• Jesss posted a new activity comment 22 hours, 43 minutes ago

    Hi @jocord & @liberty. Thanks for thinking of me. I have wrangled together 5 days AF. Not ready to share much more but appreciate the thoughts very much!

  • Jesss posted an update 6 days, 23 hours ago

    I don’t think addiction is the same for everyone. And i dont think recovery is the same for everyone. I really honestly believe it is much harder and more intense for some ppl. Not sober right now…@liberty
    But at the same time. Maybe i am just a weak fool ….i just dont believe that

    • It’s hard for everyone @jesss but everyone is different. I’m sorry you are having a hard time right now. I’ve been there….tomorrow is a new day! xoxoxoxox Hang in there.

      • Completely agree @Jesss I’ve found stopping drinking pretty easy compared to some people, but I really struggle when it comes to food… And it doesn’t mean I didn’t have a problem with how I drank. I just count my lucky stars and hope it lasts.

    • Thanks for the flag hun, will email. No don’t believe your own bad press, not a weak fool at all 🙂 That was someone else’s story. xx

    • You are not weak and you are not a fool @jesss. You are lovely and brave. You can do this, I know you can. Booze is telling you life is better with the bottle. But it isn’t. Now, I’m not saying that life is all roses when we are sober but when you are sober you can trust yourself and you can depend on yourself. I know you can do this lovely, tell that bottle to go F off. ❤️❤️❤️ Xo

    • Agree, some people just have a lot of shit to deal with @jesss
      I think there’s such a thing as timing and it’s different for everyone.
      Love what you said about trust @newstart100 That was true for me.

    • Lots of love Jesss xxx

    • You have my compassion. You are better than the booze. We are here for you.

    • I agree with you that addiction and recovery are different for everyone. I don’t know you but have a very hard time believing you are weak or a fool. We have all struggled or are struggling here, and I am sure we have all experienced many feelings of weakness and foolishness and countless other negative emotions. You can still rise above.

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 1 week, 6 days ago

    Im ok @liberty. Being antisocial. I am open to exchanging emails. Thank u🌸

  • Jesss posted an update 2 weeks, 1 day ago

    I feel absolutely horrible. @lee-2 u are correct, hangovers after some sober time are absolutely awful. I wound up walking to a bar and having a beer. My boyfriend asked me to please come home so i did. With another bottle of wine. My dad called me while i was drunk. He told me his pet scan came back positive and he most likely has lung cancer. Or his prostate cancer spread to his lungs. Too soon to tell. My mom is being transferred to a skilled nursing facility for rehab. She is doing VERY good. Not even using oxygen anymore. My dad told me i need to be strong so i can take care of my mother when he leaves us. I feel emotionally gutted right now. The alcohol really didnt help. I am actually not beating myself up over this. I almost feel it was inevitable. I needed to go back for more to see. And drinking once in 21 months is pretty freaking good im thinking. I don’t know what is next. This depression is REAL. “Severe recurrent depression” is my diagnosis. I am going to do ayahuasca again. In all honesty i don’t think it helped much, long term anyway. But i am giving it one more go round before i make my final decision about it. I think it “not working” added to my depression. It was my last hope. Finding myself craving alcohol and suicidal again was disappointing to say the least. I need to be there for my parents. And i cant figure out how to be there for myself. I guess i need more therapy. It just seems like nothing ever works. @liberty u are right, it is an illusion. Drinking doesn’t bring happiness, and neither does not drinking. That is really profound. @jocord i am kind of against psychiatric drugs. Read a few books and researched them A LOT. “Anatomy Of An Epidemic” is a great one and opened my eyes up to the pharmaceutical industry a lot. If i believed in there effectiveness i would totally do it. But the research just doesn’t back up the claims of what these drugs do. One extremely interesting fact is disability for depression has sky rocketed…[Read more]

    • Oh @Jesss, you just have so much to handle. I’m sorry to hear about your Dad’s diagnosis. I think you are doing fantastically well to be staying sober during all this – never mind about the recent drinks. Maybe you should try with a therapist again. I suffered from terrible depression in my 29’s and therapy was critical for my recovery. Also, don’t give up on medication. My whole family has troubles with anxiety and depression. In addition to therapy, the medication has been really helpful. My sister in law is a psychiatrist who specializes in helping people with medications, so I have a lot of faith in its efficacy, since I trust and admire her a lot. I’m not a fan of the pharma industry either. That why we need skilled psychiatrists to help us find the right resources for us individually. Please take good care of yourself.

    • @Jess I can feel your pain pouring out through your post. I am sad for all you are going through BUT you are doing really well, keep talking. Sometimes I find just acknowledging the pain helps just a little. My thoughts are with you. Kia kaha.

