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  • kissingmyrainbow posted an update 4 months ago

    Hi everyone, I blew it, thought I could have a glass of wine but for the next 4 days I had a bottle every night and was hungover at my work. I can’t believe I did that again. The feelings of shame and hopelessness are all back. I just feel worthless. I was doing so good as well. I was 2 months in to being sober and life was good. I don’t understand why I keep on screwing it all up. What the hell is wrong with me. I just can’t touch it again. More broken promises more heartache. Feeling so depressed today. I am not touching that stuff today.

    • Hi @kissingmyrainbow I know it feels awful at the moment, but do you realise that relapse is the norm, not the exception?

      Stopping drinking is difficult, very difficult, and just like other difficult things it takes time to master. We become proficient at doing things with practice, and we advance the most on the back of mistakes; this is how we learn. My first failures at stopping drinking were failures to limit the amount I drank. The intention was to “just have a couple”; but that’s not how it ended. Following those there were attempts to stop for a while, but these would collapse within a few days (or sometimes hours). When I finally started to recognise the severity of my condition then there were more serious attempts at stopping; all ending at a bottle. All of these were relapses; occasions where my intention to not drink was not met. But each of these taught me something about how to succeed. Recovery is not a smooth linear process but a progression of learning steps that build on each other, and some of these learning steps are relapses of one sort or another.

      Relapse does not put you back at the beginning. All the things you’ve learned so far are still learned… and now you’ve learned something more. You didn’t want to learn this lesson this way, but that’s how it goes. For some reason this is a particular piece of knowledge that most of us can’t take other people’s word for… we have to learn it first-hand. You have done that and now you know. You know that after 2 months you are no more able to control your drinking than you were on day -1.

      Stopping drinking for a while doesn’t make us able to control our drinking. This is what you have learned, and you now know this beyond all doubt. This puts you in better shape for this next effort as you won’t be wondering any more if you’re able to have “just a couple”… you can’t and you know it. You will dismiss it without further consideration when it pops up next time. It won’t nag at you corroding your resolve.

      Relapse feels like shit, it really does, but your ability to stop drinking has been advanced by this experience. Yes, your “sobriety” count is back at the start, but sobriety and recovery are different things. Your count of continuous abstinent days is set back but your recovery isn’t. Your recovery is advanced by it… you will do better this time because of the experience.

      It’s time to get back on the horse. It’s only your pride that’s hurt and that won’t kill you… but drinking again might.

      You can do this. You are only bruised, not broken, and you’re not going to fall at this fence next time.

      “The only real mistake if the one from which we learn nothing” (Henry Ford).

    • Hi kissinhmyrainbow .please don’t be too hard on yourself.you say you are not touching the stuff today .that’s a very good start.you are certainly not worthless.just by sharing your thoughts and feelings are of benefit to a lot of other people who struggle with alcohol myself included .best wishes

    • We’ve all been in one version of that shitty place of another, lots of sympathy for how you’re feeling kissingmyrainbow

      Do you know that most people try lots of times before they get alcohol free?

      So you just ticked off another try. On to the next try 😊👍🏼❤️

    • Don’t beat yourself up, you went two whole months without a drink… that is amazing in itself. You can do this and you have us all on here for support. Today is a new day xx

    • I hear ya @kissingmyrainbow. i was there a week ago. @davehs post is excellent for both of us. x

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