Start date 8/2/2014 At any stage I can choose to drink, but with that choice comes choosing all that come with it, so for today I choose not to drink. Nobody regretted ever being sober. :-)
"...It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that. In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore. ~Rev. Safire Rose. :
I’m with @k1w1, it doesn’t have to be inevitable. I also don’t think willpower is enough. We know we have incredibly strong wills. We’ve managed to keep jobs and power through days hungover. Asking for help before you drink is a great way to stay on track! xo
I’m Nope still have no post button on iPad did notice that up top on the address bar it says unsecure in red. Have a post button on my iPhone but when I went to comment on @tipsytoegal for some reason on my iPhone it went to her profile page rather than staying in members feed area.
YES!!! And I could not reply directly to your posts @k1w1 Or @Winner….I’m on my lap top now but was unable to get anywhere on Ipad. Completely lost my longish update…showed in my activity for a moment but would not post and now just vanished. @mrs-d
Yes me too on the gaining weight. You’d think that if you don’t suck down a bottle a night you’d lose but…I’ve gained too. But I ageee with @k1w1 with saying it’s better than alcohol. Someone here assured me in my first week it would level out itself so that’s what I’m counting on.
Hi @k1w1! Some of my favorites are: Mrs. D, Gabby Bernstein, sober revolution, peaceful_barb (not necessarily sobriety focused, but really good stuff), #alcoholfree, the temper, #sobriety, sobersaturdayz, positivelypresent, asobergirlsguide, glennen doyle, thisnakedmind, laura mckowen, sobermomtribe xo
Thanks so much for your replies @saoirse, @timidwarrior, @kitten, @morgan, @k1w1, @shez, @jm. So much wisdom. I went and had bloods done- we’ll see if there’s anything to be done there. I need to get this sorted, I feel I can’t face another winter like this. You know it’s getting bad when existence seems pointless and there is no joy in anything… I’ve definitely got a bad case of (in Tara’s words) “something is missing, something is wrong”. I’m so glad to be able to separate myself from it to a degree and not buy into it as reality, well not completely anyway. Hope you guys are all well! xxxxxxx And thank you.
That is no good at all. You will have to keep exploring. Hopefully just lacking in something vital. Iron ok? I am a great believer in check all physical options b4 any psychological delving as our chemistry can do us in big time. Mine does. Then the crazy, depressive stories my mind makes up- ridiculous, but so real and overwhelming
I am not saying it is or isnt anything – we are such complex beings. As the saying so truly goes, the more I learn, the less i know. Just watching Heal, a doco on Netflix. Very interesting. Have you seen it? Not too ott
I think Tara, along with St Johns wort and a few other helpful supplements (Tumeric!) has really helped rebuild my neural pathways into more constructive peaceful ones – yes @k1w1, D is essential and for so much of our healthy functioning, and iron. Did the Dr not give you the one-a-month all winter one? Stephen Pinker has also helped my horror at the injustice and crap in the world – and I have sort of dealt with my guilt that I am not doing enough … we can really bring ourselves dooowwwn that is for sure, and so can our chemistry 🙁
Oh @K1W1 I am a fiend for clothes. I have to have at least a dozen choices. My biggest worry is if I do any shopping I wouldnt fit more than a hanky in my pack haha. The only sensible thing I did was get quite a small pack…..to keep myself in line. Where are you going? Xx
Hey @k1w1 thanks I am aware of that pain. Unfortunately wats happening there is that the site is paginating via making a request of the server for more data. So it’s not so much seeing the rest of the page as seeing the next page. I have a couple of fixes for this that I am looking at implementing. Once I have sorted out the emerald speed issue i’ll see about improving this.
