• Hope-full posted a new activity comment 10 months ago

    Thanks so much. I’ll look into them.

  • Hope-full posted an update 10 months ago

    Okay, I’ve reset the Days Sober calculator. Thanks for all your support. I think I knew, in the back of my mind, that I was going to drink at the party. Otherwise I would have either taken some AF drinks or opted for the AF options that were available. I need to adjust my thinking. I need to REALLY believe that I’m not giving anything up. I did it with cigarettes a gazillion years ago. I can do it with alcohol. I have to take my husband up on his offer to keep wine out of the house. Instead of feeling guilty that I’m denying him a pleasure (and maybe subconsciously I think if it’s in the fridge I can have a drink if I really want one?) and make myself the most important person for a while. Thanks @daveh for the book suggestion. I’ve downloaded it. I’ve read Jason Vale… and all the others for that matter. Maybe it’s time to read them again.
    Day 1. I can do this.

    • Authors please jess

    • Thanks so much. I’ll look into them.

    • Day 1 is a great place to start! Congrats on recognizing that for things to change…changes have to be made. I had many Day 1 starts while I was doing research and reading on the subject of sobriety. I learned a lot of what to do and what not to do during that time. Wishing the same for yourself. You got this!!

    • DAY 1, courageous to find yourself there. kudos. i listen to podcasts, too. this naked mind, the recovery elevator, the bubble hour. what works for me is thinking of what you are adding to your life, not what you are taking away. ie, i am adding no hangover, i am adding no waiting waiting until the nausea goes away, is it a grease day, is it a wait until 5 to drink again day and just a drink a little bit instead of a lot of bit day. that is only part of what i am adding. be well, don’t pick up the drink.

    • Great self awareness @Hope-full! So glad you are still with us x

  • Crap…Day 1 tomorrow AGAIN. Did great all day, then went to a friend’s birthday party. Had some wine. I didn’t have to. There were other drinks there. But I did. Came home and had some more. Had a really frank discussion with my husband regarding the fact that wine is my trigger. I could care less about any other alcohol. He suggested that he stop drinking wine at home until I feel stable. That would be a huge help. I’m grateful for his support. I am beyond ticked with myself. What is it about wine??????? Why wine and no other alcohol??? I just don’t get it. I start each day with the greatest resolve…I WILL NOT drink. Then that goes down the tubes. I hate this. I hate myself.

    • Please be kind to yourself @Hope-full. You’ve got wonderful support from your husband and of course all of us here. Not sure if you had a plan or not about what you were going to drink, but maybe next time take some AF drinks with you and drink those. If you’re going to go with your hubby or someone else who understands you’re trying to give up drinking, have a code word when you feel that wine witch coming for you so you can try and do something different at that point – go outside, have a breath of fresh air – may even need to go home. Whatever you need to do to stop you reaching for that wine. Please don’t hate yourself – you can pick yourself up and just pledge not to drink today xx

    • Wine did it for me too… don’t hate yourself, sounds like you have amazing support from your husband! Take him up on his offer to go wine free with you… I could never leave a part bottle in the fridge… if I knew it was there out it would come… I agree with @Ladyhawke, if you are able to pre-plan and take your AF drink of choice with you (or decide on what AF drink you’ll be drinking if it’s at a bar) and if you need to leave early… put yourself first and be super kind to yourself today. Big hugs

    • If your partner is supportive of your need to stop drinking then you might see if he will read this: “How to help your alcoholic”. You can download it as an ebook here: https://lyingminds.sixboats.co.nz/how-to-help-your-alcoholic/

      • I actually did not leave the house for the first few days. Read Jason Vale’s book Kick the drink easily. I found it helped me negotiate social stuff and gave my some tools to talk to people about my being sober without all the shame. Think about what you would say to a good friend if she told you what you posted here. You wouldn’t hate on your friend, be kind to yourself. Pick yourself up and give it another go because you ARE worth it xx

    • I’m the same way. I can have beer, vodka, gin in the house and it doesn’t faze me. But a bottle of white in the fridge and all bets are off. You have to decide what’s more important … getting your life back or the wine. And once you make that decision then you protect it fiercely like a newborn baby. It’s up to you. The decision is yours. I know you can do this.

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 10 months, 1 week ago

    448 days! That’s FANTASTIC! I hope I can write that some day. Thanks for the support.

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 10 months, 1 week ago

    Thanks. I do much better when there’s no wine in the house, but my husband likes to have a drink. He’s supported me in the past by not having any for a couple of weeks until I get my legs under me, but then he goes back to his glass or two before dinner. I Inevitably break down at some point and have a glass. Then it’s game over. I feel like such a loser. Rationally I get that wine does nothing for me…that I’m not giving anything up…but then that goes out the window. I need a head adjustment!

