• Frog posted an update 9 months, 2 weeks ago

    I have felt ashamed to come back here because, as has been pointed out to me, I have been on this board for going on 3 years and have failed to stay sober past 78 days. It’s embarrassing to fail. In complete honesty, I don’t know that I can stay sober when my husband brings alcohol into the home. I don’t think that’s me blaming him, but simply stating a belief. I went 78 days and then, bam, one day came home and he was drinking with his buddies and I just wanted to join in, thought I could limit, and then back to where I’m at.

    In three months, it will be 3 years that I started coming onto this board. My alcohol use has reduced greatly, I no longer get hungover or black outs, but I still go over my limit on a regular basis. What I have learned is that even after one beer, I feel the effects, so after 3, I just feel like shit. Five years ago, I wouldn’t have thought I felt anything after 1, but now I do. I suppose that’s progress.

    I want to get back to having those 78 days under my belt, and then going forward from there. I don’t know that I can do it when there is beer in the fridge. That’s all.

    • Great to see you!!! Congratulations on all you have achieved especially when work and home have been pretty darn stressful at times – is that how you say it in the US? Dang stressful?
      How does it feel if you stay focussed on the achievements?
      And clever body, telling you to keep moderate. 😉
      I think I am actually quite allergic to the damn poison. Decide to have a glass, champagne or something at a major celebration, but can’t get past the first tiny sip. Perhaps you are heading that way?
      How’s life in general? Work less stressful by any chance? Is your boy good?

      • PS get the blasted beer out of the house. End of story.

      • Oh, it’s good to see you @morgan! I want to get to where I’m 100% abstinent, so hoping for a miracle, I suppose, but I know I need to substitute and use willpower as well.
        My boy is growning up but still comes in in the mornings and kisses me on the cheeks, these deep lovely little kisses. He loves his Mamma! Work is always going to be stressful, but I’ll tell you, after I nearly died of the flu this past spring, I started enforcing better boundaries with the other staff, so now they’re not calling me about things that have nothing to do with medicine. That has helped. But, as you are well aware, some of this stuff just sticks to you, keeping you up at night.

        • Beautiful. They are so open and special at that age. Enjoy.
          Yes the night worries. I am a little better at shutting them out but it is hard when in residences and teens I have come to love re tearing around in stolen cars with other young ones on board. Or I’m ibing so many substances it is a b loddy miracle their bodies dont shut down. I guess their pain is shut out for a few hours.

    • Glad you are back @Frog , when I think of being AF I don’t believe in failure only progress and you have definitely made progress over 3 years! If your husband won’t get rid of the beer then I would make a compromise with him that he doesn’t have his drinking buddies over. Have them drink somewhere else. @DaveH has a very good post regarding triggers that you might find helpful. Again welcome back and keep moving forward in your sobriety! You are not starting at day 1 you have 3 years experience behind you!

    • Just keep trying @Frog.

    • Hi

      hey there @frog, so great to have you back. Personally, I don’t care about your day counts, I care about you and the fact that you are here and that you keep trying. We don’t all achieve the no alcohol at all deal. I am 4 years of being a mainly sober person, I still sometimes have a drink and I feel no shame. I have come a really long fucking way and no one can take that away from me.
      I don’t know, my husband drinks, not hugely, but he enjoys beer and red wine. It doesn’t bother me now… maybe you and your husband could work something out if it makes it too hard for you. Do what you can do. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing for everyone, but if you want it to be nothing, then you have to use will power. It’s a lot like being on a diet and resisting all the temptations that are out there, In the end, it’s our hand putting what we choose into our mouth xxx

      • Of course I read this, @song-bird, right after I’d taken the last bite of an apple flip which is a syrupy, crispy pastry filled with apples and cinnamon and a lot of more syrup!
        I’m trying to figure out how to keep that willpower on a Friday afternoon after a stressful week. Started running this week, which is pitiful to see I’m sure, but at least that makes me feel strong.

        • hahaha give me some of that apple flip!!! Sounds delicious, I have had a most hideous cold/bronchitis and I have totally lost all sense of taste and smell. It is awful, I think I was salivating at the thought of your yummy treat and then I had to come back to earth and think I wouldn’t taste a thing 🙁 We need some lovely treats in our life… do taste buds regenerate? I hope so

    • Hey Frog’s back!!! Great to see, you, Frog. Really great.

      • Thanks, @Tom4500. I fall asleep in concerts that require sitting, even in a bb king concert once. Can’t imagine, as much as I love classical music, going to a symphony and not taking a nap. Glad to see you!

    • Hi @frog. Good to see you. I agree with @songbird. Everyone here does not necessarily eliminate alcohol totally. It is your own personal decision. Like you, I have definitely made changes. I enjoy the conversations here,. The site is about more than just sobriety (for me, anyway). I think you have a lot to be proud of. You have good things to contribute. Look forward to hearing from you again soon.:)

    • @frog so glad to see you!! @song-bird is correct. We don’t care about your day count. We care about you.

