• Lee@ posted a new activity comment 20 hours, 25 minutes ago

    Love this reply @noodle71

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 21 hours, 3 minutes ago

    Live the Darwin award @ro!

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 21 hours, 13 minutes ago

    Grind through the rough parts, it will all become smoother @peterbarlow. No need to pressure yourself into doing unneccessary things right now. Take it easy and be kind to yourself. I just had to remind my self to do the same.

  • Happy to be checking in as a sober individual today. I haven’t had any significant urges to drink or cravings really but that odd sort of emptiness that we can experience in early sobriety began to creep in today. It really hasn’t been that long since I had the last drink so it’s likely that it has affected me somewhat, even though it was a short lived experience and not much was consumed. It’s not ok for a heroin addict to do just a little heroin on occasion and my addiction to alcohol was/is equally as powerful and destructive, therefore needs to be treated much the same. I took it very easy today and allowed whatever it was to pass, then went to a meeting which was the perfect thing to do at the time, while I was able to reaffirm the purpose of it all and it’s a great relief to find comfort with like minds. There’s also the fact that I really do need all of the help and support that I can get as I’ve repeatedly decided to drink again, knowing that it will only do harm.
    It was fear that enabled me to continue to drink for an extended period of time. I feared what life would be like without it, how would I manage and what on earth would I do? I am way past that point now, the answer is live and I now fear the booze ridden life that I had before.
    I’m beginning to discover just how much of the alcohol problem is based on fear. There’s the unwarranted fear of never having enough of it, while we are still in its wrath and its consuming our lives. The fear of losing what we have or not getting our way is another big one that lingers on, even after having some sober time. Now it’s the fear of life, as it presents itself and in the raw form. I’ve thrown away the crutch while it itself was mangled, faulty and would leave me flat on my ass each time. I think I’m just in a place to where I am realizing that I am not pass anything at all, nor will I ever be. My relationship with alcohol needs to be final and there is maintenance required to keep it at bay. I’ve…[Read more]

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 day, 13 hours ago

    Hang in there @leslielily, a good night sleep typically sets me straight. It’s perfectly normal to have bad days but for some reason we tend to hang on to them as though they were a trophy or a fixed limb. I think some of it has to do with experiencing life in the raw, without the booze buffer and the highs and lows will lessen in time. Your doing great!

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 day, 14 hours ago

    He’d given me a deposit and I gave it back to him the following day @Morgan. That was when I was at my witts end and had decided to sell everything suddenly and leave. He has since found other place and shoulder to cry on. Likely for the best while my patience have been limited although I’m finding my way back to serene.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 day, 15 hours ago

    I couldn’t even make it that far @DaveH. I’ve just woken from a hard 7 hr sleep and am back to feeling grounded. I have a divine chocolate cake that I made on reserve, It served its purpose the night before when I felt like I’d hit a wall.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 day, 23 hours ago

    That should really be “Getting Sober: Course 103”, as it takes time to unravel and to become aware. I also just realized that I am tired because I’ve done a lot today and very well should be. No more whipping my own arse today.

    • Whipping time over – time for self hugs and 🤗

    • Well there you go! Long bath and chocolate time!

      • I couldn’t even make it that far @DaveH. I’ve just woken from a hard 7 hr sleep and am back to feeling grounded. I have a divine chocolate cake that I made on reserve, It served its purpose the night before when I felt like I’d hit a wall.

  • Lee@ posted an update 2 days ago

    I’m juggling quite a few things at the moment and am finding myself a bit strung out and tired. I’d decided to put off renting to someone until I can clear out, sell and get rid of some things. I’ve actually changed my mind about the whole idea a few times but am back to thinking that it just makes sense. A sober woman about my age is interested and that could be ideal. She works for one of the airlines therefore wouldn’t be here all of the time. The toughest part about making changes is to lessen expectations and I often wonder if I’d suffer from the same degree of “high one’s” had I not drank so long and how exactly doe’s someone who is wasted for so long acquire them in the first place? It doesn’t really make sense to be completely unreliable but expect the world. Drinking 101. Irrational Behaviors. Cleaning Up the Mess After the Atomic Mind Bomb.

    • That should really be “Getting Sober: Course 103”, as it takes time to unravel and to become aware. I also just realized that I am tired because I’ve done a lot today and very well should be. No more whipping my own arse today.

      • Whipping time over – time for self hugs and 🤗

      • Well there you go! Long bath and chocolate time!

        • I couldn’t even make it that far @DaveH. I’ve just woken from a hard 7 hr sleep and am back to feeling grounded. I have a divine chocolate cake that I made on reserve, It served its purpose the night before when I felt like I’d hit a wall.

    • What happened to the heart broken Italian? The sober woman who travels sounds perfect!
      Rest up

      • He’d given me a deposit and I gave it back to him the following day @Morgan. That was when I was at my witts end and had decided to sell everything suddenly and leave. He has since found other place and shoulder to cry on. Likely for the best while my patience have been limited although I’m finding my way back to serene.

    • Yeah, kp it simple a few more seasons – it’s an art, so they ‘reckon. Hiya princess-head.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 2 days, 16 hours ago

    That’s always a good feeling @buckeyone. Glad to see you back in action! Jolted sounds a bit harsh but the rest is fabulous! Any day without the junk in our system is a big win. I shall not drink today either because I can’t think of any, not a one, remotely good reason to. Alcohol is banned from my body today!

