• Just finished work and came out of the building bewildered. There was this solid very bright object in the sky surrounded by this weird blue colour and it was so warm. Was it a alien space ship? Was it a lightning ball? Was I just tired and imagining things? No it’s the SUN!!!! Not seen it or blue sky for weeks lol. It’s a really beautiful day so going to enjoy this rare appearance 😁 I am now AF 21 days, happy,sober and loving life. Have a great sunshiny sober day everyone x

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 week, 2 days ago

    Let it shine by take that.

  • I was telling my other half excitedly about my yoga class and how we ended the class by saying namaste. Later on in the day he looked at me puzzled and said ” why the hell do you say Doris Day at the end of your class? ” I doubled over laughing. Did he think I had joined a cult Doris Day application class?? Flipping men 😂 may your day be full of joy, laughter and fun. I am not drinking tomorrow I hope you join me x

    • Haha! The funniest part is that he didn’t ask you right away, but maybe took time to think about it. Doris Day to you.

    • That’s hilarious and fabulous !!! 😝. I have one teacher who “seals each class with one count of Om”. I wonder what your other half would do with that 😂. Very sweet.

    • Beautiful, Doris day to all

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 week, 6 days ago

    Truly amazing thanks for that

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 2 weeks ago

    Yip @Ro I am indeed in the north in Bonny Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿. I bet you get fantastic snow falls. @agirl the rain always comes when I put my washing out too or the farmers go and spread cow poop on their land……bloody awful lol

    • Ro replied 2 weeks ago

      Actually we really have it pretty sweet where I am. I’m close to the coast so snow rarely settles, but we get the odd occasion where stadium roofs have collapsed kinda thing. Queenstown and the Southern Alps aren’t far away so loads of skiing /winter sports to be had. I quite fancy Sam Heughan ha hah hah! Do you know who he is? I bet you do

  • kissingmyrainbow posted an update 2 weeks ago

    Day 15 AF . The first of June and we had hail stones!!!! It rained near every day in may . It’s my fault because the one day may it was sunny I treated myself to open toed shoes and it’s never been weather to put them on again lol. Never mind the storm in my head has finally calmed , there is sunshine beaming in my life and I am not drinking tomorrow. I hope your day has been full of warmth and sunshine.

    • Awwww that’s really lovely @kissingmyrainbow!!! So we can blame you for this weather then! Here was me thinking it was my fault because I hung out the washing 😉. I’m so glad you are feeling well. Enjoy!!!

    • Ro replied 2 weeks ago

      Congrats on 15 days- that’s awesome 🙂 So I’m guessing you’re in the northern hemisphere? I’m at the bottom of the south island of New Zealand and it is Winter here. We’ve had above average temps for Autumn but this week has turned and I needed a hat in bed this morning! There was a slight frost on the windscreen of my car yesterday-I’d forgotten how much I loved filling up the watering can in the dark, with freezing cold water to melt it off. I have a car cover so will be employing that from now on!
      Well done on pushing through the head chatter. Hard but really rewarding. Keep up the great work and it won’t be long before drinking is a distant memory 🙂

      • Yip @Ro I am indeed in the north in Bonny Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿. I bet you get fantastic snow falls. @agirl the rain always comes when I put my washing out too or the farmers go and spread cow poop on their land……bloody awful lol

        • Ro replied 2 weeks ago

          Actually we really have it pretty sweet where I am. I’m close to the coast so snow rarely settles, but we get the odd occasion where stadium roofs have collapsed kinda thing. Queenstown and the Southern Alps aren’t far away so loads of skiing /winter sports to be had. I quite fancy Sam Heughan ha hah hah! Do you know who he is? I bet you do

    • JM replied 2 weeks ago

      Congrats on 15 days @kissingmyrainbow! : )

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 2 days ago

    Just read it now @aimless thank you so much for that

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 2 days ago

    Well done on 11 days and I love the easy does it.

