• Flourishing posted a new activity comment 4 months, 2 weeks ago

    Hi @RebeccaAKtoFL – well done on the 3 days! Think the biggest thing I am learning is you can’t control people, places or things – all you can do is change you. I am hearing you on the outside influence issue – still having a little trouble with that myself. But I think in the first instance we really need to do some straight talking with our hubby, let them know how important this is and set the boundaries we need to set. I can go for ages without worrying about hubby having a drink (and he is not a huge drinker really) then sometimes it just catches me off guard. In the early days though I asked for no alcohol in the house, and that is what I got. All the best, you can do this regardless of other people’s drinking habits.

    • My hope this first couple weeks is to be able to avoid social situations and just focus on ways to support getting healthy. Based on past experience (not my first time trying to quit), I know I need to be a little stronger before I talk to my husband. He doesn’t think either of us have a problem. Thank you for sharing with me!

      • I think it can be quite threatening, if you haven’t come round to the idea that you need to stop yourself. My ex, who was a mean drunk, would NOT even listen to me saying ‘maybe I need to cut down a bit’ cos perhaps that also meant ‘maybe you do too’ and he wasn’t ready to entertain that. (Blimey, I hadn’t realised how long I’d struggled with this).

        I think it’s the health stuff that’s really connected with my current partner, from those books.

        Maybe when you do speak to your hubs, perhaps you can talk about the breast cancer risk, for which there’s no safe limit. That doesn’t immediately threaten him, but surely he’ll want you to be healthy. You can drop in that bowel and mouth cancers affect everyone when you feel like it.

      • Clowance, this is some great advice. It honestly has been a few years since I have tried to quit drinking, so putting a different health spin on it just might do the trick.
        From your comment, so glad for you that your ex is your ex and that you have a much more understanding partner now!

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 4 months, 2 weeks ago

    What an inspiration you are @Colin. Well done, I hope you treated yourself to something nice.

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 4 months, 2 weeks ago

    Aw that is really tough @Mrs-D – sending you lots of hugs. She sounds like an incredible, much-loved person, just as you are. x

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 4 months, 4 weeks ago

    Didn’t work for me @Ridge, but maybe you need a little bit more “final research” before you are convinced. All the best.

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 4 months, 4 weeks ago

    I also started this whole thing a few years’ ago and currently on a couple of weeks again, been mostly sober for the last four years but plenty of final research “patches”. Time to admit I don’t need any more research, it messes with my head and ends in trouble. Let’s do this! 🙂

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 4 months, 4 weeks ago

    Oh I like “Clarity is the new black.” Another one that I often hold onto is… “It’s none of my business what other people think of me.” I think a simple “Sober is cool” wouldn’t go amiss.

  • I read something that hit me in the face today, maybe it will resonate with others? It was in Dr Libby’s book The Energy Guide (highly recommend it). She says, “Everything – and I mean everything – comes back to our drive to avoid rejection and obtain, or maintain, love. I don’t know how else to say it. People think the opposite of stressed is relaxed or calm. I say it is trust.” Think that is 100% what drove me to alcohol – avoiding rejection and not being able to trust… life, myself, the process, that people will stay alive, that people will love me… you name it… and the pain of it all. I wonder if others might feel the same.

    • That makes a lot of sense to me @flourishing!

    • Bang on, in my case, @Flourishing. “that people will love me”…that they will stay around, that there is such a thing as unconditional love … my early life was littered with people who left. It leaves wounds for sure. And yeah, I can look back and see the tracks I’ve made in life…all trying to avoid rejection (or avoid feeling the pain of what I felt would be inevitable rejection) or trying to find love in all the wrong places….what a shambles!!

    • I am going to have a look into this book, thank you for the info @flourishing

    • Hmmm, interesting. Thanks for sharing.

    • Great post @florishing. I am just now discovering the importance of letting go of all of the ideas that you mentioned. It’s freeing and such a relief when you can. The crutch, alcohol, has to be removed first in order to actively pursue any form of such freedoms. The biggest shamble of them all!

