will your craving/reminder tip. Thank you. Xxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 2 weeks ago

    Hey Ro, you are right – “people are very self-absorbed and really mostly only care about themselves and what they’re doing” I find it a bit depressing sometimes. Don’t hold out on us – where’s the limericks – or at least one. Most of the limericks my Dad taught me would likely ruffle feathers but this one is for a general audience:
    There once was a barmaid from Vale, tattooed on her chest the price of ale, and on her behind, for the sake of the blind, was the same information in Braille. Xxx

    • There was a lady called Jill, tried a dynamite stick for a thrill. They found her vagina in South Carolina, and bits of her tits in Brazil! @lucylocket lol that was the tamest of the three i did. I saw something similar to your one where I got them from. Very lewd the majority. Good old toilet humour always gets titters and guffaws

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 2 weeks ago

    Ditto, ditto, ditto with family for me – makes it easy to think there’s something wrong with me or there’s something wrong with them – in reality we’re just really different. I am the odd one out but I’m glad and I’m proud of my values and the things that make me different from them and I love them while sometimes not liking them and not agreeing with or respecting their behaviour. I am doing so well – feeling really peaceful and contented and happy a lot of the time. Learning not to be so reactive and black and white. After my first session with counsellor I thought, she’s no help at all I’m not going back. But I did and second session was fantastic. For some reason I find addiction counselling and the “Maintaining the Change” group really triggering but instead of just avoiding them, this time I’m committed to attending at least 10 sessions and digging a bit deeper to discover why it sets me off. I’m slightly confounded that I’m feeling this stable because I expect to lose my friend any day now and you wouldn’t believe it but I took another friend to a routine colonoscopy on Monday and they found a malignant tumour had infiltrated 3/4 of his lower bowel. Scans next week to see if it’s metastasised anywhere else then radiation and chemo to try and shrink it enough for surgery. Also dealing with a friend with depression and some family issues but I’m just doing the next right thing and taking care of myself. Lots of tears and grieving but its ok to be sad about a really sad thing and in between I’m finding little sparkly bits of joy in my days. Was interested that my addiction counsellor said the most important part of the change cycle for her was relapse because if you emerge from it you emerge stronger and wiser. Big love to you missy. Xxxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 2 weeks ago

    Darn it is right! I really want to know what reason 25 was – feel like I’ve missed an episode of a favourite tv show. I’m with Robyn – don’t leave us hanging… xxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 2 weeks ago

    Hey lovely – don’t forget the concept of “good enough” parenting. Jeepers when mine were little and fighting I’m sure I often shrieked at them and put them in their rooms just so I could collect myself for a bit. I figure our sobriety is the greatest gift we can give them so we’re off to a brilliant start. So happy that you get to hang in Sydney for the weekend. Glad you have one sister who’s open and responsive and real – I find families can be the loneliest place sometimes. Enjoy your break. Xxx

    • Family is definitely a struggle for me, I always feel like the black sheep, the odd one out, always on the outside. So I am really excited to see my sister in Sydney, I wish she lived here! How are you doing my lovely xxx

      • Ditto, ditto, ditto with family for me – makes it easy to think there’s something wrong with me or there’s something wrong with them – in reality we’re just really different. I am the odd one out but I’m glad and I’m proud of my values and the things that make me different from them and I love them while sometimes not liking them and not agreeing with or respecting their behaviour. I am doing so well – feeling really peaceful and contented and happy a lot of the time. Learning not to be so reactive and black and white. After my first session with counsellor I thought, she’s no help at all I’m not going back. But I did and second session was fantastic. For some reason I find addiction counselling and the “Maintaining the Change” group really triggering but instead of just avoiding them, this time I’m committed to attending at least 10 sessions and digging a bit deeper to discover why it sets me off. I’m slightly confounded that I’m feeling this stable because I expect to lose my friend any day now and you wouldn’t believe it but I took another friend to a routine colonoscopy on Monday and they found a malignant tumour had infiltrated 3/4 of his lower bowel. Scans next week to see if it’s metastasised anywhere else then radiation and chemo to try and shrink it enough for surgery. Also dealing with a friend with depression and some family issues but I’m just doing the next right thing and taking care of myself. Lots of tears and grieving but its ok to be sad about a really sad thing and in between I’m finding little sparkly bits of joy in my days. Was interested that my addiction counsellor said the most important part of the change cycle for her was relapse because if you emerge from it you emerge stronger and wiser. Big love to you missy. Xxxx

      • Aww Hun I am sorry sorry to hear you are about to lose your friend, you have been a great friend to him, being there for him and bringing him food, I hope you will be ok ❤️ And now to have another friend with cancer, wow, that’s tough for sure!
        I do feel like you sound stronger and in a better place at the moment, I am so grateful for that! Make sure to take the time to look after yourself as well as others! Big big hugs for you lovely!!!