    • What the others said @jesss. I do highly recommend you seek out some professional help, having someone who can help you navigate all that’s going on in a calm and learned fashion would be hugely helpful I think. Big hugs x

    • I’m glad you’re still here @Jesss! It’s pretty clear you are in a lot of pain and have been for quite some time. But it’s also clear you are, and have been, putting forth a tremendous effort to get past the pain and be the best person you can be. Your posts paint a picture of an intelligent, caring, funny person searching for answers. I hope you can find the right professional to help you. In the meantime please accept these hugs and know you are valued here. xoxo

    • Hey, @jesss – i am here listening/ reading your words, empathizing with you and your pain, know depression, know what you mean why not be a drunk when life sucks sometimes anyway, i always believe that there is something around the corner and when i get there, i want to be the person i want to be to enjoy it, not to work on being the person i want to be when i find what is around the corner. best to you, friend.

    • So much I want to say but I’ll have to save it for a bit later on & hope my brain is still functioning then. I second what @jocord says -& I know when I’m low it’s hard to take in kindness & compliments.
      But ❤❤❤❤

    • R51 replied 2 weeks ago

      Like sucks right now @Jesss and I’m so very sorry that it does right now. Please consider antidepressants. It took me several months. Actually and then more months to finally get my right concoction and I’ve been on them for years now. My dad did commit suicide and my mom drives the crazy bus when she’s not on her meds. I have a lot of people counting on me and I’m counting on myself now too. The meds keep me where I need to be. Sending sweet hugs and love to you my sweet sweet friend.

    • @jesss oh girl, I can sense exactly where you are at – it’s so hard. I know this sounds weird but one thing that really helps me get out of that severe depression (I get it too) is to go running or powerwalk or yoga. Just write a list of the things you need to do daily in order to take care of yourself – eat breakfast, do chores (minimal), do your exercises, journal a bit and make some calls to see if you can get in to talk to someone. You put yourself FIRST right now and the ability to support your folks will come. I’m sorry you are in this place I’m so familiar with – it sucks. Tomorrow is a new day. Decide what you are going to do in terms of taking care of yourself, get a good nights sleep, don’t beat yourself up and take it one step at a time. It’s pretty crazy how drinking while we are bummed is so attractive to numb out but it dang well never works does it? xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxx Big hugs from me to you from Washington!

    • Hey @jesss you need to move to NZ today, so that you don’t have to worry about 4th of July. Not a holiday for us, so you don’t have to think you are missing out. So much stuff going on, that isn’t going to go away whether you drink or don’t drink. I totally get that you are feeling unhappy that you don’t feel good from not drinking – I’ve been there too. Glad you are coming on here to share your feelings and thoughts, hope you can you move through this patch into a brighter one. One thing I read some time ago was that you are unlikely to get past a depressive period if you can’t find something to be hopeful about. Hope is one emotion that helps to keep our brains producing some good stuff – my way of doing this is to believe that one day I will travel again (right now I can’t because of disabled son, sick parents, not enough money) and while I feel frustrated that even without drinking I can’t have this I can believe that my turn will come again. Is there something you can look forward to, big or small?

    • Anyone would need support in your situation. It’s a really tough situation. Trying to handle both of your parents’ severe illnesses with your sister checked out on you is a brutal emotional load. So it’s no failure or weakness on your part that you’re feeling overwhelmed and old ways of reacting to that are loud now. Because you need support; it’s human to need support right now. You know?
      I’m not sure of the time difference so I hope you had or are having a good sleep, or about to. I’m too tired too order my thoughts…I wish you were already seeing a therapist so you had someone to lean on…I really relate to the feeling nothing will ever work. But what does work is connection. Sending love. xxx

    • So sorry that you are going through this rough patch @jesss, I hope you can find some relief from the sadness and depression. My depression really kicked in about a year after going AF. Eventually I talked with my wife and some friends and that helped turn things around, just having people to talk too, actually just them listening helped. I will hold good thoughts for you in my mind and heart. I am so glad you are here and I value you and your posts!

    • Sending warm thoughts and best wishes your way @jesss I don’t even know how I would begin to cope with what you’re going through right now! I’m glad you aren’t beating yourself up about drinking, but equally glad that you realise it’s not the answer. Keep strong and just take it moment by moment.

    • @Jess, I’m sorry you are going through so much. You’ve done great to realize that one relapse doesn’t mean you have to be committed to drinking.

      I won’t get into the whole pharm debate. But, two points I want to mention because they may apply to you and thus may help: (1) often, bipolar is overlooked when someone is coming in for depression treatment; treatment for bipolar is completely different and antidepressants can worsen things, so just look up the symptoms for bipolar 2 and see what you think; (2) about half the population have a genetic variation on the MTHFR gene; this can cause a person to have depletion of folate, b12, which can cause depression and other problems. Have your folic acid/ b12 AND homocysteine levels pulled. Most docs don’t do this. And, a b12 under 500 is still really too low. Oral supplementation of b12 is as effective as injection. If your homocysteine is high, get the MTHFR genetic test done and / or start l-methylfolate 15 mg daily (it’s a supplement).