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 4 months, 4 weeks ago

    Sending lots of cyber hugs @kerryjean47. Your pain must be overwhelming right now, but as we know alcohol will not help one bit. Stay strong, we are here. x

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 5 months ago

    Sounds like the classic triggers indeed, but you have some good defences there. Hang in there @glayton, you can do this.

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 5 months, 1 week ago

    Well done, I love the saying “What anyone else thinks of me is none of my business.”

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 5 months, 1 week ago

    Well done you for taking care of yourself and your sobriety. x

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 5 months, 2 weeks ago

    Thoughts are with you @mrs-d x

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 5 months, 2 weeks ago

    Hey @delgirl68 @lowadawn @song-bird and others in this thread. Maybe check this out https://self-compassion.org/. I did a workshop with Kirsten Neff and have her book – some really, really good helpful stuff in both. Take good care. x

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    I am hearing you on that – one time I relapsed was on a wedding anniversary cause that’s what we used to do together, drink to celebrate anything and everything, a day ending in ‘y’ let’s face it! And I really, really deserved it – yeah right!?? Anyway, now I just really play the tape forward and think about that one glass of wine, where it will end up, potentially in an argument or me saying something upsetting and then the romantic notion is well and truly gone. I also put a big glass of bubbly water, lime and ice or something similar in a big wine glass – makes it feel a bit special.

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    Nice work @truthangel. Love me an empty recycling bin. 🙂

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    Aw that is really annoying – totally understand the hurt feelings. I have had similar kind of things happen to me. I think rather than worry about it being a like or dislike situation it is simply a matter of them feeling uncomfortable with a non drinker in case they get a bit sloppy drunk. A bit like the old “what goes on tour stays on tour” kind of situation. Or maybe it simply doesn’t occur to them that you would actually want to go “drinking” if you aren’t drinking alcohol.

    • Yes the first time it happened one said oh we know you don’t drink so we didn’t invite you. Sigh. I will move on x

      • @pearl if you’d like to join them, why don’t you just ask in light hearted way, ‘if you ladies are getting together before our meeting, I’d love to join you, would you mind if I come?’. If they say they’re drinking and think you may not be comfortable, just tell them, it doesn’t bother you and you’ll bring your own. If it’s such a big deal to them, invite the other guy, and anyone else going to the meeting, to meet somewhere else (if it’s a hotel, there’s probably a bar/restaurant that serves non-alcoholic drinks) before the meeting. Be inclusive. If the ladies don’t want you to join, then you’ll have your answer and can move on because they’re not worth it.

  • It just occurred to me that at 158 days I have been sober for about 5 months. Hmmm, that is a good feeling. Go well sober superstars. x

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    Wowza, wow, wow, wow! That is a fantastic milestone. What sober treat are you going to buy yourself to celebrate? You have saved so much not buying booze, I think it needs to be something special. 🙂

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    I like that book too, I am on a little more than 100 now but still try and think of it only as today.

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    Aw, why so @abbyanon?

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    Hmm I see what you are saying @Morgan but somehow that wine witch strikes us all no matter how disciplined we are. Thankfully I fought her off this time with a little bit of help.

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    Thanks @truthangel and @Thin39. I am very glad I didn’t give in to it, and feel stronger for it. I have been invited to something at a pub this week and I am going to use the power of “no thank you” cause I need to give myself a bit of space after this episode. Let’s not forget the self care.

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    Thanks @Jessi – I just walk them. Have done quite a few in the last 18 months or so.

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    Thanks @Jocord. Yeah I was really angry with hubby at the time – quite unfairly of course, that was the wine witch talking. But I am certainly thankful today.

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    Aw @kerryjean47 – you couldn’t get a handle on it because alcohol is a sneaky, addictive substance. Not because there is anything wrong with you. The main thing is that it sounds like you have a handle on it now, which is fantastic. Give yourself a big, damn pat on the back for that!

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    Ok there are lots of things that can take the mind off it – take your pick. Go and have a bath, put some favourite music in your ears and blast it up loud, chocolate, sugary drinks, ice cream, journalling, binge-watching TV, buy yourself some really nice special food to eat that you don’t normally have, go for a walk, hit the gym, go for a run, go to a movie, phone a friend and have a long chat, clean your house, clear out a cupboard or drawer that has been annoying you, read a book, anything, just anything other than picking up a drink. They reckon a craving only lasts 20 minutes so it is just a matter of distracting yourself for that time. You can do it. The other thing is to play the tape forward – we all glorify the first drink, maybe even the second but by two, three, four and beyond we get sloppy and there are consequences. Maybe write down all your worst, most embarrassing, shameful drinking experiences while you are experiencing cravings – that should fix them. Good luck!