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 2 weeks ago

    I love that “whatever it takes” concept, go you! Congratulations on your new role – when do you start? I hear you about feeling you will miss that after school time with your son but I found that the time I spend with my son now is so genuine and authentic and rich – our relationship has deepened. What a fantastic way to mark Waitangi Day. Xxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 2 weeks ago

    Hi there and welcome – so glad you found us. X

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 2 weeks ago

    That relentless “I’ll die if I can’t have a drink” is so overwhelming – it won’t always be this hard – promise. For me novelty and treats, especially sweet treats were helpful in the beginning. I kind of threw myself off all my usual routines and did things I wouldn’t normally do on a week night. Went to the movies or the hot pools, ate takeaways. I bought myself lovely cheeses and deli treats, books and fancy magazines. I cooked dinner in the morning or made freezer meals during the weekend because 4-8 pm was a real trigger time for me and I needed to be able to run a bubble bath or binge watch Netflix when the cravings were intense and I was so angry and frustrated or tearful. Long brisk walks were and still are a life saver. My dogs life has definitely improved! I had a lot of people cheering me on and they let me winge and moan to my hearts content which helped me let off steam and stay strong. Have you worked out what your biggest triggers are? eg HALT hungry, angry, lonely, tired -then you can take steps to head them off. You’re into the double digits you bloody legend. High five. Xxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    Yay! Glad you finally got your hands on some BBQ chips. X

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    Hey lovely Jocord – you are so sweetly sensitive – you didn’t get the letter because I am such a silly perfectionistic worry-wart I didn’t send it. I had cut out pretty pictures from magazines to make paper and written about all the tiny details of my life and had a crisis of confidence and thought how absolutely juvenile and home made looking and what a boring letter and a silly present. I know, I know – one of my biggest challenges in sobriety is learning to be kinder to myself. I am SO glad to hear from you and @timidwarrior today. I have just come from a day spent with my friend who is dying of cancer and the day was so confronting I feel horribly amped up as though I’ve had 20 cups of coffee and very sad and angry and helpless all rolled into one. My endocrine system is responding as if my safety is actually being threatened and on top of this me and my lovely, gentle dog we’re attacked by a pit bull at the beach this morning. Proud that drinking only crossed my mind for a second today and I didn’t succumb. My decades of drinking caused my life, friendships, goals to shrink almost to nothing and spending time with my friend who has so little left has made me antsy to expand my life but also scared and uncertain where to start! When I was feeling overwhelmed today I heard all the lovely sober living voices saying, “just sit with it” and for a second I thought – too painful, too time-consuming but those three weeks drinking were horrendous and I’m not going back. It’s lovely and sunny so I might take the dog for an evening swim after dinner – or just sit and enjoy my view of the sea and hills. I am doing well in spite of it all. Feeling very grateful. Xxxx

    • Big big hugs to you lovely, you are going through a lot! It is very confronting to watch someone dying in front of you, it makes you think about a lot of things, not all of them nice thoughts!
      I hope you and your dog are ok after the pitbull attack!!!
      Well done for staying strong and not drinking, you are doing so so well ❤️❤️❤️

    • Oh dear, in this day of electronic communication I think any effort made to have a personal communication no matter how clumsy, is straight from the heart and I value that! In fact, your post made me instantly think of something I have for you, so check your email my friend. ☺️💕

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    And oops posted twice I thought the first one had vanished! Think I better make a cup of tea and get into bed with a book. X

