20.3.2016 .I felt I had to change my profile. I am now sat Day 248nd I am comfortably stoked at myself, my sobriety. I have had this huge mindshift over the last 7 days,after coming out a "bad" patch that lasted for Mmm a wee while.! I have been reading a book that I know has helped with this shift. I now know, that really I was taking no self responsibility at all for my boozing,it was always due to something/someone else,not me - wtf. I would say,oh I do want to give up,nah I loved the taste,feeling, the haziness it gave me. I don't think I have really said that out loud! The Rational Recovery text has given me so many light bulb moments into my drinking addiction. Not obsession, but addict. I have always wanted to say, when I have stopped drinking,I am recovered. I need to remain ever vigilant for my seductive for my ruthless, very convincing "beast" At present it is,at times,a persistent companion, being very sneaky to catch me out by saying,"go on you are doing so well" wtf piss off! BUT I am getting very good at recognising this addictive voice-my "beast". It's a big bastard ya know,But I am BIGGER. I am beating this. Completing this one big hurdle will allow me to work on other areas,that need just as much work. I am me,I am taking back my life,and being responsible for me. Have overcome twin nieces weddings,huge milestone,hugely emotional as well,trip to U.K,all massive to me bUT i dI'd it. But so proud of self.
HAVE FINALLY MADE IT BACK HOME! It has been a real hard 2.5 years,lots of anger,tears,sad,
sick,disheartened. It has been a farkn hell of a ride,not a journey,but Mt Everest,not yet reached the summit. I still get sad when I think about my son and granddaughter I haven't seen and she is now a year old. The pain will never leave me I don't think. Still scared of picking up big time as at times don't feel strong yet still thonk of Ratonal Recovery. The fact I am literally scared of my health does keep thoughts semi at bay. Short term memory fucked. Like everyone I do get tired of the fight,at times I am not really grateful to have stopped. But it is a case of I have to. Can't really answer why not grateful. I had a blip in April,so now not counting days but in my diary really. It has been an emotional Rollercoaster this year-final straw was my job-which I so loved. I love this site,think I would be still drinking without it. Said many times,thank-you Lotta. Many times over the year I have felt,quietly suicidal,however that has been all through my life. But I get on here and the thought eases. I think it has been the incredible aloneness of my situation. God how I vented early days here. Since being home I have had no tears,yay,man so helps. Having 2 DIC also keeps booze bastard at bay. Ha spells dick Mmm right there. So I hope onward and upward-life can be different. It is sooo nice being back amongst friends! God, supportive ones at that. Random thought, have never noticed change of seasons but now I am-that for me is cool. I have my fatbum (dog) I have my man, i have this site, what more could a chick ask for? And you all are my cyber friends. Thank god. Anyway peace out all. Love to each and everyone of you. Xo
Well this chick is a little stoked, miffed, excited and thankful. Craker weekend at kaiteri beach, then over takaka hill to beautiful Whaariki ?beach. walks long beach, pukekos, wood piegeons, moreporks, i wana live in kaiteri! Couldnt quuite understand it, man brort me back, was little worried bout pus bucket car going there, tho love driving, bn told i drive like possum bourne. Goung to chch tomorrow asked man what the fuck you kut! He was driving back to blenheimlick. Next he pulled up in this flash as Ford Focus Ghia, blue, came inside said right your driving!!! Omg its gorgeous to drive, lol 0 100 in 2 secs. Came home handed me the keys and said right, now i dont have to worry bout your car. What the fuck, am super excited, driving to chch in Style. And here no more cops watching my car. Told me he took my pus bucket thru wash and rest of right bumper came off, wtf, $500 trade, site unseen lol. Wtf, god all ive put him through, for number of years, him coming up to Hamiltin when in looney bin cus 8 forgt he split and i had no one else, my cancer,pancreatitis, bipolar, alcoholism, list goes on aye hes forked out so much $for private hospitals, my radiotherapy, cysts cancer. Still dont know how hes put up with me, tho we have so much banter, its so cool. I did say i will pay him back, he said nope, you are, wtf, he said, not drinkn, workn ×3 jobs, love teachn, stable mentally, tho hates my sisters said hes proyd of me for reaching out and reconnecting. Seeing niece in chch tomorrow, and my great nephew, 4.11 seeing nephew and great nephew at my lawyered up sister in Nelson, at her mill $ home, txt frm her said dinner at hers, my reply need to leave at 8 for school Monday. Today got message frm yes, nasty sister in Sydney, saying her boy 19 asked me to go over for camping, 4-12 Jan omg. Cant quite believe it. I know that @prudence@marmite and @mrs-d have helped with this. Ive put my big girls pants on and made 1st contact, after being so hurt and alone after my mum died in 2014. And believe you me, i was a blithrring mess. Seizures after stopoing drinking, hospital, bitch swim owner screwing me around, me going to ERA and satisfaction and winning, tho a mess. God dam wasnt i a mess!!!! Oh so suicidal. But despite every thing i am alive, hard to believe but am. Jesus wept oh so many rehabs, residential care, upsetting parents sisters. Huge grief with Mum. Dont want to get too excited, but things looking up. I will time to time have bouts of pancreatitis, you LISTENING EARLY SOBRIETY, DUE TO PISS, SO STAY OFF IT. So this chick super excited, oh and had my 1st dream i remembered in yrs, “i slapped a kid, out of class, he said “why you do that, “what i replied i tickled you, lol woke in cold sweat. So now i can travel safe to chch. Right to bed, horse tranqs on board, nite all
Made my day today @janus2. Doing all the right things brings you to where you are, so much hard work and struggle, so happy to see you thriving, doing well with a man who loves you too. Up at sparrows fart and yes jesus wept when I read this post. lots of love xxx.
Oh Yay! A new car is always a handy gift! What a generous man he is, So pleased for you. You make you’re own luck mate, and you’ve made plenty. Time now for things to go your way. Enjoy. Drive safe. Hope to see you Friday xoxo
Wow I’d like to meet that man of yours and shake his hand, and you…you’re even stronger than you think, you know, coming through all that. Just think of all that our sobriety enables. There sure are a lot of things to be happy for, if we look for them. Great post, Janus, so happy for you. Oh and from your description of the old car, I’d have to agree that a trade in was a good move.