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 2 days, 23 hours ago

    It’s a fuzzy black and white photo, you can’t see the wrinkles. I also didn’t age to much in my heaviest years of drinking. Recon I was pickled.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 2 days, 23 hours ago

    I’m 53 @sober4real That ain’t exactly young. I think it helps to sell things when you make things look more attractive. Stage them in your photographs. One of the things that I sold today was a bike so that wasn’t very hard. I may have to take a different route with some of the more expensive things. I posted a few antiques and have only gotten scam replies for them so far. Some are really blatant and people still fall for them. People make fake money orders, cashier checks and all sorts. They will clear in your bank at first but then will later be recognized as fraudulent, when it’s to late. I’m not in a rush, just thought I’d have a go at it while I am still unemployed and have time. I have a ton of stuff and am just beginning to simplify now. It will be awhile before I actually leave.

    • @lee-2 you look SO young in your profile pic I’m so sorry I assumed your age. I love taking minimalist approach to things and simplifying too – it just helps to feel more organized as even if we do not try we collect stuff that’s for sure! Definitely be careful – I only deal with local people and cash and if you are nervous meet them in a public place cash only. 🙂 xoxoxox

    • It’s a fuzzy black and white photo, you can’t see the wrinkles. I also didn’t age to much in my heaviest years of drinking. Recon I was pickled.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 3 days ago

    Thanks @morgan. Just a little mind funk creeping in or maybe trying to get out. I have had much worse days.

  • Lee@ posted an update 3 days ago

    Took a bit of a break from my seemingly eternal job searching today and decided to try and sell some things online. Mainly to downsize in preparation for my sole exodus but I can also use the money. I actually had some success as I managed to sell 2 things that I don’t use at all and paid myself 130 dollars without having to leave the house. I could easily call this productive isolation while I simply was not in the mood to go out and be shiny. I’ll have to soon enough. I was surprised to discover how many online scammers there are these days. I was hit up by quite a few of them today but suffered no consequences after having done my research on the topic. It’s best not to use your email or they have a better chance of stealing your identity. I am an alcoholic with some debt. Have at it. haha. Both are doable and can be remedied as long as I don’t drink. I could put that in my next ad as “Note to Scammers”. This city is just beginning to feel very small to me and I am lacking enthusiasm today. Hopefully the chocolate, dark chocolate chip cake I am baking will help. I was just thinking about all of these things that I have and their degree of importance as I was using the mixer to make the cake. Yes, I like having things and I love to cook but it’s not like there aren’t mixers to be found in other places. I’m realizing that I am strangely attached to things and am relating this directly to to my alcoholic way of thinking. I want change so incredibly bad but am also very afraid of it at times. I want to be a rabbit but I care not to hop. The internal vs. external vs. internal battle is real but at least I can recognize it now, for what it is, and it is not being amplified by booze, nor is it constant. To bad I can’t get paid for working on myself. I am a bit drawn to one potential job location, It’s a very nice French restaurant located inside a lovely hotel and I am meeting with them this week, fingers crossed but I know not to get to hopeful to quick. The…[Read more]

    • You are doing a lot @lee-2 – you sound like me so much sometimes when I was younger. Just try not to put that you have to do too much every single day on your shoulders. You are doing so well. I posted some stuff to sell but had no luck! What would I call that? Unproductive hopefulness? LOL. Anyway, you have a lot of insight to yourself and that’s really wonderful growth. Your exodus has got me curious because I do want an exodus but I don’t know that it’s going to work for me at this stage in life. Urgh. 🙂 Keep us updated on your exodus situation!

      • I’m 53 @sober4real That ain’t exactly young. I think it helps to sell things when you make things look more attractive. Stage them in your photographs. One of the things that I sold today was a bike so that wasn’t very hard. I may have to take a different route with some of the more expensive things. I posted a few antiques and have only gotten scam replies for them so far. Some are really blatant and people still fall for them. People make fake money orders, cashier checks and all sorts. They will clear in your bank at first but then will later be recognized as fraudulent, when it’s to late. I’m not in a rush, just thought I’d have a go at it while I am still unemployed and have time. I have a ton of stuff and am just beginning to simplify now. It will be awhile before I actually leave.

        • @lee-2 you look SO young in your profile pic I’m so sorry I assumed your age. I love taking minimalist approach to things and simplifying too – it just helps to feel more organized as even if we do not try we collect stuff that’s for sure! Definitely be careful – I only deal with local people and cash and if you are nervous meet them in a public place cash only. 🙂 xoxoxox

        • It’s a fuzzy black and white photo, you can’t see the wrinkles. I also didn’t age to much in my heaviest years of drinking. Recon I was pickled.

    • Good luck with your job interview. You sound like you are at a real place of growth, and are able to reflect on what you really want in life.

    • Thinking of you @Lee, hope you get that Job.. Some days I don’t want to be shiny either, people think I’m bubbly all the time.. I was when I was still full of booze.. or hiding my pain very well. You take it easy and enjoy your quiet time xx

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 3 days, 2 hours ago

    Your a wonderful soul @prudence. I lost one of my brothers to suicide 7 years ago and the other to drugs 15 years ago. Both tragic, but the suicide was different and I cannot to this day explain it. It hurts in a very deep and questionable way. Great that you have such strength right now and can be there for your friends as they will need it. So sorry to hear this.

    • I hear you @Lee. Lost my lovely funny smart and wise Dad to suicide 32 years ago. Still miss him. So sorry to hear about your brothers. Ouch. So hard to take XX

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 3 days, 21 hours ago

    Exactly @andieT. I dealt with some pretty annoying things today and got by pretty well, considering. Just tired now and glad it’s over.

  • Lee@ posted an update 3 days, 22 hours ago

    One minute life feel calm, in order, and the next it’s like a crazy gorilla. I feel like I am being tested and I’m not sure for what but just the fact that I am sober tells me that I am passing and that everything will be ok.

    • Yep, Lee@, you’re right, everything will be ok. The fact that you are sober means that if there is a test for you, you are in the right place to face it. Kia kaha 🙂

      • Exactly @andieT. I dealt with some pretty annoying things today and got by pretty well, considering. Just tired now and glad it’s over.

