I haven’t posted on here for a while now, although I do pop on occasionally to find out how everyone is. I had a rough morning. I visited my Dad at his care home. He has Alzheimer’s, every time I visit him I end up publicly crying and then feeling ashamed. It is not just due to seeing him so frail and so lost looking, it is also due to my Mum having passed away from cancer a few years ago and that our relationship with her was difficult and I am coming to realise and admit that she was abusive. I have always felt things very strongly, have always wanted to feel a sense of belonging, but feel some of that was robbed from me early on in life. I have wonderful friends, and a husband who loves me dearly. But there was a little hole in my heart which I tried to fill up with alcohol and forget. I am 118 days sober, but some days I still want to just drown my emotions briefly in wine. Today was one of those days. There was alcohol in the fridge, and in the wine rack (my husband drinks). I didn’t do it. I cried, I felt awful, I hugged my two dogs, and told myself it would pass. It always passes. The days and nights are better without my drug of choice. It’s our brave, brave choice when we can say ‘no’, but it’s not easy to resist, and not everyone understands that. This is why this place (Living Sober) is so valuable – here for us when we are vulnerable, and here for us when we are in a more triumphant place too. “What’s the greater risk? Letting go of what people think – or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?” – Brené Brown
@jenb I’m so happy you stayed true to yourself. I can’t count how many times I drank to fill that hole and for emotional reasons- mainly not wanting to feel what I feel. I salute you for staying sober with booze in the house. In the beginning I couldn’t have done myself so very cool. After a while the emotions change as we work on this in sobriety. I made a lot of progress with childhood issues when I was at 5 years. Keep up with it and it will happen. xoxo
Do not feel ashamed for crying, sounds like a really hard time and you are allowed to cry… you are allowed to feel awful and it’s great that you know this will pass. You are right, it is a brave choice to say no, and although we know it’s the right choice that doesnt always make it easy. Take care, hoping you have a brighter day tomorrow… big hugs!
Oh you poor sweet thing. You’re carrying a big load there. It’s painful to come to terms with stuff like that. I’m just starting take that kind of crap out and really look at it. It’s hard and it hurts! It’s taken 118 days to get – but 119 will pass and you will get stronger and clearer. Be kind to yourself. Good thoughts are with you.
@imetvegeta I am sorry that you are feeling depressed. Rest assured that you are supported here, as many of us have experienced or are experiencing this illness. Remember that heavy drinking causes depression and anxiety to worsen, especially over time. I hope that you have supportive people around you, and a doctor who can put you in touch with a great counsellor as talk therapy can work wonders without the side effects of medication if that is a concern. ❤️
It feels like ages since I posted, and yet it was only 8 days ago. Just had half a sleeping pill as am not sleeping well. I have been sober for 93 days now and it’s starting to feel quite surreal. Sometimes I look back on my drinking and wonder how I ever thought I was coping? Does anyone else look in the mirror at the sober version of themselves and feel a bit conflicted? I’m not unhappy, just a bit too comfortable and I guess I’m not used to it! Cognitive dissonance much?!
@JenB I identify with this. For me, I couldn’t accept the healthy, non-puffy, clear-skinned image of myself in the mirror. I didn’t feel like I deserved it. Don’t do what I did, which is to drink again after periods of sobriety! (back on track now)
Oh dear this is not within positive guidance recommendations- this needs to be addressed with the Principle, and I wonder how much communication has been had with the boy’s parents. Perhaps the Ministry of Education needs to get involved and provide the right support as it does not seem from what you have shared that they were acting appropriately at all 😬🤭
Good on you – I am sure many of us felt the urge to drink this weekend. We go back to old coping mechanisms sometimes when it all gets too much. Thinking of our Muslim community and all of us together. Sometimes there are no words xxx ❤️
Tough day visiting my Dad’s care home (he has Alzheimer’s) I felt the urge to drink, but got home cried and cried and then made a cup of tea. Feel relieved, relieved I didn’t listen to that voice which tells you to go for it, that you need it, that you can’t cope without it. I did it, I’m still sad, but I’m not drunk and sad and there is no guilt or regret. Going to call it a win 🙏🏼
My mum has it too, she’s in a care facility down in Sydney – 4 hours away. I try and visit once a month or 2 but geez it’s awful. We were very lucky, it was a very smooth transition, moving her in there (not for my sister and I though). Funny this came up cos I was just thinking about mum tonight while I was cooking dinner. I thought I’d love to call her for a chat, but then remembered she’s not my mum anymore, you know what I mean. No matter how old we are, I’m sure we all want our mums sometimes. Anyway, well done for getting through it sober, its tough. xx
So glad you hung in there, I work with dementia patients and Alzheimer’s is the hardest of all to deal with for families. Does your Dads facility have a program for family members? If they do it might be good to take part a few times.