  • Jesss posted an update 2 weeks, 1 day ago

    Alcohol is NOT the answer. Will post more later when i am feeling better.

    • Can’t wait to read your further thoughts!

    • Thinking of you @Jesss

    • Told myself this all evening and now I am contentedly sitting on my couch doing some art, watching comedy and drinking lemon water. Feeling much more calm in my spirit. Hope you will be as well <3

    • Great to see you pop up today @jesss! Sounds like you got bit by the demon dog. I figured as much when you said that you were polishing off the first bottle. Hope there wasn’t to much more to follow. The hangovers after having some sober time are excruciating. Sometimes we need a reminder of just where the true misery lies. I know that you’ve been super stressed and that what your dealing with is hard. Extremely hard. I went through the same thing a few years back but drank through it which made things a million times worse. I regret it today. Do you have any sober support groups near you? Human contact with like minds may be good for you during these difficult times. Feel for ya girl! Much love and prayers your way! xo

    • I hope you feel better soon, @Jesss. Back up on that horse you go, we’ll help! xo

    • Take care, lovely! Be nice to yourself today xx

    • Popped in to see if you’d posted – good to see you. Take care lovely. xx

  • Jesss posted an update 2 weeks, 2 days ago

    Day 632. Almost polished off a bottle of wine. Staring at the almost empty glass of my wine and realizing a bottle was never ever ever enough for me. I always want more more more. My boyfriend is with me. He did not support my decision but he knew i would do what i wanted no matter what. Why don’t i like sobriety? Why cant i just be happy? Wtf i don’t understand. Is this addiction? Depression? I dont know what to do anymore. Being a miserable sober person isnt any better then just being a drunk.

    • @jesss Please don’t be hard on yourself. 3 days ago your mother was in ICU and you’ve had a lot of uncomfortable situations to deal with. No, drinking will not help and you don’t have to continue but also don’t kick yourself. You’ve got all this sober time under your belt and at some point things will get better. Sending much love your way!!!!

    • I agree with @Lee , view this like a test , you have gone so many days sober , i get how you feel . But somehow i bet being sober brought you more peace than drinking did . Sending you a big hug . xx

    • You’re writing is remarkably clear for an almost finished bottle of wine! I know that pain that only drinking can take away. That’s how I fell last time. You have so many significant days! You can use them to help inform you in the up coming days. I had that gut punch feeling and my doctor prescribed Buspar for me to get through it this time instead of alcohol. I’d rather take a non-addictive drug once in a while than go back to drinking. You’ve been struggling off and on with your Dad, now Mom, and having some cravings off and on through all this stressful time. You’re tired. No wonder you drank. Now you need to find another coping tool. Talk to your doctor. Then we need to figure out why you’re sober and miserable. I asked a 20 year sober lady at an AA meeting why she kept going to meetings. She said because she didn’t want to be a SAM (sober and miserable). She filled up her life but kept going to meetings to keep her grateful and giving back helped her. Nobody wants to be a SAM. Be kind to yourself tonight. Jump back on the wagon tomorrow. We’ll be here for you. ❤️❤️❤️

    • I don’t know what it is, but I know there are many people who never drink, and are very happy. That’s where I want to get to; I’m not all the way there yet. But I believe I can do it. Some say it takes five years, I’m not sure that’s true for everyone. But I believe we can be AF and happy. Most of the time I am happy with it. Takes time. Choosing to be a drunk….is that a good decision?

    • I think either way it’s an illusion dear @jesss. Not drinking doesn’t create happiness & neither does drinking. Whether we drink or not, maybe that’s not what the issue is.
      It’s a good numbing agent though. Go gently on yourself, it’s been a brutal time lately. xxx

    • There’s no doubt, for me at least, that sadness and despair are much more painful sober. That’s why I love to drink- it numbed me and made things more tolerable. So don’t think there’s anything wrong with you if you haven’t been happy sober, especially if you’ve been facing difficult family challenges. So you drank a few glasses of wine, so what? It might’ve been extremely important that you try that solution to find that it doesn’t work for you anymore. And now move on, right?

    • So much good advice here. I really feel for you don’t be too hard on yourself xx

    • Big big hugs to you @jesss, this life is a journey and one day doesn’t erase the last two years. We are here for you lovely xoxo

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 2 days ago

    Congrats on 2 years of your journey @JR!🌸

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    Hi @frog. I understand the fuck its. Welcome back🌸

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 3 days ago

    What a lovely post. Thanks @mari135💗

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 4 days ago

    I hope the medical marijuana works out for u! I have been unsuccessful with conventional medicine myself. Really cool u are 47 days AF👍. Especially dealing with depression and your aging mother.

