What if you were sent here by something larger Not against your will or wishes But in alignment with your deepest longing What if it was as simple as finding what you love And letting it teach you how to live. ~Oriah “Mountain Dreamer”
I let go and allow the river to carry me to new adventures. ***
Morning coffee….and it feels so good….goshdarnit (I promised i’d work on that foul mouth of mine…..34 is a good age to get started I reckon… 😉 ) My chosen mug for today is a simple yet bold dark red one…..fall colors ….nom nom nom……Took a lovely long and slow walk around my little lake here after work yesterday…….oh my…..oh my God……how precious and sacred and energizing and soothing nature is…..I always forget…until I am reminded……You cannot buy that feeling…..it is pure life…….
I DID buy a pair of winter hiking boots yesterday as well….lol…they also made me very happy…. 🙂 It’s not like money is a bad thing or materials things…in fact, I do derive joy from them if consumed wisely and not as a fix (I want to keep an eye on that as my addictions tend to shift from one area to another…..) ….but man…just knowing I have a way of keeping dry and warm and cozy….and look cute while I do…(they are really really cute boots….) makes my heart jump and high five me…..I am positive to be able to take walks outside now until maybe January…..or at least for as long as possible and then as soon as possible again in winter when we are headed toward spring…
Did I mention late fall/winter fuel my depression usually and make me more anxious…? Lol….there …..there you have it. They do…But this year I am better prepared than ever in my entire adult life…I got my gym….second winter with it in my life…..I will continue to walk and swim and lift weights all the way through the darker colder months…..and I have the best wardrobe I’ve ever had thanks to all that extra money I didn’t waste on nights out at the bars……or fancy as Pinot Noir ($40 per bottle ain’t no problem bud, I am not an alcoholic but a sophisticated consumer)
Great post @mari135 – i love reading your posts, it’s like a piece of blog heaven!! I’ve found myself saying lots of affirmations lately. Mostly that I am lovable, i am worthy of a good healthy life, I am beautiful. Sometimes it seems hookey, but I do it anyway. Have a wonderful day, friend!
Ohh thanks so so much sweet sobermommy1013!!! xxoxxoxoxoxoxo You have a wonderful day as well. And I fully agree with you on the affirmations. Some days I love’m, some days I feel like “Who am I fooling with this stuff?!” Haha. 🙂
Ohh thanks so much freedom1025!!! I will take your advice to heart…..Next weekend I promised myself I would NOT work Friday after work and then all of Saturday….and Sunday until early evening…possibly not at all Sunday either…that would be nice…IF I can wing it and get enough done before….oxoxoxoxxo Have a sweet Saturday!
Hiya @Mari135! I saved this, the quotes at the end hit home – trauma, perfectionism, necessity of being deeply kind to self. I had the thought today that life is just easier if one is expansive – with love and compassion. Happy week-end! Your new boots so great! xo
Love your posts @Mari135, always read them and find them positive, honest and helpful. Realised I don’t often say so, so thanks very much for always being present on here and allowing us to be part of your journey. x
Aw @mari135 I feel like I was walking the lake with you! So lush ! You’re right nature is an amazing antidote, I’m going biking today through an amazing forest !! your therapist sounds onto it, and good idea preparing for the winter months , xxx enjoy your weekend !
There is so much in this – as I so often say, I hope you are saving all this for your book. Even a book of your blogs would be great, dip in, and find gold. So glad I set my alarm early enough for the reading of dear Mari xxxxx now, back to the start as there was too much for me too remember my favourite part. I will sit with my ambivalence and loneliness today, especially knowing that even if my far off man was here, I could feel just as lonely. It is me I have to befriend ( cringe cringe never liked all that talk lol) and me as my older self – each stage of life brings new acceptance ‘issues’ – I can stop saying, boringly, I SHOULD have this sorted by now, lash self 500 times…
morgan, thanks you so so much!!! oxoxoxoxo No “should-ing” sweet morgan…..it’s ok to feel lonely..and if that’s how you feel, then that is your feeling state of that moment. You didn’t cause it, and it’s NOT your fault. Hugs your way, you special and absolutely lovable soul you!!
Thank you @ mari135, you so often articulate what I am feeling and know the place right where I am. I look for your posts in the feed (no pressure 🙂 ). Your words help to give form to the confusion that is in my head. I am so tired and exhausted and confused just now, your posts bring a level of comfort and clarity that lets me know others get it. My space, where I can feel at peace, is when I walk my dogs at the local park. It is a reprieve and a solace for my soul ( it doesn’t have the same level of wildlife as your lake! Lots of other dog walkers and this time of year, lots of flowering things, lots of beautiful colour 🙂 ) Thank you xx
Ohh thanks so much for your kind reply, Begoodtomyself….oxoxox And how GOOD is your username, by the way! Yes…being GOOD to ourselves…it’s such a new concept, isn’t it? Not our own enemy, but to be our own greatest cheerleader….I so want to be that for myself.
Loving your park and dogwalks….stay close to those clearings in the forest of your life…and the light will be back. oxoxoxox It is going to be ok, and YOU are going to be ok.
Hi all! Thinking of all affected by the hurricane in the States and the one in S. Asia. It’s been a bit hard getting back in to work, another school year. Always a rollercoaster. But more good than bad. And I don’t make it worse by drowning my anxieties on a Thursday night, as I used to do with 2 bottles of wine + a pack of cigarettes. On my morning walk today with my sweet dog, I thought the key to not burning out is to live in the present. Enjoy the day, don’t project far in to the future, don’t catastrophize, forgive yourself for not being a perfect person, stay in the now. That will be my mantra for the day, for the week, all year. Will walk to the beach later, so hot here in Toronto. Day 1227. Love to all. xo
Hey this just came up as a memory on my Facebook from 2 years ago and thought I’d share it again for the newbies. Not wanting to hog the feed but hahaha looks like I am!!