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    Oops – shared genes. X

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    Oh honey I bet your heart hurts – I have BBQ kettle fries, wish I could cram them through the internet for you. Angry and depressed is a hard combination to sit with without chips. I hear you – my Mum sounds like your daughter. She is constantly saying cruel, cutting negative things that leave me feeling wounded, unloved and sometimes, unlovable. If I tell her she’s upset me she’s incredulous “surely I’m entitled to my opinion dear? I’m just being honest. Everyone agrees with me.” I can’t change her so I’m trying to change the way I allow her to make me feel. I believe I am a kinder, gentler more sensitive soul than she is and that comforts me a bit. Shred genes don’t guarantee a shared worldview do they? Big love sweet pea. Xxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    Oh honey, I bet your heart hurts – I have a Mum who sounds like your daughter – frequently makes the most cutting remarks and leaves me feeling wounded and unloved and sometimes unlovable but maintains she’s “just being honest.” Shared genes don’t guarantee a shared worldview. I have BBQ kettle fries – I wish I could poke them down the internet to you. My Mum will never change so I have to try and change the way her comments make me feel and sometimes avoid her. If I tell her I think she was cruel or negative or that she upset me she’s either incredulous (“surely I’m entitled to my opinion dear?”) or she tells me I’m pathetic and I should harden up or my favourite “well everyone agrees with me.” I love her and I believe I’m a gentler, kinder more sensitive soul so that comforts me. Depressed and angry is bloody hard to sit with especially without chips. Big love sweet pea. Xxx

    • @lucylocket! OMG that is what I want those darn BBQ kettles! I know she knows it bothers me, and I do think she wants support but all I ever get is feeling bad. She isn’t mean, she was just sharing what her Dad does without thinking about how I would feel about it and it’s like such OLD news really. But I don’t like being alienated from my girl – it’s up to her to stop it. Your Mom makes me upset for you dear. I cannot imagine dealing with that. You are such an amazing woman for walking through it all. Thanks love, you are amazing….damn want my chips. You know, I cut my Dad off because he always makes me feel bad about myself when I don’t deserve it. I guess I’ll have to set boundaries with her regarding discussing him as I don’t give a shit. He’s just punishing me for not going back to him. Big love back at you girl. I appreciate you all so much. Xxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    @gilligan5323, sorry to hear you lost your friend, and he was so young – what a lot to process. A few months ago my friend was drinking whiskey in a spa pool and fell asleep/passed out and drowned and was found by her son. Addiction IS scary stuff. Let’s stick together and keep it at bay. Sending love your way. Xxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    Thanks so much guys – I’ve been thinking about why I didn’t reach out for help when I was first feeling tempted and it comes down to three things: pride (what will they think of me, I bet everyone is thinking,” we knew she didn’t have what it takes to get sober”, ridiculous), not wanting to be a bother (I know it takes me quite a bit of time and effort to write heartfelt and tailored replies and I don’t think I’m worthwhile, I don’t merit your effort – have to work on self esteem) and subconsciously not wanting to be talked out of drinking. I can’t believe how much I’m learning about myself when I’m sober but I’d kind of like a break from all this relentless introspection – it’s exhausting. I read some tips for recovery online that said: everything you go through is only temporary, make sure to spend time with those you love being around, look outwards instead of inwards and be mindful. I’m an archetypal hermit/loner and I have almost no one here in Napier that I like spending time with but it also said “true friends are an abundant resource. Having a strong social circle is purely a function of the effort you invest in it. That includes choosing to associate with people who are aligned to your purpose and avoiding the energy vampires.” I am trying to shed a particularly difficult energy vampire who ardently refuses to be shed. Forgot how ghastly withdrawal is. Just walked the dog around a beautiful estuary with blinding headache and terrible nausea – feel exhausted but as I said so relieved and grateful for this second bite of the apple – drinking very quickly became nightmarish but very difficult to stop. I needed to drink to relieve the terrible feelings caused by drinking. It’s no way to live.

    • Hi @lucylocket great to have you back. I will agree with you that the introspection is exhausting at the start but honestly for me it is worth it because you begin to know yourself better and can start then to preempt disaster before it happens. I am learning but finding benefit now from all the anguish in that I can really try to plan from the start of the day and it is not a gigantic chore!! Little by little and with lots of practise and mistakes it becomes easier in that you do it without thinking about it almost and then you start on other stuff!!! There is always something new to learn and really learning is fun.❤️

