20.3.2016 .I felt I had to change my profile. I am now sat Day 248nd I am comfortably stoked at myself, my sobriety. I have had this huge mindshift over the last 7 days,after coming out a "bad" patch that lasted for Mmm a wee while.! I have been reading a book that I know has helped with this shift. I now know, that really I was taking no self responsibility at all for my boozing,it was always due to something/someone else,not me - wtf. I would say,oh I do want to give up,nah I loved the taste,feeling, the haziness it gave me. I don't think I have really said that out loud! The Rational Recovery text has given me so many light bulb moments into my drinking addiction. Not obsession, but addict. I have always wanted to say, when I have stopped drinking,I am recovered. I need to remain ever vigilant for my seductive for my ruthless, very convincing "beast" At present it is,at times,a persistent companion, being very sneaky to catch me out by saying,"go on you are doing so well" wtf piss off! BUT I am getting very good at recognising this addictive voice-my "beast". It's a big bastard ya know,But I am BIGGER. I am beating this. Completing this one big hurdle will allow me to work on other areas,that need just as much work. I am me,I am taking back my life,and being responsible for me. Have overcome twin nieces weddings,huge milestone,hugely emotional as well,trip to U.K,all massive to me bUT i dI'd it. But so proud of self.
HAVE FINALLY MADE IT BACK HOME! It has been a real hard 2.5 years,lots of anger,tears,sad,
sick,disheartened. It has been a farkn hell of a ride,not a journey,but Mt Everest,not yet reached the summit. I still get sad when I think about my son and granddaughter I haven't seen and she is now a year old. The pain will never leave me I don't think. Still scared of picking up big time as at times don't feel strong yet still thonk of Ratonal Recovery. The fact I am literally scared of my health does keep thoughts semi at bay. Short term memory fucked. Like everyone I do get tired of the fight,at times I am not really grateful to have stopped. But it is a case of I have to. Can't really answer why not grateful. I had a blip in April,so now not counting days but in my diary really. It has been an emotional Rollercoaster this year-final straw was my job-which I so loved. I love this site,think I would be still drinking without it. Said many times,thank-you Lotta. Many times over the year I have felt,quietly suicidal,however that has been all through my life. But I get on here and the thought eases. I think it has been the incredible aloneness of my situation. God how I vented early days here. Since being home I have had no tears,yay,man so helps. Having 2 DIC also keeps booze bastard at bay. Ha spells dick Mmm right there. So I hope onward and upward-life can be different. It is sooo nice being back amongst friends! God, supportive ones at that. Random thought, have never noticed change of seasons but now I am-that for me is cool. I have my fatbum (dog) I have my man, i have this site, what more could a chick ask for? And you all are my cyber friends. Thank god. Anyway peace out all. Love to each and everyone of you. Xo
First up lol @iowadawn pleases dont get little bit jeally lol. @prudence@marmite i dont know how i caught such a good man, really and truely i dont. Today he rang and said he know i hated the house sharing with others but he needed somewhere as his work is under new ownership so bit fraught at the mo. So he has said that each weekend i dont need to stay and he will take me somewhere else, so this weekend am camping at a bay in Malborough sounds, following wkend a lodge at cracker island of Lochmara bay. Next ones he said will be a surprise. Jesus wept i have put him through so much of my shit. How do i.? Today while swim teaching at the school pool got contract at, found out got only 25 kids wtf never had that before, normally around 34. Told them mate you could actually get them flying. Niw super excited to see the growth i can make, only thing is got professional development in Feb, omg thats so farkn yawny But hey its $. Oh @liberty check out Derry Girls and sex education and Sinner on netflix, not sure you will like 1st 2, but it was right up my alley. I looked at flowers but still not sure. Oh what did you do with puntface today.? Hope you curled your lip at him 😉 anyway time to walk fatbum. I walk her round thos park that is full of plum trees and theyr all dropping jesus wept i have a feast. Peace out ewes lot xo
He sure sounds like a keeper @janus2. What a great idea to go away each weekend. Love those plum trees – just a shame they drop all of the fruit so quickly. Can’t keep up! (or the birds get them first)
Aw, your man. It’s so good to know you’ve got a goodie. 🙂 You guys got me through today. @janus2 I’ve got Derry girls on my list and loved Sinner. Flowers took me a while too, it’s kind of desperately sad and I couldn’t get how I was meant to laugh at it but by end of series 1 was a convert. 2nd series has BiPolar. Also like W1A a lot – on demand – not sure it’ll float your boat but I reckon anyone who’s worked in a big institution would get it. xxx
Wow, what fun. Mine has been full of good surprises lately – soooo left field. Love it. Not quite at your man’s level, but small things are enough for me – seem magnificent after the hopeless, narcissistic predecessors 😉
Ahhhh…@Morgan and @janus2…NICEEEEE☺ I am so happy for you beauties and you girls deserve the best!!! So janus2 you would be proud of me…I ..um…over phone call and follow up text laid it on the line with my loveeeeee. Just tonight, I did. It was good and raw and insightful. He was a dick on the phone(moments) but Morgan..he was in Afganistsn! Than..BAM unfair court. I feel heartbroken for him but DAMN IM HURTING TO. I told him he should truly take a look at himself and how sad he allows me and my 17 and 14 year olds slip away. That we are a great family. My unofficial fiance is “needing time” but he loves me but needing to chill. Well…court was over months ago. Move ON. I am hurting and he makes me feel unvalued right now. I would do anything for him Janus..at text I said “Yes you are correct. You said you can be an asshole and I did not used to believe you. Yes, you are CORRECT” So there. But u know I will be defeated if 7 years with him go down the tube. I think this is a detour, Morgan, not an ending. A “come to Jesus” thing. And God plan is my plan (Don’t laugh, Janis☺) So TELL ME ALL ABOUT YOUR adventure with that kick ass man of yours JANUS!!😁😁😁 I am so psyched for you, my great friend ❤ And I am jelly just A little😇
Go you for being brave. I have been very brave and upfront lately, but also had to step back and apologize at times for misreading situations. Lord, relationships are bloody hard. I guess you can take the time to “chill” too, whatever the hell that means. It IS a chance for us to build our strength and be independent and just learn our own rhythms. Look how strong @Janus2 became, apart so much from Wonderman. I am very relieved to be on my own with daughter for a bit. The Man wore me out ;).