    • Is it mainly wine you drink? Could husband drink something else that you don’t like or isn’t a trigger. For me it’s never bothered me remotely when people drink lager or beer or spirits because they are not my drug of choice and never have been. I don’t actually l like them. Wine on the other hand around me is a hard one for me x

  • The last time I posted was 2 years ago. Since that time I’ve gone alcohol free, off and on, for up to 90 days. I always slide back, ending up drinking as much if not more as I did before. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve reset the calculator on Living Sober’s home page. I’m a daily drinker. Wine. One glass is never enough. It always ends up being 3, 4 or 5 and then I end up “eating the fridge”. I feel like total turtle dung the next day, forcing myself to do what needs to be done. Never wanting to admit to anyone that my drinking is causing me problems.
    Today is Day 1. Again. I need to do this.

    • This is all too familiar. I lived this way for 3-4 years (I lost track, much like how many times I reset). I’m telling you so you know that this is possible. Today is day 448 for me, which I never thought could be possible, because stuck in the cycle it doesn’t feel like anything can change. Pile on the supports, and check in often. You got this!

    • hello! Wow but you’ve made so many long stretches so I know you’re day 1 but day 1 is a great start and I relate massively as for me it’s wine and food fixing feelings. I think that deep acceptance in the word admitting is the place I am I do accept today I cannot drink one glass of wine. Unless I’m on an airplane and that’s all they will serve. Then I am MIGHTILY pissed off x Best of luck keep posting and plan to wake up clear headed tomorrow on day 2 you got this! X

      • Thanks. I do much better when there’s no wine in the house, but my husband likes to have a drink. He’s supported me in the past by not having any for a couple of weeks until I get my legs under me, but then he goes back to his glass or two before dinner. I Inevitably break down at some point and have a glass. Then it’s game over. I feel like such a loser. Rationally I get that wine does nothing for me…that I’m not giving anything up…but then that goes out the window. I need a head adjustment!

        • Is it mainly wine you drink? Could husband drink something else that you don’t like or isn’t a trigger. For me it’s never bothered me remotely when people drink lager or beer or spirits because they are not my drug of choice and never have been. I don’t actually l like them. Wine on the other hand around me is a hard one for me x

    • @Hope-full. No advice just support and love sent your way.

    • You can do it! My main stumbling block is not asking for help before I get overwhelmed. I’m doing more of that this time around, and it usually pops the craving bubble before it gets too big.

    • It’s a great day for Day 1 @Hope-full – keep posting – you can do this πŸ™‚

  • Okay…day 43. This is almost the longest I’ve ever gone without a drink…and I’m starting to notice a real difference. For the first month or so I was unbelievably tired. I had a tough time getting motivated to do anything more than the bare minimum. But it’s getting better. I just picked up the book Mrs. D mentioned in her last post, “Mindfulness: an eight-week plan for finding peace in a frantic world”. I’m going to settle in and start reading. I’ve always had trouble quieting my mind. I hope this helps. I’ll let you know.

  • Hope-full‘s profile was updated 2 years, 10 months ago

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 2 years, 10 months ago

    Here I am, early 60s, and I’m STILL a work in progress. I wonder if I’ll ever get there, whatever/wherever “there” is…

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 2 years, 10 months ago

    Thanks. I’ve signed up for Belle’s 100 so we’ll see how it goes. A third of the way there!

  • I’m back…day 36 for me. While I haven’t posted, I’ve been following all you have to say, quietly gathering strength from each of you. Thank you. You’ve helped even though you didn’t know I existed! I’m doing okay with the not drinking, but I need to work on myself. I’ve realized I don’t like my life very much…and I don’t like me. It’s not that my life is terrible, it’s just that I’ve become aware of how superficial it is. On the surface, everything seems fine. People think I’m a strong and happy person. But I’m not. What is it they say? The two biggest lies are “I’m fine” and “Everything’s okay”? Something like that. So I’m trying to figure things out. And I’m not drinking. And I’m logging in to Living Sober regularly.

    • Congrats on day 36!
      I felt a lot like you did about not liking myself or my life.
      I’m at almost 100 days and am really starting to like myself and my life more each day. A lot has changed.
      Hang in there and I bet you will to. Figuring things out to seems to be so much easier when alcohol is out of the equation.

    • Great job on 36 days! We all do a lot of figuring things out on this path and it’s so helpful. Just remember to be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself.

      • Here I am, early 60s, and I’m STILL a work in progress. I wonder if I’ll ever get there, whatever/wherever “there” is…

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years ago

    Wow do I ever understand what you’re going through. I’ve done basically the same thing and can’t figure out why I can’t seem to get it through my thick skull that JUST ONE DRINK is not in my vocabulary. I’m on Day 7 for the umpteenth time and hoping that I’ll be able to stick with it.
    Good luck to you!!!