  • Day one. Oh the relief! I was starting to become so afraid that I wouldn’t be able to stop. Have been drinking for three weeks now and it is terrifying how quickly the wheels can fall off. Almost back up to my previous intake and sick with shame over all the sneaky drinking from a wine bottle in the basement, having to hide bottles etc. Can’t believe how quickly anxiety, depression, crazy, twisted thinking returned with drinking. I’m not looking forward to the next three days of withdrawal but my son is on holiday with his dad so I’m going to be taking it very easy. Rest, a swim at the beach maybe, lots of water, vitamins, fruit and veg. Seeing CADS counsellor again week after next – didn’t really find her much use – and starting “Maintaining the Change” weekly meetings this Friday. Feeling overwhelmed by a whole lot of stuff going on at the moment but drinking made it all SO much worse. Just taking a step back for a few days until the alcohol is out of my system and I can start to have a more realistic, rational perspective on things. Go well lovelies. Xxx

    • @lucylocket I’ve been there before and it’s just ridiculous how we forget how it becomes hell again so easily. I’m praying for you that all goes smoothly the next few days and you are picking yourself back up and going for it again. You are such an inspiration here. When I relapsed after 5 years I was back to the same intake, anxiety and depression literally within weeks. I’m sure you have plenty of support but I’m around if you need a chat. You know how to do this so I’m confident you can. Big hugs! We are strong….we can do this! xoxoxoxoxox

    • Heck! This is why I’m too scared to relapse. Glad you’re back. Hugs xx

    • Glad you’re back. It really is frightening to see how fast we can slip back into the deep and dark. Thanks for fronting up and reminding us all.

    • Hello lovely @lucylocket! Congratulations on making this day one, I know you have been dealing with a lot lately so it makes me so happy to see you back here!
      You are a strong woman and I have no doubt you can do this ❤️. Definitely take it easy on yourself these next few days, do what you need to to get through the withdrawals xxx
      Good on you for reaching out to CADs again, I hope you find it helpful this time, I have found a lot of acceptance from attending their group meetings.
      Big hugs through cyber space xxx

    • Glad you’re back @lucylocket and thanks for reminding us, it can be so easy to forget and slip back. Take care of yourself, all up from here!

    • Thanks so much guys – I’ve been thinking about why I didn’t reach out for help when I was first feeling tempted and it comes down to three things: pride (what will they think of me, I bet everyone is thinking,” we knew she didn’t have what it takes to get sober”, ridiculous), not wanting to be a bother (I know it takes me quite a bit of time and effort to write heartfelt and tailored replies and I don’t think I’m worthwhile, I don’t merit your effort – have to work on self esteem) and subconsciously not wanting to be talked out of drinking. I can’t believe how much I’m learning about myself when I’m sober but I’d kind of like a break from all this relentless introspection – it’s exhausting. I read some tips for recovery online that said: everything you go through is only temporary, make sure to spend time with those you love being around, look outwards instead of inwards and be mindful. I’m an archetypal hermit/loner and I have almost no one here in Napier that I like spending time with but it also said “true friends are an abundant resource. Having a strong social circle is purely a function of the effort you invest in it. That includes choosing to associate with people who are aligned to your purpose and avoiding the energy vampires.” I am trying to shed a particularly difficult energy vampire who ardently refuses to be shed. Forgot how ghastly withdrawal is. Just walked the dog around a beautiful estuary with blinding headache and terrible nausea – feel exhausted but as I said so relieved and grateful for this second bite of the apple – drinking very quickly became nightmarish but very difficult to stop. I needed to drink to relieve the terrible feelings caused by drinking. It’s no way to live.

      • Hi @lucylocket great to have you back. I will agree with you that the introspection is exhausting at the start but honestly for me it is worth it because you begin to know yourself better and can start then to preempt disaster before it happens. I am learning but finding benefit now from all the anguish in that I can really try to plan from the start of the day and it is not a gigantic chore!! Little by little and with lots of practise and mistakes it becomes easier in that you do it without thinking about it almost and then you start on other stuff!!! There is always something new to learn and really learning is fun.❤️

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    You blow me away with your strength honey – here you are with SO much on your plate and what you’re thinking about is how can I offer hope to others today? So grateful for the “this will pass” reminder and grateful for your caring sharing. Xxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 3 weeks ago

    My psychiatrist highly recommended the David Burns book – going to order it now; thank you so much for sharing. Xxx

    • I am so excited just by the first couple of chapters. It’s easier to read so far than other self help books I’ve had.