    • It will totally be okay- I’m going through that right now as well – because of health reasons and because I’m not accepting some things I need to accept AND because I’m not using my tools and because I’m not focusing on gratitude. Crap! Anyway, at least I know what to do in order to get on track. Do you have a morning and evening recovery routine? I will say that really really helps set my tone for the day. I used to read page 84-87 of the big book in the a.m. and p.m. – I can’t remember- you used to do meetings (I do the program but not meetings all the time however I will sponsor those that need a sponsor as women are so hard to find). I could think of more if you’d like some ideas – I appreciate you reminding me because I’m going to do it again. When I get squirrely it’s because I think I know what is best in every way and because I’m somehow not getting something I want in the time I want it instead of the universe’s time or God’s time. I can be a pain in the ass but I love me anyway. Hahaha! xoxoxoxoxxoxo

    • Everything will be ok, if you are ok. Hold on, the waves will become gentler

      • Lee@ replied 3 days ago

        Thanks @morgan. Just a little mind funk creeping in or maybe trying to get out. I have had much worse days.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 3 days, 23 hours ago

    Terrific reminder of how and why @DaveH.Thank you! You’d recently gotten to 76 days @startingagain, so you know that this can be done. All we can do is aim to do better.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 3 days, 23 hours ago

    Right you are @DaveH. I’d sent out my resume to numerous places last week and now I am just now beginning to get some response. I really didn’t care for what I experienced today, I’d much rather wear the tie.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 4 days, 6 hours ago

    @kitten. I went in for what I was told would be training but today they said it was an audition and that they were doing the same with a few others this week and I’ll find out later if I actually have the job. Not sure if I even want it now. Who auditions to sell food? Especially sandwiches and eggs.

    • DaveH replied 4 days ago

      And there it is… boom!.. the unpredictability of the world and why visualizing the achievement of an objective is so pointless and mis-directing.

    • Right you are @DaveH. I’d sent out my resume to numerous places last week and now I am just now beginning to get some response. I really didn’t care for what I experienced today, I’d much rather wear the tie.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 4 days, 15 hours ago

    I’ve spent a lot of time, it seems, trying to stop the mental time traveling thing but it can still get the best (worse really) of me whenever there is significant change involved. In the end it has a lot to do with open mindedness, which I am spectacular at looking out but looking in needs some work @DaveH. I won’t be ironing shirts and wearing a tie for a while and that will be nice I suppose. It’s money either way and that’s how I need to look at it. The job itself remains the same, it’s just in a different atmosphere and with different people. My boss looks/seems extremely healthy which is the complete opposite of the last. Almost everything is the opposite of the last, now that I think about it. I am the only element that is the same, walking into it, and this is what I need to watch.
    I’ve just recently put a few antique pieces of furniture on the online market just to see how it goes and so far I’ve gotten 2 offers from criminals who’d like to send me bad checks via mail. Apparently this is a big scam these days. I’m doing some research and not in a rush but will slowly begin to get rid of things that I don’t really need right now.

  • Lee@ posted an update 4 days, 23 hours ago

    Starting a new job tomorrow, one that I was hired on the spot for today. It’s a bit different from what I have grown accustomed to, the more high end expensive places. It’s more of a neighborhood Cafe, in a pretty part of town and near a park that I often walk in. The owner seems very nice but I need not judge at all as I am often wrong. I’ve had bad things turn great and good things go sour. The self indulging ability to predict things is just another one of my finely tuned alcoholic traits that I have inherited, through years of drinking, and it needs to be smashed. It can be just as much of a boulder lain upon me as alcohol was. I had an extreme amount of practice running away from or at things when I was drunk all of the time and “at” is sufficient because i wasn’t capable of towards much at all. Goals meant meeting deadlines and so on. I’m learning how to give life a little more space, time and distance and to stop all of the hurry. It’s a tough thing to master at times but it feels great when it’s actually happening.

    • Good luck with the job, exciting times!! 😀 x

    • Yep good luck with the new mahi. I too am learning how to give life more space… etc…. though had epic fail at this in last week, slow learner that I am . I like the way you put it. It’s a good reminder.

    • Hope the job goes well, you never know owner might be just as nice as you sense. I hope so!

    • Wow you sound in such a good place. I’m really happy for you. Your language and vocab has changed so much over the past months. It’s beautiful to watch.

    • Hi @lee-2 What a great result finding something new so quickly. Now you can get on with doing what enables you to go on your big explore.

      You talk about predicting the future and goals and this reminded me of a discipline I learned that really helps me. I still use this completely routinely to this day and it is to do with the past and the future.

      My mind is an avid time traveller, but usually a discouraging one. If I dwell on the past then my mind goes to unsatisfactory experiences and resentments. These are better left alone… I’ve done all the thinking I need to on these, and I have done what’s necessary to put them to rest, but unguarded my mind will still wander there. For these times I have “It’s OK to look at the past, but don’t stare”. I have a short mental list of things in particular I will not allow myself to dwell on. These are my “favourite” resentments and they do nothing but bring me down if I let myself linger on them… so I don’t. They are done, unchangeable and in the past. I’ve done what can be done to make things right and they are accepted as unchangeable. But occasionally they still pop back in. If I catch myself thinking on any of them then I deliberately do something to shift my line of thought elsewhere.