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 1 month ago

    Keep trying! I know I’m going to… I’m only on Day 2 (for what seems the thousandth time), but I’m not happy with the life I’m living so I’ve got to make some changes.
    Good luck.

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 1 month ago

    Here’s hoping!

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 1 month ago

    I’m trying to tip the scales. Day 2 today!

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 1 month ago

    I don’t want to be here either!!!! Day 2 today.

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 1 month ago

    Thanks. Day 2 today.

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 1 month ago

    It is all about changing the dialogue in your head, isn’t it? I need to think of myself as a non drinker. I need to picture something other than a wine glass in my hand. Visualization. Thanks!

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 1 month ago

    You’ve got the right attitude! I’m working on it πŸ™‚

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 1 month ago

    Thanks Mrs. D. I know I need to make a “head” adjustment. If I can just internalize that I’m not giving anything up…that I’m really doing myself a favour…
    I took that approach when I stopped smoking years ago and it made quitting relatively easy. I’ve got to get to that place in my mind. I’m working on it πŸ™‚

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 1 month ago

    Thanks. I think, for me, the hardest thing is that my husband pours his first glass of wine around 4:00. I think I need to find something to do or somewhere to be between 4 and 6. I’m going to work on a plan.

  • Well I made it through Day 1…but barely. Thank you so much for all your kind words and support. You are amazing people for taking the time.
    Once the day started and I was well into my “busy” mode my hangover kind of faded away. I was tired and not really perky but that’s okay. When I got home from my volunteer shift I had about an hour before we were to leave to go to a friend’s for dinner. These are relatively new friends and we don’t know them really well, but they’re lovely. I’ve posted about my depressed husband before and how sometimes the situation makes life so difficult? Well it seems he had a “bad” day while I was gone and said he wasn’t going. My stomach dropped. These people were expecting us and would, I know, have gone to a lot of effort. Another couple was going as well. Normally I would have phoned and cancelled, making some excuse about my husband suddenly taking ill. Instead, I gave them a call and asked if it was okay if I came on my own. I cut some flowers from the garden to take, got changed and left. Thank heaven the other two women are not drinkers and lots of tea and fizzy water was offered. When I got home I fell into bed. Hubby was asleep on the couch (and is still there). I’m still feeling upset with him. I know, had I stayed home, I would have drunk my way through my anger and disappointment. Not that would have helped.
    So…Day 2 today. Keep your fingers crossed.

  • Day 1…AGAIN! This is beyond pitiful. When I pour that first glass of wine I am so looking forward to how good it tastes. The problem is I never stop at one. And the more I drink the more I eat. And of course I wake up feeling like turtle dung in the morning.
    Last night I polished off a bottle and then proceeded to empty the fridge. I have a busy day today and we’re visiting friends tonight. All I want to do is go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. Serves me right. I need to do better. In order to enjoy sobriety I need to quit drinking. It’s not rocket science, so why is it so darn hard?

    • In the beginning it’s just about getting through those cravings minute by minute. You really need a plan and drinking something alcohol free, distracting yourself by doing something else and delaying that craving really helped me. My cravings started the minute I left work and I would make due I had something to drink on the way home (cocoa, soda, water) and once I made it home I would start doing something to distract me. I listened to sober podcasts, exercise, read, clean. I’d tell myself to just get through the next hour, and after two or three hours I knew I was good for the night. Eventually it became easier and easier. It’s really about taking it moment by moment until you build some time and realize you CAN do this. Big hugs.

      • Dear Hopeful, Monday was my Day 1, the last few days sucked so badly, sending love, tea and a virtual hand across the internet to you.
        Hang in there with me! We can do it.

      • Thanks. I think, for me, the hardest thing is that my husband pours his first glass of wine around 4:00. I think I need to find something to do or somewhere to be between 4 and 6. I’m going to work on a plan.

    • it’s not pitiful it’s addiction and it’s bloody hard to beat. Form a really clear image of the person you want to be – a very clear picture of calm, together, lovely sober you (if that is indeed what you want) and BELIEVE that you are that person.. keep the image in mind.. and then lock in the image of you last night at the fridge door going for the end of the booze.. and bring that to mind when you start to convince yourself that drinking and you are friends. This visualisation worked really really well for me.. and hang in there, you’re not a bad person.. it’s the booze. xx

      • Thanks Mrs. D. I know I need to make a “head” adjustment. If I can just internalize that I’m not giving anything up…that I’m really doing myself a favour…
        I took that approach when I stopped smoking years ago and it made quitting relatively easy. I’ve got to get to that place in my mind. I’m working on it πŸ™‚

    • I can totally relate it is so dam hard. This is my millionth try…hang in there we will eventually get this right. Fall down …get up…keep trying πŸ™‚

    • Its hard because we’ve created a habit. Breaking habits is challenging. Its also incredibly rewarding.