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 4 weeks ago

    When I got my DUI I was fined @$800 and lost my license for six months. I don’t know about employers being notified but my name and crime was published in the local newspaper and I was a minor talking point for a few weeks. Lost a lot of weight walking everywhere and got lovely muscly arms from hauling groceries. I’m in NZ. Try not to feel guilt or shame – good, kind, brave, beautiful people do crazy things in the grip of addiction. Xxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 6 months, 4 weeks ago

    @prudence, an unexpected or seemingly inexplicable suicide is just so confronting and leaves such pain and turmoil in its wake. Another Hill for you to climb when you are still processing the end of your relationship with Francis and could probably really use an intimate significant other to bounce thoughts and feelings off. Winner makes such a good point – so often the men in our lives are less able to reach out for support and/or take gentle care of themselves – I often think that the culture of masculinity must be so hard to exist in. When I’m grieving I get most relief from helping others, spending time in nature and taking good care of myself – but I don’t need to tell you any of this wise one. I’m carrying you in my heart. Xxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months ago

    Hey hun – I’m not surprised you’re feeling low – it must be so hard when the person you hope would really have your back and support you in this unbelievably hard and brave thing you’re doing is behaving in a way that undermines you. Can you talk to him about how you’re feeling (when he’s sober) or is that not realistic? I agree with agirl, it would be great if you could talk to someone in person about this. I wonder why he’s drinking more? I wonder if he’s envious of your sobriety or guilty about his drinking now or if he misses you as his drinking buddy. I find I really can’t stand being around drinkers now. You might just have to look after you. Take a bath, watch a movie, read a book, eat chocolate and know you’re not alone. I’m really rooting for you and hope you feel a little less low soon. Take care isn’t just a platitude – it’s really important. Take good care of yourself sweet pea. Xxxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months ago

    Hi @nicmck – AA wasn’t for me either for a variety of reasons – although that said, I’ve retained a lot of what I learned there because I found it really helpful – just didn’t find having a sponsor or working the steps addressed the things I wanted to address. I know a lot of members here have benefited hugely from Rational Recovery (just google it) and I personally find reading sober memoirs, listening to poscasts about sobriety and subscribing to sober blogs helps change my deeply ingrained thinking. But by far the most helpful for me has been just showing up here in the members feed every day, twice a day and being alongside people like me and getting a whole lot of different perspectives from people treading the same path. Take extra special care of yourself in these first few days. Do you have lots of AF drinks and treats on hand? Let us know how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. Xxx

    • @lucylocket Did anything in particular help you through your first few weeks? I’ve yet to tell anyone, but plan to once I get less shaky. And yes! I just cooked far too much bacon 🙂 are there any non caffeinated (and obviously non alcoholic) drinks you’d recommend as an alternate?

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months ago

    Hey hun, just my two cents but one bottle of wine one night is a slip not a relapse. You owned it, you’re back and committed to sobriety – I say take one day off and move forward – it can feel disheartening and confronting to go back to zero. A relapse on the other hand like I have just had – ongoing daily drinking – I think it is imperative to begin again at day one with a lot more support in place. You don’t need to decide this minute. Xxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months ago

    @ro been on my mind too you popular little gidget. X

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months ago

    Hey sweetheart – just emailed my phone number if you wanna talk now, later, tomorrow, anytime. I have a tiny bit of experience with a drinker so zero judgement here. I really care about you. Let’s stick to facts sweet thing – you haven’t fucked up you’ve had a bottle of wine. It’s going to be ok missy – you just got overwhelmed and you did what you know. We’ll work out some ways of vanquishing the overwhelm. If you can’t sleep turn to your lifelong friend music. It never lets you down. Big love. Xxxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 1 week ago

    @tom4500 – my Mum used to say “pray that you’ll make the bus then run like hell.” Things like this remind me how alike and connected we all are in spite of superficial differences. X

    • Love it, @lucylocket. The other day I heard a NZ term that was exactly the same as it is here in the states….wish I could remember what it was. But it wasn’t the first time that happened. Reminds me too of how we are far more the same than we are different.

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 1 week ago

    Hey @rosey, in the early days I inundated myself with little treats, chocolates, pate, fancy cheeses, scented candles, bubble bath – whatever you’re into to ward of that “I’m missing out” feeling, I under-delivered on everything except sobriety and tried not to beat myself up if my bed didn’t get made, the washing piled up, meals were rubbish (I actually cooked dinner in the morning for a couple of months cos meal prep was a huge trigger for me), I was angry and unreasonable. I followed the “distract, delay” mantra – watched Netflix, went for walks, read, had a bath etc to distract myself and if the urge to drink was still overwhelming and seemingly unbearable I used the delay tactic – sleep on it and if you still want to drink tomorrow morning you can. I worked out as many of my triggers as I could (eg HALT hungry, angry, lonely, tired, and addressed the trigger before it could trip me up. I cried and raged a lot. Sometimes, when all else failed I hopped into bed at 5.30 or whenever and thought, well at least here I’m safe and not drinking. If I felt like drinking I came straight on here and asked for help. You are rocking sobriety- nearly into double digits! Go you. X