    • I get it @frog
      You are in your journey and doing great. But..can your hubby NOT bring beer to house? Start small….say u are going for 100 days AF so dont be I g in booze as u need support. An d no temptation kinda thing

    • So pleased to see you back. This your journey and your story, no one else’s. It is fantastic that you have cut down on your booze consumption. Be proud of where you are at.
      Lovely to have you back and love your insights @frog x

    • One thing I have been vocal about is lack of focus on day counts as it becomes competitive to some, also the peer pressure for complete abstinence as that creates a community where people are judged and don’t feel comfortable to make progress, harm themselves less which is always the goal. Group dynamics can be a strong thing, a few have expressed this on email privately don’t want to come back because of shame or fear of shaming. I hope you see a vocal group here that will support you, no matter where you are. There are enough people to find your own tribe here @Frog, which I think you have. We missed you my friend. Just plug along with us. You seem like an outspoken person can’t you speak to your husband honestly about keeping beer out for a few months? I agree it’s tough to get traction. Love and hugs glad to to see youxxxx

      • Oh, @reena, thank you for saying I’m in your tribe (well, I inferred that). I have talked with my husband and when I was really working this, he was better about not bringing it in, but then would relax after a few weeks. I think the issue is me needing to be back on this site and really, as @songbird points out, making a choice not to put it in my mouth. If I start working it, he’ll at least keep it out for a few weeks. That’s all I need.

        • @Frog, you sound like you’re setting off on a good new direction on your path. Isn’t it a pain to have to enforce boundaries you thought you’d already set? That makes me so uncomfortable, but I’m starting to realize it’s a fact of life–people forget or hope I’ve forgotten that I’ve said no, I don’t want that, or yes, I want this, so I have to remind them. Again. Ugh. But it has to be done. Maybe one day I’ll be good at it and feel comfortable saying what I need, but it’s going to take a lot of practice to undo the years of not speaking up and numbing my feelings with alcohol.

          We are doing this–we are recovering, each in our own unique ways, and what a daily miracle that is, a miracle that takes work, of course, and has us feeling uncomfortable sometimes as we learn to navigate the world in new ways. Screw the day count. The important thing is today. Today I’m not drinking, and it sounds like you are also choosing not to drink. Today, we’re recovering, learning, growing, sometimes failing, but taking the steps we can take, with all of our imperfections, to be our best selves without what, for me anyway, was the crushing burden of alcohol. Welcome home.

      • Amen to what reena said. oxoxxoox

    • Sweet sweet Frog, oh how I LOVE seeing your name pop back up here. oxoxoxo
      You know what? It’s not a competition. It’s ok that you drank. It REALLY is ok. It does NOT mean you are lazy, not-disciplined, or that there is something wrong with you.

      There is nothing wrong with you. It is not your fault.

      I am really (seriously!) proud of you for coming back here. That must have been hard. I did my lapses (3-4 total) before I signed up and it was sheer luck that I stayed sober that 3rd or 4th time. Sheer and utter luck. Maybe just the right combination of having had therapy for about two years by then, plus one last massive vomit-headache-hangover, etc.


      And I want the same for you. The right tools around you so that you feel safe, welcomed, loved, and supported as you walk through those first difficult weeks of sobriety.

      You BELONG here, whenever if feels right for you. It is also ok to take breaks. No “should” or “must”. This place is one tool in your box, and I for one will be here if you need an ear or just want to share what is going on.

      I don’t care if you drink or not. Sure, I want you to be sober because it would remove suffering from your life. But I really don’t care if someone relapses or lapses or wants to drink again or stops for the 1000th time.

      It’s all ok.

      It’s ok to “try it again”.


      Air high five and a hug your way, but as always only if you’d like one today.

    • I would guess that I have been on this blog for at least two years (afraid to look!) and have had so many restarts. I am at day 50 today and really feel like this is the one that will stick. I truly believe now that sober is better. Keep trying.

    • Hi @frog I think the important thing here is that alcohol is still legal. Any shame you feel should be aimed at the laws that make it so. Sounds to me you are now what would be considered a very moderate drinker. Its the thoughts that go with the drinks that make us different. Just keep thinking about your drinking and you are allready a success. Xx

    • Hi @frog ! Nice to see you back I missed you !

      • Hi Frog,

        It is tough when there is beer in the house. Very. Hopefully, you can get more support at home than your getting soon. My husband still has the beer in the house but my thinking finally shifted (Thank heavens!) to where I just don’t want anything to do with alcohol. It simply isn’t for me. I think it is fantastic you are not giving up and looking for support! Kudos.

    • hi @frog – i hope you get what you need.

    • Hi @frog, I’m sorry this is so difficult for you. It is hard having alcohol in the house. My husband still drank daily when I first joined here, but he is able to stop, unlike me. I decided it was my decision to stop completely, my journey and it was about me, and only me. I think he doubted my ability to quit, so that gave the rebel in me the incentive “to show him”, Stay with us, take each day as it comes and know you are always supported by us. Wishing you well.xoxo

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