      The other thing is the future. My problems with the future are twofold: I am absolutely atrocious at actually predicting it and I always imagine events in the future too big. These actually cause me quite a bit of trouble if I don’t actively manage them. If I let me mind roam freely in the future then things are either very dark or incredibly successful… there is never any “ordinary” or middle ground. When I first stopped drinking I quite literally held myself only in the day, I wouldn’t allow myself into the past or the future at all, but as my sobriety gained resilience I adopted a different strategy. When i saw a dark future I’d remind myself how poorly I could predict the future, and that I could only control a very l…[Read more]

      • I’ve spent a lot of time, it seems, trying to stop the mental time traveling thing but it can still get the best (worse really) of me whenever there is significant change involved. In the end it has a lot to do with open mindedness, which I am spectacular at looking out but looking in needs some work @DaveH. I won’t be ironing shirts and wearing a tie for a while and that will be nice I suppose. It’s money either way and that’s how I need to look at it. The job itself remains the same, it’s just in a different atmosphere and with different people. My boss looks/seems extremely healthy which is the complete opposite of the last. Almost everything is the opposite of the last, now that I think about it. I am the only element that is the same, walking into it, and this is what I need to watch.
        I’ve just recently put a few antique pieces of furniture on the online market just to see how it goes and so far I’ve gotten 2 offers from criminals who’d like to send me bad checks via mail. Apparently this is a big scam these days. I’m doing some research and not in a rush but will slowly begin to get rid of things that I don’t really need right now.

    • sounds fun, @lee-2, the job, a neighborhood cafe. keep on.

      • @kitten. I went in for what I was told would be training but today they said it was an audition and that they were doing the same with a few others this week and I’ll find out later if I actually have the job. Not sure if I even want it now. Who auditions to sell food? Especially sandwiches and eggs.

        • DaveH replied 4 days ago

          And there it is… boom!.. the unpredictability of the world and why visualizing the achievement of an objective is so pointless and mis-directing.

        • Right you are @DaveH. I’d sent out my resume to numerous places last week and now I am just now beginning to get some response. I really didn’t care for what I experienced today, I’d much rather wear the tie.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 5 days, 6 hours ago

    I wish you much luck being a “blue moon nirmie”. More power to you if you can. I’ve gotten away with a few short slips but know that I can’t anticipate more or I am bound to sink again and it’s no fun playing with fire anymore when your in hell.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 5 days, 6 hours ago

    Fill us in on that book please @Lucy. I’ve heard good things about it. It’s time for me to get a few new ones as well.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 5 days, 6 hours ago

    “The spirit made me do it” What a hoax!

    • Haha @Lee!!!!
      Imagine trashed people slurring..”the spirit got me and I can’t let go!”
      Haha. VUT I must admit it is kinda creepy in good way for me to think of booze as letting in bad spirits!! BOO!!!!!!!

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 5 days, 7 hours ago

    Agreed @Ro! 100%

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 5 days, 17 hours ago

    Hi @DaveH I’d thought the same, there must be something wrong and I’d asked. She said that everything was ok and she just wanted to see me. I’ll find out soon enough I suppose. We’ve only communicated through text messaging thus far. My messages here are disappearing. Your last one did just now as well. I haven’t been editing anything, not sure what’s happening. I just finished watching a series that was made from Margaret Atwood’s dystopian novel “The Handmaid’s Tale” It’s speculative fiction but distressing either way while some of the subjects already exist. More the reason to keep my passport up to date and under my pillow. Joking about the pillow part but who knows what will happen here in time. Not for me to decide apparently.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 5 days, 20 hours ago

    Thanks @sober4real. I’m very aware of what you are saying and fortunately don’t have any of those types to make.

  • Lee@ posted an update 6 days, 1 hour ago

    It feels really good to be sober today and somewhat grounded. I’ve stopped trying to play James Bond on a budget and am also beginning to balance out some important recovery related issues. Relieving some of the baggage, as one might say. I’ve started to recognize the importance of all people in relation to this journey and am in the process of making some amends where necessary. This is not something that I could do straight away as it is not for the weak. I also seriously lacked the courage before while most of it was needed just for day to day affairs. Now I have a bit more both courage and strength and am utilizing it where my heart is telling me to. I am going one person at a time, with the amends, and feel fortunate that there aren’t to many because it’s draining and very difficult work. The rewards in doing some of it already are incredible, while my heart feels a bit lighter, freer, and it’s moving me further away from a drink, as I never want to have to repeat this process again. I feel lucky that my last drinking bouts were very short attempts of relief and did not lead to self sabotage. I say luck, but this could very well mean that I am finally getting to the point to where that, still somewhat sick, part of my brain is beginning to realize that drinking was never an answer. It’s been forward motion with a few steps back here and there but I am generally happy to be alive and to be where I am with my life and with recovery. I can’t have one without the other.

    • Nice post
      Your heart feels lighter and free. I love that
      We’ll done I’m working through the 12 steps and am up to step 6. So my amends are coming up to make. I’m pleased to hear how it has made you feel.

    • Connection (or the lack of) can be at the root of why we drank so much…so important to make, repair and keep connections in sobriety. Well done xx

    • So wonderful @lee-2 you just keep growing and growing! xoxoxox

    • Hi @lee-2 It is interesting that you’ve recognised that with respect to some of the amends you need to make that “This is not something that I could do straight away”.

      Making amends for wrongs we have done to others is an explicit part of the AA program, but most institutional recovery programs will include this too. The whole purpose of “amends” is to gain relief from our past. In the AA programme this is done in two stages. Steps 4 and 5 relieve us from the burden of holding secrets and steps 8 and 9 free us from the pain of having done things in the past that have hurt other people. The amends steps give us relief from our past by bringing closure to the issues that haunt us.

      We need relief from our past because of the way our minds handle unresolved information. Our brain requires that information is orderly, and settled. What it rejects is information that is contradictory or poorly supported. Our brain particularly rejects circumstances that have unwanted outcomes that are still outstanding. What our mind does with these things is that it keeps bringing them back for us to think on to attempt to find resolution; this is why we are haunted by them…. our minds automatically keep bringing them back.

