• Day 857
    6:19am

    ***

    Russel Brand:

    “The very idea that you can somehow make your life all right by attaining primitive material goals – whether it’s getting the ideal relationship, the ideal job, a beautiful Berber rug or forty quids’ worth of smack – the underlying idea, ‘if I could just get X, Y, Z, I would be okay’, is consistent and it is quite wrong.

    Addiction is when natural biological imperatives, like the need for food, sex, relaxation or status, become prioritized to the point of destructiveness. It is exacerbated by a culture that understandably exploits this mechanic as it’s a damn good way to sell Mars bars and Toyotas. In my own blessedly garish addiction each addictive pursuit has been an act of peculiar faith that the action will solve a problem.”

    “I don’t wake up in the morning and think, ‘Wow, I’m on a planet in the Milky Way, in infinite space, bestowed with the gift of consciousness, which I did not give myself, with the gift of language, with lungs that breathe and a heart that beats, none of which I gave myself, with no concrete understanding of the Great Mysteries, knowing only that I was born and will die and nothing of what’s on either side of this brief material and individualized glitch in the limitless expanse of eternity and, I feel, I feel love and pain and I have senses, what a glorious gift! I can relate, and create and serve others or I can lose myself in sensuality and pleasure. What a phenomenal mystery!’ Most days I just wake up feeling a bit anxious and plod a solemn, narrow path of survival, coping. ‘I’ll have a coffee’, ‘I’ll try not to reach for my phone as soon as I stir, simpering and begging like a bad dog at a table for some digital tidbit, some morsel of approval, a text, that’ll do.”

    ***
    Morning coffee and Tom4500 informed me Thor stopped by. Yeah!!! I miss that old morning crew. But maybe it was there at the right time for all of us, and now that we do ok with less support and less checking in, that’s…[Read more]

    • Hi @Mari135! Good to hear from you. Lots to think about in your post – I love the Russell Brand quotes. Crazy how we keep on acting out the trauma drama, until we really get that it doesn’t serve us. Your new job sounds great and you sound happy + grounded. A bit more vacation for me, and back to the circus. And – I like my new therapist! You always bring a lot here. xoxo

    • Oh @mari135 how i have missed you and your beautiful, insightful, eloquent posts!! I love the quotes from Russell Brand, I found his book so helpful and insightful and FUNNY!! Sometimes we forget that while dealing with this heavy addiction, life can (and should still be fun!! I hope you have a terrific day, my friend. So grateful to be back and reading your posts. xo

    • Wow, that is a powerful line from the therapist in that show – when I read that I needed to stop and pause for a second. It is scary breaking away from our comfortable patterns that we grew up with even if they are bad for us and full of drama. I fall into that category for sure. Glad to see you @mari135! xoxo

    • I came back at the perfect time. Loved reading this post! Made me smile through it all.

      This though especially hit me (regarding a scene in the series you are watching):
      “But also dysfunctional drinking is depicted. And so so much more….In one scene (I’ll try and not spoil it) a therapist is asking a woman who experienced abuse if she “misses the drama” and if “living a safe life without violence is too boring for her”.

      Ouch….

      Yea, ouch. I had a huge lightbulb moment over this. And I’m going to make a separate post about it now.

      THANK YOU!

  • Aria posted a new activity comment 16 hours, 11 minutes ago

    Thank you @lucy. I have learnt a lot about myself

  • SandyB posted a new activity comment 18 hours, 19 minutes ago

    Thanks @Lucy feeling different this time which I am sure is a good sign 😀

  • Prudence posted a new activity comment 22 hours, 20 minutes ago

    Woo Hoo 68 days!! Doing good @Lucy. It is a real delight to see how much of a difference this sobriety is making in your family. Such a win win for everyone, but most of all for you. For you to see the happiness in your family and know it is because of your courage, your changes, you. Well done xoxo

  • phoenix0407 posted a new activity comment 1 day, 10 hours ago

    Thanks @lucy!

  • AprilsFool posted a new activity comment 1 day, 15 hours ago

    Thank you @Lucy, @Juliana, @Liberty, @Prudence, @kitten, @dennyd, @leslielily, @connilynn, @mmskinny for your kindness, love and support. You’ve all helped me to think deeply about all of this and come to truly understand that my feelings are real. That I’m not overreacting to a minor bump in the road. It’s become clear to me now that all this really happened – and the seriousness of it all. But although it SUCKED – I somehow got through it.