      I agree with Mrs. D, visualize success. Actively (actively is key) replace your longing for a drink with a visual picture of yourself sober. Talk to yourself. Lose your worries about how it looks, and actually say out loud “I am a better person sober” each time a thought of drinking crosses your mind.

      • It is all about changing the dialogue in your head, isn’t it? I need to think of myself as a non drinker. I need to picture something other than a wine glass in my hand. Visualization. Thanks!

    • It is hard and I know exactly how you feel. Keep trying and keep trying. You can do this. We all can.

    • From a selfish point of view, having you post about this is a terrific reminder to those of us who are farther down the road in sobriety that we DON”T want to be where you are again. I agree with previous commenters and thank you for posting about your agony. Keep trying!

    • It is so dam hard but I guess one day everything just hits home and your day is coming. Could be today! Hang in there because I can tell you are ready!

    • It is so hard @hope-full and I really feel for you and everyone else who is struggling with endless day ones.

      Something happens though – when you break through the 3, 4, 5, 10 day mark – the investment in being sober outweighs the temporary escape and you realise you don’t want to drink more than you want to drink.

      Keep trying. You can do it.

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 1 month ago

    Congratulations on 50! I’m only on Day 2, so that seems so far away. Good on you.

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 1 month ago

    If you did it once, you can do it again!

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 1 month ago

    Congratulations on 50 days! I’m only on day 2 but your comments and suggestions have been helping my resolve. I’ve read Allen Carr’s book (and many others) and listen to various sober podcasts regularly. The part I’m struggling with is truly internalizing that I’m not giving anything up. I’ve got to change my mindset in order to be successful. Otherwise it’ll be a struggle as opposed to a release. In reading over your list, I realize that I’ve not taken the time to express gratitude…to reflect on all the good things that are in my life, not just the hard things that result in my choosing to drink. Thanks. Go you!!!

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 1 month ago

    Thanks so much for the great ideas. I do listen to podcasts…I’ve tried a number of them. Usually, though, I put them on as I’m falling asleep. I need to get my plans in place for the times when I’m about to reach for that bottle. I never think to make a cup of tea which is silly really, as I love it. I think I should make a pot. That way I can pour another cup, just as I’d have another glass of wine. I’ve read that L-glutamine is supposed to reduce cravings. Maybe I’ll give that a go as well. Can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support.
    Day 1 again today. I hope that I can post DAY 2 tomorrow!!

  • Oh you guys, I feel like such a loser. The last three nights I’ve had 2-3 drinks. I don’t know why. Last night I got home around 10:30 from a volunteer shift at the performing arts centre and opened a bottle of wine. Hubby was in bed, the house was quiet, the dog came down to greet me…there was no reason for me to open that bottle…but I did. I poured a nice big glass of cold white wine and sat down with my feet up. Damn it tasted good. It felt good too. I can’t blame those drinks on stress from my “vegetative” husband. I need to stop this. What to do?

    • Have you tried replacing the wine with a nice big glass of tea? When I come in late and need to wind down before getting in bed, I’ve begun making chamomile tea. It doesn’t keep me awake but making a pot of tea is a nice little “event” at the end of the day.

      Substituting alcohol for me is all about making these drinks an “event”. If I’m making an AF mocktail I will get out the martini shaker, fancy cocktail glasses and crushed ice. I use fresh squeezed juices, nothing but the best.

      Another thing you can do at night is when the urge hits immediately begin making plans (or reviewing plans) for the next day. Try and schedule things early in the day which require a clear head.

      Finally- reading is another great way to end the day, or listening to a podcast.

      I hope this helps. You can absolutely do this!

      • Wow, brilliant strategies and self care. Nothing to add to that! Except perhaps loads of good supplements for few months, alcohol depletes and destroys so much. Check out Dr Patrick Holford

      • Thanks so much for the great ideas. I do listen to podcasts…I’ve tried a number of them. Usually, though, I put them on as I’m falling asleep. I need to get my plans in place for the times when I’m about to reach for that bottle. I never think to make a cup of tea which is silly really, as I love it. I think I should make a pot. That way I can pour another cup, just as I’d have another glass of wine. I’ve read that L-glutamine is supposed to reduce cravings. Maybe I’ll give that a go as well. Can’t tell you how much I appreciate your support.
        Day 1 again today. I hope that I can post DAY 2 tomorrow!!

    • I got the idea off here, to do something very special for myself after work. So I light a scented candle, drink green tea (or a green smoothie diluted a little with dandelion tea), and try to have something luxurious. And nice snacks! Have some available. Maybe that would work?

    • Hey @hope-full nothing to add to others great suggestions.