  • Jesss posted an update 2 weeks, 5 days ago

    Day 629. Hi everyone💗. I am having coffee then heading back to the hospital. It’s really tough seeing my mom sick! I am so happy she pulled through, but this is still a hard situation. They are trying to get her stabilized on regular oxygen which hasn’t quite happened yet. But it’s looking promising. All of my self care has evaporated since she went to the hospital 11 days ago. I need to start making time for myself again. My Dads Birthday is tomorrow, so i want to do something for him. Then he leaves mon for testing for his cancer. Then my boyfriend leaves. So it’s just me being there for my mom. My sister never went to see my mom. I am pretty convinced at this point alcohol has done some serious damage to her brain. Who doesn’t visit their mother in ICU? And who doesn’t see their 13 year old son for 2 years? There was a time she overdosed and was in a coma. The nurse told me that IF she woke up, she may not be “right”. She did wake up, and i am really starting to think the nurse was right. It’s tough doing this without a sister. I wish i had some compassion for her, but in all honesty it’s mostly anger. I wondered how she would be when things got serious with my parents, now i know. I am making myself do yoga tomorrow. Self care has to come back into my life. So crazy that when i need it most i drop it. At least i havent drank! I got that going for me….😳💗 love u all!!!!!💗💗💗💗

    • My brother did the same thing as your sister and his brain was never “right” after.. totally mad, his conversations used to annoy me.. In fact drugs got him in the end and at the age of 40 he passed away from a methadone overdose ..So I know how you feel towards your sister.. just look after YOU your sobriety is so important and your doing great. xx 629 days with everything you’ve got going on is outstanding. Keep posting @Jesss much love xx

    • HOLY COW @Jesss! Have you got A LOT on your plate! So sorry that you have to deal with all of that, but happy for you too in the sense that you’re dealing with it sober. You should be so very proud of yourself. I’ll be thinking of you and sending good karma and strength. I hope things start looking up.

    • Yep, self care for you is needed right away! My sis and I are tag teaming on my Mom right now but she is pissing me off, too. She’ll go during the week during the day while she is working but asks me to cover the weekends/evenings because she’s so stressed. Really because she wants to drink. Ah well, we can be proud of ourselves for not drinking and taking care of our Moms. Our memories will not be filled with shame. xoxo

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 6 days ago

    Go u with 90 days!!!👏👏👏

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 2 weeks, 6 days ago

    So great @sober4real. I hope u have a wonderful time with your father🌸🌸🌸.

  • Jesss posted an update 2 weeks, 6 days ago

    Update on my mom: she is out of ICU and doing better! I am so freaking happy!!!! She’s got a road of recovery in front of her but she keeps improving little by little! YAY!!!!!!!!!😀😀😀💗💗💗 What a rollercoaster this has been! I feel like we are on borrowed time now! She still has end stage COPD, but she’s not leaving me just yet and i could not be more grateful. I got a taste of what it will feel like when she leaves me. It was horrible. But i am just going to focus on today and appreciate my time with her! Holy crap what a week! Huge sigh of relief….

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks ago

    @jocord thanks for that ted talk. I really enjoyed it. Much appreciated!🌼🌼🌼

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks ago

    I think by the time u read this u will be 2 weeks sober….YAY!!!!🙌💪👏👍

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks ago

    341 rules @kitten!!!🌸🌸🌸

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks ago

    If that works for u and u can “control” your drinking that way i see no harm. That would work for me up until the point it just stopped working and i drank more then i planned. Which would inevitably happen. Are u looking to cut back for a while? I think drinking less is good no matter what! That would be playing with fire for me personally though. Have u read “This Naked Mind” by Annie Grace? Great book. She has a new one out i havent read with a 30 day challenge which i did do. Online. I think its called “The Alcohol Experiment”. I think becoming conscious of our drinking is the first step. And u seem to be there so i think that is great. Just stay safe!

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks ago

    I hear u and i love your honesty @freebreezi. Im almost 2 years and it has not been easy for me at all! But somhow the choice to not drink has won over yet this far….huge congrats on getting to your 5 year mark! That is so COOL!!!!

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks ago

    Sending some positive vibes your way @suze99🌸🌸🌸🌸

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks ago

    Hi @wheresmypurse. Such a fitting name! I used to lose my purse all the time! Wake up frantically searching for it, along with my phone and wallet. Ugh! My blackouts were dangerous. My mental health took a giant nose dive before i finally gave booze the boot. It just never gets any better drinking! But for some reason that was a very hard concept for me to grasp! Lol. Glad u are here! This place is fantastic and i dunno where i would be without the support of this group💗.

