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  • Jesss posted an update 1 week, 1 day ago

    Hi guys. I have 9 consecutive days going. Not having cravings. (Knock on wood). Occasional thoughts of drinking but no cravings. Wierd. I had intense crazy cravings in my second year of sobriety. I know ppl say it gets better and cravings lessen but that wasn’t my experience at all. I think my life has a lot to do with it. I think my cravings stemmed from my frustrations and fears. For years i lived with panic attacks, anxiety and tremors. I was absolutely convinced it was due to my drinking. I really believed if i quit drinking it would all go away. I even saw a therapist who was convinced as well it stemmed from alcohol and if i could just get sober my hands would stop shaking. Well…this wasn’t completely true. I even tried to go back to bartending at about a year and a half sober. My hands were shaking so bad i couldnt carry the glasses. I left in tears. Running out the door as fast as i could. Why would i want to go back to bartending at a year and a half sober? Money! I can’t find a job to support myself on my own since i left the bars. And it has weighed on me immensely. I have no way to leave my boyfriend right now. And 9 days ago i found out he was cheating on me. We haven’t been doing good. I get it. It still hurts like hell and i cannot explain to u how bad i want to leave. How scared i am for my future. I have lived with him since the tremors got really bad. I am completely dependent on him and i absolutely hate this feeling. But…..i am determined to get through this. I am determined to finish school. I have really buckled down and finished my medical terminology class last night with a 97%. I am going to school for medical coding. Hoping this can help me gain my independence back. I am scared to be alone! My parents have reached an age where sickness seems to be the norm. My dad just returned home from the hospital with pneumonia. He’s doing good. Tomorrow he goes to see an oncologist about his cancer. My sister just isn’t there at all. Again for the 3 days my dad was in the hospital i couldn’t get a hold of her. She has her own health problems stemming from a serious alcohol addiction. So yeah…im scared to be alone. Im scared i don’t have a bar to fall back on for money like i have depended on my entire life. Trying to use my brain instead which brings up a whole bunch of insecurities. I turned 40 this year. It’s been a freaking tough year! I became resentful of my sobriety. I felt like i was doing it for nothing. The tremors didnt go away so what’s the point? Well…sobriety didn’t make them go away. The disappointment is real! But, it makes them a whole hell of a lot more tolerable and way less intense. In fact drinking alcohol the night before pretty much guarantees i will be a shaking nervous wreck the next day. I know the only way i will gain my independence back is through sobriety. So the day i found out my boyfriend was cheating on me is the day i decided to really give sobriety a shot again. It kinda of sparked the survivor instinct in me. I WILL GET THROUGH THIS! (And fuck him for cheating on me😒)
    Love u guys!
    Peace love & sobriety!✌💗🙏

    • Hi @Jesss!!! I missed you. My sister-in-law went back to school for medical coding at 40 and she’s been doing great. Kudos to you for a 97%! You still have my admiration for giving it such a go without any perceived benefits. Onward to day 10. xoxo

      • I do see benefits @jocord. It just didn’t turn out the way i had hoped. And im still struggling to figure things out. But.. Im trying. Missed u too💗

    • @Jesss would you consider seeing a doctor about the tremors?

      • Hey @erica375. I don’t have health insurance and i barely make enough to cover my bills. I did see Drs when i first got sober and it was attributed to my anxiety. Meds helped briefly but about a month into it i think my body got used to them and they stopped working. I got off the meds and tried diff alternatives. Accupuncture, neurofeedback, yoga, meditation….they improve but won’t completely go away. My mom has them. My grandma had them. I think its in my genes. Alcohol stops them in there tracks!😳 But also makes them worse over time i believe. One day i hope to have health insurance and maybe could see about alternatives. Not having a job where my hands are on display (bartending, waitressing) is really the best solution i have found.