    • Great advice here! I heard on The Bubble Hour podcast in my early sobriety that all you have to change is everything. Change the door you come in, change your route home if you can, don’t cook if that’s a trigger. Think of your triggers–habitual things you did when the weekend rolled around, and do something new instead. Also, yes, the new things should include treating yourself very well. And remember, as they say, “no” is a complete sentence. Just because you’re invited to something doesn’t mean you have to go. Take good care! We can do this.

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 1 week ago

    Hey sweetheart, sorry to be negative but I have grave reservations about you going down the two papers road. I vividly remember the intensity of things falling apart for you when you were under the enormous pressures of life + assignment + very little sleep. I guess you know what to expect. I know you are studying with a view to getting out of a job that’s not right for you and into work you will enjoy. Is the diploma an absolute prerequisite for this new career path or can you get by citing the parts of it you have completed? If you are planning to study for a degree in your chosen field at some point this will supersede the diploma anyway. Worried for you hun. Hope the uni folks can come up with a solution that works for you. You deserve good things. Xxx

    • Hey lovely x. Unfortunately I do need this course to get into the field I want to and it is the last year this diploma is being offered so I am sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place.i will contact the university today and see what I can do!
      Keeping my fingers and toes crossed!

  • Day 4 following a relapse. I didn’t drink a lot but I drank furtively, guiltily for 5 consecutive days. It wasn’t as bad as the very bad old days but it would have got there fast. Feeling 100% positive about living the rest of my life AF. Felling that lifelong sobriety is eminently achievable and becoming easier. Over the last 4 days I have been experiencing an incredible and intense connection with nature. Also feeling very motivated and getting so much done. While I was drinking for those 5 days I imagined I’d be kind of back in those early sobriety struggles when I reset my counter but drinking hasn’t crossed my mind at all during the last four days. I am loving being sober. The benefits of the previous six months remain – 16 kilo weight loss, marked decrease in social anxiety and depression, marked increase in self respect, self esteem, motivation, achievement, less volatile and impulsive, much better relationships. I have broken out of a deadly prison and as long as I don’t drink I can stay free. Yippee. It is so important not to ever give up on giving up. Thank you my beautiful LS family. You have helped me get sober and stay sober (more or less) but far more important to me are the countless life lessons shared, the wisdom, generosity, warmth, love of our collective. Sobriety is doable. Let’s do it. Big love. Xxx

    • Thank you @Lucylocket, I needed to hear this reminder. Well done for brushing yourself off and getting back up 🙂

    • @lucylocket, you are awesome!

    • Hey lovely @lucylocket you are a superstar and I am glad you are back here xxx I love your positive perspective, you are an inspiration and I truly know that you can do this!!!

    • I appreciate your words of wisdom, @Lucylocket. You are so right to get up again, take stock, and move forward. Well done!

    • Hey @lucylocket! Great that you’re right back and feeling great. I had a little giggle when you mentioned a connection with nature. I am a runner/walker and I recall in my early months I would routinely comment here on how the colors of the sky, sun, clouds, trees, all of it, was so much more vibrant and beautiful. Love that someone else sees that too! Keep up the great work!

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 2 weeks ago

    Hey @trace – I’m SO glad you posted. I’m back to day one and determined and scared of failing yet again. I’m going to go back to daily posting too. Let’s be day buddies and look out for each other each day. I’m off to a friends orchard to pick plums and not beat myself up. I am choosing to reward myself for the courage to begin again. ( Been listening to the Tara Brach talk Mari123 posted). Be gentle with yourself today sweetheart. There is absolutely no reason why we can’t do this. I have learned so much from my relapse (will post later when plums are picked and bottled). Let’s be sober together today. X

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 2 weeks ago

    @prudence – you made me cry – grateful tears. I HAVE broken the cycle. I just got a card from my daughter and she wrote “thank you for making me feel unconditionally loved in every fibre of my being with every fibre of your being. It seems to me that even if I’m yawning and picking my nose you think I’m acing life and that no one is a cuter yawner and nose picker than I am. I forgave you for all the alcohol induced madness long ago – while you were still drinking. “ feeling very blessed.