I’m thinking of you @jenb – my Dad is terminal right now and I went through the dementia homes with my Grandma – it’s so hard. It’s just okay to cry, let it out but then carry on with taking care of yourself.
Hmmm first time in a while that I felt a really strong urge to drink 😔. It was day back at University in ten years, and the systems have changed to an online format that’s going to take me a while to learn how to navigate. I was feeling stressed about getting my ‘head in the game’ and then discovered my laptop bag had a melted chocolate bar in it which got on my devices and notes. Not a good start, and then one of my fellow students was rather patronising – telling me that the paper was not worth me being so eager about because ‘they give you points just for showing up’. Felt emotional driving home and drove slowly past the bottle shop, with that inner voice telling me – ‘you can’t do it, you made a big mistake, you might as well just go back to drinking’. I kept driving. I didn’t act on the voice, I just acknowledged it and as I write the moment feels fleeting and the urge is losing it’s power. Just need calm and quiet, and want to wake in a better frame of mind tomorrow 😢
Hey @jenb that is such a huge WIN for the day. Every time you acknowledge the urge and choose sobriety you are changing the reward systems in your brain. So relish in the reward of feeling powerful and brave and self-caring! Well done.
That’s so strong of you to acknowledge that thought and then not act on it, not get sucked into that conversation in your head that will lead you down a path you know you dont want to go! Great strength ❤️
Oh yeah, son’t be so eager to learn for heaven’s sake, just do the points counting. What a sad attitude to learning – I love the thought of you being eager, (I am a compulsive, enthusiastic learner) and I so identify with the melted chocolate bar – omg, are we twins or what?! Do you half do up lids?
@enzedgirl and those that attended our catch up – thank you so much for a lovely get together. Everyone so welcoming, kind and accepting, and I lost my initial nervousness really quickly. It is these times that you realise you are not alone in your internal battles with ‘the booze’ and that there is strength in our shared experience and empathy. Thanks guys! Xx
Feeling so content today. Went to have a ‘cheap and cheerful’ dinner at our local Indian Restaurant last night, and it was a revelation! They had delicious non-alcoholic drinks (a much wider selection than some places) but also I noticed something about the meal…I loved the taste much more sober than I ever did whilst drinking. All the spices and flavour. It was interesting to reflect on as a few other meals at restaurants I had been back to since I became sober, were disappointing. I realised that sometimes I had been so busy drinking wine or cocktails that the food wasn’t appreciated – I hadn’t really paid attention to the taste, and perhaps I didn’t like it as much as my bleary brain thought I had! I am all in to eat mindfully, to appreciate taste more, not to rush as much and to discover what I actually like rather than what resturant has the ‘best’ wine list or cocktails.
Great observation @jenb!! I also notice flavors a lot more now that I’m not dulling my senses with bottles of wine. =) Your Indian dinner sounds fantastic! Now I’m craving tikka masala and naan bread. =)
Well done on day 40 and particularly during such a stressful time with the fires. It’s such a good feeling to get through tough times and know we can do it without alcohol – I read that Alcohol actually increases levels of anxiety and depression rather than relieving them like I used to think it did! Xx ❤️
Hi @robynb and @Jes thanks for the feedback – I usually only drink a glass at a time and I will be checking the percentage too just in case as I heard the longer you store it the hight the percentage can get. Thanks x