20.3.2016 .I felt I had to change my profile. I am now sat Day 248nd I am comfortably stoked at myself, my sobriety. I have had this huge mindshift over the last 7 days,after coming out a "bad" patch that lasted for Mmm a wee while.! I have been reading a book that I know has helped with this shift. I now know, that really I was taking no self responsibility at all for my boozing,it was always due to something/someone else,not me - wtf. I would say,oh I do want to give up,nah I loved the taste,feeling, the haziness it gave me. I don't think I have really said that out loud! The Rational Recovery text has given me so many light bulb moments into my drinking addiction. Not obsession, but addict. I have always wanted to say, when I have stopped drinking,I am recovered. I need to remain ever vigilant for my seductive for my ruthless, very convincing "beast" At present it is,at times,a persistent companion, being very sneaky to catch me out by saying,"go on you are doing so well" wtf piss off! BUT I am getting very good at recognising this addictive voice-my "beast". It's a big bastard ya know,But I am BIGGER. I am beating this. Completing this one big hurdle will allow me to work on other areas,that need just as much work. I am me,I am taking back my life,and being responsible for me. Have overcome twin nieces weddings,huge milestone,hugely emotional as well,trip to U.K,all massive to me bUT i dI'd it. But so proud of self.
HAVE FINALLY MADE IT BACK HOME! It has been a real hard 2.5 years,lots of anger,tears,sad,
sick,disheartened. It has been a farkn hell of a ride,not a journey,but Mt Everest,not yet reached the summit. I still get sad when I think about my son and granddaughter I haven't seen and she is now a year old. The pain will never leave me I don't think. Still scared of picking up big time as at times don't feel strong yet still thonk of Ratonal Recovery. The fact I am literally scared of my health does keep thoughts semi at bay. Short term memory fucked. Like everyone I do get tired of the fight,at times I am not really grateful to have stopped. But it is a case of I have to. Can't really answer why not grateful. I had a blip in April,so now not counting days but in my diary really. It has been an emotional Rollercoaster this year-final straw was my job-which I so loved. I love this site,think I would be still drinking without it. Said many times,thank-you Lotta. Many times over the year I have felt,quietly suicidal,however that has been all through my life. But I get on here and the thought eases. I think it has been the incredible aloneness of my situation. God how I vented early days here. Since being home I have had no tears,yay,man so helps. Having 2 DIC also keeps booze bastard at bay. Ha spells dick Mmm right there. So I hope onward and upward-life can be different. It is sooo nice being back amongst friends! God, supportive ones at that. Random thought, have never noticed change of seasons but now I am-that for me is cool. I have my fatbum (dog) I have my man, i have this site, what more could a chick ask for? And you all are my cyber friends. Thank god. Anyway peace out all. Love to each and everyone of you. Xo
@marmite just thought i would post as u and i nearly at 2 yr mark, fark me lol. Went to see my A&D councellor today, yes still after 2 yrs lol But most got out of it was this, yes @prudence @endzedgirl @bondi and others plus newbies. We talked about how strong is my resolve to stay sober and yes i said its there i could drink again, despite fact my relationship would be down gurgler, ability to work down the drain, bipolar and mania hit with vengence, probably hospital visit!!! I found it interesting, with her saying there are always triggers in daily life, specially with me working fulltime for 16 ws. I said thats the reason why i still see you and yes am luckey, yet again with councellor, who believes in me and ability to work through this issue. I thinked i would ne fucked without a councellor yes been seeing them since 18, now 44 coming up 45, and really no break, yes different ones and all have been fab. Anywhoo just thpught it interesting my thought process, lol she sent me for blood test. Crak up she said your liver function not too hot anyway, but lets check B12. Jesus wept lol if i owned a pub i would drink the profits, even now . We spoke about antabuse which still on, and that takes away the fact i am not/can not acknowledge my triggers, no matter how small. My triggers arent boredom or loneliness but something a little more in depth then that aye. I am not/do not get bored,as i fill up my day, i niw do not get lonely, so what could it be, for fucks sake i dont know lol. Not even at times does the thought of seizures in my withdrawal, does not say pick up.! Just find it wierd as i am a well educated with a career or 2 up my sleeve plus working towards another plus pretty articulate. What do ya reckon also @morgan and @noelle. Anyway its cooled down time for fatbums slow walk. Man here tonight, camping tomorrow lol and fatbum has her own puptent. Really should be geriatric tent, poor bitch. Peace out.
