My son and I got into it over homework when I tried to show him the correct steps to a math problem and he frustratingly became a smartass jerk. I know I can’t personalize it, and my response to him was to have him get a bath and eat dinner and go to bed early, but. I feel so defeated. I feel like such a shitty mom, and I just want to weep.
The hard thing is that I couldn’t even eat dinner with them because I just felt so fucking defeated. I thought about my sister and other women friends I know who drink wine and have jokingly talked about wine getting them through the smartassness of their kids, and I had an instant longing to just get fucked up.
So, instead, I am lying here in bed with my door shut and a lump in my throat trying not to be a martyr, trying not to make him feel guilty and trying to not go get drunk, which is what I want to do, because when I think about doing this whole mom thing for the rest of my life, parenting through his insolence and anger which is sooo very rare but happens with any child, parenting through the fears of all the potential scenerios, parenting through my own needs and wants, I just want to smoke cigarettes and drink a lot of booze.
Oh froggie, parenting is so fucking hard sometimes. You are a great mum, none of us get it right all the time, i make parenting mistakes daily. Go easy on yourself @frog you are an involved, loving, wonderful mum xx
One of my friends tells me to never let him see me feel hurt by his rudeness. So, I am hurt and I know this isn’t his burden. He’s really just exploring his own boundaries. But, dang. I also can’t just pretend, so I figure if I go to bed early, it keeps me sober and keeps me real.
I think our kids should see us hurting or crying etc, they need 2 know we are human 2 & there’s consequences 2 there own behaviour & actions. I try & explain how I’m feeling & why 2 my son, especially if we get frustrated with one another I’ll talk about it after we’ve cooled down? Each 2 there own on parenting matters, id see what works best 4 u & your family. Big massive hugs @frog, things always seem better in the morning get a good nights sleep xxx
I don’t understand why your friend suggests that @frog? I have the opposite approach with my two. I want them to understand that their words and behaviour are powerful. I want them to understand the effect they have on others, isn’t that part of learning compassion?
Hi Froggie, how sucky… that whole feeling sometimes about being a mom. I remember many nights like that. I remember being extraordinarily close to my son and we interacted very similarly. We fed off each other’s hurt and fear and anxiety. It’s all ok dear friend. You are a wonderful, sensitive loving mom. xx ps as we know, booze just ruins it all.
Can so relate with you @Frog. The best thing you’re doing for yourself and your son is being sober, present and dealing with life’s up and downs. You’re doing a great job and don’t you forget it. Take care xx
Yes..Go easy! I just spent three days with my amazing, not smart ass yet, lovely great grandchild and caring for kids is HARD DAMNED work. But it is nothing to harm yourself over. xxoo. This too shall pass.
LOL parenting makes me want to get smashed too, and not just on booze either @frog
i understand your friend’s advice. i think it’s ok to say “i don’t like the way you’re talking to me right now” or “that’s a hurtful thing to say” or to show feelings.
but if they really cut you to the bone i don’t think it’s great to let them know. not in a big loud way anyway. gives them a lot of power, and i think for children it can be frightening. like – i’m such a horrible person i can destroy my all -powerful mum.
i don’t know. i don’t know the answers. and it’s probably different when they’re little to when they’re tweens to when they’re teens.
i’ve been reading bits of a book recently on a therapy called acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). it disagrees with cognitive behavioural therapies in that it says that you can’t change your thoughts and feelings, you can’t make them go away, etc etc. instead it works hard to be able to observe and allow and “defuse” from thoughts / images / emotions etc. you might already know about it?
so anyway it’s much more in line with the current stuff of mindfulness and radical acceptance and all that jazz. DBT etc.
i suppose i wonder if you were able to detach a bit more from these interactions with your boy, maybe it would hurt less.
i’m talking to myself too, i have to detach more from my interactions with my eight year old FFS. i see some doozy fights in our future if i’m not able to ……
It’s not you, or your child, or your parenting skills. It’s freakin math homework. It’s been years, my boys are 37 and 32, so we’ve gotten over math homework, but it just didn’t work. And I’m a CPA. “That’s not how you do it”…..I can still hear it. Why do they change the way you do math? The laws of mathematics don’t change!! Arrrgh!!! I’m amazed that you didn’t drink. Well done, Frog!