    In my heart of hearts, I think I’ve always feared that if I shared my story – and my experience – that someone would simply say ‘Hey, … just get over it!’ But I realize now that that would never happen. It was a very bad situation, there is no denying that. But at the same time, I realize that I DO have to get over it now. I really DO have to let it all go in order to move on and heal and live my life. I can’t keep looking back at those clouds. Yes, I was on auto pilot – just kept putting one foot blindly in front of the other, then one drink after another. But that just kept me right where I was. Going nowhere.

    Your words of support and kindness have helped me enormously and given me a sense of direction that I sorely needed. I send you all my love and deep thanks. I am so very grateful to be sober and have found this community. Xoxo

  • AprilsFool posted a new activity comment 1 day, 16 hours ago

    Oh @Lucy. Seems we’re both struggling at the same place here my friend. Pink clouds one day, thunderstorms the next. But isn’t it humbling to stop and think about how very deeply we can now enjoy something so small and everyday – like a morning swim? – to the point that it makes us stop and really feel it?? To become cognizant of how blissful it feels to be sober in that moment and appreciate it all the more? I know what you mean about life kind of pissing you off – me too!! But the easy night and the self care and the roast dinner are the rewards for slugging through the tough stuff. Thank you for thinking of me today and for your kind words and love yesterday. I really don’t know how I (or lots of others like me) would be able to get this done without the support and love of people like you. Xx

    • Lucy replied 1 day ago

      Good to read your doing ok @AprilsFool, I was a bit worried about you.. It’s the letting go of the past that has taken me years (still am to). But learning to forgive, even ourselves is hard work, we will get there though.. drink won’t help will it? Just make us worse.. Lots of love Lucy. x

  • LeslieLily posted a new activity comment 1 day, 21 hours ago

    @Lucy You are doing so well too!! I love catching up with your posts and seems like we are both in such a good mental space right now. I’m treading cautiously though as I know it doesn’t always last and there are still some big issues in my life I need to face sooner rather than later. <3

  • chasingthedandelion posted a new activity comment 2 days ago

    @lucy another pink cloudish day will come soon. I have been hit with anxiety the last couple of days too, totally out of the blue and I don’t know why. So strange. Hope you had some good self care😀

  • jennah posted a new activity comment 2 days ago

    Thanks @lucy. I don’t have much choice about it….well….that’s not totally true. The choice is how long do I want to live??? My answer is… a lot longer than if I am smoking and drinking. I got a big wake-up call on July 13 of this year. I am lucky to be here 🙂

  • Erica375 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 2 hours ago

    Thank you @Lucy. So far, so good!

  • WakingOwl posted a new activity comment 2 days, 4 hours ago

    @Lucy, I remember the challenges of keeping my daughter busy for two months every year, it can be exhausting. A family swim sounds wonderful. I am always grateful my mother insisted we all learn to swim well. Swimming can be an absolute joy!

  • Erica375 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 21 hours ago

    Thank you @Lucy, @WakingOwl, and @Juliana. I made it!!!

  • janus2 posted a new activity comment 2 days, 21 hours ago

    You possibly get more out of Rational Recovery website as thats where AVRT came from @lucy

  • Mandles posted a new activity comment 2 days, 23 hours ago

    Thanks @lucy it’s great to hear from you too… we are doin* really well aren’t we xxx

  • fridaymay92014 posted a new activity comment 3 days, 8 hours ago

    @lucy the problem is always the 1st drink

  • Jocord posted a new activity comment 3 days, 17 hours ago

    Good for you@Lucy! There are many expensive dinners I’ve forgotten I’ve eaten or I’ve experienced twice in a not so good way. Glad you can remember your curry.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 3 days, 22 hours ago

    Fill us in on that book please @Lucy. I’ve heard good things about it. It’s time for me to get a few new ones as well.

  • chasingthedandelion posted a new activity comment 4 days ago

    Sober life definitely sounds better @lucy !!

  • Juliana posted a new activity comment 4 days, 1 hour ago

    @Lucy. I had an eating disorder when I was younger and still deal with some eccentric eating now many years later. It was painful for me to give up trying to keep strict control of my eating, but essential to do when I was getting sober. So for me, it is an important tip to give people. Not everyone needs it, but just in case…. I’m sorry you have long term worries about weight too. It occupies a lot of mental space for me, but I’m sort of resigned to that, like having arthritis or something. I just have to work around it.