      My only comment is – why have wine in the house at all? I know I wouldn’t have broken free of the wine witch if I had kept alcohol in the house.

      Keep trying buddy!

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 2 months ago

    Sometimes it’s just so hard. I know better, but I don’t always do better. I’ve got to flip that switch in my brain that says I’m not giving anything up. I did it 10 years ago with smoking and quit with very little effort. I keep thinking if I can do the same thing regarding alcohol it’ll be easy too. I’ve just got to get to that point. Baby steps.

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 2 months ago

    Thanks M’larky. You know, the signs were there with my husband years ago. I wish I’d paid more attention to them. If I were 20 years younger I’d rethink the whole situation and probably choose to leave. As it is, I’m 62 an he’s 70…it’s harder now. All I know is that I’m not living the life I want to live. This is not how I want to spend the last third of my life. I’ve got to make some changes.

  • Crap. I had two glasses of wine tonight. I was doing so well. I had a good day. My resolve was strong. And then I came home. Prior to my leaving this morning, my OH and I made arrangements to go look for a new dishwasher when I got home. Ours has been dying a slow death for quite some time now. On my return around 3:00 he was still in his jammies, sitting in his flippin’ chair, reading a book. I asked why he wasn’t ready and he said he’d thought I wasn’t getting home until 3:30-4:00. WHAT SHOULD IT MATTER?!! 2:30 or 3:30…you still shouldn’t be sitting around the house in you freaking pjs. I just don’t get it. It makes me crazy. Never mind. Tomorrow is another day. The only person I’m hurting by having a drink is me. At least it was only 2 glasses not 2 bottles. Okay, I know that’s a rationalization but I’m grasping at straws. If I let my husband be my trigger I’ll never escape my drinking. Day 1 again tomorrow. Ugh.

    • I think I”ve got a ‘trigger hubby’ too @Hope-full! I know the feeling. Especially when mine drinks half a dozen cans every night and leaves them for me to put in the recycling every morning when he’s left for work. Arghhh! You did really well to only have 2 glasses, when/if I cave it will be more than that. Always is. Take it easy on yourself, its great that you’ve recognised the trigger effect and next time you’ll have this experience to reflect on and maybe make a different choice. πŸ™‚

      • Thanks M’larky. You know, the signs were there with my husband years ago. I wish I’d paid more attention to them. If I were 20 years younger I’d rethink the whole situation and probably choose to leave. As it is, I’m 62 an he’s 70…it’s harder now. All I know is that I’m not living the life I want to live. This is not how I want to spend the last third of my life. I’ve got to make some changes.

    • Put that bubble around you, just ignore your hubby and think of yourself and do this for yourself. Remember to stock up on sober drinks etc and yep, start again. xx

    • I can understand how annoying that must have been for you @Hope-full πŸ™ You’ve decided to put that behind you and carry on with living AF… good for you. Onwards and upwards! πŸ™‚

    • Sounds like you have excellent self awareness. Keep going, just a small slip up and no big deal.

    • I know you are frustrated with yourself but just look at what you learned from the experience. I’m happy to see you owning your behavior. A little (very little, tiny) kick in the pants is fine, then just move along.

      • Sometimes it’s just so hard. I know better, but I don’t always do better. I’ve got to flip that switch in my brain that says I’m not giving anything up. I did it 10 years ago with smoking and quit with very little effort. I keep thinking if I can do the same thing regarding alcohol it’ll be easy too. I’ve just got to get to that point. Baby steps.

  • Day 3 today. Last night I slept pretty well after I finally fell asleep. As soon as I got between the sheets I felt itchy. I just couldn’t settle and it just wouldn’t stop. Finally I fell asleep and it was all good after that. The same thing happened the night before. Has anyone else had that problem? It’s just strange. Today is International Museums Day and I’m volunteering for part of the day at our local museum, cooking over the open hearth. I know I’ll be tired when I get home. I’m going to have to work hard to make sure I put on the kettle instead of open a bottle of wine. I’ve been drinking for so long that it just seems like the thing to do. Hubby, of course, will be sitting in his chair (still) drinking his. @Lizzy said it took her about 6 weeks before she felt mostly normal about not drinking…only a little over 5 1/2 to go πŸ™‚

    • I’m on Day 6 and have had a hard time sleeping as well. It’s strange because I usually sleep well on days I don’t drink.

    • We are all so different. When I quit drinking I started going to bed so early and slept all night. I think it was a defense mechanism – can’t drink if you are sleeping! I’m back to normal now but I still seem to get sleepy more early in the evening.

      Well done on keeping yourself busy and Hope-full!

    • One day at a time @Hope-full that seems a good strategy for lots of people. πŸ™‚

    • It is caused from your liver detoxing and will gradually go away.