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    12 days you are rocking it

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    Well done writing that letter, the immense relief I bet you had when writing it will be like a weight of your shoulders. I did it by text to my partner just got it out there and in the open. Now you have done this may I suggest that when you are both next together that you sit down and really talk. It’s the best thing that I did and helped him to understand how I was feeling. What I do after a really hard day is long bubble baths and watching something funny on my iPad. Yoga then sauna and jacuzzi on my days off is just blissful. Why not go on line too and look at the items that you would like to buy with the money you have saved by not drinking? Also keep checking in here and read other people’s journeys. Look after you and you can do this.

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 4 days ago

    Hey @buckeyeone, you got this! The books you have got are good. I did the alcohol experiment on line, please give it a go. Also I do the HALT technique and it’s working for me. We both actually started to get sober about the same time last year but I had a different name. We are still here and we are still determined to keep trying and that takes strength and balls. I am with you every step. We can do it. I am not drinking tomorrow and I know you will join me.

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 4 days ago

    Fantastic post love it❤️

  • 12 days AF. So much has happened in those 12 little days. I am getting sleep, I have started to go back to the gym again, I am so much happier and my relationship is just fantastic. I have been at this point so many times it’s embarrassing. To go from having an amazing life to pure hell because I couldn’t stop hitting the wine. My biggest tool that’s in my tool box is HALT. I have had to use it twice so far and it bloody worked. One day I was just hungry and tired after a long hard shift and the other was tiredness. Just giving myself time to think and a moment to collect my thoughts has stopped me from going and getting that first bottle. Re training my brain is hard but I am getting there. This is the life I want and I am so determined to keep on the happy and sober path of life. Be well everyone and I am not drinking tomorrow x

    • Fantastic kissingmyrainbow! I’m so happy we are here. I’m fresh w my 40 days af tomorrow. I found a song that clicks for me and made it my celebrate phone alarm for 4 o’clock everyday. It makes me stop and rejoice! Keep enjoying the goodness.

    • I will join you in not drinking as well! I’m 12 days tomorrow!

    • Outstanding!! I love HALT. So simple but so screamingly effective, no? I’m so happy for you. You’re on to 2 full weeks. The whole road opens from there, wait and see. Gets better and better.

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 1 day ago

    Oh well done, day 7 for me too let’s do this

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 2 days ago

    This song and this band are fantastic always been a big fan. The sound of silence cover by them is one of my sober tools. It helps me to let go and cry instead of hitting the wine.

  • Hello to you wonderful people. I had seen some of you mention HALT and how you stick by that to stop drinking. I have read up on it last night and it was extremely interesting. I am now going to stick by the HALT method, it made so much sense. I am joining you all by not drinking today x

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 6 days ago

    Thank you for that @getclear your reply is what I needed to read tonight. Great job in having 6 days AF we can do it

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 6 days ago

    Hi there @kitten, I am doing bit better now my shift has ended. Thank you so much for asking. How are you??

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 4 weeks ago

    Thanks @ladyhawke and @vodcath for your reply’s. I can and will do this!! This feelings are just not worth it at all

  • kissingmyrainbow posted an update 4 weeks ago

    Why do some of us keep putting ourselves through all this pain and anxiety? You are the only people apart from my partner that know I have a problem. My anxiety of being found out is huge, if work found out that I was hung over last week I will get the sack and I couldn’t handle that at all. The humiliation I think would tip me over the edge. I know I am a good person and hard worker but this poison keeps taking over. So do not want to go to work today but I have to. I am pacing the floor like a mad woman. My partner said just deny it as there is no proof. I hate all this deceit crap. I am now day two I have to do this NOW and stop the madness . I have to. Be well warriors today.x

    • Yes, you do have to do this, as alcohol makes you more anxious. I was the same as you and actually wanted someone at work to say something, but it never happened and I had to face the fact that I had to decide myself to stop drinking, to save myself, my sanity and be a better mother to my wonderful children. You can do this. You can stop drinking and this will in turn make you calmer as you won’t have the pain and anxiety. It will take time, but it will happen and then you won’t have any guilt about being hangover and you won’t have to deceive anyone again, especially yourself 🙂

    • I feel exactly the same the anxiety is horrendous

    • @kissingmyrainbow, I get it. Wonder still why no one called me on my drinking but was insanely afraid they would at the same time. Im only 6 days AF BUT already anxiety has lessened and I’m thrilled to not have to hide. You can do this! Stop the madness now and don’t go back. If all of these friends Here are doing It there’s hope for you and I and all the rest.