  • Juliana posted a new activity comment 4 days, 4 hours ago

    Try not to worry about treat eating, because If it helps you, that’s the right thing to do for now. I had to discipline myself to let go of food worries at the beginning of giving up wine, but it was really important for my alcohol struggle. Now after 2 1/2 years, I don’t drink and I’ve lost 15 pounds gradually. I did step up exercise, but not anything huge, just walking, tennis and swimming more often. You are doing really well @Lucy!

    • Thank you @julianna.. I always worry about my weight was bashed Into me from childhood.. need to let this go xx

      • @Lucy. I had an eating disorder when I was younger and still deal with some eccentric eating now many years later. It was painful for me to give up trying to keep strict control of my eating, but essential to do when I was getting sober. So for me, it is an important tip to give people. Not everyone needs it, but just in case…. I’m sorry you have long term worries about weight too. It occupies a lot of mental space for me, but I’m sort of resigned to that, like having arthritis or something. I just have to work around it.

  • WakingOwl posted a new activity comment 4 days, 4 hours ago

    @lucy, it’s a breathtakingly beautiful spot with sculpture gardens, standing stones, gardens, a labyrinth and a stone ampitheater. They have a web page should you be curious.

  • LauraLi posted a new activity comment 4 days, 18 hours ago

    Dinner was delicious. I ordered my drink first, tonic w a splash of cranberry and pineapple w an orange garnish. Gotta say it was very good and satisfying. With the new eating plan I’ve been on for 3 months, I dont drunk sweet drinks, so it was really treat outside of my new normal of hot cocoa every evening. Hot chocolate has magical powers!
    Was funny, he mentioned coming back to the bar area of the restaurant for apps and a couple of drinks. I asked him, “did you not notice I quit drinking” he said ” what, for a couple of days?” I said 9 days and I haven’t been so ER for that long since I was pregnant 15 years ago. Ug…he asked if I was pregnant. Oh well. He’ll figure it out when hes ready. I’m so on board with my new sober life and haven’t been this whole happy is so so long.
    Thanks @maryb @prudence @saoirse @Lucy
    Prudence, ya almost made me shed a little tear..thanks for being my support friends!

  • WakingOwl posted a new activity comment 5 days, 1 hour ago

    ah @Lucy so sorry to hear that. I work with dementia patients and day to day you never know what mood you’ll encounter and it can make people just plain mean when they’d always been pleasant. A comfy evening at home sounds like a good game plan. congrats on 64 days! you are doing this!

  • MaryB posted a new activity comment 5 days, 3 hours ago

    There’s nothing glamorous about poison, I’d like to see it treated like cigarettes available if you want it cos some people do not have a problem with it but hidden and only available at certain times. Maybe then it would not seem to be so acceptable. Now I sound old but I know how difficult it is at the end of a shop when you are tired and looking forward to loading it all in your car then going home and putting it all away (!!!!!!) to just treat yourself to one bottle “cos I deserve it”. End of vent take care @Lucy.😼😼

    • Sounds like a fellow -I hate grocery shopper- to me.god I hate that job..always need a treat after it…I’ve put on a kilo since not drinking…treat…treats and more treats…oink oink I say!

  • LauraLi posted a new activity comment 5 days, 4 hours ago

    I’m sorry your mum is struggling <3
    Sounds like a great evening planned. I felt the same way going home from work yesterday. I used to be in such a hurry to get home for a drink, so much so, sometimes I'd get one for the ride home! (its a 15 minute commute, but would need to stop at the store sometimes, delaying my arrival home)
    Yesterday on my merry way home, I stopped to have the oil changed in my car, totally relaxed and happy to be having it done.
    Well done on 64 days! Keep on reaching for the stars @lucy

  • whynot posted a new activity comment 5 days, 4 hours ago

    Sounds delightful, @lucy.

  • newstart100 posted a new activity comment 5 days, 6 hours ago

    Thank you @lucy! xo

  • LeslieLily posted a new activity comment 5 days, 19 hours ago

    @Lucy your posts just always always always remind me of my own story. I played all the same games every day. Or if I had a day of not drinking – like ONE day – I was patting myself on the back “see? You’re not an alcoholic! You’re fine!” But what a struggle it was those nights I didn’t drink and boy looking back I just can’t believe how much mental time and energy I WASTED thinking about and rationalizing my drinking. It is so so so much better to be present in the moment and not lost in an addicted brain. Day 50 for me, right behind ya! <3

  • JM posted a new activity comment 5 days, 23 hours ago

    Hi @Lucy! Well done on 62 days!! It’s amazing how life opens up in sobriety. I bet your stepdaughter really appreciated that. xo

  • suzkep posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Ok @lucy we can do this 😀

  • Juliana posted a new activity comment 1 week, 2 days ago

    I agree with @Lucy, ice cream, potato chips or whatever treat food you usually try to limit. Netflix or reading also. Knitting is hugely important for me in my list of distractions. I like hats too!

