The more days that pass with a clear mind, the more I can step back from being consumed by just trying not to buy/drink alcohol and actually see the truth of my relationship with alcohol. It was never a good one – I started drinking in college for the purpose of getting drunk. I never had a life of moderation with alcohol. Getting drunk every weekend and most week night became the norm all through college and afterwards. I didn’t think much of it because all my friends were also heavy drinkers. Over time I drank less and stopped having black out/forget what happened nights. I mostly drank until I was heavily buzzed on Fridays/Saturdays/Sundays then went to sleep. This continued for years. I only abstained through both my pregnancies, and through my daughters’ infanthood. But once they were older I continued to drink every weekend and some week nights. I was lying to my husband about how much. I would sneak swigs of wine from the fridge at parties. I’m staring at the truth of all this from a sober perspective now and wondering how the hell I thought this was a normal relationship with alcohol. I no longer believe I can ever trust myself to have a good relationship with alcohol (I have said so many times in the past “I’m not gonna drink for awhile” and by Friday I throw my resolve out the window…). So… I think I would rather have no relationship with alcohol then a fearful one of never being able to trust myself with it. <3 Have a great day/night everyone.
Hi @leslielily – your story sounds very much like mine. I only stopped drinking through my pregnancies, lied about how much I was drinking to my husband and have two lovely kiddos. I am a 42 year old woman that has a great job and two pre-teens that are very busy in activities and athletics. I have found that as hard as it is to be a non-drinker in our society, it is so much easier than having to try to moderate when my brain is not a moderation brain. I am an all or nothing kind of person. I used to try to make all kinds of drinking rules for myself and I never followed through on any of them. Now that I don’t drink, I only have to follow one rule – no alcohol. That’s it, just the one rule. There are a lot of tools that I need to use to help me follow that one rule and successfully navigate life, but it all comes down to just one simple rule. If I go to bed at night and have followed that rule, I have had a successful day, no matter what else happened. So glad you are here with us, you can definitely do this. xo
Sounds like me to a tee. I played every game there is to convince myself that I had everything under control. But now I follow the same rule as @newstart100. There’s just the one rule. So much easier than the constant bargaining and rule bending and stupid idiotic “deals” I used to make with myself. It’s not easy – definitely not saying that it is – but it’s the only way that really works for me. Like you @LeslieLily, I don’t do anything half way. I’m all in or not at all. Not at all is the way to go when it comes to alcohol for people like us.
At this moment I am honestly finding myself shocked that I thought what I was doing “wasn’t that bad”. Even when I joined this group on day 1 I thought to myself “do I really even belong here?” Reading through the stories of others…seeing how very closely it related to me… wow. What an eye opener to the depth of the battle I was in to actually be in control and how much I didn’t realize I wasn’t!! And admitting it and facing it feels so much better than hiding it.