    • how are you @kissingmyrainbow?

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 4 weeks ago

    Am coming, and don’t forget the chocolate cake lol x

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 4 weeks ago

    You are a very strong lady. As @agirl said, alcohol at a child’s party? It’s just shocking that people treat alcohol as the norm and invite it to everything with many knowing it’s really not a nice party guest to have. Have a great day/evening x

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 4 weeks ago

    Good for you @heidi19 that sounds a beautiful place to be, I hope I can join you there and stay for good. I am with you not drinking today. X

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 4 weeks ago

    Welcome

    • Thank you 🥰 Feels great to be able to read and talk to others and share our experiences and give each other hope and strength x

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 4 weeks ago

    @k1w1 you don’t know what you missed it but as great and @wakingowl I have seen that was so funny

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 4 weeks ago

    Welcome great guys on here

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 4 weeks ago

    Well done, hope you enjoy your yoga, way to go to aid relaxation x

  • kissingmyrainbow posted an update 4 weeks ago

    Well it’s the fabulous Eurovision Song Contest tonight, LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would normally have a bottle or two and crisps. Not tonight, I am having orange on ice and popcorn. Go Great Britain 🇬🇧

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 4 weeks, 1 day ago

    Thanks guys all that information was fantastic xx

  • I wondered what everyone’s triggers are? And how you avoid them. Mine are if I have been working hard for days on end I need a bottle and it’s bordom. Also if my partner has gotten angry because I have had wine then I go get another one as I think what the hell he not talking to me anyway. Any ideas would be so helpful. Hope you all have a great day/eveningx

    • Being home alone is a huge trigger for me, when I know I’ll be the only one home in the evening I make sure I have my favorite snacks and a book.

    • I had to face up to the fact that I didn’t really have triggers when I finally gave up drinking, I just drank a lot of wine in the evening every day. The addiction had taken hold to be it’s own problem, even though it got started as a way to cope with stress. Early evening was the trigger and that was hell. I’m so grateful that is behind me.

    • Boredom is a huge trigger for me, ive realised how much of why i drank is because i am disinterested in a lot of typical past times, i dont like gardening or exercise nor am i political etc so im still finding out what i do like, spending time with people i love, movies, books and sometimes just watching tv! still beats drinking to a stupor. For treats ill have some icecream or my favourite crisps! God i sound like a twelve year old 😅!!

    • Hello @kissingmyrainbow and all. I think my trigger is this romantized idea that I used to create in my head around 4:30 as I was wrapping up the workday. Thinking how I’d just go home and enjoy a glass of wine while I made dinner. The feel of the glass in my hand. The first sip (that became many many). I’d find myself actually driving to that wine. It’s all I thought about on my way home. But the reality was that I’d drag out making dinner while I drank the whole damned bottle. It was routine. Every night. When I decided (love that word DECIDED) to really quit (no shit – no freaking more alcohol for me), I relied on HALT. I use it every single time I get an urge (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired/Thirsty). I usually eat a light lunch, so I began to make it a point to eat something the second I get home. (Crunchy is my go-to, so I like nuts) Then I searched the grocery aisles for low sugar juices (found some organic children’s juice) that I could put over ice and add seltzer or tonic to to drink instead of Sutter. I also never use a wine glass (not going to even screw around with that). So for me, its been kind of changing some habits and making substitutions for others. I also get the hell out of Dodge when I need to. I leave the house. Go for a walk. Clean out a draw. I COME HERE (love this community!) The urges have been getting fewer and farther between. I’m on day 82 today. There’s no doubt in my mind whatsoever that tomorrow will be 83. Good luck. Keep going. It’s worth it.

    • @kissingmyrainbow -mine used to be rejection, disappointment, being angry, hungry, tired, lonely…..my kids as teens at times…..issues with family. Anything really …but that was when I wasn’t in the mindset of handling things as well and I was overly sensitive. I still work on that. 🙂

    • triggers: being happy, being sad, being rejected, being ignored, failing, succeeding, boredom, boredom, boredom, finishing a long day work, stress, finishing a big work project, having time off from work, waking up in the morning. Avoid them, by taking classes, walking, watching tv, eating, brushing the dogs, bathing the dogs, vacuuming the hair in the house from the dogs, working, sleeping, cooking, shopping for groceries, shopping for new clothes (gained weight), self improvement.