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks ago

    So sorry about your father @dennyd. I feel your pain! Hardest thing to go through ever. I hope u have a really good time with your hubby! U deserve a nice weekend.

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks ago

    Great message @liberty. I agree about momemtum. I think it’s what keeps me going actually. Don’t mess with it for sure!

    • Same-same @jesss, it’s its own special gift and superpower, right? Thanks for replying with all you have happening lovely one. xx

  • Jesss posted an update 3 weeks, 1 day ago

    Day 626. Hi crew. You guys are all just the absolute BEST! So i am actually doing this. Sober. I have had thoughts of drinking. But for some reason those thoughts don’t make as much since as the fact that i just don’t drink anymore. Even when shit gets really tough and hits the fan, it’s just not the solution. Anymore. Heading back to the hospital. My mom made some improvements yesterday. Trying not to get too excited and just stay level headed about it. I know every human being goes through this at some point in their life. But man, no matter how much u think it’s gonna hurt, absolutely nothing can prepare u for the reality of it. I love u guys. Thank u for helping me stay strong. 💗💗💗💪💪💪

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 2 days ago

    Thank u thank u thank u thank u everyone. I am praying for a miracle. @enzedgirl my dad is with me and my boyfriend changed his flight to London to back to fl to be with me.

  • Jesss posted an update 3 weeks, 2 days ago

    My mom is in ICU now. They don’t know if she is going to make it. I cant believe this is really happening. Heart attack, respiratory failure, dbl pneumonia, end stage copd. And just last week we were hanging out like no big deal. I don’t even understand. I am in a state of shock. Came home for a few hours. Feel like im losing my mind. My poor mom. She’s my best friend….

  • Jesss posted an update 3 weeks, 3 days ago

    Hi crew. First off thank u all SO much for your support! It just means the world to me. U guys are just the best. Im gonna respond to everyone about my post yesterday at a later time. We took my mom back to the hospital last night. She had been hallucinating and having a really hard tome breathing even with the oxygen. We just talked with the Dr. We decided on surgery tomorrow. There are risks. But the dr thinks the benefits outweigh the risks so we are moving forward with it. She has the sugery 9am tomorrow. The pneumonia is in both lungs. They are giving her ativan for her panic attacks. They think she is having alcohol withdrawl too. I am praying for her to pull through! Scared out of my mind and i hate seeing her like this! It is just awful and happened so fast. My dad has to leave town mon for his pet scan to see if his cancer is spreading too. This is freaking hard. And my boyfriend is leaving the country tomorrow. I can do this! No booze for me. Fuck that. Love u guys🌸🌸💗💗

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 4 days ago

    I didnt tag u above @sober4real

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 4 days ago

    Thanks so much for prayers for my mom! We will gladly take them! I admit i did initially take offense to your comment. (Guilty!). I basically read “go to AA and do the steps”. Which i have dabbled in that route for many many years. And no matter how hard i “try” it is just not for me. And that is OK! I love what @lee-2 said too. And it is in a controlled environment with facilitators helping every step of the way. They helped me SOOO much. I was crying tears of joy it felt so good to get rid of so many blockages. It sounds all woo-woo i know but it has made me a total believer in energy and how the body holds on to trauma and pain. Anyway, thanks for responding back. I am a HIGHLY sensitive lady, i was nervous posting this and as soon as i read your response i wanted to take it down! Lol. It’s a strange concept i know, taking a drug to help stop taking a drug! I spent a year researching it. Books, documentaries, youtube, case studies, articles. That day in the bar i just decided it was time. And im glad i did💗.

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 4 days ago

    Thanks so much @lee-2. I really appreciate your support💗

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 4 days ago

    @robynb thanks so much. I really appreciate your support! And thanks about my mom! I am going to see her shortly. She is not doing good my dad said😢. Having a really hard time breathing (even with oxygen) not eating and having some mental problems now. I keep getting excited she’s doing better then it seems to backtrack each time.

    • Hey @jesss I am praying for you Mom to get better. I don’t think there is a one size fits all for anyone when it comes to this drinking thing. I don’t think AA is for everyone – I don’t go anymore much either but I think writing things down can be helpful for anyone. I like what @lee-2 said about it being in a controlled environment and the focus of not doing harm. I’m very much interested in how it’s helping you so please let us know. I’m not judging at all and hope since you’ve known me for a while you know that fact. I’ve used techniques I’m sure not everyone would agree to either. If it’s helping you that’s great! xoxoxoxoxoxox

      • Thanks so much for prayers for my mom! We will gladly take them! I admit i did initially take offense to your comment. (Guilty!). I basically read “go to AA and do the steps”. Which i have dabbled in that route for many many years. And no matter how hard i “try” it is just not for me. And that is OK! I love what @lee-2 said too. And it is in a controlled environment with facilitators helping every step of the way. They helped me SOOO much. I was crying tears of joy it felt so good to get rid of so many blockages. It sounds all woo-woo i know but it has made me a total believer in energy and how the body holds on to trauma and pain. Anyway, thanks for responding back. I am a HIGHLY sensitive lady, i was nervous posting this and as soon as i read your response i wanted to take it down! Lol. It’s a strange concept i know, taking a drug to help stop taking a drug! I spent a year researching it. Books, documentaries, youtube, case studies, articles. That day in the bar i just decided it was time. And im glad i did💗.