      The way to resolve these issues is to bring them, one by one, to a position of certainty… is there something that can be done to rectify them? or is there nothing to be done? Either of these is closure, and it is uncertainty that keeps the issue being brought back to mind. We get relief from ending that uncertainty and the relief we get is permanent.

      Making an amends to someone is desperately difficult. It requires us to declare, without reservation, complete accountability for OUR actions and the consequences of them, and it can take time to be able to fully do this. Until we are able to do so then we are not presenting ourselves honestly. It is extremely difficult to stand in front od someone and identify precisely how we wronged them, acknowledge…[Read more]

      • Hi @DaveH I’d thought the same, there must be something wrong and I’d asked. She said that everything was ok and she just wanted to see me. I’ll find out soon enough I suppose. We’ve only communicated through text messaging thus far. My messages here are disappearing. Your last one did just now as well. I haven’t been editing anything, not sure what’s happening. I just finished watching a series that was made from Margaret Atwood’s dystopian novel “The Handmaid’s Tale” It’s speculative fiction but distressing either way while some of the subjects already exist. More the reason to keep my passport up to date and under my pillow. Joking about the pillow part but who knows what will happen here in time. Not for me to decide apparently.

    • How lovely. You do sound grounded, well done. I love the comment “play James Bond on a budget” but I’ve never heard it before and don’t know what it means…I’m assuming it’s not about you really playing a James Bond game? I’m just curious…it sounds like a great metaphor??? Can you enlighten me? (Although, now I’ll feel silly if you do mean it literally Ha!)

      • I also think it is REALLY important to remember that if you are making amends and it is going to truly hurt someone you may need to rethink doing so. Make amends wherever possible EXCEPT when to do so would injure them or others. That’s why I think it’s good to wait until you get really grounded in your foundation. 🙂

  • Lee@ posted an update 6 days, 7 hours ago

    I’ve managed to accidentally delete my entire post. Slippy fingers gone astray but at least they’re not reaching for the booze. That’s all it was about anyway. Losing the boozing and how beautifully life begins to take shape when it’s gone.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 6 days, 11 hours ago

    Hi @craftygirl. I just reread your post from 2 days ago, at day 55 and you were concerned about your husbands thoughts and making amends. That’s all to much for now, these things will happen almost naturally in time and when we are ready. Focus on yourself right now. It’s nearly impossible to forgive others or expect forgiveness when we have not yet forgiven ourselves. This comes in time as well and involves finding and loving ourselves first. Stop beating yourself up over drinking and just aim not to do it anymore. Be kind to you! You’ll feel better soon. Even just 2 drinks, I’ve found, is enough to cause a bit of head rot (negative thinking) and a mild case of the shits. (In general, take this as you’d like). Keep moving forward!!xo

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 6 days, 12 hours ago

    @prudence, I deleted that by accident trying to respond. I agree with the empowerment part but I’m not so sure about the rest. I think it would take more of an effort on my part and I’m not so willing to do that right now, although I was thinking about the “what if’s” last night during my evening walk. What if I hadn’t of fucked everything up, where would it all be now (this made me sad) and what would it be like to see him on the outside of work if even possible. He’s such a funny and witty guy but with a big heart and sober. Right before the shit hit, I’d brought him some take out during a break when we were both working a double and everyone in the building was wondering why he was beaming and so happy. I’d probably have to beg the owner and the GM for the job back if I really wanted to spend time with him and that may not work. He also has an 8 yr old son that keeps him busy, besides the high demands of the job.. He has my number and it was left with me saying “call me” and him saying “You know where to find me” I guess it will be one of those “if it’s meant to be things” I did do all that I set out to, which was clear my conscious but I must admit that he’s on my mind. I’ve been doing a little mental house cleaning with my ex as well, an addictive personality that I was with for 8 years. It was a horrific mess when it ended and I’d left him with everything, house and all. I’ve owned up to my part in it but this has taken nearly 9 years now, it’s been a very slow process but there was a lot of damage done from both ends. We will never get back together, I don’t want that but a trusting friendship would be nice. He is coming by this weekend to pick up a self portrait that I’d painted years ago and is going to help me out a bit financially since I’m not working right now. I’ve spoken to him honestly a few times recently about just where I am with everything now and have apologised for him having been affected by what was the worst time in my life and…[Read more]

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 6 days, 14 hours ago

    Sounds lovely @morgan! I will get there soon enough! Speaking of, I am now receiving emails from the Immigration Department in NZ as I’d researched visas. One included what the cost of living is like there and alcohol was included in one of the categories under “Food and Alcohol”. It made me laugh, although it’s not really funny I suppose, as it’s thought of as a necessity. I’m sure it’s the same here just never had to look.

    • The cost of living is very high, did it say that?
      I like the way you are getting onto this!!!😊😊😊

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 6 days, 15 hours ago

    @mmskinny is right @JJR. Make a plan and stick to it. Take a few days off if you can and allow yourself some healing time. I go to meetings. Not for everyone but it helps me immensely to have human contact with like minds and to clearly see that sobriety is possible. I get that here as well. Make being sober your top priority. I had to as I just couldn’t go on living drunk anymore, I simply couldn’t function. Momentum has to start somewhere, you can make it today and just stay focused on it.