Ooh @janus2 you are so cool! Big congrats on that 2 year mark. Always a fab inspiration for me and god you do make me chuckle often which I have really appreciated after a hard day. Enjoy weekend. Hope fatbum has treats in the pup tent! ❤️❤️
Not quite sure what the queston is @Janus2 but I am assuiming it is “why do you still have the desire to drink after all this time and when you know it will ruin you life as well as probably end it fairly quickly?” Good old blunt old @Prudence eh!!! Well my answer is probably not helpful. My answer is that we probably all have a latent desire to drink. Just coz we gave it up doesn’t mean we don’t still crave it sometimes, crave it fiercely even, sometimes. I do. Giving it up means we are super smart waihines, tough, stauch, brave, wise, fricking awsome. Our intelligence made a call to live a better ife and reap the rewards of that better life. Our intelligence tells us we would be shit arse dumb bitches if we started it up again. Our wisdom tells us that cravings dont’ kill you, they are put there to remind you that you need to stay on our toes, keep working on ourselves, do not become complacent. What you are doing by seeing adn talking with your counsellor is being vigilant, being honest, reaching out, acknowledging the desire is still there, but also empowering yourself at the same time. Re-inforcing to yourself all you would lose if you were to take it up again. I personally think you are propbably the biggest hero on here, you and @Iowadawn and @Ellislou and @Ro . All of you, and many others too, I know, have had such huge adversity in your lives since I have known you, I take my hat off and bow at your feet, all of you. You are a survivor @Janus2 , you do what you need to do in order to surviive. And if you get 4 or 5 weeks into your teaching job and feel overwhelmed about the other 12 still to go, you speak up, no one will die if you asks them to find someone else. Just know that going into it. Don’t worry about it now, whatever way it feels it is all going to be okay. Hae a cool time with your lovely man camping….does he wear his supermarket undies around the campsite? xoxo
Lol yup pretty much what you all said, little scared of relapse. Yes your right @prudence can say too much work. I think the thing that got me thinking was at last school just finished at principal asked me to do whole school swim teach from 1.30 then do privates. Its like yes i do but then its like shit i also need my time for my so impirtant exercise before early march when i start fulltime. Antwhoo councellor got me thinking. Gunna bring it up with man lol in our farkn tent and see what he says. Thanks all. Xo
Good old Prudence and her wisdom @janus2. I too take my hat off to you, your struggles have been great and you have managed with determination and your sick humour, plus Fatbum and your amazing man. I know it would be very easy to pick up a wine, but I know I won’t because I won’t give up all the wonderful things and people I have in my life now. Enjoy your camping and keep doing what you are doing because it ismworking and we love you and we need you here. Xoxo
@janus2, congrats on getting so close to two year mark. interesting that you are talking about triggers. I cannot identify mine, I just know that I could easily just find myself one night just sipping on the beer and then sipping some more the next night and then my doctor would say again… let’s just check your liver. and then a few years would past and then i would hate myself some more and then i would have the same life that just wrapped around when i would get the next drink. when you look at day one to your day today, life different? i have been here just a short bit. have a great day.
You get to two years and there’s some satisfaction looking back on all the hurdles jumped. And you’ve had to jump more of them and higher ones than me I’d say. Sure has been great having you around, Janus and I think those schools are fortunate to have you. I’m jealous of the camping, we have our first trip of the season reserved in a Michigan state park in May, on the shore of Lake Michigan. Nice park. I’ve been thinking lately that the window is starting to close on my wilderness canoe trips. Don’t like to think that way though. It’s incentive to try to stay in shape. I’ve been saying I’m getting to old for it since I was 50, almost sixteen years ago.