    • @kissingmyrainbow – I have noticed lots of triggers, and many the same as others mentioned here, but one thing I have picked up on more recently is related to when money is in short supply, I would feel so pissed off about it that I would spend money on drinking. Sort of a oh well I can’t afford to have xyz so I may as well drink. Also, loneliness can be a trigger.

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 4 weeks, 1 day ago

    It’s so bloody hard @shalane and I would be n
    Honoured to go in this journey with you. One day at a time Xs am going to keep trying @lars and Thankyou for your kind words x

  • 28 days under my belt and blew it. Shared a bottle of champagne with my friend and that was me. I had a bottle of wine every night since 7 days to be exact. I am just so tired of it all and feel sick to the bone. I just can’t stop it and feeling so very down.

    • Pick yourself up and try not to beat yourself up. There are some people who can drink moderately, and then there’s the rest of us. We just can’t drink because we feel terrible when we do. It happened but it doesn’t have to happen today…or tomorrow…or the day after, or the day after that. Be kind to you. xo

      • It is true, pick yourself up….dust yourself off and start over. Deep breath in, it is a new day….I will start again with you

      • It’s so bloody hard @shalane and I would be n
        Honoured to go in this journey with you. One day at a time Xs am going to keep trying @lars and Thankyou for your kind words x

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Am with you @buckeyeone x

  • Hi everyone hope all doing well. Not logged on for a wee bit so was shocked to see I am 16 days AF. I am not focusing on my days sober because I become obsessed with it and get to a point when I think loads of days sober now it’s treat time. Told my partner that I just don’t want to be reminded of how good I am doing on a daily basis. Keeping myself super busy with work and family and being happy and the days are flying by. Have a great evening/morning to you all xx

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Haha sounds like a real mushy slushy book….. lovely 😊

    • Oh have you not heard of it? The actor that plays Jamie is Sam Heughan!!!! Do you know him? He’s rather dishy

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    If it’s any consolation my skill is thick too, easier said than done to try and wise up to just not drinking. Tomorrow is a brand new day @squizzi. We have got this x

  • Hiya everyone, what a beautiful sunny day it’s been here in Scotland. I even had a skirt on for god sake, had to were sun glasses as the glare off my absolutely pure white legs were blinding me lol. Been working so hard lately so was in need of a chill day at home. I am now 14 days AF and feeling so good. Sleep is back to normal and energy levels are returning. I pray that I keep having the strength to resist the poison when the wine witch whispers and to remember how happy with my life I am at this moment when I don’t drink and how much positivity is around me. Wishing you all well and join me in staying sober tomorrow x

    • Ooh hello there I have just started re-reading Outlander and currently Clair and Jamie have just got married, so I have a very romantic 1743 view of Scotland at the moment. I also feel in my minds eye that it’s similar to NZ other than we don’t have castles and it’s not so cold here. Dazzle the world with your pins I say! You sound really good so keep it up 🙂

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 month, 2 weeks ago

    Oh god hun I know too well that look. It’s sole destroying. I was there where you are at 14 days ago. So many day ones, the silence from my partner and disappointment sighs. Him sitting in one room me in the other wringing my hands and upset that I did it again. Do you stay sober for a good while and everything is great again with your partner and the world? Then that bloody voice in your head says oh go on just the one drink go on? And boom, sloshed again. You are so not alone, I can’t moderate as many on here can’t either. Believe in yourself you can do this and please don’t beat yourself up about this either it’s just another bump in the road to recovery and freedom. Don’t pick up that first drink and stay strong x