Thanks @Agirl, @k1W1, and @freedom1025. Good counsel as always. I’ll try not to dwell and just breathe through it. I’ll take the advice and begin planning something nice for this weekend. Going to be alone (again). Maybe take me shopping for something special. Thanks for the support. So good to know I’m not alone in this. Xox
Congrats on D86. Could be a bit of PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome). Or just life in general now that you’re living it without the numbing effect of alcohol. I agree with @k1w1 … accept it and breathe. It will pass. 😊
Thank you all so much!!! I already began incorporating writing in, and started reading Belle’s book again. Can’t hurt, right? 🙂 I also made notes in my phone calendar at D7, 10, 14, 30. Days to watch out for, and celebrate…and more! Thanks again! xo
Day 574. It is super early. I can’t sleep anymore and didn’t sleep well. Thank you @mari135@whichisnice@liberty@enzedgirl@sober4real@k1w1 @savtadon’tdrinknomore @winner@timetobesober@timidwarrior . i really appreciate your support so much! I am going to try to explain my overwhelm in hopes it helps to get it out. I will apologize for the length of this post in advance! First my Fathers cancer coming back. My Aunt has also been diagnosed with cancer. I am also worried about how my mother is handling both her sister and her husband having cancer. We found out there is an ambulance at my sisters place of residence almost on a weekly basis. She has seizures and overdoses frequently. Very scared of getting a phone call telling us she is dead. It sounds harsh, but it is the reality of her situation. She drinks too much. Of all the ppl in the world she is the one person i so desperately wish i could talk to about all of this, but that is just not possible. She doesnt even know about the two diagnoses yet. I told my boyfriend I am not in love with him anymore. It just kind of came out during a discussion/argument about our living situation. It is the truth. It hurt to tell him that. Bad. And i know it hurt him too. I don’t like hurting ppl. I am living in his “vacation” home in Fl. He also shares this home with his family. So there are ppl in and out of this house constantly. I feel like i am losing my mind. I have no privacy. I feel smothered. Trapped. I cant afford to leave or i would. I see no end in sight either. I have told him how i feel about living with his family and his exact words were “i would rather share a large house with my family then live in a small house with u”. I get it. We want different things. I just so wish i could leave. I also want to get married. He never wants to get married and it has been a huge issue for me. I have always lived alone and have been able to support myself independently so i am not used to these feelings. At all.…[Read more]
Oh @jesss all that sounds so incredibly stressful and hard. Well done for not drinking it would have made things so much worse. Lots of love and thoughts. Don’t make any hasty decisions without a good nights sleep. ❤️❤️
Hi @Jesss, that is flat out hard, I’m sorry things are so challenging. You totally rock for being on day 574!!! Maybe think of small changes, little things you can do that will slowly add up to help with everything. We’re on your side. x
Hi @jesss, this does sound incredibly hard. Over a year ago I was living in a flat with my now ex and it was a toxic situation, I understand feeling trapped by financial restraints. Where you live is vital to our state of mind. I guess you have some thinking to do about this and your boyfriend. The next step, what eve you decide depends on your studies, i would hang on in at school. I am certain that you not only good at stripping, even if this course turns out to be the wrong one. There are other course out there. I would speak to your teacher/personal tutor/school and explain what challenges you are facing and that you are behind. You are finding the course hard, ask your teacher for their thoughts. There should be support networks available within school/college for students to access – maybe with hardship grants or accommodation. Next I would think about living arrangements. Things like whether you can flat share, work part time, go into halls? But also about whether you really want to move away from your boyf and his family while you are so worried for relatives. Would moving out leave you more isolated and lonely? Also your boyfriend has made a gesture of financial support, a very kind thing to do. How long have you felt that you don’t love him? Does it stem from other stresses in your life? I would say, school, home and boyf are three things you need to focus on. Set targets on what you could do to resolve things, like “today I am going to take the first step and find out who I can approach at school for help.” hang on in and each day make one forward step even if it is small. There is a solution and a way out. A year ago, amongst other things I lost my job, my boyfriend, moved homes, moved towns… I do know how you feel. X
Try to take good care of you right now. Get through the ne t right thing, rest and be kind to yourself. I, too, know the hardships of many cancer diagnoses and alcohol addictions around me. But I’ve continued on. Now I’m at 16 days and feel strong and hopeful. You will too. You’ll be proud that you continued each day. 🧡
Hi @bobby! Thanks so much for your response. U got me thinking. And that is good. Where u live really is so vital. It’s unbelievable. I guess u don’t realize what u have until it’s gone! It’s been at least a year i have been feeling this way. We have kind of lost that loving feeling if u know what i mean. I love him SO much as a friend. He is a great guy! We just dont want the same things as far as marriage and having a home together and i dont know if thats what has made me lose the attraction or what but its just gone. Im not sure it will come back. There are some major trust issues that happened as well that i think have contributed to it. Yes I am totally scared to leave him since we are like best friends and he has been there for me through a lot of crap! I cannot financially move out right now so it’s not an option. I am studying today. I feel like him helping me will definitely get things going in the right direction. My school is online so not too much support there. I appreciate your thoughts very much!