    • Live with the low feelings, they don’t matter in the long run, horrible at the time but they are only feelings and they cannot touch your soul. Tomorrow they may not be there. Just. Don’t. Drink. Now. I wasn’t even able to think of an hour ahead some evenings I just promised myself no alcohol for the next 10 minutes. Our bodies take a while to clear toxins from drugs allow yours time and love it for what it is doing. 😺

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 6 days, 16 hours ago

    Don’t listen to that voice @Michael6. One thing that I’ve done in the past, that was extremely helpful, was to write a short biography about my drinking life, which was more than half of it and it allowed me to really see how destructive drinking was for me. It will kill off that voice, at least for a while, and is something that you can refer to later. Drinking has never changed for me either, it’s always shit and very much of the same but we get better at dodging it or giving it less power the more sober time we get. It doesn’t even have to be consecutive sober days as long as they add up to something, you will begin to grow and experience change. My last slips were just that, a quick wtf was that and then right back on track, whereas they used to be for weeks, months or until the wheels completely fell off again. You already have a great self awareness as you are able to recognize cross addictions. I’m learning that these should be addressed as well but maybe in time, if they aren’t to bad or unhealthy. I’ve recently discovered that mine is with people. Weird ay? They just don’t do as I would like them to. Acceptance is key for all of it. I had to except the fact that I was addicted to alcohol and that it was ruining my life before I could really do anything about it and the same goes for the rest. 2 weeks is fantastic! keep going..

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    I adore you @prudence! Your first sentence had me crying laughing! The rest is just so incredibly real! I am changing. It seems like it’s taken a shit ton of time but I can really feel it happening now. Your so right about trusting one’s self. Everything you said here holds nothing but truth! I still smoke but will give it up in time. Need to now but can only take so much at a time. There was a bit of a crush thing going on between he and I before my drunken shit show. I was pretty sure that I’d demolished any chance of that metamorphosing into anything now, but who knows. Not what I was looking for by apologizing at all. I’m just glad that we are ok.

    • Rocking it @Lee he’ll be eating outa your hand by the end of the week……and all on your terms of course. There is empowerment in sobriety. We know what we want and we aren’t afraid to voice it. Xxx

    • @prudence, I deleted that by accident trying to respond. I agree with the empowerment part but I’m not so sure about the rest. I think it would take more of an effort on my part and I’m not so willing to do that right now, although I was thinking about the “what if’s” last night during my evening walk. What if I hadn’t of fucked everything up, where would it all be now (this made me sad) and what would it be like to see him on the outside of work if even possible. He’s such a funny and witty guy but with a big heart and sober. Right before the shit hit, I’d brought him some take out during a break when we were both working a double and everyone in the building was wondering why he was beaming and so happy. I’d probably have to beg the owner and the GM for the job back if I really wanted to spend time with him and that may not work. He also has an 8 yr old son that keeps him busy, besides the high demands of the job.. He has my number and it was left with me saying “call me” and him saying “You know where to find me” I guess it will be one of those “if it’s meant to be things” I did do all that I set out to, which was clear my conscious but I must admit that he’s on my mind. I’ve been doing a little mental house cleaning with my ex as well, an addictive personality that I was with for 8 years. It was a horrific mess when it ended and I’d left him with everything, house and all. I’ve owned up to my part in it but this has taken nearly 9 years now, it’s been a very slow process but there was a lot of damage done from both ends. We will never get back together, I don’t want that but a trusting friendship would be nice. He is coming by this weekend to pick up a self portrait that I’d painted years ago and is going to help me out a bit financially since I’m not working right now. I’ve spoken to him honestly a few times recently about just where I am with everything now and have apologised for him having been affected by what was the worst time in my life and…[Read more]

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    I’m so glad that I did this @juliana, It was almost as though I didn’t have much choice, as it had become huge on my conscious and was bringing me to tears. I was driven to the task. I have no doubt that I’ll get further ahead on my sober mission. I’ve become fascinated by my own growth and even the really hard times are worth it all. I am sooooo much better off already. I’ve begun to reestablish some trust with my ex as well. Very complicated one there. We will never get back together but a trusting friendship would be nice if possible. Everything in time..

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    I may have thrown up from it twice in my life @morgan, which is pretty amazing considering how much I drank. @mayfly and @liberty I think that last night was the absolute first time I’ve even been so honest and humble in a face to face situation and eye to eye. It was an extremely moving situation and I could see his soul dancing through his eyes. The harm I’d done mattered, he wouldn’t admit it but I could see it in his eyes but I also got to watch them change as I was speaking, I was able to reverse all damage done, at least to him and got a big hug before I left too which was nice. I didn’t feel better at once, it took time for it to set in but when I woke up this morning I really noticed the change. I never want to create situations as such again, therefore must do my best to never drink again. What a concept!

  • Lee@ posted an update 1 week ago

    I made a much needed amends last night and it feels like it was the best thing that I’ve done for myself and another deserving human being in ages or maybe ever, as I am learning that such things are in order as we learn and grow. He was one of my managers at a high end and crazy busy establishment, where out of 200 people there only 3 of us were sober and he was one having 3 years at the the time. We’d become friends during my 8 months employed there and he had my back, even stood up for me when I’d threatened to quit. The job was a grinding one and not very fair but he made it easier and we’d often have great laughs during the most ridiculous and difficult times. I’d begun drinking again towards the end, at the end of my wits and lost a job, a friend and a hard earned promotion. He’d made a few mistakes but nothing unfixable and definitely not on purpose. I got drunk on the job and lashed out at him horribly, to the point where he had no choice but to let me go. I kept on drinking and blamed him for everything and did not hesitate to let him know through my irrational text and calls until he eventually cut me off. I was mortified over all of it when I came to and had stopped poisoning myself a few weeks later. I was too sick to do anything about it and couldn’t contact him anyway but I finally did so 6 months later after leaving another job where , because I was sober, I had no respect at all. I went back to my old job when I knew that he’d be there and would possibly have a moment to talk but I really didn’t know what to expect. He listened to every word with eyes hanging onto mine, as I humbly apologized and admitted where I was wrong. I spilled my guts and he understood, as most who have experienced the wrath of alcohol would. I feel better but I never want to have to go through that again. What alcohol does to me is sinister and what I become capable of doing to others is equally as bad, if not worse. I could tell this man how it changed me and he…[Read more]

    • That was brave and honorable of you to apologize to your co worker. Keep going. In my experience the desire to drink diminished greatly the longer I stayed sober. After a little over 2 years, I don’t think about it at all. That feels miraculous to me. You can get there.

