I feel that alcohol has stolen so many hours from me. Hours spent sitting on a sofa, watching television with a glass of wine. Years of poorly contrived sleep, irritably ejecting me into the morning as a slow, dull wraith of myself. As I leave home, I’d like to have more time for kindness and smiles for folk on the street, but that thief had me hurrying to work, tired, head down, not caring.
I want to experience more of the subtle filamentary structure that lies on top of the world, the web that says: “this is me, that is you” and the strands, broad or whisper-thin that link ourselves to each other. I’m tired of feeling unraveled.
I used to stand on a cliff by the Ocean and watch the colourful city that lies over the horizon, listening to its music, before I drank daily. I knew that it wasn’t there and that it most certainly was, realer than the rocks around me, and I understood why.
All people are seekers, I suppose, but I haven’t been looking much for a very long time. I don’t want answers, I want better questions, and I want to be the one who poses them..
My favourite uncle from my childhood just passed away. He’d hadn’t been well for a while. Our families were close when I was growing up and I have very happy memories with him. I do get a bit emotionally blocked with grief, even when my parents died. It can be a real problem for me – but, nearly at two years, I think that I’ll be better able to connect with these memories and to put him in the right treasure chest in my heart.
Nice to see you, @Janus2. I think you’re saying that we look outside for advice and home in on a particular person/small bit advice/cult before we really check what our own resources are first….look at the proliferation of weird diets, when all we need to do is walk around a bit and shove less food in our faces (I’m talking about me here). One of the best things about LS is that there are hundred of different pieces of advice, and a lot of people who’ve given it a go. What works tends to stick.
Hi @MissFreedom – I’m at 700 odd days – I can say that there were a lot of changes in year two so far, so it may be worth thinking about waiting and getting advice. I hope that you find the peace that you seek.
I’ve spent a while reading posts here this morning. I see impressive bravery in the day to day effort, especially in the ‘heavy combat’ early days of sobriety. There are people here who’s lives have grown and turned around completely, becoming fulfilled and frankly, magnificent. There are people who try, slip, try again, slip again – and then they use the help and tools around them to find their own authentic strength and determination – and they make it. I love this place.
When I get those thoughts @R51, I think: “Would I have all of these rules and conditions if I gave up donuts? Or bacon?” Of course not, that would be investing them with too much power, it would be weird. It’s only addictive sustances that bargain with us – but they’re cheats; don’t do business with them.
Oh @Timidwarrior, I’m so glad that those kind people rescued you. The therapist lives to help, not to condemn or complain. Sending my best thughts to you. Do not be embarrassed. Shame is not apprpriate for illness.