      • I didnt tag u above @sober4real

      • Awwww @jesss you know I adore you! No, that’s not what I meant about the AA thing. I don’t even go anymore. I do think that some of the writing helps that’s all. I also totally understand taking a drug to help preventing taking another….where would we be in the medical field had we not done that right? I mean what about those of us in serious withdrawals that need valium to detox? Makes perfect sense. And now marijuana is legal that can help people too in many ways. I’m open to whatever works for people so long as it is not causing further harm. I’m happier than I’ve been in years now and I’m not always conventional. I think we are all sensitive hahahaha! It’s a trait many of us share (guilty here!!! hahhahaa). I can understand when you hit that bottom thinking of ending it all when you are freaking 2 years in sobriety and don’t feel better you will try anything. I’m glad it helped you. You are such a lovely lady. Just keep on doing the things that make you feel stronger and healthier! Sorry if my initial response seemed like I was being closed minded. I’m definitely an open minded person especially when it comes to what others do. I just care about you!! xoxoxoxoxox

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 4 days ago

    I appreciate your response @sober4real. The steps and AA are definitely not for me. I am doing psychadelic recovery coaching integration weekly online. It is a way different approach to addiction and feels more “right” for me. Different strokes for different folks. As far as getting addicted to ayahuasca, it is not a pleasurable experience. In fact it was painful and very hard! But it definitely cleared me of things that modern medicine and therapy just have not been able to do. It seems to have anti-addictive properties from reading the research that is being done on it today. The steps may be the vehicle of healing for some, but not all. And not for me…..

    • Hey, @jess. I heard about that on NPR and was curious about it. I don’t think you should feel apprehensive about sharing, but I DO understand feeling apprehensive about sharing anything so personal💜. Glad your mom is home.

  • Jesss posted an update 3 weeks, 4 days ago

    Day 623. Hi crew! My mom is finally home and recouping. She didn’t leave the hospital the day i had posted she was going to. Her blood pressure dropped pretty low and she was having trouble breathing. They got her stabilized and she went home last night. She is on oxygen now. Feel bad for her but so happy she is home and recovering. I was so worried about her. I still am. But knowing she is home helps. My boyfriend has been super supportive through all of this. He actually changed his ticket to NY to stay with me this weekend. We are actually broken up too! But remain best friends. It’s complicated! He leaves tonight. Having thoughts of getting wine when he leaves! Ugh. I hate these thoughts. Going to do my best not to act on them. They are just thoughts. They will pass. I did something i didn’t tell u guys about. Last month i went to an ayahuasca retreat. I was hoping to get some relief from my suicidal thoughts. I have done loads of research on the subject of psychadelics helping ppl with addictions/depression ect. Anyway i decided it was time. And i did it. It helped. A lot. It was not a perfect cure all, but it is a tool. I did not come to this decision lightly. I tried EVERYTHING first. Meds, therapy, accupuncture, yoga, meditation, neurofeedback, amino acids and i switched my diet to plant based. It was kind of a last resort type thing. I found myself sitting in a bar contemplating drinking and committing suicide. Again. Instead of going back down that rabbit hole i booked the retreat instead. I healed a lot of things that weekend. Ayahuasca takes u right into your “stuff”. Right smack into your subconscious. It was intense. And painful. I went right into my anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. And went through it with the help of the facilitators there. I released stuff that weekend. It was surreal. Being around a group of ppl all being raw and real and working on their healing was amazing too. We did breathwork and yoga too. I am going back in…[Read more]

    • @jesss I was going to say what a trip but….. LOL. I’ve heard of that being a thing now. My concern is that it is easy to get addicted to anything. Even that particular experience. I’m sorry you’ve had issues with feeling grounded. You know it takes time in recovery. For some people 2 full years to get everything out of their system depending on what they were using. Mental health is tricky and different for everyone that’s for sure. Personally, I can’t advocate for those types of things but what works for one person may not work for another so to each their own. I think it’s great that you are best friends with your ex. That says a lot. My only concern for you is that using a psychedelic might trigger your cravings in other areas even more intensely. Please watch out and be aware of that fact okay? Keep us posted on how it’s going. There are no quick fixes for these things that’s for sure. We have to walk through a lot of things and that’s what step work is for in AA. I can tell you being 100% sober not on anything that if you work the steps with a sponsor that is experienced you will experience intense relief every single time. You must already know exactly the things that are getting to you from the past so why not try to work a 4th step in conjunction with this other stuff? I have found some of the biggest reasons for relapse in my 25 years in the program on/off has been not working the steps and staying sober from alcohol but not other things. The steps are the vehicle to healing. xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