        • I’m so sorry! Isn’t that always the way it is with alcohol, seems to help our problems at first, then it turns on us and makes them worse!😥

        • Are you still doing the yoga and meditation? I find it is a very long term, slow help for so much – sadly not a quick fix. Is acupuncture expensive there?
          Sorry to hear about the family too. Wouldn’t it be great to have a supportive, loving, fun, helpful family??!!! I wish

      • Jesss replied 1 week ago

        So true @erica375

    • Thanks @lucy💗💗💗

    • Sending you lots of love and support @jesss. Even though it doesn’t make all the bad stuff go away I really do believe life is better without the alcohol – I’m so glad you are here with us. I’m also very sorry about the trauma and disrespect your boyfriend is showing you. You deserve so much better and I am glad to hear you are on the road to making a new career for yourself. Well done lovely xo

    • Sending you love and hugs Jesss, you’re a wee trooper and you will survive. Your boyfriend is a dick!

      • Jesss replied 1 week ago

        I totally lauged out loud to this! He IS a dick @prudence!😂😂😂 Thanks for the love and hugs💗

    • Congratulations on 97%, that’s fantastic @jesss!
      You’re really going through it right now and you are finding personal resources to draw on. I think if you have to be alone you’ll find a way to cope somehow because you already have more capacity to cope than you realised – but, I hear you, you don’t want to be. It’s important too to recognise we need connection too isn’t it. We all need help and support. So glad you’re here. So glad your Dad got through pneumonia! What a pair of survivors they are. You all are.
      It seems that Dr’s are quick to ascribe things to anxiety (or some other psychological ‘problem’) if they don’t know what else it is, rather than seeing that anxiety might be a natural reaction to having a body that is not functioning as it should. For the life of me I don’t know why that’s hard to understand. Anyway, I don’t know if that’s the case for you of course.
      9 days, YIPEEEE!!
      You’re going through such a transformation in so many ways. Lots of love to you xxx

      • Jesss replied 1 week ago

        Thanks so much @liberty. It does feel like a transformation! I am so looking forward to a career, new place, and no more cheating ex….sigh. It will come💪🙏💗

    • Ro replied 1 week ago

      Glad you’re back @jesss was worried not having seen you for awhile. I think you are incredible Jess. You have an inner strength that keeps shining through. Well done on gaining those marks in your class – I hope something comes of that – you deserve a break

    • Lots of love to you. Congratulations on your 97% – that is such a sign for you, do not let anything stand in your way. XXX stay close to us, rant and rave, jealousy is a ghastly thing to feel, however in the past, I have found it can leave very suddenly too. May it depart at high speed. Fill your thoughts of partners with hope and anticipation for a good one soon – override thoughts of the cheater with hopeful ones. Sounds crazy, but apparently it works.
      (I spent much of the weekend replacing panic and grieving thoughts with love and gratitude ones which saved me from doing damage to very important relationships. Everything worked out so much better for me taking my hands off the controls and remembering, breathe, love love love. I thought I would deal with the ISSUES later, but now I don’t even think I will bother raising them.) Bla bla, happy week hon

      • Jesss replied 1 week ago

        Hi @morgan! I have totally stopped all of my yoga and meditation. I absolutely have to start it back up again. I like the idea of overriding thoughts with hopeful ones. There is someone better suited for me out there! If not im better off alone. Thanks for your support💗

        • To me, yoga – or pilates, anything getting deep into the muscles and reminding us about our breathing, is vital. The benefit is imperceptible, but grows and grows.
          A good hard out pump or Bums Abs and Thighs (BAT) seems to do me the world of good mood wise too though I dislike them, and the loud music etc seems disturbing, not inspiring to me.
          Do you like Tara Brach? If you do, a never ending source of meditations and talks – keeps our own destructive tape loop thoughts at bay too, which is a huge bonus; great gift.
          Go well. Better things are to come

    • Hey @jess, hope things start turning your way, stay strong! Sending you positive vibes from Canada!

    • What an amazing achievement @Jess you are stronger than you believe, keep going and lean on us
      Lots of love and strength sent your way

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