    • The itchiness is a result of the chemicals and neurotransmitters trying to get back to normal. Continue to hang in there a few more days, and it should get better!

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 2 months ago

    I still feel guilty though πŸ™

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 2 months ago

    Day 3 tomorrow. It’s a busy one and should be so much better without a hangover. I wonder how long it’ll take before it seems normal not to drink in the evening. The other times I quit drinking I don’t think I ever reached that point.

    • @Hope-full everyone’s different of course but for me it took about 6 weeks. And even then I thought about the fact I wasn’t drinking, but felt ok and settled. Now I don’t think so much about it (it’s been 4 months now) and it does feel normal. Sometimes weekends feel strange, but it’s not a big issue. My husband drinks every day too, so it’s always there which may have had an effect on how long it’s taken. For me I expected things to change more quickly than they have, but I realise now that’s unrealistic… I drank pretty much every day for the last 15 years at least, so it’s a huge change. It takes time but it’s worth it. Good luck with day 3. You can do it! Xx

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 2 months ago

    I do think boredom has a lot to do with it. I also think that, in my case, not drinking and not having those blurred edges just makes it more obvious how little my husband and I have to say to each other any more. Sad. That said, I’ve managed not to drink today. I think it’ll be an early to bed.

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 2 months ago

    I checked out the Hay House Summit. It looks great…lots of really interesting stuff to listen to. Thanks.
    I’m still looking for the beautiful…

  • Okay, Day 2. Last night, instead of reaching for the wine I got busy instead…made some coconut milk, went to the garden and cut some rhubarb to make a crisp, prepared a delicious and healthy meal of salmon, quinoa and broccoli for myself (hubby chose to have a hamburger and fries after being at the pub). Today I’m going golfing and so will not be home during that most difficult time for me. Thursday and Friday evenings I’m volunteering at the Performing Arts Centre, so that’s two more nights taken care of. I can do this.
    I’m just going to let my OH be. He knows there are things he needs to do. He’ll go get that blood work done when and if he chooses. Not my problem. He’ll get out of that chair when and if he chooses. Not my problem. I cannot be responsible for his health and happiness.
    Thanks stjpalm, Wvlheel and Janus for your encouraging words. They really helped. I’m feeling good about Day 2. Let’s hope I can carry it through.

    • You sound so different than just a few days ago. Well done. You can love your husband and encourage him and set an example. That is your path. Your path is not to make him feel better by making yourself feel worse.

      I listened to a great discussion this morning with Louise Hay on the Hay House summit. If you have time you can join and listen for free. This was a great quote (paraphrased) that stuck with me.

      ” Life will show you the absolute truth about yourself. I hope you have the courage to accept it, NO MATTER HOW BEAUTIFUL IT MAY BE.”

      • I checked out the Hay House Summit. It looks great…lots of really interesting stuff to listen to. Thanks.
        I’m still looking for the beautiful…

    • Love the positive attitude! I have to be busy. When was drinking I realise now part of the reason I continued to drink soo much was I was often bored!
      Enjoy your day…You got this!

      • I do think boredom has a lot to do with it. I also think that, in my case, not drinking and not having those blurred edges just makes it more obvious how little my husband and I have to say to each other any more. Sad. That said, I’ve managed not to drink today. I think it’ll be an early to bed.

    • Great work @Hope-full well done on day 2. Sounds like you already have some strategies in place for getting through wine o’clock! Before too long it will feel normal not to drink in the evening anyway. How are those hangover free mornings? Pretty amazing, right? X

      • Day 3 tomorrow. It’s a busy one and should be so much better without a hangover. I wonder how long it’ll take before it seems normal not to drink in the evening. The other times I quit drinking I don’t think I ever reached that point.

        • @Hope-full everyone’s different of course but for me it took about 6 weeks. And even then I thought about the fact I wasn’t drinking, but felt ok and settled. Now I don’t think so much about it (it’s been 4 months now) and it does feel normal. Sometimes weekends feel strange, but it’s not a big issue. My husband drinks every day too, so it’s always there which may have had an effect on how long it’s taken. For me I expected things to change more quickly than they have, but I realise now that’s unrealistic… I drank pretty much every day for the last 15 years at least, so it’s a huge change. It takes time but it’s worth it. Good luck with day 3. You can do it! Xx

    • Good on you. πŸ™‚ You are SO right. It’s up to him to make his choices.

  • Thanks to everyone who wrote. It means a lot. I have tried to get my husband involved in things, but he’s generally passively resistant. He has arthritis and is in a lot of physical pain. I’m not sure, however, how much of that pain is a result of his depression as opposed to his arthritis…and there is effective treatment for both. He used to play golf regularly but hasn’t done so for several years. Basically he sits in his chair and reads or is on the computer. Then he moves to a chair on the porch for a cigarette. Then back to the original chair. At 4:30 or so he starts on the wine…for the pain don’t you know…so that he doesn’t have to take another pain pill which is quite strong and can apparently be addictive. He does NOTHING physical. I’ve had consultations with his doctor and we’ve tried to put things in place to help him move forward, but the bottom line is nothing will be effective unless HE puts the work into it.