      • I appreciate your response @sober4real. The steps and AA are definitely not for me. I am doing psychadelic recovery coaching integration weekly online. It is a way different approach to addiction and feels more “right” for me. Different strokes for different folks. As far as getting addicted to ayahuasca, it is not a pleasurable experience. In fact it was painful and very hard! But it definitely cleared me of things that modern medicine and therapy just have not been able to do. It seems to have anti-addictive properties from reading the research that is being done on it today. The steps may be the vehicle of healing for some, but not all. And not for me…..

        • Hey, @jess. I heard about that on NPR and was curious about it. I don’t think you should feel apprehensive about sharing, but I DO understand feeling apprehensive about sharing anything so personal💜. Glad your mom is home.

    • Great to hear your mom is home and your getting some relief @Jesss. I can see how this form of treatment would work in a controlled environment. It’s ancient and can be successful. I think that your very brave for trying it. I am all for whatever works for us. Just as long as it’s not potentially addictive or can create bodily harm.

    • @robynb thanks so much. I really appreciate your support! And thanks about my mom! I am going to see her shortly. She is not doing good my dad said😢. Having a really hard time breathing (even with oxygen) not eating and having some mental problems now. I keep getting excited she’s doing better then it seems to backtrack each time.

      • Hey @jesss I am praying for you Mom to get better. I don’t think there is a one size fits all for anyone when it comes to this drinking thing. I don’t think AA is for everyone – I don’t go anymore much either but I think writing things down can be helpful for anyone. I like what @lee-2 said about it being in a controlled environment and the focus of not doing harm. I’m very much interested in how it’s helping you so please let us know. I’m not judging at all and hope since you’ve known me for a while you know that fact. I’ve used techniques I’m sure not everyone would agree to either. If it’s helping you that’s great! xoxoxoxoxoxox

        • Thanks so much for prayers for my mom! We will gladly take them! I admit i did initially take offense to your comment. (Guilty!). I basically read “go to AA and do the steps”. Which i have dabbled in that route for many many years. And no matter how hard i “try” it is just not for me. And that is OK! I love what @lee-2 said too. And it is in a controlled environment with facilitators helping every step of the way. They helped me SOOO much. I was crying tears of joy it felt so good to get rid of so many blockages. It sounds all woo-woo i know but it has made me a total believer in energy and how the body holds on to trauma and pain. Anyway, thanks for responding back. I am a HIGHLY sensitive lady, i was nervous posting this and as soon as i read your response i wanted to take it down! Lol. It’s a strange concept i know, taking a drug to help stop taking a drug! I spent a year researching it. Books, documentaries, youtube, case studies, articles. That day in the bar i just decided it was time. And im glad i did💗.

        • I didnt tag u above @sober4real

        • Awwww @jesss you know I adore you! No, that’s not what I meant about the AA thing. I don’t even go anymore. I do think that some of the writing helps that’s all. I also totally understand taking a drug to help preventing taking another….where would we be in the medical field had we not done that right? I mean what about those of us in serious withdrawals that need valium to detox? Makes perfect sense. And now marijuana is legal that can help people too in many ways. I’m open to whatever works for people so long as it is not causing further harm. I’m happier than I’ve been in years now and I’m not always conventional. I think we are all sensitive hahahaha! It’s a trait many of us share (guilty here!!! hahhahaa). I can understand when you hit that bottom thinking of ending it all when you are freaking 2 years in sobriety and don’t feel better you will try anything. I’m glad it helped you. You are such a lovely lady. Just keep on doing the things that make you feel stronger and healthier! Sorry if my initial response seemed like I was being closed minded. I’m definitely an open minded person especially when it comes to what others do. I just care about you!! xoxoxoxoxox

    • Thank goodness you didn’t take it down! Thank you so much for sharing, it is very interesting indeed. (Even for those who would freak out at anything substance oriented, there can be no judgement from us -we were obsessed with the most toxic, addictive, legal drug there is. +
      hundreds – well 1,000s in USA, die from legally prescribed drugs every year. Go figure)
      It is remarkable if your migraine and racing heart are gone and calmed. Did they give strategies to hold onto this change in your poor stressed body?