YAY! Might as well say it’s two years today since alcohol has passed these lips Sometimes miss my fun party self, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit this When I was boozing, I wasn’t just snoozing, not quite the proverbial train wreck Gave it a good nudge for two thirds of my life, comes a time when a girl think’s Heck! The me that I’ve found underneath my facades has gained so much more than I’ve lost I am free, I am strong, I live real and raw, feeling all my emotions whatever the cost No guilt, no shame, self-respect is my game, and trying to be all I can be It’s different and lonely and sometimes it’s rough, but it beats being out of my tree So many upsides OMG who knew? Always real, authentic, gritty and true Growing up in a culture that idolizes drinking we get sucked in without even thinking Now seems time to stand up and be brave, it’s way more than dollars and health that we save Every aspect of life enhanced in all ways, brain is awake, not in a daze Clarity, empathy, intuition galore, motivation, energy, time for others, lots more I’d have to say it’s the best thing I’ve done, and the biggest reward has come from my son He saw my life change, saw the battle I’d won, he gave up the piss, yes indeed and the weed Feeling pride and awe deep down in my core, I’m so impressed, and I know I am blessed I’m lucky and plucky and happy and free coz my son and my daughter are in turn proud of me I’m winning and grinning, don’t need to be told, that this is pure gold for me growing old.
You so should take over the feed! I just lost another response…never a post. Four years in and still our inspirer. Love the way you have rocked along this path -goat track. Always amazing us xxxx!♡♡♡♡♡♡
Things have felt a little difficult lately. The school year has ended, and I have lots of exams to mark. That’s no problem. But relationships (family + friends) continue to shift, end, morph – it feels like there’s no filter for the bad relationships, no fake face, and while it is liberating not to be in touch w people and smile and accept their decades-long garbage and abuse (two siblings in mind), it’s strange and kind of sad. Other relationships are way better without alcohol – two in particular, my husband and brother. Beautiful days here in Toronto, I am grateful for so much. Love to all, day 1131. xo
I’m so sorry you’ve got some tough relationships to navigate. I’m glad you’ve chosen not to accept their abuse! Enjoy your beautiful days, and your relationships with your hubby and brother. Having those blossom is such a blessing of sobriety!
@jm – i’m sorry you’re a bit down lately. navigating friendships and relationships can be hard. But we get to chose who is in our lives and people who bring you absolutely NO VALUE should have no place in your life. Grateful for you today!
Hi @JM! Hugs to you from OH and I can totally relate !! I like how you used “morph” …SPOT ON. adjective to these relationships! My dad is 78 and still practicing (pediatrician) and he was a “perfectionist” It seemed nothing I achieved or did was without criticism. I walked on egg shells…as did my sisters. When my mom passed from breast cancer 15 years ago all went downhill. She was the rock BUT too sweet to get involved with Dad and his daughters….so fast forward now ..where I have these impending court dates just to move four hours with my fiance and 13 and 16 year old…and as u know from my rants my ex was abusive, had many affairs, married his 3rd affair lady,continues to try to control me etc etc etc…ANYWAY my sisters and father actually picked up phone and..after 8 years of divorce from ex and hearing of his abuse a d betrayals to me ….picked up his phone call and talked and originally agreed with narcissistic ex husband!!(presently..after I explained they understand..but wtf I was having to explain) Punch in the heart for me. And exhausting…. And my oldest 24 year old is siding with ex and verbally abusing me, 280 miles away, even attempting smear campaign to me on social media..its heartbreaking to see my son mimic his dads abuse…and ironic as ex abused my son… Etc etc….but YES I get it, friend!! And how the true relationships not dysfunctional thrive now..☺☺ my daughters(adult) my 13 and 16 yr old and all my friends, community, co workers at school of course my fiance..etc Thank God we are AF !!! And you are my inspiration and 1131…just fantastic!!!!!!!! I’m thinking ,boozing or AF…some people…namely the dysfunctional ones….still never change. Or go in cycles
Sometimes I think once we quit drinking we expect everything to be rosy when in reality I think it sheds light on everything, the good, the bad and the ugly. I’m sorry you have to deal with dysfunctional people. It’s no fun and they can drag us down to their level so easily! But you sound resolved and aware, and those two qualities are what you need to maintain sobriety. You’re absolutely doing great!!
Hi all. Feeling so sad about the earthquake in Mexico. My husband’s family is there + part of their house is cracked. They are all right, whew. Thinking of the people who have family/friends under the rubble, mothers wondering whether their children in the collapsed school are still alive. Mucho amor, besos y abrazos, Mexico. xxxooo Day 866.
Hi all. After a difficult day visiting family on Saturday, I spent a good part of the day crying on Sunday. It triggered all of these sad, angry, traumatized feelings yesterday that lay under the surface. I have a lot of compassion for my younger self who boozed herself up to numb those feelings. Taking a day to regroup and rest easy. Day 563. Onwards. xxx
I’m so glad you took the day off. I would just like to say that you have been a huge support to me on my sober journey and you are an amazing,caring person. We all appreciate you whether your family does or not. Unfortunately we cant pick our family but we can be grateful we are not like them. Huge hugs and a heap of appreciation to you for all you give on LS lovely XOXO
I agree with you MrsD I think sometimes we all need a little boost to remind ourselves how great and very COOL we are @JM I’m good thanks,actually feeling better than good. I guess I’m going through that self aware,creative phase that given your amount of days you will have experienced that. I’m hoping by me reminding you of how that feels might bring it all back. SOO i’m sending you massive, warm fuzzies over to you 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 XOXO