@jesss I laid in bed and read your post a few times this morning. I do feel you are putting too much on your own shoulders much of which you have no control over. You can’t control someone else’s illness….so it’s time to have faith. Be there for them but that is about all you can do. Also, you don’t want to marry someone you do not love – trust me I know…..since you already told him you aren’t in love with him anymore maybe it’s time to devise your own exit plan in the next 6 months? You know you are a lot more talented than just being a dancer right? I wish I had the talent that some strippers have! But it’s good that I didn’t – I might have used it which would have been bad as I would have been drunk for the whole thing. I hope you can focus on what is important right now – today and that is YOU! Your recovery comes first and if you let all these other things make you a nervous wreck you could be jeopardizing that recovery. Recognize what you cannot control and give it to God. Remove the stress from your own shoulders that is not yours to carry. I would give you a big huge hug right now if I could. I remember being in a living situation like you once. Just remember it is temporary. Use it for what you can right now – to prepare for something else. Start looking around for roommates that would be good positive influences away from that old lifestyle. You’ve got this but you have to put yourself and your recovery first. Not worrying about things you cannot control. My Dad is dying right now. I get it but I cannot control his illness just like I couldn’t control his drinking back when I was a kid either. It sounds like it’s time for a serious timeout for you. As far as school – sounds like you might be having trouble concentrating because you put too much on your own plate at one time perhaps? I’m rooting for you. Just one step at a time. Take care of you, your recovery and school….then devise a plan to move out. Doesn’t have to be tomorrow – just…[Read more]
@sober4real i WAS drunk through the whole thing! Lol. Except for the year i was sober when i was like 25. I have no clue how i was a sober stripper! I couldn’t do that right now if u paid me a million dollars! Anyway i really appreciate your response and i totally agree with u. I need to try and let the things go i cant control and control the things i can! (I think thats some AA stuff there!) I really think taking on school was a bit much for me. But to get out of here i have to do it. If i could bartend right now i absolutely would. But these hand tremors are relentless. I would have to start drinking again and i am actively trying to avoid that! So i need school to get out of here. I literally cannot afford to move out with the amount of money i make and my bills. I don’t want to marry him now. But i did. And it has been a huge strain on our relationship not wanting the same things for our future. I think i have officially completely overshared on living sober as well! I really appreciate your response @sober4real! And im so sorry about your father. U are so strong and have such a great attitude. I hope u rub off on me a bit😉.
Lots and lots of love and strength to you – you are an amazing and obviously very strong woman, but something within is demanding a change of direction XXXX sooo very hard as you explain. Don’t forget to breathe – I do not think you are at risk of going insane, you simply a massive load, stress and have very strong messages within refusing to go away. Make friends with those messages. Tell them you are listening. Go gently XXX
Had a big post and tried to edit too many times – poof! So will just say, overwhelm tells us that something has to give. System is at overload. Be gentle with yourself and don’t believe that old message about not capable. Listen to yourself. Some things you cannot change here, like the family situations. Perhaps some you can. I second morgan, you’re amazing and clearly have so much capacity and heart. xxx
@liberty i read your post a few times and i still have it in my email for reference! Lol. I was shaking my head yes through the whole thing. I think i am at system overload and sometings gotta give! And i get what u are saying, can i afford NOT to move out of here. Even if we were madly in love i STILL would not want to live communal style with his family and he absolutely loves it and doesnt want to change it. And i do have this story in my head i tell myself. For sure! And it’s not a very positive story! I made an appointment to see my therapist tues. She is awesome and i am so looking forward to it. Thank u for all your kind words! They mean a lot.
As everything I would have said has already been written above I am sending you the biggest hug @jesss and hope that you will find some space (physical as well as mental) to give yourself a bit of time out xxxx
Hi @SteveF, do you know, I just got up from a nap and was thinking about what a lonely time Easter can be. For me I have family still alive but we’re not really close, so Easter has a way of reminding me of that painful emptiness. I think it can be a time when we anticipate togetherness and that doesn’t happen. People seem to retreat over Easter, me included. On the other hand it was an Easter when I stopped drinking, and I now have a few online communities like this one, and am grateful there’s somewhere I can connect with others in such times. Like now, so I’m really glad you and @k1w1 shared what you did. xx
Oof that’s hard @k1w1, I’d be disorientated too. But yes, what Mrs D said about her truth. If my truth was that I could be trolleyed all day and have a great time and great relationships etc etc, then life might be too short not to jam that experience in. Not my reality. My truth is a moment’s buzz now and then (not even every time) with a whole lot of accompanying crap. Life’s too short to waste any more of it doing the same old thing and expecting it to get better somehow.
I can really relate. I’m only on day 22, but have been thinking about this lately. I completely agree life is short and very fragile – too short I have decided to waste drinking. It is fun letting go and getting together with friends, but we can all do this without alcohol.
@k1w1 I love Beauty and the Beast so much! My daughter used to call it “Booty and da beese”…when she was little we used to watch it over and over so the newest remake was awesome. Your morning routine makes me feel relaxed just reading about it. I’m thinking of giving up coffee…..not sure when. I drink a lot of hot lemon water as it is but not first thing I the a.m. when it is most likely the healthiest for you. I am motivated to create a morning routine now myself! 🙂 Thanks for posting!
@k1W1 I have read many times the benefits of lemon in hot water in the morning, and I still reach for my coffee most days. I can see the good sense in that thought of doing something nice, guess once you create the habit it gets easier.