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    Thanks @Miss Freedom – think you are strong and smart yourself. 🙂

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    You are a good cat Elliecat – so tuned in. 🙂 Thanks, I do feel like the sober muscle just popped out a little bit more. But it has taken a little bit of energy to grow it this time. x

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    Hey @kerryjean47 I’ve been there before myself – did about 6 months and caved on our wedding anniversary cause I “deserved” a glass of bubbles on my wedding anniversary – bad, bad move. I have had many a false re-start and here I am – so, if I can do it again, I reckon you can too. Thanks for your support, I am here maybe blocking a little of the wind resistance for you too. x

  • Today is day 156, and I am so grateful to be able to say that. I had the biggest, crappiest cravings last night – it really rocked me because I almost gave into it. In fact I announced I was going to, and my hubby managed to stop me and make me see sense. I felt really angry at the time, but today, I am very glad. I had been surrounded by so many people drinking on the weekend that it all just built up like a pressure cooker. There was a party on Saturday night where the focus was champagne and cocktails. I had a virgin cocktail but it just felt a bit flat. Then there was another heavy-drinking do on Sunday in the afternoon. I had done a half marathon in the morning, and my body was sore and tired, as well as my mind. My defences were down and it was just all a bit much. I guess the point behind my rambling is that even after going through a lot of boozy events in 156 days, that had no effect on my resolve, I still should have done the work beforehand for these events. Setting intentions, taking my own yummy drinks, playing the tape forward, reaching out to others etc, etc. The biggest thing is the mindset “I get to wake up clear-headed, not feeling sick, not having said or done stupid things the night before etc, etc” rather than “I am missing out”, “Everyone can drink, except me, it’s not fair”, “I am a loser,” etc, etc. I got in a negative mindset and it really impacted me.
    The last big thing is that I have had that feeling of just wanting to shut my brain off temporarily and not have the emotions raging – alcohol does do that but it comes with so many consequences… I really know it is not worth it… that inner voice tells me it is. It has been happening for a few weeks now, and I have been battling it – I know it puts me on shaky ground and I am not quite sure how to get rid of it. It tells me it would be ok to do it once, no one necessarily needs to know, it wouldn’t hurt, who says I can’t drink, everyone else does, it doesn’t mean I would do it…[Read more]

    • I’m so glad you made it through your craving.
      A couple years ago I gave in at 176 days and have been struggling since.
      I’m on day 15 and hoped I learned from the mistake that you were strong enough not to make!

      • Hey @kerryjean47 I’ve been there before myself – did about 6 months and caved on our wedding anniversary cause I “deserved” a glass of bubbles on my wedding anniversary – bad, bad move. I have had many a false re-start and here I am – so, if I can do it again, I reckon you can too. Thanks for your support, I am here maybe blocking a little of the wind resistance for you too. x

    • I must have known to come on here today. You survived that test!! And you’re stronger for it. You know you can do this, if you can survive that weekend you can survive anything.

      And you know what? The cravings go, they really do. It gets easier. Stay strong you’ve got this. Elliecat x

      • You are a good cat Elliecat – so tuned in. 🙂 Thanks, I do feel like the sober muscle just popped out a little bit more. But it has taken a little bit of energy to grow it this time. x

    • @flourishing , that damn voice . It fooled me so many times . But now ,we know better .We know that our brain wants its dopamine fix and if we feed it we will wind up in an hellish version of Groundhog day . Again . Been there , done that . It takes a strong person to stand up against this craving . And you are strong . And Smart .156 days of freedom is grand .

    • You are so smart! You want to shut your brain down temporarily and that’s where most of us get hung up. You followed that through to it comes with consequances. Good for hubby for talking you out of it. It’s always nice to have a safety valve on our side. Mit makes us feel not quite so alone as non-drinkers. Go you!

