20.3.2016 .I felt I had to change my profile. I am now sat Day 248nd I am comfortably stoked at myself, my sobriety. I have had this huge mindshift over the last 7 days,after coming out a "bad" patch that lasted for Mmm a wee while.! I have been reading a book that I know has helped with this shift. I now know, that really I was taking no self responsibility at all for my boozing,it was always due to something/someone else,not me - wtf. I would say,oh I do want to give up,nah I loved the taste,feeling, the haziness it gave me. I don't think I have really said that out loud! The Rational Recovery text has given me so many light bulb moments into my drinking addiction. Not obsession, but addict. I have always wanted to say, when I have stopped drinking,I am recovered. I need to remain ever vigilant for my seductive for my ruthless, very convincing "beast" At present it is,at times,a persistent companion, being very sneaky to catch me out by saying,"go on you are doing so well" wtf piss off! BUT I am getting very good at recognising this addictive voice-my "beast". It's a big bastard ya know,But I am BIGGER. I am beating this. Completing this one big hurdle will allow me to work on other areas,that need just as much work. I am me,I am taking back my life,and being responsible for me. Have overcome twin nieces weddings,huge milestone,hugely emotional as well,trip to U.K,all massive to me bUT i dI'd it. But so proud of self.
HAVE FINALLY MADE IT BACK HOME! It has been a real hard 2.5 years,lots of anger,tears,sad,
sick,disheartened. It has been a farkn hell of a ride,not a journey,but Mt Everest,not yet reached the summit. I still get sad when I think about my son and granddaughter I haven't seen and she is now a year old. The pain will never leave me I don't think. Still scared of picking up big time as at times don't feel strong yet still thonk of Ratonal Recovery. The fact I am literally scared of my health does keep thoughts semi at bay. Short term memory fucked. Like everyone I do get tired of the fight,at times I am not really grateful to have stopped. But it is a case of I have to. Can't really answer why not grateful. I had a blip in April,so now not counting days but in my diary really. It has been an emotional Rollercoaster this year-final straw was my job-which I so loved. I love this site,think I would be still drinking without it. Said many times,thank-you Lotta. Many times over the year I have felt,quietly suicidal,however that has been all through my life. But I get on here and the thought eases. I think it has been the incredible aloneness of my situation. God how I vented early days here. Since being home I have had no tears,yay,man so helps. Having 2 DIC also keeps booze bastard at bay. Ha spells dick Mmm right there. So I hope onward and upward-life can be different. It is sooo nice being back amongst friends! God, supportive ones at that. Random thought, have never noticed change of seasons but now I am-that for me is cool. I have my fatbum (dog) I have my man, i have this site, what more could a chick ask for? And you all are my cyber friends. Thank god. Anyway peace out all. Love to each and everyone of you. Xo
Well….. maybe just maybe if im applying for a country school i shouldnt dress too out there as i did today lol… i actually did a farkn good interview, threw the BOT a few curly questions, maybe 2 curly. And mayb i SHOULD DRESS MORE CONSERVATIVELY lol @bondi@prudence . I got rung by the p said i interviewed really well but BOT chose a teacher with rural school experience wtf does that mean? That i dont step in cow poo to get my mail? So nxt job i may wear jeans gumboots and a swandri (nzers) so ho hum. Lol i did walk in look at them and think, oh hello dowdy charlies!!! I am lucky that at times i do have a filter on my mouth. Admittedly when man rang he said…fandangle what did you wear…i told him… his reply well maybe black tights inatead of farking tartan, jesus wept i laughed, says the man who wears the same clothes day in day out, but give him, he changes his gruts. Anywhoo peace out all, pet day tomorrow, wtf is that about lol. Country bumkins aye. Next job in line arent for country schools lol.
Phew! So pleased you failed that one. haha. I reckon you’re doing far too much already, well, at least enough. Why don’t you just keep your energy focused for now on selling the property, keep your attention on it and thereby maybe attracting a buyer. Then you can both move to Mot and that would be the time to make new beginnings in the work field. Do you really hate the job you have now? Coz 3 days a week seems about right. I was a country bumpkin by the way Missie and I loved pet day. I even got on TV when I was 8 with my sheep Toby dressed as a hitch hiker with Mums black stretchy pants and a stripey shirt, dark sunglasses and Aunty Mary’s backpack. I was on the Town and Around Show with Bernard Smythe (if any NZ’ers are old enough to remember it) hehehehe
Really loved this post of yours, Janus. And when its followed up by your beautiful reply to Lucylocket…well, some of us, anyway, know both sides of Janus. The fun, and the thoughtful. I see you, Janus.
Sorry for late reply my wee friend @janus2 Been down on the farm and offline…which I love. Think I agree with Prudence, you don’t need to prove anything here, take your time looking for more work and the stress that could come with the change, focus on selling property and enjoy time with man and the perfect job for you will appear. And don’t ever dress to please anyone but you…just love you as you are. Big hugs xoxo