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  • Lee@ posted an update 2 weeks ago

    I’ve decided to wait a bit before I make the big plunge as I have been creating my own stress. Imagine that. I’d decided to do in less that a month what would typically take 6, so 6 it is but I’ll be moving steadily towards my goal. It’s best to not leave any unfinished business here and if I were to leave within the next month I would be doing so and that alone reminds me of just how I was before and no longer care to be. Making the right decision is very hard sometimes and this one is very far from my liking but will hopefully pay off later. Until then I’ll keep looking for the diamonds in the rough and try to be one as well.

    • That sounds wise. I am so prone to decide, DO, NOW but at present have been waiting years for things to unfold in my relationship. Just when I thought the big changes were happening, big slow down again. It has actually been great to have my own time and space. Now I wonder how on earth I will adjust to a big change.
      Good luck finding diamonds

      • Lee@ replied 2 weeks ago

        Thanks @morgan. The shiny part is where I learn and grow, although it doesn’t always feel that way. I’m so glad to have you all to help me steer this ship. It’s not sinking anymore but I need help learning to drive it. That “Do now” part will drive us mad if we let it, just did for me. I desperately want the big changes but need to spend a bit more time on it. Seems like the universe itself can slow me down when the time’s not right.

        • It seems your instincts are intact – and you can listen to them. That bodes well for timing, decisions, and learning to drive the ship – that sounds wrong, what does one do with ships – steer I guess? What can that desperate energy go toward as the change direction emerges?

    • @lee@ – life is organic, you can’t plant a tree in every hole. Sometimes, you can just plant a seed. I know that not drinking for 100 days was all that I could stand to do. it was tough for me. I could not even think about putting shit in boxes or mapping a route to take, whether by car, train, plane, or boat. I could wander on foot, from place to place and did a lot of it, that wandering. So, anyway, i was a bit in a fog, a lot of a fog, for months. It actually took me a year to make changes in my life that I am happy with, but I planted the seed early and started working towards something, i did not even know what, just something. Best, @lee-2

      • Lee@ replied 2 weeks ago

        You are absolutely right @kitten. The thought of everything I’d have to endure in just a few weeks suddenly seemed unrealistic, overwhelming and had begun to make me want to get drunk so I HAD to pull back the reins but the seed is planted and the hard works in place but it doesn’t have to consume me. Where did you land on the east coast? There are some very lovely places, I’ve traveled most of it but I want to leave this country for a while at least

    • I think you are wise weird and wonderful @Lee, and I only said weird coz it slotted so nicely into the sentence. I have a fondness for words and how they fit. Your intuition is alive and strong, always listen to it, trust it, it is part of trusting yourself. It is a muscle we can strengthen the more we use it and are aware of it. Decisions are so hard, and don’t I know it!! Go gently with yourself, and allow all of your feelings, excitement, fear, frustration, pride, determination, love for yourself, and whatever you are feeling. This is probably the biggest and most conscious growth you’ve ever experienced. By waiting and taking care of your loose ends, your end result will feel so much more right and grounding. Where do you plan to go? Are you coming to New Zealand? I forgot where you are now? America?
      Love and hugs to you for being a wise and very brave soul xoxo

      • Lee@ replied 2 weeks ago

        Thank you for the very thoughtful, reassuring words @prudence and love and hugs back your way! Congratulations on the new life coming to you, it’s a wonderful thing and will bring you much joy. You may have gotten the word “weird” from one of my prior post as I’d used it in reference as to how I was looked upon at my last job because I didn’t drink. I even heard it said out loud once, when I wasn’t meant to but had just let it go. I won’t join in to be accepted, that’s what got me in trouble in the first place as a teen. It’s also very easy for me to realize where the sickness lies as I was once there myself. Their attitude towards me was a sharp crack of the whip but has left me unscarred, while I know what I am doing is the absolute best for myself by being sober. I’ve been toying with the idea of leaving for many years although lately it’s become much more profound and I’ve have been narrowing down the “why, where and hows”. One of my best mates here is from NZ and I’ve always wanted to go and you lovely people here have sparked my curiosity even further. I’ve done enough research to know that I’d love it there and I plan to stay for a while once I arrive. I just nearly decided to suddenly drop everything here and make a sudden go of it but a few things came into light that I would be running from and they must be dealt with first. I am currently in my birthplace which is New Orleans which is party central of the world and I am just sick of what it offers and have been here most of my life with the exception of 5 years in Berlin Germany and 4 or 5 living in a few of the most beautiful parts of this country so I already know what else is out there, here anyway, and it does not interest me. I want to leave the US and be near the coast and NZ could possibly be a very nice change and would cover both agendas. I went through the immigration process in Germany some years ago therefore have an understanding of how that works and what will have to be done if I decided to stay. Nothing comes easy and I feel like I could use a good challenge in my life along with the change. The challenge right now is to stay put for another 6 months and work harder than ever to make this happen and do things the right way and not let the considered norm here define me or get in the way. It will be tough but I have something major to look forward to. My intuition is very strong, especially being sober, now to work on the rest. The bat shit part that want’s it all now.

    • That sounds like a solid plan @lee-2 just remember wherever you go there you are! 🙂 So wherever we are we still have to do the work in sobriety. I’m excited for you that you are making the plan and doing the things you need to in order to make your dreams come true!

    • Hi @Lucy. So very nice to wake and read this. Thank you! I am finding that most decisions come hard these days but am also thinking that it’s better to wallow in and about them, rather than hop on the sudden irrational instant plot. I just read that you are struggling today and can promise you that drinking again is a terrible decision and that has never changed for me. Ride it out. It’s just for today!

      • It’s just going on 1pm Saturday @lucy. I stayed up late watching a crazy prison related series on netflix. Maybe not the healthiest thing to watch but it’s a great reminder of where drugs and alcohol can land us. I never had a problem with any particular witching hour because I drank whenever my eyes were open and would drink them back shut. I’m having to start looking for work again this week, beginning Monday and an not looking forward to that but I already know that if I were to drink I wouldn’t be able to even pull that off. Riding out the tough parts, be it witching hour or whatever sucks de’ jour is crucial to our success. I am feeling a bit cheated in life at the moment myself but a lot of it has to do with the seemingly never ending booze related issues. It just takes time to move away from the shit we spent ages developing and I can’t ever give up on giving up. (the shit booze that is) You will likely feel better in the morning as we often times do. We can only keep pushing through the rough patches!!xo

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