      • Thanks @Jocord. Yeah I was really angry with hubby at the time – quite unfairly of course, that was the wine witch talking. But I am certainly thankful today.

    • And there in the middle @flourishing, you just slide in that you completed a half marathon! That’s amazing! You’re right to write down your thoughts here! You’ve got this and nothing can stop you. Stay close and keep rockin’ this journey!

    • @flourishing, I’m so happy you didn’t have that drink. You helped me by sharing what went on for you. I gained more resolve to stay AF reading what you had to say. You gave me hope today.

      • Thanks for sharing this @flourishing. Even though it sounds like a difficult night, it gives me hope that that I could remove problematic alcohol use from my life just like you have.

      • Thanks @truthangel and @Thin39. I am very glad I didn’t give in to it, and feel stronger for it. I have been invited to something at a pub this week and I am going to use the power of “no thank you” cause I need to give myself a bit of space after this episode. Let’s not forget the self care.

    • Very insightful analysis. Well done – on the marathon, and on making it through. Loving your hubby 🙂 !!!
      It did cross my mind, how can anyone with the discipline and drive it takes to do a 1/2 marathon ever worry about having power over drinking?

      • Hmm I see what you are saying @Morgan but somehow that wine witch strikes us all no matter how disciplined we are. Thankfully I fought her off this time with a little bit of help.

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    Go easy on yourself for a bit with the sugar – if it stops you picking up alcohol, then that is fine I reckon. Although I did have to pull in the reins a bit further down the track, I think it is good not to feel like you are being deprived in the early stages.

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    Nice job on starting day 1 @micca. Go well. 🙂

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    Sounds good @timidwarrior – important to keep up the family ties.

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 1 week ago

    I’m hearing you @kitten – have the very same thoughts at times. Sometimes it just feels too hard to be “other than”. Well done on 205 and being strong. There is that old saying that plays in my head a lot around this “What other people think of me is none of my business”… so true!

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 6 months, 2 weeks ago

    Oh @elliecat I missed this post, I am so sorry, haven’t been on here much lately. Huuuuuuuuuge congrats to you – you really are an inspiration. Thanks so much for being here, I am soooo pleased for you that you reached the year and beyond. xxx

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 7 months ago

    Oh @prudence, words are getting muddled in my head thinking about an appropriate response – just hugs and loving thoughts to you and the family of this man. x

  • 130 days today. Throwing my own little party in my mind. 🙂 If I can do it, any one here can do it. We just have to want it bad enough. x

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 8 months ago

    Oh, and huge congrats on the 121! 🙂

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 8 months ago

    Aw @Ladyhawke… that is tough, your first Xmas without your mum. go easy on yourself, losing your mum has a profound effect on a daughter’s life at any age. My mum died when I was 13, and two other immediate family members also died young so I have to admit Xmas makes me really irritable despite having my own family now. I really only do Xmas for my teens and my hubby – would rather just have a duvet day, but I just quietly try and focus on the people that are here. Doesn’t stop me getting inexplicably irritated sometimes though. Hugs to you. x

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 8 months ago

    Big cyber hugs @tbh1

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 8 months ago

    Wow, just wow @Liberty. We all know how hard fought those days are. thanks so much for lighting the way for so many of us. xx

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 8 months ago

    Nice @camelia01 – me too.

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 8 months, 1 week ago

    Thanks for the encouragement @Lizzy – some days we need it, don’t we?

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 8 months, 1 week ago

    Thanks @Ladyhawke

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 8 months, 1 week ago

    Hi @tipsytoegal – pleased to shine the light on the path. Yeah, it is almost a bit tougher this time around but soooooooo rewarding and I feel calmer about it all. You can 100% do it too. 🙂

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 8 months, 1 week ago

    Thanks @Jamieann

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 8 months, 1 week ago

    I reckon, thanks @Elizabeth66

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 8 months, 1 week ago

    Yeah it can be done again @hodge – planning on this being the last time here. You can do it too. 🙂

  • Flourishing posted a new activity comment 8 months, 1 week ago

    Thanks @Lize

  • Day 100 today (not the first time) and feeling good. 🙂 x

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