    I’m going to make this my Day 1, yet again. I’m not going to drink this evening to numb my own pain. I feel awful when I drink, both physically and emotionally. This needs to be about me. It’s just that, somehow, it all seems so pointless. I’ll let you know how I do.
    Thanks.

    • @Hope-ful big huge cyber hug coming your way. It’s hard when someone we love isn’t taking care of themselves, but sometimes the only thing we can do is lead by example. YOU deserve to be happy and to put yourself first. He will either come around or he won’t, but either way you can find that happy, healthy, AF life you are searching for. Congrats on day 1, you can do this!!! XXX

    • Good luck. I think that taking some time for you is exactly what you need to do.

      I’m sorry that you have such a big hindrance to your sobriety and happiness. It is easy for me to say but I think that you have to be selfish right now. You have so much life left to live and you deserve happiness.

    • Mmm thought bout you yesterday after you posted,bugger I live in N.Z lol so no coffee lol. Yes to hearing yr frustration with hubby as you have tried so hard to help SO let it go for now. What do you do for you?exercise? Movies,friends? ? I reckn you should make a list of things you could do for you,so yr not at home alot at the moment,as I think you get to end of day and thng fuck it!!! Manicure,Pedicure? Shout you!
      Go on try it. Then post what you did today for you @Hope-full thinking of you as I get thru my day. You got this and we have you – all of us on this site. Go well xoβ™‘

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 2 months ago

    I’m trying. Thanks.

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 2 months ago

    Thanks…don’t happen to live in Ontario, do ya ? πŸ™‚

    • Hi @Hope-full – I am racing up to 60 and I am in a similar situation to you. Not in Ontario, unfortunately, I’m a kiwi but there are some Canadians on the site and people from all over.

      Most of us have discovered we drink to fill up some gap in our lives, all sorts of reasons.

      So share away, you’ll find you are not alone πŸ™‚

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 2 months ago

    I am involved with things for myself…I volunteer at the local museums and performing arts centre. I play pickleball and golf. I’ve joined a bridge group at the seniors centre and have a theatre series with a friend. But I’d like to be doing some of these things WITH him, not on my own. And sometimes, you know, I’d just like for my husband to be out of the house for the day…doing something he’d like to do. He does meet a couple of his friends for a beer two or three times a week, but that’s it. I’d like to not feel as though I’m on a hamster wheel trying to validate my existence. Busy busy busy. I don’t know any more.

  • Hello,

    I’ve been here before. Several times, but not for a while. I’m drinking again…or should I say still. I’ve managed to go for several weeks at a time over the last couple of years, but always end up drinking again. Not sure what to do. I’m sad. My husband of 37 years suffers from depression, which means that I do too. I’m not sure how much is true depression for him or merely an excuse for not doing things he doesn’t want to do. We went to a 70th birthday celebration today but only stayed for a short while as he was having a “bad day”. I think maybe the “bad day” was because he saw how loved this individual is and was feeling sorry for himself as his 70th is coming up in a month. I won’t be throwing a surprise party. Our social life has shrunk considerably over the past 16 years…the number of years we’ve been dealing with his depression. He has chosen not to partake in my family activities and has withdrawn from things we used to do together. I just don’t know what to do. Leaving isn’t an option due to finances. I’m soon to be 63 and am no longer working. I’ve written on this forum before, but you all seem so much younger than I am and there seem to be communities that are already established. I’m in Canada, so I’m not sure if any of you are here either. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sad and I drink. There you go.

    • First off, welcome. You are absolutely welcome here. This site has a healthy community of regulars but there are no cliques or any of that nonsense. I just joined 5 weeks ago and I was welcomed with open arms. Everyone is so accepting and supportive. I hope you will give this place a chance.

      Second I am sorry to hear about your current situation. It sounds difficult. You seem to want a change for you. This place is a good opportunity to start. There are people here who are single, newly separated, happily married, or with partners who don’t support them, and long time divorced- all types.

      It is possible for you to carve out a new life for yourself even with the challenges in your home. I hope you will get some hope from us and will try to change things. You deserve it.

    • Read your post and it really struck a cord and thought do ya want a coffee? Someone to laugh and vent with.?? Plenty of people here are over 100 yrs old (jokes). are you able to start building a support network for YOU. Where’s your friends? Start reaching back out there again. Forgt your husband at the moment FIND YOU again. You already know you drink for company so go and find some lovely real company. Don’t stop posting as you will,with help work out what to do for you. Mm your post will be with me all day. Take care of yourself xoxo

      • Thanks…don’t happen to live in Ontario, do ya ? πŸ™‚

        • Hi @Hope-full – I am racing up to 60 and I am in a similar situation to you. Not in Ontario, unfortunately, I’m a kiwi but there are some Canadians on the site and people from all over.