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 2 weeks ago

    Oh I find this so hard. I was raised with intense shaming and criticism (and a lot of beatings) and we were not allowed to acknowledge any strength or achievement or we were told off for skiting and showing off and/or expected to improve next time. I am kind, generous, thoughtful, funny, a loving Mama, great gardener and cook, I have an intense connection to nature and I am a champion of the vulnerable and the underdog. The urge to “correct” or balance this with a (pages long) list of my failings is so strong. Thanks for the suggestion @sober4real. X

    • Beautiful xxx
      “A champion of the vulnerable and the underdog” – I love this 🖤

    • Lovely! Read this every morning and night!

    • @Lucylocket it is beautiful to see you recognising your strengths and defying the urge to list your failings. What we think about expands, so it is very much healthier to focus on our strengths and grow them, than to get at all stuck in our failings. They are just our works in progress. Thank you for rising above the failings of your parents…..and leaving a much more loving and positive legacy for your own children. You have broken the cycle. May many blessings fall upon you Lucy. Hugs xoxo

      • @prudence – you made me cry – grateful tears. I HAVE broken the cycle. I just got a card from my daughter and she wrote “thank you for making me feel unconditionally loved in every fibre of my being with every fibre of your being. It seems to me that even if I’m yawning and picking my nose you think I’m acing life and that no one is a cuter yawner and nose picker than I am. I forgave you for all the alcohol induced madness long ago – while you were still drinking. “ feeling very blessed.

    • There you are @lucylocket! I see you in your generous support and kind comments to everyone here at LS. xoxo

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 2 weeks ago

    Wow – love the name. Maybe we could all get T-shirts made – I’m a nephalist – are you? Though, for sure some moron would berate us with “ I think you people are disgusting – what you do with dead people and all.” Anyhow, welcome – glad you found us. X

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 2 weeks ago

    We’re still in the very early stages of loving ourselves and our brains back to a semblance of homeostasis. Sometimes when everything gets scary-bad it helps me to think/pretend it’s because my brain is so busy doing first class healing it’s had to drop the ball on manageable moods for a while. AA and CADS meetings often made me think “is this as good as it gets?” But a) NO, it isn’t and b) I wanted to drink, I was used to drinking and I needed a reason to hang my drinking on like – I’ve worked so hard and these support groups are supposed to really help and they’ve made me feel worse and I hate unpleasant feelings and I want them to stop now. It’s so hard isn’t it sweet pea. Maybe it won’t be so hard tomorrow. In one of Robynb’s best ever auto correct muddles she confessed she used to drink herself to Bolivian, try not to drink yourself to Bolivian or anywhere near it. Big love missy. Xxxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 3 weeks ago

    Oh my goodness! Thanks so much for posting this – so powerful and heartbreaking. I know I will return to it as part of my sober toolbox. Highly recommend. X

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 3 weeks ago

    Me too @native2nz – really helped me to tell friends, strangers, family, check out operators at my local supermarkets – most people knew anyway. X

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 3 weeks ago

    Merry Christmas @robynb – you’ve sure rolled with some punches this year – when I was newly sober your sometimes funny, indecipherable autocorrected posts were the only light in the darkness. We’re going to have a good 2019, I can feel it. X

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 3 weeks ago

    Have a happy day Tim. X

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 3 weeks ago

    Merry Christmas Reginald – we’re really doing this AF thing. X

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 4 weeks ago

    @prudence – you’ve been on my mind because so many of us have had such wise, considered, generous counsel from you that I kind of took your split from Francis in my stride – it’s superwoman Prudence, she’ll be fine. However, even though you made the right decision for you I bet you are feeling some feels. You are so bright and positive because you work at being bright and positive and I just wanted to acknowledge that. If I were you I would have a little pang when I looked at the kayak or meditation or Vegansim came up because I would be reminded of Francis. I love that you gave it a go and that you have built such a happy, fulfilling life for yourself that it works with or without a romantic partner. Anyhow, thinking of you and sending love and healing. X