  • Agirl posted a new activity comment 1 week, 3 days ago

    Thanks for this timely reminder that the bad days don’t last @Lucy. Have a great day out there!

  • Happy2019 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 3 days ago

    You’re right @Lucy, moderation doesn’t work for us – if it did we wouldn’t be here. When one starts thinking about drinking or not drinking,drinking more ore drinking less, moderation turns into struggle and stress. People who manage to drink moderately are people who drink without any problem. They can do it or leave it like we can eat a carrot or not – without wasting any energy in this decision. But I think everyone of us knows how it goes when WE try moderation. There’s a roller coaster in our head that says: May I or not drink today? Should I or not drink another glass? I could instead drink less tomorrow. Or I drink a beer instead of wine. Or…” Oh I’m so glad having left this behind me! Enjoy your AF days and nights! 🙂

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 1 week, 3 days ago

    Thanks @lucy💗💗💗

  • dorothyparker posted a new activity comment 1 week, 3 days ago

    @lucy I have a sixteen year old son. Mostly we get along really well, but I find every now and then things go off the rails.
    Here in NZ we had a wonderful champion of boys growing into men called Celia Lashlie.
    I recommend you hunt out her book ‘He’ll Be Ok’.
    She also has wonderful online resources including podcasts about teenage boys and how to understand them a little better.
    There’s also a wonderful documentary about her simply entitled ‘Celia’.
    She passed away and this is around her work on men in prisons, domestic violence and prison reform.
    Your son is growing into the man he will be.
    Some of that involves the natural separation from you.
    He’s new to this, so it’s going to be clumsy at times, on both sides

    Great podcasts on RNZ
    https://www.rnz.co.nz/national/programmes/ninetonoon/collections/parenting-boys-the-celia-lashile-collection

  • Scared posted a new activity comment 1 week, 3 days ago

    @Lucy I think you might need to find yourself some new time fillers? My first round of sobriety coincided with the adult colouring phase so I did that and jigsaw puzzles initially. Then I got in to exercise. What are your interests? If drinking has sapped your interests, think back to your childhood. What did you enjoy doing then? Then find the adult equivalent. Hang in there xoxo

  • suzkep posted a new activity comment 1 week, 4 days ago

    Hey @lucy – just checking in and saying hi 👋 I should really be asleep – we watched rugby after our guests left until 1.45am – could not have managed that if wine was on the menu – sending you happy thoughts Xx

  • JM posted a new activity comment 1 week, 4 days ago

    Hi @Lucy! Do you have Netflix? I like Russell Brand’s doc called From Addiction to Recovery. Hang in there, you’re doing so well. xoxo

  • freedom1025 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 4 days ago

    @lucy my 16 year old son has given me a run for my money. I love him but there are days I don’t like him if you know what I mean. Everyone said girls would be more difficult but my daughters were a breeze compared to him. I just keep reminding myself to do the next right thing by him. To love him with all my heart, but set boundaries and make sure he knows we’re the parents. I know my sweet, lovable boy is in there somewhere … we used to be the best of buddies. I know he’ll come around … I’m already seeing cracks in the teenage armor. God help us all! I don’t have a movie recommendation but I’m reading and loving The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray. Sending you lots of strength. Don’t let the wine witch use teenage troubles to invade your sober territory! Beat her back with a stick.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week, 4 days ago

    It’s just going on 1pm Saturday @lucy. I stayed up late watching a crazy prison related series on netflix. Maybe not the healthiest thing to watch but it’s a great reminder of where drugs and alcohol can land us. I never had a problem with any particular witching hour because I drank whenever my eyes were open and would drink them back shut. I’m having to start looking for work again this week, beginning Monday and an not looking forward to that but I already know that if I were to drink I wouldn’t be able to even pull that off. Riding out the tough parts, be it witching hour or whatever sucks de’ jour is crucial to our success. I am feeling a bit cheated in life at the moment myself but a lot of it has to do with the seemingly never ending booze related issues. It just takes time to move away from the shit we spent ages developing and I can’t ever give up on giving up. (the shit booze that is) You will likely feel better in the morning as we often times do. We can only keep pushing through the rough patches!!xo