    • Glad your Mum is home but sorry to hear she is still struggling-she’ll be glad you’re there for her. Its normal to worry so just sit with the those feelings until they subside, do the yoga breathing. And it’s OK the boy is leaving doesn’t mean you need to drink….. Hey google where Bluff is in NZ. My good friend went from there all the way to Peru to do the ayahuasca. She totally raves about it. My guy and I watched a lot of intervention and drug inc. Programs on tv when we first stopped drinking – fuck how did you get it down your throat? It looks so yucky. Did it make you sick? I just don’t think I could drink it. The effects are so extreme (and this is coming from someone who has tried a lot of drugs). I have a really weak stomach lol. My mate can’t wait to get back – its a LOOOOONG expensive way away from here. Oh she did have a bad experience with a guide that was taking her into the forest. Keep yourself safe!
      I’m interested to hear how you get on with the forest medicine.
      Good on you for trying and researching and looking for the help you need. Nothing comes to us handed on a plate, dreaming that things will change without actually trying anything is a fools game.
      ❤️

    • Wow @jesss that sounds amazing . I’m sorry to hear your mum hasn’t been well. I hope she continues to recover well. Your alcohol day count is so admirable lovely. Tell that wine witch to buggar off next time she features in your head lovely. ❤️❤️

    • Hi dear @jesss, glad to know your Mum is home, I’ve been wondering how she was doing.
      I appreciate you posting about your Ayahuasca experience. I’ve researched it a lot too and if it was closer to this place I would be willing to try it. 100% relate to the desperation around habitual thoughts and feelings that just won’t shift. I’m SO delighted for you that this was helpful and admire your bravery trying it.
      Although the draw of intensity might itself be a bit of a hook, I understand it’s physically a pretty uncomfortable experience (vomiting etc) so unlikely to be addictive in that way. I think it’s wonderful it worked for you and thanks for posting about it. xxx

    • Hi @Jesss, I’m all for whatever works. I watched Chelsea Handler when she did ayahuasca and it looked terrifying. But it did seem to help her and her friends let go of issues. After being a case manager for the VA, I say screw the anti-depressants and go straight to ganglion nerve blocks and psylocybin! That’s magic mushrooms. Have you considered finding a therapist here who will give you a dose in a controlled environment rather than going all that way? It’s more prevalent here now. Or I know people who micro-dose lsd . As far as I know, lsd is not an addictive drug. But, I wasn’t a drug user so I’m not really up on street drugs. So sorry about your Mom! xoxo

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 4 days ago

    Huge congrats to u!!!👏👏👏🎊🎊🎊

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    I hear yah @deester. I am in the process of figuring out my life too. I totally get the long hallway with no door analogy. The massage and chocolate cake sounds like a fantastic way to treat yourself!!!👍👍👍

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    387 is a fabulous number @malibustacey!!!☺☺☺

  • Jesss posted an update 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    If all else fails, have icecream for breakfast😂😂😂 (Ben & Jerry’s Non-Dairy PB & Cookies☺☺😊😊)

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    Awesome u are doing good @newstart100! I agree about therapy. The key is definitely finding the right therapist for sure. Im glad it’s going well for u. I hope u have a fantastic road trip with your daughter! I hate we have to give reasons for not ingesting a poisonous addictive carcinogen. I wonder if i would be balsy enough to say to someone “i decided to stop poisoning myself.” I respect your honesty very much Amy! No shame in your game!👍👍👍

    • Thank you @Jesss! I agree about the idea that we have to explain why we don’t poison ourselves anymore – not sure if I’ll be asked or not, but if I am I’ll be ready! xo

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    Thanks so much @sober4real. U inspire me!🌸🌸🌸🌸

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    Your so sweet @r51. I appreciate your kind words! I love your thoughts on the “normies”. It’s so true we just never lnow what the other person is dealing with! Jealousy is so dumb! Thanks again🌸🌸🌸

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    Thanks @lucy. I have the day off tomorrow. Cant wait. I appreciate your support!

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    I hear u @juliana. Thanks so much🌸

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    Thanks @newstart100! And i know u are right….

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    Thanks so much @deester. I appreciate your thoughts💗.

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    Thanks @kitten. And yup my family drinks! And smokes! And everyone gets sick from it and leaves the “party” early. I appreciate your kind words. They mean a lot. Thank u. 🌸🌸🌸

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    Happy Anniversary @jocord! Annd 14 months no booze! Fabulous!👏👏👏💗💗🌼🌼🌼

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    Congrats on 8 months @sober4real! So great u get to go spend time with your dad. And how cool he is sober too! I hope your time with him is special. Im so sorry about the cancer. It’s just never fair🌸🌸🌸💗💗💗.

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 6 days ago

    I hope u got through your cravings @nessibnzl. I know how hard they can be! It always feels so good to come out on the other side of them though!💪

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 6 days ago

    Awesome @r51!👏👏🌸

  • Jesss posted a new activity comment 3 weeks, 6 days ago

    U are doing amazing @kitten🌸🌸🌸

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