    • How very kind of you to think of me @Lucylocket and thank you so much for your kind and insightful words.
      You are right, I am feeling a sadness. I had invested a lot of myself in this relationship, I let him in to my heart, my life, my family, my home, and I tried hard to make it work. I woke up with complete clarity (which had been eluding me) last Sunday, and I followed my intuition and let it go. I am too worldly for him, he is too airy fairy for me…..with all his esoteric beliefs. There is being evolved and there is being too fricken evolved!! I like a man with his feet planted firmly on the ground. But he is such a kind and lovely man with so many of the qualities I seek, and I have hurt him badly by not being willing to carry on, and that in turn hurts me. Oh dear! But better now than months down the track. I would settle happily for a man who made me crack up laughing at least twice a day. Happy Christmas Lucy xo

      • @prudence I’m thinking of you and so impressed you did what is right for both of you. Laughing is key- one of my best relationships lasted because he constantly made me laugh, even when I was crying. That is something I seek for sure as well as being grounded and stable. You will find your man – when we put ourselves out there we know we can get hurt. It’s easy to forget that but it’s what dating to find the right one is all about. I am thinking of you….

      • Lots and lots of love your way sweet Prudence. You got this and you know yourself. I continue to learn from you here, and often wish we could just have a wee coffee or tea and look at the sea in your beautiful country. When we know, we know. oxoxo And I cannot wait to hear how your beautiful kids have grandkids some day and then lots more NZ adventures will be had. The best is yet to come. oxoxox Give yourself time to grieve, if needed. Maybe the grieving already took place over time as you noticed and observed the differences. That’s how it is sometimes for me during break-ups. They still give an “ouch” but the process usually starts way before the “final talk” for me. We love you, and I hope we get to have you here in 2019 with more Taka Missions and lovely descriptions of your life down there.

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 4 weeks ago

    @DawnT – have you got some lovely food treats or distractions – to help you push through those awful longings? For the first few months I prepared the evening meal in the morning cos drinking was so much a part of cooking. When I was really buckling with craving I made cheese and crackers and pate and a fancy af drink and sat down with Netflix or a book so I was getting a reward albeit not the one I was used to. I have some horrendous photos of me drunk and I take them out when my mind is telling me how relaxing and enjoyable booze is. Hang in there sweetheart. It’s hard work we’re doing, aren’t we brave. X

    • Prepping dinner in the morning. Brilliant!!

    • @lucylocket wow! Your prep amazes me. And on one hand I’m so glad I don’t have too many drunk photos of myself I’ve enough memories to last forever and not in a good way. I do wish I had a box to pull from when I was anxious but I might have a heart attack seeing myself. hahaha. @DawnT it’s tough but the main thing is if you don’t drink you don’t get drunk. I have to simplify it that way myself. I also had terrible night sweats, pain in my internal organs and pretty sure an inflamed liver. I do not want to die that way….that was the top motivation for me. I just do not want to die an alcoholic death. I may die early from all I put myself through but perhaps I can get a bit healthier and enjoy the end of my life. Our minds are really incredibly sick and insidious….tell us all sorts of things to get that booze in the body. I’m glad you are so aware of that. Thinking of you…..

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 4 weeks ago

    Sorry the kids are making it hard at the mo – they’re designed to do that on and off throughout their lifespans- I’ve looked into it and we can’t get our money back. Sleep deprivation is a torture for a reason. Goodness how I know that longing for a drink to smooth everything over – although my kids say I was more uptight when I was drinking – all that hiding alcohol and sneaking drinks and running out and going to get more and trying to disguise being drunk. It’s a good thing you haven’t got any to hand. I hang on to something I read here that said under promise and under deliver (meals, work responsibilities, housework, kids’ activities etc) in order to hang on to your sobriety. Thinking of you.x

    • Thanks @lucylocket x. The kids are being their usual energiser bunny selves lol and I can usually handle it ok but due to lack of sleep I am finding it hard to keep my cool. Almost their bed time lol then time for yoga to de-stress!

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 7 months, 4 weeks ago

    Yep, being able to be the best parents we can is one of the best side effects of sobriety. You must be so proud of yourselves. X

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 8 months ago

    Hi there and welcome. So glad you found us : )

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 8 months ago

    Hey lovely @jocord – if the problem doesn’t resolve itself (and assuming you can see this), you have my email address so please flick me a msg if you need to vent about anything. Xxx

  • Lucylocket posted a new activity comment 8 months ago

    @limetwiste – I thought I would never achieve anything again when I first got sober. It was a great day if my bed got made and maybe a little washing and a few dishes got done. (Didn’t always happen). Around 100 days my motivation and achievement started really taking off.

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