          Most of us have discovered we drink to fill up some gap in our lives, all sorts of reasons.

          So share away, you’ll find you are not alone πŸ™‚

    • Welcome back. I was on here when this site was new, slipped up, didnt post for a year and came back on this site. Many of us stop, start, stop, its the nature of alcohol, its not an easy thing to quit. There are all ages on her now. Many retired and semi retired. All trying to do the best we can. (i am 50). I would recommend joining a couple of new groups (walking, craft, reading etc). Making a few new friends would be a great start. You need to keep up communication with your family (if your hubby isnt into that, then thats his bag). Your happiness is vital, you dont want your hubbys depression to rub off on you. Sure, be supportive and kind. Get your own life sorted out and get yourself in a happier, stronger mindset to start to cut that alcohol out of your life. Its making you sadder (it made me sad as well). Do some nice things for yourself, treat yourself with respect and kindness. Lots of self care and eat well. Stay on here for support. You can do this. Age doesnt come into this, taking care of yourself and your happiness is what everyone has to do regardless of age. Hugs to you. I am proud of you, 63 and taking some steps to change things you know are not working. Thats fighting spirit. xxxooxx

      • I am involved with things for myself…I volunteer at the local museums and performing arts centre. I play pickleball and golf. I’ve joined a bridge group at the seniors centre and have a theatre series with a friend. But I’d like to be doing some of these things WITH him, not on my own. And sometimes, you know, I’d just like for my husband to be out of the house for the day…doing something he’d like to do. He does meet a couple of his friends for a beer two or three times a week, but that’s it. I’d like to not feel as though I’m on a hamster wheel trying to validate my existence. Busy busy busy. I don’t know any more.

      • So nice to see encouragement on here for everyone..That’s so great πŸ™‚

    • Hi @Hope-full πŸ™‚ I’m still on here and I remember you from last time πŸ™‚ I’m sorry things haven’t improved for you. Im coming up to 60 !
      I’m wondering if your husband has grown very dependent onyou.. This would not be fair on you if he is .
      What did he use to enjoy when you were first married or when you were younger? Maybe you could encourage him to do these same things again even if you went too to start with.
      Could you at least go walking together. Exercise of any sort is helpful for depression. Or go for a drive or go to the movies or watch a sports game. ??
      Just a few suggestions.

    • Hi Hope-full! I’m sorry to hear that things are hard for you and your husband. I’m also Canadian, and I’ve been on here for a couple of months, and I find it to be a lovely + supportive site. I can imagine, like me, you often feel lonely. Pop on here and say hello. If I can say, can you give yourself a goal – spend a week sober and see if you feel better? I know when I drank (and boy did I drink) I always felt so terrible afterwards, physically and mentally. I hope you feel better as the weather warms up here. Best to you.

    • Guess what. Age doesn’t matter on here. I am 36 but like talking to people of ALL ages. I have depression too. It sucks and is so incredibly painful. I liken the feeling of depression to a razor slicing through the brain. But it can be managed and you can live with it. Has your hubby had a 2nd opinion on his treatment plan etc? Are there any support groups you can go along to together? I used alcohol because I thought it would numb my depression. It didn’t it just induced panic attacks and suicidal thoughts during the lows I’d get after the hangover arrived and a whole lot more self loathing I didn’t need. I gave up. Life got better…slowly….its a roller coaster! This place is great. We are all here for you.

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 7 months ago

    My hat is off to you!

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 7 months ago

    Hi Rosie1. I totally understand how you feel. I’m living with a husband who suffers from both depression and alcohol dependence. It’s hard. I’d say you’re at a point where you have to decide how you want to live the rest of your life…whether or not your partner has a place in it. It’s a tough call. I’m 62 and wish I had understood my codependent tendencies much earlier. I’d probably be living a different life now. I’ll be thinking of you.

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 7 months ago

    265 days is amazing! Have a great time at the wedding.

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 7 months ago

    I know it seems easy for someone else to say, but try looking at this new job and your move as an opportunity for a new beginning. Make sure you’re on the meds you need. Maybe join up with an AA group to meet new people and get the support you need. Keep posting here. You can do it!!

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 7 months ago

    I agree with Deb65! I hope I can do as well as you have.

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 7 months ago

    Two days is a big deal. Good for you!

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 7 months ago

    It IS a great feeling, isn’t it? It’ll only get better!

  • Hope-full posted a new activity comment 3 years, 7 months ago

    Fantastic!

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