      • Lee@ replied 1 week ago

        I’m so glad that I did this @juliana, It was almost as though I didn’t have much choice, as it had become huge on my conscious and was bringing me to tears. I was driven to the task. I have no doubt that I’ll get further ahead on my sober mission. I’ve become fascinated by my own growth and even the really hard times are worth it all. I am sooooo much better off already. I’ve begun to reestablish some trust with my ex as well. Very complicated one there. We will never get back together but a trusting friendship would be nice if possible. Everything in time..

    • I was wondering how it went. It sounds like a healing experience – probably for both of you.

    • Great work. it is a huge thing to face the past and make amends, and I think it frees up a lot of blocked energy for many people. I can only imagine how hard it is to have alcohol effects like that – (fortunately, like my family, I was 95% mellowed by it and stopped from having too much by throwing up – very poisonous to me – but did I stop??? crazy addictive sh#t for sure.)

      • Lee@ replied 1 week ago

        I may have thrown up from it twice in my life @morgan, which is pretty amazing considering how much I drank. @mayfly and @liberty I think that last night was the absolute first time I’ve even been so honest and humble in a face to face situation and eye to eye. It was an extremely moving situation and I could see his soul dancing through his eyes. The harm I’d done mattered, he wouldn’t admit it but I could see it in his eyes but I also got to watch them change as I was speaking, I was able to reverse all damage done, at least to him and got a big hug before I left too which was nice. I didn’t feel better at once, it took time for it to set in but when I woke up this morning I really noticed the change. I never want to create situations as such again, therefore must do my best to never drink again. What a concept!

    • Oh my, that’s brave and how releasing I imagine it felt, to step through that doorway.

    • Thanks for sharing this inspiring story.

      • You are stepping right into who you are Lee. Dealing with all that shit in an authentic way allows who you are becoming to shine through. And speaking words of wisdom, let it be……xxx

    • Lee@ replied 1 week ago

      I adore you @prudence! Your first sentence had me crying laughing! The rest is just so incredibly real! I am changing. It seems like it’s taken a shit ton of time but I can really feel it happening now. Your so right about trusting one’s self. Everything you said here holds nothing but truth! I still smoke but will give it up in time. Need to now but can only take so much at a time. There was a bit of a crush thing going on between he and I before my drunken shit show. I was pretty sure that I’d demolished any chance of that metamorphosing into anything now, but who knows. Not what I was looking for by apologizing at all. I’m just glad that we are ok.

      • Rocking it @Lee he’ll be eating outa your hand by the end of the week……and all on your terms of course. There is empowerment in sobriety. We know what we want and we aren’t afraid to voice it. Xxx

      • @prudence, I deleted that by accident trying to respond. I agree with the empowerment part but I’m not so sure about the rest. I think it would take more of an effort on my part and I’m not so willing to do that right now, although I was thinking about the “what if’s” last night during my evening walk. What if I hadn’t of fucked everything up, where would it all be now (this made me sad) and what would it be like to see him on the outside of work if even possible. He’s such a funny and witty guy but with a big heart and sober. Right before the shit hit, I’d brought him some take out during a break when we were both working a double and everyone in the building was wondering why he was beaming and so happy. I’d probably have to beg the owner and the GM for the job back if I really wanted to spend time with him and that may not work. He also has an 8 yr old son that keeps him busy, besides the high demands of the job.. He has my number and it was left with me saying “call me” and him saying “You know where to find me” I guess it will be one of those “if it’s meant to be things” I did do all that I set out to, which was clear my conscious but I must admit that he’s on my mind. I’ve been doing a little mental house cleaning with my ex as well, an addictive personality that I was with for 8 years. It was a horrific mess when it ended and I’d left him with everything, house and all. I’ve owned up to my part in it but this has taken nearly 9 years now, it’s been a very slow process but there was a lot of damage done from both ends. We will never get back together, I don’t want that but a trusting friendship would be nice. He is coming by this weekend to pick up a self portrait that I’d painted years ago and is going to help me out a bit financially since I’m not working right now. I’ve spoken to him honestly a few times recently about just where I am with everything now and have apologised for him having been affected by what was the worst time in my life and…[Read more]

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week ago

    I am so sorry to hear this @wakingowl, it’s one of the most difficult things that we go through in life but as you said, she is at peace and it sounds like you are as well but I know how bad it hurts. My heart goes out to you. Much love your way. xo

    • Thank you Lee@ I am okay, I help people die for a living and I know this was the best way for things to end. I have seen thousands of long slow declines and wish that on not even my worst enemies.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Thank you @mayfly. I’ll need it in a moment. Going to make an amends to boss (manager) that I worked for last year. He was one of 3 sober people there, including me, out of a few hundred. He really had my back at work and a sound relationship was blossoming but I began to drink again and blew everything to pieces, including the job. I don’t want the job back but he has really been on my mind since my last one, where I was treated like shit for being the only sober person out of 10. I just feel like he needs to know that I am sorry, that his kindness will not be forgotten and it meant and means so much.

