I live in Auckland with my hubby and two little boys. I have always been a big drinker, since I was a teenager, but it started really getting bad in 2008 after a major life event.I've been trying to admit to myself that my drinking is a problem for a couple of years now, and giving myself a very hard time in the meanwhile, as I was suffering from depression and anxiety.Alcohol has helped me humiliate myself, hurt people, and make myself sick.I am now 1050 days alcohol free, and very happy about that fact. I have so many good reasons to be sober. I have a great job, a beautiful family and home, and I love giving and receiving support on this site.
Good morning soberinas! I’m in cloudy Sunshine Coast, visiting a friend.
I’ve had a nice time but I’m not sure if I’ll visit again. She has a nasty illness which means she can’t work and never really knows how she’ll be feeling day to day.
She also drinks every day. While I’ve been here she had about half a dozen beers (maybe more, I wasn’t paying a lot of attention). Then yesterday morning she felt so nauseous she couldn’t do anything so I went off by myself for the day. It was a really nice day, I had a massage and a facial, and visited my cousin who lives up the road, and we had a great catch up.
When I got home from my day out she and her hubby were working on their second bottle of wine and intending to walk up the road to get more.
By 8pm he in particular was almost incoherent and I was looking forward to bed. By 10pm I had truly had enough and went to bed.
It’s very sad. She is so unwell and yet she smashes herself with alcohol. She tried to talk to me about it when we went for a short walk to a lake nearby their house (this was when she was over a bottle down). She said she feels like I must be thinking it’s the alcohol and cigarettes that make her sick and that she feels terrible that the alcohol was the only thing that helped her feel better today, and that I must have thoughts about that.
I told her that in my experience it’s pretty standard for people to feel self-conscious about their drinking when they’re with someone who doesn’t drink. I wasn’t feeling very sympathetic at that stage so I kept my comments to a very bare minimum.
The thing that pisses me off is that I’ve spent about a grand to come and see her. And all she’s done is be sick or drink booze. We haven’t been out for dinner or a movie or … well anything. I’ve entertained myself while she’s being sick, drinking, or recovering from drinking.
I expect more of the same this morning. She and her hubby drank four bottles of wine between them. He wanted to start on a bottle of gin and I couldn’t help myself, I said jeez you’ll feel like hell in the morning if you do that! She also said it was her gin and he couldn’t have it. I don’t know which comment made him desist.
So pretty disappointing all in all. I don’t know if I would bother spending that money to visit again. Which is sad – we’ve been friends for over 25 years.
hi Enzedgirl. I can imagine how hard going it must be for you in this situation .im past waking up like like a bloody flat tire and wasting the rest of the day .not worth it ive actually been there .no more
That’s really tough. Well done on staying strong. It’s amazing how different things look from the outside looking in. I’m sure your friend is conscious of it too but sounds like she is stuck in a rut. Glad you still enjoyed your time away xx
That’s really sad your holiday away was not what you were expecting. It must be hard being in that situation but also a good reminder of why you have given up alcohol! At least you had a good catch up with your cousin!
What a disappointment, @enzedgirl. I’m sorry your friend hasn’t been much of a hostess, especially after you came all that way and spent all that money to get there. I love that you took yourself out for a facial and a visit with your cousin today. Maybe more days on your own, until the trip is over? Sending hugs.
Sorry @enzedgirl, that must’ve been hard to watch. I can imagine that you must be feeling frustrated. So crazy how people will always defend the alcohol, at all costs, to themselves. I did. But I knew it was my worst enemy as well, and your friend might feel that too. Maybe you can talk about it with some distance. Safe home, xo
That sucks @enzedgirl. I’d be disappointed too. I’m glad that you got to head out and treat yourself still though. Is it worth saying something? I planned a weekend away with an old friend who was on a visit home from overseas and I got so drunk on the first day I was sick in bed for all of day 2 and then we travelled home on day 3. She gave me a few loving but hard words about it on the drive home. I got sober two months later. Her words, along with mu husband’s, gave me the kick up the ass I needed. Again, sorry about your trip. Big hugs xo
Tough stuff @enzedgirl. I’m not sure which ‘disease’ your friend has, but she’ll soon realize there’s one of her ‘illnesses’ she CAN do something about. No doubt, alcohol does help her forget about feeling like shit, but I get the feeling she might wind up feeling more like shit because of the alcohol, not her diagnosed ‘illness’. I’ve got an ‘incurable disease’ myself (not alcohol related). As her friend, I would write her a letter? (I might start out saying something like, Dear –, when we talked about my visiting your house, I was told we would blah blah blah, I was available for that and so planned and looked forward to visiting with you. I felt offended that within not even a day being here, you were unavailable because you were to ‘nauseous’ to do anything. I arrived back to your place and again, by ten pm, I couldn’t understand a word you were slurring, so I went to bed ~ still unable to spend quality time with you., etc. It seems as though ‘booze’ was the guest of honour and I don’t appreciate those kind of interactions. I made a great effort to come spend time with you and won’t be available to do that in the future) Yeah, she may want to dredge up a pile of defenses, but you’ll be expressing your ‘own’ boundries, not exploring her alcoholic excuses. Yeah, the reality of social structure really doesn’t allow for those ‘kinds’ of ‘interactions’, really. I’m sorry you had to witness all that crap, m’friend, and spend money doing it.
Lemonade out of lemons. How absent we all were when we were consuming. Not sure I could not say anything. It always so hard for me to get away. The money. The time. The animals. Etc. It sounds like you had a nice quiet day of self care.
Sad for your friend @anzedgirl and equally sad re your holiday. She probably has no clue to the actual harm she has done to your friendship. Im feeling hurt for her life and what shes doing to herself. Hopefully your explaining your feelings to her may just be the turning point she needs.
Yeah, it’s a frustrating situation, and I’m sure that you really want to help, but sometimes helping means that you have to leave people alone to come to their own realisations and decisions about their situation. I reckon just being who you are, an example of what sobriety looks like, will give your friend the opportunity to see that it can be done and really is the way to go. I bet that at some point, after you’ve gone and she feels the emptiness of where she’s at, she’ll think about your example and consider changing her life for the better. Also, I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’ve encountered situations since going sober, where you sort through your old friendships and let some connections go while you start building new and more positive ones.
Oh man, @enzedgirl!! I feel bad for you as well as your longtime friend. And the money makes me cringe for you!! But imagining you telling husband “Geez” about the gin DID make me “hee hee” giggle. And the experience of watching people getting wasted validates us, the tribe, that we are wise(and cool…duh!)
@enzedgirl I’m so sorry, how disappointing and difficult when it’s a friend of 25 years. I have health problems and drinking only makes everything worse no matter what I used to say to anyone. Maybe it was an anesthetic for the pain but it only added to my overall sickness. It’s hard to be patient when we are faced with loved ones who are overdrinking when we are sober. I really have to work on that myself. I pray they can find help, sounds like they have an extremely codependent relationship so that will be even harder to get out of. I’m so sorry you spent $1000 to be disappointed. You won’t forget this though and you definitely will reflect on it. Praying for your friend and her hubby.