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    @izzy good for you that you are here. I have been there many times with my partner looking at me like I am shit. We already feel all the shame and guilt so don’t need to be kicked further down than what we are. They don’t understand that we didn’t mean to, when we made the promise not to drink we really did mean it, we are not setting out to deliberately hurt and deceive them and we do truly love them. I said all this to my partner when we had a long into the night heart to heart about my drinking. I know that when I have got that disgusting look from him and the days of not talking to me that how crushed he felt when I drank, how he felt he was loosing the woman he loves and how bloody scared he was about our future as a couple. I bet your husband does too. You are on the right road now, keep slowly walking down it one confident step at a time. If you haven’t already have a long talk with him, be truthful about your addiction, the more raw and truthful you are the better, he will be able to understand and support you. Keep posting and stay strong. X

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Welcome @rose44

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Welcome @shellbee, good to have you here. Read the sober stories, truly gave me hope in getting to grips with this poison. X

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Well done on 7 days, me too, we will fight this together @tewy, we will x

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Good outlook on life @k1w1 and hope that buns were tasty x

  • 7 days AF . Feeling much better and focused. I won’t drink tomorrow. Sending hugs to you all x

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Wishing you strength and great success x

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    @agirl I will look for that meditation music Thankyou x

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    @enzedgirl Thankyou for your lovely reply, If I hadn’t been so young I don’t think I would have let what the doctor said affect me so much, and make me feel that it was my fault I had a miscarriage because I was fat. He didn’t say it was my fault but my
    mind heard that. No doctor or anybody for that manner has the right to criticise or pass judgment on another human being like that because you never know what is going on in their heads. Xx

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    Thankyou @agirl for your sweet words. I am so glad that your eating disorder has not resurfaced. Mine does every now and again when I have stopped drinking. I am going to start mediation lessons soon. I am hoping in time that I can reach back to my young starting to crumble self and hug her and tell her it’s ok. Xx

    • Actually @kissingmyrainbow I would have to say the eating disorder is still standing behind me but it’s not in charge. I used the Sounds True 40 day introduction to meditation which was gentle, kind and brief! Everything that I, beginner meditator needed. I hope you are feeling well today.

  • kissingmyrainbow posted a new activity comment 1 month, 3 weeks ago

    @mari135, how brave and strong you are, Thankyou for sharing this very open and honest post about what you have been through. I cried when I read it. A lot what you wrote mirrored me too. I used to thump myself as punishment, look in the mirror and say over and over( after I purged) how disgusting I was and felt unlovable. These feelings continue through the alcohol years . I was not abused nor neglected but my dad was an alcoholic and my mum was neurotic. Even though this was going on I was a happy kid so in no way I blame my childhood nor the suicide of my 21 year old son that happened 9yrs ago. I am convinced now it came on with bulimia and as you said it’s all self harming. I just want to say that I wish you were here in person and I would give you such a big hug. You are doing fantastic, all my love goes out to you xxxxxxxx

  • Morning/evening all. The dreams I had last night was horrible. Dreamt that my bosses and work colleagues were all in a room sitting on huge white and gold thrones and me sitting in front of them. One told me that I had been reported for drinking at work and that I was being struck off. I cried and cried as I knew everyone in my town would find out about my shameful secret and what the hell was I going to do as nobody would ever employ me. I woke up with relief that it was a dream. This would be my worst nightmare to bring such shame on my family and to be judged and labelled for the rest of my life. Some people know about my struggles that I have had in my past but not now. I have done a lot of looking back in my life this last few days to find out when I changed from a confident happy person to gradually transform into what Iam today. The only thing that I can pin point it that when I was 17 I had a miscarriage, I already had a 1 year old child, I then became pregnant again quite quickly. When I was 6 months gone I began to get pain so went to my doctor who told me that I was too fat( I was a normal size ) something in my head clicked that day as I thought that was why I had losses my other baby at 9 weeks. I immediately went on a diet and began to steadily loose weight. One morning when I was 8 months gone I was starving so had lots of toast. I panicked thinking if I put on weight I will loose my baby so I stuck my fingers down my throat and brought it up. I continued with this till my baby was born and for 4 years after. Some how alcohol came into the equation and I took more booze than purging. I read up on this and it apparently common for people with eating disorders to go on to have problems with booze. I am sure I have posted something about this a long time ago. Does anyone else have or has had an eating disorder before alcohol addiction?

    • Boy that sounds like a major rollercoaster kissingmyrainbow 😳

      It sounds to me like you’ve been quite traumatized by your doctor’s thoughtless and abusive comments.