  • Lee@ posted an update 1 week, 1 day ago

    After a month of uncertainties and questionable life trials, I am once again feeling grounded. It felt like the planet had been yanked out from under me for a short while but I’ve managed to refind my footing upon it. It’s crazy how I can begin to lose faith in this recovery process when times get really hard, while it’s the one thing that has already greatly improved my entire being. I momentarily lost it last week and went for a bottle. I drank some and threw the rest away but it’s been rattling my brain for the last week and I couldn’t decide how to treat this but I’ve come to some terms. It doesn’t matter how much or how little I drank or for how long anymore, what matters is that I am still reaching for the shit as a non solution and it’s got to stop completely, therefore I’ve reset my counter and am at day 6. Subtracting a day may work well for some people but I know myself to well and I cannot allow any slack in this matter. I’d also stopped doing some of the things that were working very well for me in the past which basically meant, throwing away some tools but I’ve picked them back up and am moving forward. The greatest thing is that I am not ashamed at all this time. I am growing and getting better at life in general. Just knowing this brings me great relief today as I have come very far.

    • You sound good, Lee. We keep fighting the fight. It’s a process, a learning process too. Happy to see you say you’re feeling grounded.

    • And you have come far @Lee, just keep doing what works for you because this is so tough,, honestly I could drink, the thing keeping me going is this site and you wonderful people, who really understand and support.. I’m proud of you lovely lady. x

    • Fight the good fight Lee. You do what you need to do. I restart too and figure one day I’ll just keep rolling. It’s yourself you need to answer to, not us. We support you no matter. 😌

    • That really is the greatest thing @lee-2. I found once I could really see that I was going through a process, and trust a little that if I did certain things I would get to where I wanted to with stopping – I did. It’s a funny balancing act but was part of learning to support myself like a good parent, with rules and structure and compassion, rather than punish myself.

    • So much amazing stuff in this post – ‘threw the rest away; can’t allow any slack; reaching for the shit – a non solution’ – and more! Love it. Smiling, hoping my feet are firmly on the planet too. I will keep that in mind today, feet firm

    • I am moved by your courage and accountability.

      • Thank you @mayfly. I’ll need it in a moment. Going to make an amends to boss (manager) that I worked for last year. He was one of 3 sober people there, including me, out of a few hundred. He really had my back at work and a sound relationship was blossoming but I began to drink again and blew everything to pieces, including the job. I don’t want the job back but he has really been on my mind since my last one, where I was treated like shit for being the only sober person out of 10. I just feel like he needs to know that I am sorry, that his kindness will not be forgotten and it meant and means so much.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    Hi @craftygirl. A lot of the guilt lies from drinking and not being there, or reliable for most people during that time, at least for me, but there’s no way to make it all up at once if even at all. Although, we can make it much better just by being our best selves today and everyday that we are sober. I’ve also had the work related challenges and some extremely difficult days within the last month and ironically left off about where you are in AA, with steps 8 and 9, making amends. I’m learning that I must first make the amends to myself, treat myself kindly and to take time out for self care, otherwise I am still no good to anyone while the sole means is being deprived. Fresh air and exercise help me immensely. It’s been hot as hell here too but I try to get out either early or late in the day for a brisk long walk. I always feel so much better after. Congrats on day 51! Keep going!

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week, 1 day ago

    This is my kind of hallmark @missbennet! Tell it!

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week, 2 days ago

    That kudzu is no joke @max-Alabama. It will take over pretty quickly here and I live in the city, in your neighboring state. I love the analogy of it in reference to drinking. That shit is so very hard to get rid of, just like booze, which you can’t really get rid of it entirely anyway but you can keep it at bay and not consume it. No one eats kudzu though, although who knows. Great song and southern charm. I stumbled upon this site over a year ago and it has been incredibly helpful. Congrats on day 3! I am not much further ahead of you. I got to 128 days or around there before the bell fell this last time.

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week, 2 days ago

    It sounds like your making some hard but wise decisions @jesss. I drank again not to long ago as well but am just looking at it as a fresh start along a fresh start, sort of how waves topple over one another. I exited a very unhealthy relationship some years ago that I’d remained in far to long because of what I’d thought was convenient but looking back, I was only holding myself hostage. Tough times without the drinking are just that but everything does and will change in time without us polluting ourselves. Great to see you doing so much better! xo

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week, 2 days ago

    @kirst I am so sorry. I had 2 boxers and twenty beautiful years with them between the lifespan of the 2. They were my children and I am still heartbroken over the lost at times. Glad to hear you didn’t drink at least. Hugs to you!

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week, 3 days ago

    Happy birthday @mrschurchhill and congrats on 5 weeks!!

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week, 3 days ago

    @clearrainbow another thing I’ve learned that’s very important, is that you don’t have to listen to everyone’s advice, which some people are clearly to willing to give when it’s not even asked for. They say “Take what you need and leave the rest”, and that’s exactly what I do. It’s wise to not let things steer you away from something that is working for you. I have in the past and that has also lead to drinking again on numerous occasions. My mind is always looking for a reason to drink, still, and that’s just more of a good reason for me to continue to go. Hope this helps!

  • Lee@ posted a new activity comment 1 week, 3 days ago

    @ClearRainbow My best friend in AA is a gay man who has also helped me work the steps. I am not one of those bubbly, get on with everyone type people and likely have trust issues as well. Besides him there’s a small handful of people I’ll spill my guts to when neccessary or do things with outside of the rooms. I’m no stranger to most there as I’ve been attending meetings on and off for 15 years. I wouldn’t worry so much about it, you will find your tribe. I haven’t been going since I relapsed last month but plan on starting again tomorrow. It does make a big difference when I go. Nice to be around sober people in a sea of drunks. I am in New Orleans

    • @clearrainbow another thing I’ve learned that’s very important, is that you don’t have to listen to everyone’s advice, which some people are clearly to willing to give when it’s not even asked for. They say “Take what you need and leave the rest”, and that’s exactly what I do. It’s wise to not let things steer you away from something that is working for you. I have in the past and that has also lead to drinking again on numerous occasions. My mind is always looking for a reason to drink, still, and that’s just more of a good reason for me to continue to go. Hope this helps!

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