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week, 4 days ago

    Hi @lucy. I’m guessing your son is at a transformation point in his life, like we are and it may be best to just try and talk to him a bit later. My parenting skills are limited as I haven’t had my own children but I’ve helped raise a few and the teenage years can be hellacious. I remember my own. Save yourself and liver from the drinking idea, although it is always a solution for making bad things a million times worse. I caved at 4 months last time under loads of stress and I can guarantee you that it doesn’t help. I did add plenty of negative reinforcement. Tough times will pass if we let them but interrupting the process with an undermining depressant has never worked out well for me at all. It sounds like your doing all the right things right now. Eat the chocolate. We are braver than we think! Much love back your way!

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week, 4 days ago

    Hi @Lucy. So very nice to wake and read this. Thank you! I am finding that most decisions come hard these days but am also thinking that it’s better to wallow in and about them, rather than hop on the sudden irrational instant plot. I just read that you are struggling today and can promise you that drinking again is a terrible decision and that has never changed for me. Ride it out. It’s just for today!

    • It’s just going on 1pm Saturday @lucy. I stayed up late watching a crazy prison related series on netflix. Maybe not the healthiest thing to watch but it’s a great reminder of where drugs and alcohol can land us. I never had a problem with any particular witching hour because I drank whenever my eyes were open and would drink them back shut. I’m having to start looking for work again this week, beginning Monday and an not looking forward to that but I already know that if I were to drink I wouldn’t be able to even pull that off. Riding out the tough parts, be it witching hour or whatever sucks de’ jour is crucial to our success. I am feeling a bit cheated in life at the moment myself but a lot of it has to do with the seemingly never ending booze related issues. It just takes time to move away from the shit we spent ages developing and I can’t ever give up on giving up. (the shit booze that is) You will likely feel better in the morning as we often times do. We can only keep pushing through the rough patches!!xo

  • freedom1025 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 4 days ago

    Glad to hear you’re so content @scared even with puppy duty in the middle of the night. @lucy hang in there! Take a shower and get in your PJs if you have to. Think of how fab you’re going to feel in the am. So worth it!

    • Hey @lucy – just checking in and saying hi 👋 I should really be asleep – we watched rugby after our guests left until 1.45am – could not have managed that if wine was on the menu – sending you happy thoughts Xx

    • @freedom1025 nice to hear from you. I hope you’re doing ok? Xoxo

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week, 4 days ago

    Yep @lucy but I need my hands for more valuable things. I also can see where the misery lies. It’s within a booze infused distorted life and we know a thing or 2 about that, don’t we. I was paranoid in the beginning when I’d first begun working for them because I was the only one there who didn’t drink. I thought that maybe it was my imagination but in the end I was right all along. I was the sober weird one, but so be it. I would not have been able to deal with their foulness either way but had I been drinking the throat punch would more likely have come into play.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week, 5 days ago

    Oh can I relate @lucy. Love the “Old Train” comment. I just dealt with incredible rudeness from my 29 year boss. She runs the place for her parents but we know already that the fruit don’t fall far. This one rotted in mid air and I have plenty of names for it but will try to remain polite. Let’s just say it’s not sweet at all. It sounds to me like your doing all the right things.

    • Yep @lucy but I need my hands for more valuable things. I also can see where the misery lies. It’s within a booze infused distorted life and we know a thing or 2 about that, don’t we. I was paranoid in the beginning when I’d first begun working for them because I was the only one there who didn’t drink. I thought that maybe it was my imagination but in the end I was right all along. I was the sober weird one, but so be it. I would not have been able to deal with their foulness either way but had I been drinking the throat punch would more likely have come into play.

    • hahaa

  • Happy2019 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 5 days ago

    Thanx @Lucy!

  • jennah posted a new activity comment 1 week, 5 days ago

    Thank-you @maryb,@happy2019,@laurali & @lucy!! So great to get all this support and encouragement!!

  • Happy2019 posted a new activity comment 1 week, 6 days ago

    Happy birthday @Lucy! I’m really looking forward to my first sober birthday in October – will be the 50th!

  • suzkep posted a new activity comment 1 week, 6 days ago

    @Lucy – that sounds like a long story we would like to hear sometime when you have the time 💫

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