      I think a lot of people here who have also had issues with food. You’re not alone xxx

      There’s also a lot if us here who have had hair-raising dreams about alcohol, I think it’s our poor old brains trying to process things. Thank goodness it’s just dreams eh?

      Lots of self-care in order I think xxx

      • @enzedgirl Thankyou for your lovely reply, If I hadn’t been so young I don’t think I would have let what the doctor said affect me so much, and make me feel that it was my fault I had a miscarriage because I was fat. He didn’t say it was my fault but my
        mind heard that. No doctor or anybody for that manner has the right to criticise or pass judgment on another human being like that because you never know what is going on in their heads. Xx

    • Oh sweetheart that is absolutely awful. Can you do something to snuggle yourself in some happiness and comfort? Yes- I had an eating disorder plus turned to alcohol. Terrible combination. Weirdly, now that I am sober my eating disorder hasn’t come back even one iota. I’m so pleased, was really worried it would when I stopped leaning on alcohol for comfort. I did do a lot of stuff to calm myself- guided meditation, reading happy and encouraging books, exercise. Keep posting, you will get through is.

      • Thankyou @agirl for your sweet words. I am so glad that your eating disorder has not resurfaced. Mine does every now and again when I have stopped drinking. I am going to start mediation lessons soon. I am hoping in time that I can reach back to my young starting to crumble self and hug her and tell her it’s ok. Xx

        • Actually @kissingmyrainbow I would have to say the eating disorder is still standing behind me but it’s not in charge. I used the Sounds True 40 day introduction to meditation which was gentle, kind and brief! Everything that I, beginner meditator needed. I hope you are feeling well today.

    • Before I answer your question I wanted to say you have my compassion. That must have been so hard to find out you are pregnant at that young age and then the miscarriage experience later on as well. There are no right words for that. I have friends, some who had several miscarriages, and it is devastating. Your feelings are valid and no wonder you started shifting into what sounds like bulimic episodes. That is a lot of heavy life stuff thrown at a young person right there, on top of that a non-supportive doctor.
      Hugs, only if you’d like them of course.

      oxoxoxo

      And yes, I made myself binge and purge for years. It started in either late high school or early college….I’d buy a ton of comfort foods in the beginning and then after I binged I was so worried about gaining weight, so I threw it all back up. My drinking escalated around that time as well slowly but surely. More like surely, actually….
      I continued purging well into my 20’s. I forgot when it stopped but that was a few years ago and it was more like a slow decline. It felt a bit like giving up an addiction as well, but luckily it did stop.

      I remember those lonely moments in front of the toilet….crying….feeling like utter shit. Very similar to hangovers. The shame around it was unbearable. I didn’t want people to know I did that.

      You’re not alone and it wasn’t your fault you did that.
      My therapist said in a way the binge-purging is a form of trying to have control over ‘something’ in your life, and of course it is also a form of self-harm. But at that time it served me somehow, just like alcohol. It gave me a false sense of control, it made me feel like like if I punished myself as a preemptive strike, surely I’d put “myself in line” and would no longer be punished by others because who could be harder on myself.

      I now understand my self-harm with both bulimia and other forms (I used to slap and punch myself with my hand and objects when I felt I had yet again proven I am a failure in…[Read more]

      • @mari135, how brave and strong you are, Thankyou for sharing this very open and honest post about what you have been through. I cried when I read it. A lot what you wrote mirrored me too. I used to thump myself as punishment, look in the mirror and say over and over( after I purged) how disgusting I was and felt unlovable. These feelings continue through the alcohol years . I was not abused nor neglected but my dad was an alcoholic and my mum was neurotic. Even though this was going on I was a happy kid so in no way I blame my childhood nor the suicide of my 21 year old son that happened 9yrs ago. I am convinced now it came on with bulimia and as you said it’s all self harming. I just want to say that I wish you were here in person and I would give you such a big hug. You are doing fantastic, all my love goes out to you xxxxxxxx

    • Oh you sweet girl. I’m so sorry that you’ve had to endure all of that. I have no counsel to offer as I’m certainly not qualified in any way to offer any. Only to let you know that I hope and pray that you begin to heal and feel better.

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